All my friends have moved out of London

[AleaEim]

I’m from abroad, have lived here 10 years, in late 30’s now and recently had a baby. I’m finding making and losing friends so relentless now, when DH and I moved here first, we worked v hard to make friends and did well with that, as London is so transient there were always people coming and going but we always maintained a decent group of friends. Along comes the pandemic which seemed to create a mass exodus, 4 of our close couple friends all left in the sane month (they were all expats) then gradually more friends and even acquaintances completely left the country or moved back to their hometowns in the UK (v far north for example). DH can cope with a lack of friends, he games a few times a week and that’s his way of keeping in touch with his old friends. I don’t have this but I do speak to my friends back home quite a bit, for that I am grateful as they are my close friends. I have tried and tried to make friends in london since and it’s taken endless joining of running clubs/ yoga/ awkward Bumblebee BFF dates to meet anyone I gelled with. The friends I met since the pandemic have also left London and the friendships weren’t strong enough to survive long distance. I now have two friends in london, one lives 1 hour away from me so meeting is hard work and the other lives closer but is now moving outside London which would be 2.5hrs from where I live. We also have one couple friendship left (more so acquaintances) but they recently moved outside London and it takes hours to meet them too, they make low effort anyway, I am fed up of commuting long distances or only being able to meet in central london to socialise, it’s exhausting and not practical with a young baby. I’m actively joining mum groups, they are nice, but the conversations don’t really deviate from sleep schedules and pushchairs despite my efforts. I am trying to make friends with Londoners (we met quite a few in the NCT group) in the hope they won’t move but they are often too settled with their long term friends/ and are often busy with grandparents etc. I feel too available all the time tbh and it makes me feel lonely and desperate.

Has anyone else had these issues? How do you navigate transient Londoners ? It takes a toll on our marriage too as we depend on each other a bit too much and it really is ‘just us’ most of the time. Holidays like Easter/ Christmas feel v quiet.

This is a good point, my less wealthy friends,
while we have the best connection because they earn similar to me, they move out. We are too stupid to leave 🤣 the people I know who stay have rich husbands tbf.

I find this too sadly, my very Irish friendly relative was here last week and kept trying to converse with people but they didn’t get him, staff were actually quite rude actually. DH and I talk about this a lot, you can’t even ask a basic question in a coffee shop such as ‘what do you reccomend?’ Without getting a death stare. I do like the UK but gawd it feels a bit disjointed compared to other places I must say.

@AleaEim Yes I know what you mean. I wouldn't say the differences are that great between us, but I've definitely found middle class English people in particular to be stiffer, colder, and more restrained in the way they communicate.

Even though there are wide differences here as well between people, generally, you won't stick out so much in Wales if you're expressive like me and speak more with your hands, have varied facial expressions and vocal tone. However, they're not used to as stronger expressions of emotions like this, and it's seen as low status.

Socially, I probably would fit in quite well in some American states maybe. I've just found them so much easier to interact with, at least on a surface level (which I used to do often in a previous job). Unfortunately, it could be the case that you're just socially better suited to another country altogether!

Potentially I am, I lived in a very middle class area of London for 5 years and it really does seem to attract stiff, awkward people sadly. Where does that stem from? Do middle class people not love a good discussion, isn’t that a sign of being educated/ smart? In Ireland all classes are talkative.

@AleaEim It's a cultural thing, but it's mainly private schooling that does that. If it's not taught directly to them, they learn through osmosis that it's low status & cringey to smile too much, be too friendly, too expressive or too open with what they truly love and what's close to their heart. That's why in my very middle-class arts university, we had a plethora of privileged students who liked many things (like Dolly Parton), in an 'ironic' kind of way, as it allowed them to very tentatively say they liked something, but allowed them to pull back and say well they didn't like it really that much, if they felt judged. This was a totally strange and alien concept to me.

I have a suspicion that humour is seen in the same way. Basically, if you are part of a powerful country or social strata in that country, there is no need to appease other people or create a pleasant social atmosphere by being warm, friendly, or being humourous. You will not find many people like the Instagram influencer Garron Noone from County Mayo amongst them. That style of communicating would make people very uncomfortable in my workplace 😂

The reason why it takes so incredibly long to get to know such people or make friends, is because relationship building has to be built in teeny-tiny steps. If it isn't, they misinterpret the friendliness as clingy-ness. It sort of makes them panic a bit, and they'll pull back because it's more unusual for them.

I suggest you read a fantastic book called 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox. It won't solve you problem necessarily because the friendship difficulties you're facing are more universal, but it might explain a few things and give you a chuckle.

I grew up in London and all my family and friends have left.

My dc have SEND so I'm limited to what I can do.

I found it was better to just chat with people and not actively look for friends.
I don't have close friends but people I socialise with occasionally.

I've found this too and unfortunately all of the mum friends I made through our group of 12 NCT sets of parents, 10 have moved out of London too. From the parent friends we've made at school we are seeing the same- it's exhausting and depressing and kind of makes me wonder why I bother. Our child is upset by it too as every year or so it seems that a family we've gotten close to move out of London!

@AleaEim I list one of my skills on my imaginary CV as “talking to strangers” and it’s a family joke that I regularly arrive home claiming to have a new BFF. I am a lifelong Londoner but I have to admit that I’m half Irish! I think the combination has made me quite fearless. My other top skill is parallel parking, another outcome of living in London!

@earth I made that observation before when I worked as a nanny here, I worked as a nanny in other countries but when I came here the rich parents were different, yes it must be the private schooling as private school isn’t common in other places. I’ll never forget the horror when I made a sarcastic comment to the parents once. Something basic like, ‘we had ice cream for dinner’ they thought I was serious, it was so cringe. I think I know what you mean about the liking things in an ironic way, so weird. I love garron noone!

These are the exact types of discussions I miss with my friends, so insightful.

But of inverted snobbery to blame private schooling imo.

That’s so annoying, sorry to hear this.

Poor private schools.....😂🙄 Let's get out our tiny violins!

I feel fairly neutral about private schooling by the way. However, I have to push back at your slightly defensive remark that my observations and experiences as an outsider were 'blame'.

When 70% of your university course were English, very privileged, and privately educated students, you start seeing patterns, which aren't all negative. Same with my current workplace, where about 70% of employees come from this background.

So sorry. I didn’t go to university 😹 I did go to private school though on the Direct Grant scheme. Many of my friends went to private school and many didn’t, equally snobby or mostly not

@AleaEim Yes.....heaven forbid! One never knows what those Irish nannies will do😂