All my friends have moved out of London

[AleaEim]

I’m from abroad, have lived here 10 years, in late 30’s now and recently had a baby. I’m finding making and losing friends so relentless now, when DH and I moved here first, we worked v hard to make friends and did well with that, as London is so transient there were always people coming and going but we always maintained a decent group of friends. Along comes the pandemic which seemed to create a mass exodus, 4 of our close couple friends all left in the sane month (they were all expats) then gradually more friends and even acquaintances completely left the country or moved back to their hometowns in the UK (v far north for example). DH can cope with a lack of friends, he games a few times a week and that’s his way of keeping in touch with his old friends. I don’t have this but I do speak to my friends back home quite a bit, for that I am grateful as they are my close friends. I have tried and tried to make friends in london since and it’s taken endless joining of running clubs/ yoga/ awkward Bumblebee BFF dates to meet anyone I gelled with. The friends I met since the pandemic have also left London and the friendships weren’t strong enough to survive long distance. I now have two friends in london, one lives 1 hour away from me so meeting is hard work and the other lives closer but is now moving outside London which would be 2.5hrs from where I live. We also have one couple friendship left (more so acquaintances) but they recently moved outside London and it takes hours to meet them too, they make low effort anyway, I am fed up of commuting long distances or only being able to meet in central london to socialise, it’s exhausting and not practical with a young baby. I’m actively joining mum groups, they are nice, but the conversations don’t really deviate from sleep schedules and pushchairs despite my efforts. I am trying to make friends with Londoners (we met quite a few in the NCT group) in the hope they won’t move but they are often too settled with their long term friends/ and are often busy with grandparents etc. I feel too available all the time tbh and it makes me feel lonely and desperate.

Has anyone else had these issues? How do you navigate transient Londoners ? It takes a toll on our marriage too as we depend on each other a bit too much and it really is ‘just us’ most of the time. Holidays like Easter/ Christmas feel v quiet.

Join something. Amateur dramatics, Morris dancing, history society, book club, fencing team, film club, chess club, philosophy society, train appreciation society, WI, rowing team...

I think having a baby puts you in a really good position to make new friends even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You don't need millions of friends just a few people who you really click with. This may or may not happen at baby groups but it will happen as your child gets a little older and goes to nursery. And when they start school you will be part of a new community. I made some very close friends during those years but it does take time

I have been doing this for years, endless joining of various groups and now have a lot of acquaintances who are only ever free occasionally and the friendship rarely goes deeper. I’m rather sick of groups now to be honest AND a lot of them leave london eventually, it’s relentless and draining.

I really hope so, I’m getting bored now of superficial meet ups and finding I’m getting impatient as I just want real friends again, not another acquaintance that moves away or is too busy for regular meet ups.

That’s tricky, OP. We’re in London and definitely have had some friends move away from London or from the UK altogether. There is a solid core of us who have remained where we are. When our DDs were little, my social life did become fairly focussed around other local parents and over time some of them have become close friends (DDs are now young adults). So I agree with the poster who said to focus on making friends through your baby/toddler activities.

I'm not really sure what to suggest OP. There's no guarantee someone isn't going to move and the only way I've made friends is by going out and meeting people.

How about volunteering for a cause you're passionate about? Obviously there's no guarantee that other people volunteering won't move, but you'll have something in common.

I hear you. We moved out of London with a 2 year old and a 5 month old. One of the many, many reasons was because of the transient population (although if money no object I would have stayed noooooo question).

I never found baby groups or stuff like that useful for making proper friends. But school, yes.

What is your personality like? Do you normally make friends easily? What I found when I started having children and getting into my 30s is that it is harder to make friends, because you just don't have that time or energy. And there isn't really that "glueing" event that gets people close like work/school.

I also think that having a one little baby just made me feel lonely. Now my kids are older they are company to some extent and life feels fuller.

This gives me hope! Tbf there are a few in NCT group I get on with.

That’s a good idea actually, I don’t think I could do it now with a baby (I’m ebf) but something to think about in the future.

im pretty good at making friends, well I used to be

Yes I can understand this. I moved away from London 5 years ago and I was desperate for friends, for a connection. I was probably putting people off, come to think of it. I couldn't understand it because I always made friends so quickly and easily. But little by little it comes. I think friendships in this phase of life can't be rushed. My good friends now are neighbours, mums of some of my kids good school friends, nums I've met at playgroups, parents I've met while sitting and watching my child play sports.

