Talk me down, or just talk to me, please. Nonstop mentionitis around other woman he's just met... then she's texting him first thing in the morning

[mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis]

Aaaaaaaaagh. I'll try to be brief. (Name changed.)

Long distance relationship. Travelled to meet him. He was going for drinks with friend and his gf. Other women turned up. He got pretty drunk, was a bit late to meet me. Okay. Not a problem.

Then for the next 36 hours, he didn't stop mentioning this one woman, what she was wearing, some joke she told, where she was from blah blah blah. Honestly, I wasn't particularly bothered. But after 36 hours, after he'd told me some more detail about what she was wearing, he gets a message from her.

I'm, like, excuse me. This is shit. Obviously, they've exchanged numbers, obviously she's keen. He's apologetic, says he understands why I'm upset (erm, I'm raging). Says he won't reply.

We move on. (Well, he moves on.) I'm going round in circles. He didn't make any pretence that it was friendly or that I was being unreasonable. Which is perhaps good. But I'm thinking, wtf are you doing swapping numbers with a woman while I'm sitting waiting for you. I can't get it out of my head. I mean, how fucking blatant can you get.

I can't really see there's any point reigniting the conversation with him. And I also can't believe that if they were both that keen on each other that he won't just pursue her anyway. Because if he was prepared to swap numbers then he's not going to just go, oh, gf was unhappy I'll turn this hot new prospect down now.

Aaaaaaaagh. I wish the fuck I didn't know any of this.

How smitten would he have been if he didn’t have to leave to meet you? Would he have left it at swapping numbers? Something tells me he would have been very invested in being around her.

Move on

But he did. You’ve just seen the real him.

No! His friend (male) and the friend's gf, plus some other women, whoever the hell they were.

I'm pretty confused too 😅

So you know 💯 he’s not in contact with her?

And if she’s the first time he’s done this?

Shit. I'd not actually thought of it like that. But you're probably right. He'd have had no reason to leave at all. Well, not without her.

No. Of course not. I don't know at all. And really don't want to. I can't cope with being in the kind of situation that means I have to even ask those questions. I've always trusted him.

Why are your standards so low?

Look for someone else. If the sex is brilliant maybe you dont dump his sorry ass immediately.

Yes. You've nailed it about avoiding the emotional conversation. Thank you, very accurate (sadly).

‘She’s keen’ and ‘he received such an offer’.

What did the message say?

I've no idea. But his apologies make it pretty clear what the vibe was.

He's apologised again. He's sorry. He'd feel the same way. And so on. He's not bullshitting me. Which is fine. I don't really want him to be sorry, because that means he knows (and admits) he crossed a pretty clear line. Evidently.

Fuck sake. Stupid men. (He's far from stupid which makes it even more annoying.)

Sorry OP, but he IS horrible.

Would you treat a person like that? In a way that is obviously going to make them feel shit? I imagine the answer is no.

You deserve better than that, you really do. Leave and don't look back x

You won't like this but I think you're being incredibly naive here, he's doing it right under your nose...what's he going to do when you leave again?

I know. Right under my nose. I don't like it. And am almost certainly being stupidly naive.

It's not that I'm jealous. I'm just, genuinely, what the actual hell was he thinking.

I'll talk to him tomorrow.

I just hate how this uses up so much time and headspace. (Including yours, wise mumsnetters.) Like, why do I have to be stewing and weirded out because he decided to drunk-impress some random woman in a bar.

You don't have to be weirded out and stewing...there's another answer.

Don't play the pick me dance

He's shagging her, or he wants to. Been there. Leave.

So you’ll talk and he’ll say ‘I was drunk, don’t know what came over me, of course it never happened before, it’ll never happen again. You know I love you, I’d never want to lose you’.
I don’t mean to be rude, but - FFS girl, get a grip.

No. I don't need to. You're absolutely right.

I definitely need to save myself from the shitshow that is the pick-me dance.

Much as I love him, genuinely, I feel like if that's what he wants to do, I want no part of it. (I've no idea who this woman is, but have no reason to be jealous of her. If he's going to be a prick, she's welcome to him.)

How long a relationship is yours and his?

This does put the kibosh on it though. I would message something like 'I was too gobsmacked while there to say this, but your obvious interest in another woman is a sign that we're done.' Then block. He will feel some relief that you've left it at that, but should also feel ashamed, and at least you're rid of the shitbag.

And if he says that, I'll point out that he's reading from a script that just about every woman's heard before.

But, yes, you're absolutely 💯 right. I need to get a grip.

If this happens when you’re there, god knows what he’s doing when you’re not…

"I was too gobsmacked..." Yes. That. I was gobsmacked and couldn't quite piece it altogether. Sometimes in the past I've been twitchy or anxious, and realised in fairness I was being an idiot and needed to have a word with myself.

But with this, I can't imagine he could've thought, phew, i handled that well, that's the last time (current) gf will want to discuss.

He knows he's been a total prick. My feeling is, he's allowed to be a prick, we all are, but this is a sustained piece of disrespectful, trust-breaking prickery.

Jesus. Just dump him. He obviously doesn't take you or the relationship remotely seriously, and he's shown you that you can't trust him.

Raise your standards.

Where is he now?

How long have you been together? How often do you see each other? I'm guessing this isn't the first woman to catch his eye lately.