Talk me down, or just talk to me, please. Nonstop mentionitis around other woman he's just met... then she's texting him first thing in the morning

[mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis]

Aaaaaaaaagh. I'll try to be brief. (Name changed.)

Long distance relationship. Travelled to meet him. He was going for drinks with friend and his gf. Other women turned up. He got pretty drunk, was a bit late to meet me. Okay. Not a problem.

Then for the next 36 hours, he didn't stop mentioning this one woman, what she was wearing, some joke she told, where she was from blah blah blah. Honestly, I wasn't particularly bothered. But after 36 hours, after he'd told me some more detail about what she was wearing, he gets a message from her.

I'm, like, excuse me. This is shit. Obviously, they've exchanged numbers, obviously she's keen. He's apologetic, says he understands why I'm upset (erm, I'm raging). Says he won't reply.

We move on. (Well, he moves on.) I'm going round in circles. He didn't make any pretence that it was friendly or that I was being unreasonable. Which is perhaps good. But I'm thinking, wtf are you doing swapping numbers with a woman while I'm sitting waiting for you. I can't get it out of my head. I mean, how fucking blatant can you get.

I can't really see there's any point reigniting the conversation with him. And I also can't believe that if they were both that keen on each other that he won't just pursue her anyway. Because if he was prepared to swap numbers then he's not going to just go, oh, gf was unhappy I'll turn this hot new prospect down now.

Aaaaaaaagh. I wish the fuck I didn't know any of this.

So did you definitely end it, @mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis?

I haven't done anything. I've been at work all day, am tired and feel sick and stressed. And heartbroken. I should've known better than to trust him, or to imagine that somehow that feeling of specialness, of love, was real.

I feel played. Which I have been. Right now, I genuinely don't want to know or think anymore about it. I'm not saying this to be pathetic, but it's crushing. He had his fun with me, a new fun option came along and I simply ceased to exist. Not wallowing, but it's kicked the kickass out of me.

And I really really appreciate the conversation, from everyone. It genuinely helps, a lot. Thank you.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way, OP. I hope you see that it says nothing about you and everything about him. Turn to your friends and loved ones for support and build yourself back up - don't let this weak shallow lying man change your life.

He's smitten with her. Don't be someone's plan b. Block and move on

Yep. Smitten. Like once he was smitten with me

I'm not planning to let him change my life no, not at all. But wish there was a rinse cycle to get him out my head.

It might have been a long-distance thing and only for two years, but I genuinely believed in his love for me, and mine for him. And now what, discarded. Without even a goodbye. It's pretty hard to square that with feeling like I have any worth at all. Move on, to where, I think. My life didn't need him in it to be good, but whatever delusion of a relationship I thought I was involved in definitely brought me some sense of joy and pride and energy. Fuck. It's horrible.

If your boyfriend is swapping numbers with a woman, whilst you are in the process of travelling to see him, then quite honestly he's capable of doing much more when you're not there! He didn't see anything wrong with swapping numbers with this woman, at the time. He sat and talked about her a lot in front of you, and again didn't see anything wrong in doing it. It was only the message from her, that again he told you about and your reaction, that finally made the penny drop for him!!! He's either completely clueless or simply doesn't see your relationship serious enough to consider his behaviour wrong. I don't think he thinks enough of you, and I don't think he sees your relationship as serious or long-term. Honestly, don't waste your time on this man, he's really not worth it.

I’m sorry Op, it must feel bizarre to go from thinking you were in a committed relationship to him meeting someone an hour before seeing you, and that being enough to derail a 2 year commitment.

Long-distance relationships are really tough, especially when you’re not seeing each other regularly. It makes it so much harder to fully integrate your lives, and they often require a level of commitment and sacrifice that’s just not sustainable long-term without someone sacrificing something which takes a real leap of faith and certainty.

You clearly showed up with loyalty, trust, and dedication. Unfortunately, it sounds like he didn’t do the same. I’d be wondering how likely it really is that he just happened to meet someone who could pull him away like that unless he already had one foot out of the door. You say you hadn’t seen him in a month - did he feel like he was pulling away in that time?

More likely, he’s either done this sort of thing before and took advantage of your trust, or he wasn’t as committed as you were but didn’t know how to be honest about it.

I know you’ve walked away from him in your own mind - but has he actually discarded you? How did you leave it with him? He may not realise what he’s lost until much later, as he’s used to being apart from you. Once the pain has dulled - and it will before long! - you can focus your efforts on someone closer to home that you can build a life with on a day to day basis, if that’s what you want.
Hang in there - this is the really shit bit.

Also, not to put too fine a point on it @mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis he sounds like an emotionally immature prick.

He's not clueless at all. I'm trying not to be a paranoid conspiracy theorist, but it's very hard not to think that he's engineered it all (and acted very deliberately, while playing the hapless naif) in order to make me dump him. A kind of constructive dismissal of the heart.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He's never once before told me who has or hasn't messaged him. So why the hell would he in this instances? I'm more and more convinced it's all scripted, because it's so absurd and yet so specific all at the same time.

And yes I'm very aware that if he'll do this while I'm travelling to see him, waiting to see him and actually in his fucking presence then obviously he'll feel entitled to do whatever he goddam pleases in my absence.

He might not have taken me and what I believed to be our relationship seriously, but he certainly put in an Oscar-worthy performance.

