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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Younger girlfriend -doesn't seem right

57 replies

Headingforthsun · 08/04/2025 01:56

Would it bother you if you discovered that the guy you were dating used to date an 19 year old when he was 32? They married and had kids. They married when she was 24.

He seems such a nice guy but this has really thrown me. The person I'm dating is now nearly 50 so I'm bothered about something that happened quite a long time ago.

OP posts:

Thunderpants88 · 08/04/2025 01:57

It was legal and if he treated her well then no it wouldn’t bother me

unfold1 · 08/04/2025 02:06

Just being honest, it would make me feel differently. What does a 32 year old have in common with a 19 year old?

I’m in my late twenties and I find there’s a big difference between me and the fresh grads in terms of life experience. I wouldn’t consider dating someone younger than 23 tbh, because it’s such a different life stage. I rarely even interact with 19 year olds but have relatives that age and they are barely adults

Original poster

Headingforthsun · 08/04/2025 02:13

I find it a bit creepy but I can't really articulate why. They worked together for some time before they got together.

I have nieces and nephews who are 19/20, there's such a difference between 19 and 32.

OP posts:

SpringIsSpringing25 · 08/04/2025 02:39

Not back then no. 19-year-olds were more mature than they are now and it was much more usual to have a larger age different then seems acceptable now.

pincklop · 08/04/2025 03:23

If he forced her to have his kids and controlled her and was a rubbish dad, then definitely judge him. But if they were both adults and chose that life and raised the kids together then sounds like your trying to find something wrong

Curiousto · 08/04/2025 05:44

I asked a similar question about a man I was seeing, except he dated a 19 year old when he was 40. They saw each other for 3 months. This was 14 years ago.

It initially needed processing, due to my daughter being 18, but didn't take long for me to conclude I was ok with it.

19 year olds 15 years ago were very different to today's 19 year olds. And he's not a dad/uncle, so looks at adults as adults, not their age.

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/04/2025 06:14

Some 19yos are very mature and some 32yos are very immature. It wouldn’t bother me

Bernadinetta · 08/04/2025 06:16

He’s 50 now, how old are you?

MsCactus · 08/04/2025 06:32

Would definitely creep me out.

It did used to be more normalised in the past though - my parents are 60 and got together when my mum was 14/15 and he was 20/21, which I don't think was great. Didn't seem an unusual gap among their friends.

But saying that, 19 to 32 would still creep me out.

Candleabra · 08/04/2025 06:38

19 year olds 15 years ago were very different to today's 19 year olds.

15 years ago? Like 2010? No they weren’t. A 19 year old girl with a guy over 30 is a red flag whichever way you look at it.

NicolaDeLaHaye · 08/04/2025 06:45

I threw a 32 year old back as I found out his previous girlfriend was 16. He was 30 at the time. There was more weirdness than just that though.

LavenderBlue19 · 08/04/2025 06:50

Curiousto · 08/04/2025 05:44

I asked a similar question about a man I was seeing, except he dated a 19 year old when he was 40. They saw each other for 3 months. This was 14 years ago.

It initially needed processing, due to my daughter being 18, but didn't take long for me to conclude I was ok with it.

19 year olds 15 years ago were very different to today's 19 year olds. And he's not a dad/uncle, so looks at adults as adults, not their age.

I really don't think 19 year olds were that different only 15 years ago. 50 years ago, maybe.

I was dating a 30 year old 25 years ago, when I was 18. It was too big of an age gap then. Thankfully I realised fairly swiftly that we wanted very different things and ended it.

To be honest OP, yes it would put me off a bit. I suppose it depends what his attitude towards her and all other women is like now - if he's respectful and seems like a decent man I'd give him a chance - some women do want a home and kids very young. But it would be an amber flag, at least.

arcticpandas · 08/04/2025 07:05

They got married when she was 24 so it wasn't as if he was playing the field with younger girls. I met my dh when I was 23 and he was 32. Still together 20 years later..

