Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fwb confusion

89 replies

joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 14:53

Hi guys, so I need some advice here. Please no judgement. I’m 43 and have been in a fwb situation with a 40 year old guy since January. Long post so please bear with me!

Before we met he said that he thought he liked me more than fwb, (unsure how he could have known this) but if we did end up being more he wanted an open relationship (sleeping with other people)- and he wanted a 3 way 🫣

We met up for you know what the first time got on well, he said he now wanted a 3 way with a friend of his and didn’t need to see me on our own again to have it. (Back story he has been in 2 relationships one long term with whole he had a son she treated him badly and another one before Christmas).

So we had this 3 way I tried to meet up with him again over course of a month but he said he was busy at several times. One night I had a hotel booked and he said he was keen but perhaps wanted to bring a woman friend. Then he said he was working and was too tired to drive to me wanted me to get him. It turns out he wasn’t at work was at home drinking. When I was there he said I should go out and sleep with another guy as I did his 3 way with him. The next thing I know he’s telling me he doesn’t want me to as he’s jealous ( then he says it’s because he wants to sleep with me again and if I meet someone I might not - I mean really!)

Then we got into the whole more than friends conversation. He said he’d been and slept with another girl apologised to me but said he wouldn’t see her again as she wanted more and he doesn’t want a relationship or to date. The next thing I know he’s saying he would like to see me to hang out and see if there’s anything there but he doesn’t want to date or have a relationship.

Fast forward a few weeks and I tell him that we should finish the fwb thing (I started thinking about him after we were together as he was cuddling me in bed the morning after so I’m guessing catching feelings). The minute I say that he ends up ringing me asking me if I want to come and stay for a night.

So that’s the long and short of it, to say I’m confused is an understatement.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 21:27

joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 21:21

Yeah agreed. When he said the night was on for us to meet last week (which we did on thurs) he said don’t be mad, then told me he’d texted his friend for the 3 some to come over as well. She didn’t in the end but he was like what if she doesn’t come over - well I’m like I was supposed to be coming over so what does it matter?

Show quote history

Doesn’t that tell you op that he’s only using you to get a 3some? He wasn’t interested in just you.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 21:28

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 21:27

Doesn’t that tell you op that he’s only using you to get a 3some? He wasn’t interested in just you.

Show quote history

Yes I can see that now ☹️

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 21:28

I’m sorry to be blunt, but it seems to be the only way you can understand how badly he treats you.

Gymbunny2025 · 08/04/2025 21:30

Are you going to block and delete this time OP?

Sassybooklover · 08/04/2025 21:58

After the first time you had sex with him, he told you the next time it would be a 3some with a friend of his. He didn't need to see you again, until the 3some happened!!!!! WTF!! I have nothing against a 3some if it's your bag but most people take time to get to know the people involved, before anything sexual takes place because it requires a huge amount of trust and boundaries set. This man wants sex with multiple women, he's not interested in being exclusive with you, and he's not interested in a relationship with you. He wants sex with you on his terms, eg. A 3some and when he wants it. He doesn't care about you, he's just using you for sex. He's a player, for the want of a better word. Please end this arrangement, it will destroy your self-esteem.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 22:27

Sassybooklover · 08/04/2025 21:58

After the first time you had sex with him, he told you the next time it would be a 3some with a friend of his. He didn't need to see you again, until the 3some happened!!!!! WTF!! I have nothing against a 3some if it's your bag but most people take time to get to know the people involved, before anything sexual takes place because it requires a huge amount of trust and boundaries set. This man wants sex with multiple women, he's not interested in being exclusive with you, and he's not interested in a relationship with you. He wants sex with you on his terms, eg. A 3some and when he wants it. He doesn't care about you, he's just using you for sex. He's a player, for the want of a better word. Please end this arrangement, it will destroy your self-esteem.

Edited

Yeah he was like after tonight I don’t think we need a 2nd round before we have a 3some not saying I don’t want to though but when I suggested it the night before the 3 some he said yes then changed his mind to me coming around at the last minute

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 22:29

I don't see what there is to be confused about. He wants to have his cake and eat it if he's a really good shag he might be worth it but that's what he is, he's not a friend in any way.

Fioratourer · 08/04/2025 22:33

He’s playing a lot of games with you and you’re letting him op. If I had a fwb I would expect exclusivity.

whatswrongwivme · 08/04/2025 22:41

Do you genuinely need sex so badly that you are prepared to put up with being treated like shit? Even if you genuinely do need sex, I am sure you could find a far better person to have a fwb arrangement with. Good luck

Original poster
joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 22:48

RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 22:29

I don't see what there is to be confused about. He wants to have his cake and eat it if he's a really good shag he might be worth it but that's what he is, he's not a friend in any way.