Shit. I'm offloading, I know. I'm so angry.

You are letting the side down for goodness sake surely women deserve better than this Billy no mark

Still my favourite break up advice ever. 20 odd years old now but worth reading. It might seem like it doesn't fit your situation, but I think it pretty much does.

Letter:
After four loving years, my darling has announced that, although his tender feelings remain, he is "prepared to go the distance of his lifetime without" me. It is not the first time a loved one has done this. Is it something about men that allows them such emotional efficiency? How do I salvage my dignity in this situation?

Reply:
The psychological advantage is with the abandoner, who steels himself to make the break, announces it, fends off all entreaties and marches off into the night, a brave soldier who did what needed to be done. Meanwhile, the abandoned feels like shit. But you are not without resources. Do not be pitiful; be pissed off. If you've been crying on your friends' shoulders, stop. If friends bring up the subject of the breakup, tell them that your darling was impotent and you got tired of helping him deal with his sexual insecurities. Get a haircut and buy some new duds. Cut out alcohol and put yourself on a diet of greens and fruit. Hurl yourself into profitable activity: Read a book a week, enroll in a French class, memorize poetry, go to the gym daily. Do this for 90 days, and at the end of it, sit down and ask yourself how you feel about your life. Ninety days of self-improvement fueled by anger should use up much of your anger, and then you can have the final revenge, which is to forgive the pitiful bastard and get on with your life.

Thank you. What you say feels very true. Thank you for articulating it so clearly and thoughtfully. I appreciate it.

It does feel very weird. Like we were just cruising along happily, music playing, roof down in the sunshine; next thing, hard brake and I'm out the door in a layby with some other babe in the passenger seat.

I've left it nowhere with him. He had some crisis (quite upsetting) yesterday which I messaged to say, oh, I'm sorry. Then nothing. The dark corner of my heart feels like maybe even the crisis is in his script.

I thought he was better than this. I misread the room pretty dramatically.

But thank you for your understanding, it helps.

I fell out of favour cus another more enticing prospect came along. Simple as that. Why and how men get to do this over and over, who knows? They're the ones letting the side down, as far as I can tell.

Excellent breakup advice!! Thank you so much @PullTheBricksDown 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

Cynically - if the crisis is engineered it’ll be your fault you didn’t follow up to see how he is and support him through it which will be his story for why you broke up.

Which is 💯 not a reason to follow up and see how his (engineered) crisis is.

I think there is a slight danger that you are hoping/allowing him to come back, at a time that suits him, and explain it was all such a silly misunderstanding.

you are still communicating with him like nothing has happened?

@Gymbunny2025 definitely, I'd love that to happen. But I know it won't. Because there's nothing silly and nothing misunderstood about it.

No, I'm not communicating with him like normal. I said sorry about his crisis yesterday, that's it.

He knows. I know. There's nothing for us to communicate about. Besides Miss New & Shiny is now on hand to offer crisis comfort.

I just need to get on with stuff. But this time a few days ago I thought, well, it was the real deal. Switching lanes so radically takes some doing, but I 💯 know I've no option.

One of my biggest regrets in life now that I am older and wiser, is that I wasted too much time wondering about, ruminating on and ultimately forgiving suspect behaviour. Even if it wasn’t full cheating, it was sleazy or made me feel shit. As a general rule in life, I try to listen and be understanding, but have realised way too late that in this sort of scenario it’s completely pointless and a waste of time.

Fuck ‘em. Next!

A similar thing happened to me when my then DH fell for another woman. He was studying at university (he'd given up his job with my blessing to study for a new career) and he fell for a younger and more confident woman on his course. I heard ALL about her! And, although I didn't realise it at the time (because I was secure in his love for me, I thought) - it was because, in his head, I'd stopped being the love of his life and become his best friend.

I'd ceased to be a partner, I'd become his confessor. Someone he loved to talk to, to shoot the breeze with, to talk over all his inner problems with. But he'd stopped seeing me as his wife.

I don't know how, or when, it happened. But his mindset had shifted. And it sounds as though this is what has happened here too. (In my case it all ended horribly and messily - he left me for his infatuation who, it turned out, wasn't in the least infatuated with him and in fact barely knew who he was other than as a classmate. So he blew up our marriage for nothing.)

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I am so sorry this happened to you. What a waste, and a mess of unhappiness for him to create, for nothing. I'm sorry.

@custardcreme yes, I'm far too old to spend my time tying myself in knots understanding, forgiving, discounting bullshit. My last partner was a gaslighting supremo and managed to convince me of the "innocence" of all sorts of subterfuge. I just can't be doing with it. Treat me decently or we're done. I don't think they realise quite how off-putting their nonsense is (or believe that the magic of cock can right all wrongs; not anymore, guys).

Hey-ho. It's a beautiful sunny Friday; a day to enjoy some clarity of headspace and emotion.

Excellent standards@mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis
Hold your head high and keep that bar raised. Enjoy some sunshine at the beginning of this new chapter. Good things will come to you ☀️

You sound lovely OP, so more fool him!

God, men are trash.
Being single is pretty good. It's better than putting up with that shit.

What became of all this in the end @mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis?

He's probanby.already shagged around behind your back before. But this post sounds a bit weird because you are keeping it going and coming up with excuses even though everyone is telling you what's what.