Talk me down, or just talk to me, please. Nonstop mentionitis around other woman he's just met... then she's texting him first thing in the morning

[mentionitisfeckingwithmyheaditis]

Aaaaaaaaagh. I'll try to be brief. (Name changed.)

Long distance relationship. Travelled to meet him. He was going for drinks with friend and his gf. Other women turned up. He got pretty drunk, was a bit late to meet me. Okay. Not a problem.

Then for the next 36 hours, he didn't stop mentioning this one woman, what she was wearing, some joke she told, where she was from blah blah blah. Honestly, I wasn't particularly bothered. But after 36 hours, after he'd told me some more detail about what she was wearing, he gets a message from her.

I'm, like, excuse me. This is shit. Obviously, they've exchanged numbers, obviously she's keen. He's apologetic, says he understands why I'm upset (erm, I'm raging). Says he won't reply.

We move on. (Well, he moves on.) I'm going round in circles. He didn't make any pretence that it was friendly or that I was being unreasonable. Which is perhaps good. But I'm thinking, wtf are you doing swapping numbers with a woman while I'm sitting waiting for you. I can't get it out of my head. I mean, how fucking blatant can you get.

I can't really see there's any point reigniting the conversation with him. And I also can't believe that if they were both that keen on each other that he won't just pursue her anyway. Because if he was prepared to swap numbers then he's not going to just go, oh, gf was unhappy I'll turn this hot new prospect down now.

Aaaaaaaagh. I wish the fuck I didn't know any of this.

You’d not met his friends after 2 years together?

I suspect he considered you more a FWB. I’m not even convinced men ‘do’ LD exclusive relationships like women do.

I'm sorry he was so unkind towards you at the end.

Oh yes- totally agree I would just stop contact too. But block or he’ll be back

It is really bad. There's no spin on it that can make it okay. He knows that. It's not even about forgiveness. It's that he chose that option. And chose it knowing full well he was about to see me for the first time in more than a month. Jeez.

I was meant to be at the bar; travel and work meant I wasn't. And I'm really glad I didn't turn up late to witness the number swapping scenario.

I'm not going to contact him. He knows exactly why. His loss. Like, actually his loss.

Not his loss - he's got someone new and exciting on the go. But your gain, definitely! You deserve so much better 💐

Maybe not his loss, then. No. He has got the new and exciting one on the go. Thanks for the reminder 😭

He does, so all the more reason for you to move on and find your own happiness! Don't let him win by constant dwelling on his wrongs. Make some plans for yourself so you have something to look forward to.

Don’t torture yourself with things like that. Infatuation will soon wear off - no one can remain shiny and exciting forever and then he’ll realise what he has done.

Look after yourself, sorry you are going through this.

I used to be in a LDR ( we got married so no longer LDR). We were always really keen to see each other. Your description of you travelling to see him but him being late to meet you because he was out getting drunk with friends made me think that he’s really not bothered whether he sees you or not. He wasn’t prioritising you.
Then you said that you had been seeing each other for 2 years but that you hadn’t met his friends. So not really involved in each other’s lives. And it doesn’t really sound like he was putting in much effort.
Now this.
It just seems like you could do so much better - even though you are obviously blindsided and upset, you write entertainingly and honestly, you clearly have a lot going for you.

Thank you.

I'm hoping not to torture myself. Honestly, he's welcome. He's thrown something (me!) away for I don't really know what.
.
Neither of us are young. So maybe he's just reverted to type: aka old man infatuation with new and shiny.

He had it good with me, and I thought I had it good with him. It's sad. But as someone very truthfully said earlier, no love story has this in it.

There's a lot more I could say, a lot more piecing together I could do. But trying to make sense of his motivations isn't go to help me.

His loss - he chose cheap meat over someone genuine. Some people are just addicted to the chase…
Your gain - you know what he’s really like, that he’s not good enough.

Sounds like he sees you as a mate he can talk about attractive women to.

Describing another woman as cheap meat is misogynistic. She likely doesn’t know anything about OP. And she may well be genuine too

Erm... that's a bit fucking harsh! The OW isn't "cheap meat".