I can’t complain about the sex itself it’s really good but

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 23:02

joanna123457 · 08/04/2025 22:48

I can’t complain about the sex itself it’s really good but

Show quote history

If there's a but then you should end it.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 09/04/2025 09:58

Thanks for all the replies I know it looks and sounds obvious what to do but when you are in the situation and you r caught feelings not as easy.

OP posts:
100percenthagitude · 09/04/2025 10:06

joanna123457 · 09/04/2025 09:58

Thanks for all the replies I know it looks and sounds obvious what to do but when you are in the situation and you r caught feelings not as easy.

Sorry, but I completely disagree. This "oooh I've caught feelings, it's not easy" bleating, does not fly.

Do you have a daughter, op? And if so, would you be happy for her to be treated like this?

TwistedWonder · 09/04/2025 10:21

100percenthagitude · 09/04/2025 10:06

Sorry, but I completely disagree. This "oooh I've caught feelings, it's not easy" bleating, does not fly.

Do you have a daughter, op? And if so, would you be happy for her to be treated like this?

Show quote history

Agree with you - catching feelings (very strange expression imo) is no reason to lie down like a doormat and beg someone to wipe their feet on you

Unless you enjoy being treated like a worthless convenient vagina OP, block this bloke and raise your bar out of the gutter. FWB doesn’t mean you’re purely a vessel for their sexual fantasies with no regard for your wellbeing and with no respect for you as a human being

Solidstatedrive · 09/04/2025 10:49

I’d run for the hills OP. He is totally f’ed up. There was no need to try and keep you around when you had a FWB arrangement. I don’t even think he totally understands what that is.
He is playing you big time, and he has no excuse, whatever his life circumstances are.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 09/04/2025 19:53

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
availablecupcake · 09/04/2025 20:01

“Before we met he said that he thought he liked me more than fwb … but if we did end up being more he wanted an open relationship”

Into the bin he goes. Which is where he should have gone right after he uttered these words.

Don’t feel bad, lots of men do this, to women who think they’ll get more. Just see the situation clearly from now on and let the whole thing wash right over you and into your past.

This was something that past you put up with, but present you is far too smart and full of a renewed sense of self respect to allow to continue, no matter how you feel.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 09/04/2025 20:07

availablecupcake · 09/04/2025 20:01

“Before we met he said that he thought he liked me more than fwb … but if we did end up being more he wanted an open relationship”

Into the bin he goes. Which is where he should have gone right after he uttered these words.

Don’t feel bad, lots of men do this, to women who think they’ll get more. Just see the situation clearly from now on and let the whole thing wash right over you and into your past.

This was something that past you put up with, but present you is far too smart and full of a renewed sense of self respect to allow to continue, no matter how you feel.

Thanks for that x

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 09/04/2025 20:26

I've had interactions with men like this, tell you they want a relationship and then it becomes obvious that they are actually just after someone to make their sex fantasies a reality and/or because as a couple it's easier to find another woman to join you ....

I simply said not for me thanks, and blocked. Healthy people only develop feelings for people who treat them well.

Catoo · 09/04/2025 20:59

Bloody hell OP.

There isn’t even a FWB relationship going on here. He just has sex with you when he can be arsed, which mostly he can’t.

You’re too old to be shrugging your shoulders with ‘catching feelings’ as an excuse. He told you at the start that at best you would be sharing him with other women. At that point you needed to walk.

He’s promiscuous, uses women for sex, drinks, does drugs, makes zero effort to see you. He’s all round bad news.

Please walk away. Block him on everything. Get full set of STD tests done. Have a few counselling sessions to try and understand how you got to this place.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 10/04/2025 14:17

Thanks for all the advice ladies appreciated

OP posts:
Naunet · 10/04/2025 15:48

This guy sounds like an absolute mess, don't lower yourself to entertaining him.

Original poster
joanna123457 · 21/04/2025 22:46

Edit - we’ve met up again, once of which I was trying to get another girl to see him. At first he was like I don’t believe you then, said I was making it up, when I said she couldn’t make it he was like I don’t know what to do now. It took a while to convince him for me to come over. But I did. The sex as usual was great, this time he was saying things like I just want you I’ll do anything for you (whilst we were having sex) which completely threw me but then came out with it would be better as a threesome. He replied twice when I texted him after and now it’s back to reading but not replying.

OP posts:
Ihavepandassurvivalinstinct · 21/04/2025 23:15

Some people just can't be helped.

Good luck

Catoo · 22/04/2025 17:53

Ihavepandassurvivalinstinct · 21/04/2025 23:15

Some people just can't be helped.

Good luck

Accurate