AnotherNaCha · 08/04/2025 07:06

Yes.

AnotherNaCha · 08/04/2025 07:06

Yes.

HowardTJMoon · 08/04/2025 07:11

SpringIsSpringing25 · 08/04/2025 02:39

Not back then no. 19-year-olds were more mature than they are now and it was much more usual to have a larger age different then seems acceptable now.

The maturity level of a 19yo today isn't massively different to that of 19yo in 2008. It's not that long ago.

Men in their 30s who go after teenagers should be viewed with suspicion. There's a real power imbalance in that kind of relationship and you have to wonder why he was comfortable with that.

Original poster

Headingforthsun · 08/04/2025 07:12

Really helpful reading everyone's thoughts.
Someone asked how old I am- we are very similar ages. No big age gap. No other red flags.

OP posts:

Gymbunny2025 · 08/04/2025 07:14

I think the fact they waited 5 years to get married would be a positive for me so I would assume it was an equal relationship (unless more evidence it wasn’t)

InigoJollifant · 08/04/2025 07:19

I think given you are similar ages, they had a long term relationship and no other red flags, it’s not an issue.

my great grandparents married when he was 32 and she was 19. He had worked abroad etc, she has been in school & lived at home. Much more imbalance of power, experience etc than two adults who met at work & married when she was 24.

Curiousto · 08/04/2025 07:35

LavenderBlue19 · 08/04/2025 06:50

I really don't think 19 year olds were that different only 15 years ago. 50 years ago, maybe.

I was dating a 30 year old 25 years ago, when I was 18. It was too big of an age gap then. Thankfully I realised fairly swiftly that we wanted very different things and ended it.

Show quote history

We'll have to agree to disagree then.

DD (19) and I were just discussing that our cat is 38 in human years. She accused me of being a bad parent for letting her sleep with a 38 yr old male.

I told her she was an adult and it was her choice who she slept with.

For some people, age is a thing, for some it isn't.

They were 2 consenting adults @Headingforthsun . Does a 24 year old marrying a 37 year old feel better? As that's what happened. I'd have absolutely no issue with that at all. But it's what you're comfortable with. Maybe take some time to process while you find out more about the person he is.

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/04/2025 07:42

I'd be concerned and on the lookout for controlling behaviour from him. The context being that I was 18 and dated then married a 29 year old , he liked younger women because they're more malleable. I'm aware that he only now has started dated women his own age (in his 50s) , I'm guessing because nobody younger is interested in him now that he's aged.

I'm not saying that this is always the case but there's a huge power imbalance in age gap relationships.

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/04/2025 07:47

How's their co parenting relationship op? Is there mutual respect? Any friction?

I'd quite honestly be very concerned if my daughter (18) was dating a man so much older than her. I'd question why he wasn't interested in women his own age and why they aren't wanting to date him.

Doggymummar · 08/04/2025 07:51

I married at 19 in 1989 it was common then, what are the perceived issues?

JeremiahBullfrog · 08/04/2025 08:05

I mean it clearly worked well enough for them to get married and stay together for a number of years. But apparently not well enough for them not to split up? (Unless she's died.)

I would say what I would always say to someone dating someone whose marriage has fallen apart - interrogate the reasons that happened, and don't take everything you're told at face value. Whatever the problem was then could very easily become a problem for you too.

MightyGoldBear · 08/04/2025 08:06

Yes it would bother me. I'm that age now and 19year olds are like children to me. Im more likely to gently parent them than want to sleep or share my life with them. Yuck.

I am an old soul was mature for my age at 20 dating a 30 year old it was still really off with power dynamics we just shared very little in common and was at completely different life stages. He was still incredibly immature even to me at 20. Hence no women his own age wanted to date him. I was young and naive. It didn't last long.

Whats difficult is you can't trust what you partner tells you. As we know too well with lots of men who they are when they think no one is watching is very different to their public persona. Has he reflected on it at all? How does he feel about it?

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