But also yes, OP. It is his loss. He had what could have been a lovely relationship with you and he's thrown it away for someone new and shiny he's met once in a bar. He's shown he has no character or integrity and is absolutely shallow and untrustworthy.

It hurts, but better that you know now before you've invested any more time or energy.

Well, good luck to her anyway.

I'm glad you know this !!! I'm glad he waited for you to travel to him to show his real self. Move on, this is a waste man.

It really isn't going to help. Log off Mumsnet, go for a nice long walk to clear your head, and start planning your new life without this loser. No point in ruminating on his whys and wherefores.

She does know about me, definitely. And might be genuine. Not relevant. I don't really want to think about her.

Cheap meat, not a phrase I would use. Shiny and new, certainly.

It's the shallowness, and forgive me, tackiness, of the whole thing that's so crushing. Doesn't matter how smart a man is, when it comes to it he'll think with his cock.

Fucking hell. I should know better by now

Oh he would, finish it before he has the chance to.

Clearly you were far more invested in him than he was in you. Move on and make some plans for a healing Easter, whether that involves a mini break somewhere nice, or merely stuffing yourself with chocolate while watching crap TV!

How long since you had any communication with him now Op? When did this happen?

I've been in a similar situation where my ExH got mentionitis, was clearly infatuated with someone else, seemed oblivious to the fact he was talking about her all the time. We were married with kids and I didn't want a confrontation so I ignored it. It went on to happen several times and was humiliating. Looking back I think we should have split when it first happened. In your situation, there is no long term commitment, so why would you stay when the magic has gone?

Personally I don't think this makes him a bastard etc, actually personally I think it's less manipulative as he clearly wasn't thinking of trying to deceive you, but as with my ExH perhaps, was so clueless and thoughtless about how it would affect you. it just sounds like the relationship has run its course. A long distance relationship is especially difficult and tends to only work for a short time anyway, so unless there's a clear plan to resolve the distance, why bother with a LDR? It just makes life more complicated for you and stacks the odds against the relationship from the start.

Men often don't want to be the one to break it off. I think that's because of the stigma of a man abandoning a woman, but that's just my guess. However, often you'll see a man behaving badly, cheating, flirting etc in a way that seems he wants his girlfriend to be the one to break it off. Sounds like you need to be the grownup here. I'm sorry, it sucks, but I bet you'll feel proud of yourself for holding your head high, once the sadness clears.

I agree; I don't think he's a bastard. But he's prepared to treat me in a way he absolutely knows is shabby and guaranteed to hurt me. And to shatter the trust I'd assumed we had between us.

He didn't need to do it like this. But he has.

This all happened over the past few days. I messaged him last night. And, gallingly, messaged him this morning because I've lost something and thought it might be at his (cliche, I know, but it's irreplaceable and work-related).

Maybe ldr are doomed to failure, I don't know. But I do know from first-hand experience that staying with someone who parades their infatuations in front of you is a massive mistake. I'm really sorry it happened to you, @DivorcedAndDelighted

I agree, that’s an awful thing to say about someone who hasn’t done a thing wrong.

I agree; I don't think he's a bastard. But he's prepared to treat me in a way he absolutely knows is shabby and guaranteed to hurt me.

Yes - either his empathy for you is so low that it hasn't occurred to him how hurtful this is, or it has occurred to him, but he's so excited about this new interest that he is just batting that thought away, or maybe he really doesn't care. But whichever it is, it sounds like you're clear you don't want that in your life. Well done.
Back in the day, it really didn't occur to me that I could say "This is absolutely inappropriate, and I won't be treated like this.". Never again.

“He knows I trust him; what'd be the point otherwise?”

but why do you trust him? He stood you up, met another woman and swapped numbers with her. Why on earth would you trust him.

I would guess he is dating other women because you are long distance, and on this occasion you were due to meet and he has had a few drinks and reverted to type. He’s tested you out to see if you’ve accepted it… and you have. Great he doesn’t have to be so careful in future.