I am sorry though, feeling underestimated and lonely is horrible.

understimulated!

If you could meet some actual Londoners it would help, we do exist! But I don’t know how to tell you to go about it 🤷‍♀️

I was an actual Londoner 😀

It’s not just people moving out of London, it’s people’s general reluctance to get out and socialise in London post pandemic. I left London last year (emigrated) and where I live now, although described as ‘similar to London’, is actually very, very different, I’ve found. And the main difference is that people go out SO much more here. My friendship group meets a couple of times every week, whereas I was lucky to see friends more than a couple of times a month in London. A big part of it is that people have much more disposable income here because jobs pay better, so they think nothing of spontaneously going out for dinner mid-week or buying expensive theatre tickets for that night. But also there is a general abundance mindset and an ‘energy’ to people that is severely lacking in the UK.

Is moving back home / closer to friends and family and option for you?

Do you have work friends? Are you going back to work?
Do you have any nice neighbours? Babies are a good way to meet neighbours.

I personally never got into baby groups, like you I found the conversations so boring.

I've been here 20 years and it's just like this, sometimes you feel like you have no friends but it always builds up again.

Would you consider moving out of London? Its common for people with young children to move to commuter towns for larger housing and better schools - you may find people there who are hanging around for a few years at least.

I had the same experience and ended up following suit and leaving London too

I totally agree with this. Socialising seems to be a chore for most people, even for me and I’m sociable. I don’t know about other parts of the UK but socialising in London takes so much effort, not only financial effort but time, you’re talking an hour commute at best to just meet for a coffee/ drink etc. Where I’m from, it’s a small vibrant city where going out only involves walking across town to meet a friend after work or a short bus ride into the centre. I miss that, I wouldn’t mind going home in the next few years. We will see.

Do you mind saying which city this is?

I am in London with dcs and while I'm quite comfortable with family life and haven't sought out mum friends, I see a lot of friendships being made amongst the mums at my dcs school and playgroup. So I don't think it's a problem for most people once dcs are in a regular activity. But I also think there's quite a few Londoners like me and DH, who are happy to spend our time together as a family and tbh there's not much time or room for friendships as we like to spend weekends as a family and having an easy weekday evening routine with both parents on board. I find it improves my relationship with DH rather than taking a toll on us, as we share so many experiences together with the dcs.
We don't know our neighbours and don't feel any need to, and I took dcs to lots of baby classes but always focused on interacting with my dc rather than chatting to other parents.

We live quite centrally and perhaps the London lifestyle attracts more families like us as there's less dependence on community activities. We spend our weekends doing day trips with dcs and museum/touristy things, we usually have theatre shows and exhibitions booked months ahead and it's easier to do things as a family than try to schedule things and sort out payment with others.

I’ve moved around quite a bit in my life, for work, relationship or just the pleasure of travel. In my 20s I made new friends quickly, but I noticed it took much longer in my 30s, and more so in my 40s. The people around you get more settled into their family/ friendship groups.

Perseverance is the best thing I’ve found. Also accessibility is a big help, focusing on people you see quite often — those living nearby, or often going out, or doing the same kind of things you do.

Best of luck, OP. I enjoyed working abroad, but it could be lonely.

Once your baby starts nursery and school you will meet many more people who are all at the same stage and (mostly) more permanent location wise. It probably feels like ages away but it’s probably going to be the most useful in terms of meeting people

I think this is just normal when people have small kids in London and realise how expensive everything is, plus the fight for a house near a decent state school etc.

We moved to a certain part of London before having kids because my DH's entire social group lived there but every single one has moved since having having dc. We've made new friends, dc went to nursery and then to school which helped, took some effort and people still leave but much less frequently now dc are in secondary school.

I live in London and have done for 20 plus years. To be honest, I don't go to Yoga to make friends I go to focus on improving my Ypga, running clubs can be a bit more social but still isn't a regular place to make friends.

For me most of my friends were made at school, then at work then through my children. I am now in my 40s and have more friends than I can handle from different stages of life, I am full. I do not have time after my husband, children, parents, siblings, business, organising our life, activities and friends to add anything more. I actively avoid making new friendships everyone new really would struggle to get past acquaintances with me.

Could that be your issue? Are people too busy to add you into their friendships?

Do you work? That's still a great way to meet friends with things on common naturally. You will find your children will also bring new people into your life. Perhaps you are focusing on making friends too much, focus on your family maybe and visiting your friends who are dispersed at weekends and maintaining those friendships?