Younger girlfriend -doesn't seem right

[Headingforthsun]

Would it bother you if you discovered that the guy you were dating used to date an 19 year old when he was 32? They married and had kids. They married when she was 24.

He seems such a nice guy but this has really thrown me. The person I'm dating is now nearly 50 so I'm bothered about something that happened quite a long time ago.

Someone told me that “half your age plus 7” is the rule for the youngest you could/should date. So a 20yo shouldn’t go lower than 17, a 50yo shouldn’t go lower than 32. So according to that rule of thumb, yes it’s creepy. But so much depends on circumstances.

Exactly. It was different then, and people are trying to make out something sordid when it wasn't.

You do know that 1989 isn't the same year as 2008, right?

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

1989 is rather different to 2008. Most people didn't go to uni in 1989 - women in general had far less agency, it was far more common to start a family young, and the Sex Discrimination Act had only come into place 10 years earlier. It was a completely different world.

I would at the very least have my eyes wide open for any pushy, controlling or manipulative behaviour. And I'd want to know how the relationship ended, if they are on good terms, whether he's dated much younger since etc. If it wasn't all bright green flags on all those fronts I'd check him back.

It obviously bothers you enough to ask though, so if in your gut it doesn't seem right then listen to that. It doesn't matter if he tells you it's okay or a load of MN have positive age gap stories, you can end it for any reason you want.

I dated a 30 year old when I was 19, early 1990s. We had different political views, I didn’t feel violated or anything like that. When I was 40 I dated a 52 year old who had always dated much younger women and that creeped me out a bit.

It would bother me. I would think we have very different moral values.

This. You don’t need to have a reason. If you don’t like it. You don’t like it.

you don’t need validation.

😂

men do not see 19 year old and 40 year old women as the same

This is a timely thread for me! I realised this morning that I heavily flirted with a 22 year old man when I was 35!

I didn’t realise how young he was at the time.

I’ve been feeling a bit “off” all day! I do have a habit of overthinking things though!!

Like another PP I was an old soul and fiercely independant. I had an age gap relationship, when in my late teens. It didn't feel like it at the time but looking back he tried hard to be very controlling, I was like water and kept adjusting to keep myself independant of him which I thought was fine at the time.

In my mid 20s I realised I'd agreed/given in to an emotionally difficult situation because I thought if he was happy, I'd be happy. As grown up and independant as I felt at the time, it wasn't right, he never did feel he had control over me yet he still managed to gain a lot of power. The situation we were in was done to punish me for not complying with his wishes, he admitted as much in his final tirade. I saw that I wasn't so grown up after all. Our age gap was less than 12/13 years, it was a woefully unbalanced relationship, I stuck it out too long.

You are entitled to feel how you feel about this, all the age gap relationships I know, even the happy ones have some level of imbalance. If they are both happy like that I would say "Who am I to speak against it" but if a man I was seeing told me this, knowing what I know, I'd feel uncomfortable too.

No instant decision is needed here, he's not being cruel to you so you can take your time to see how you feel. Whatever you choose to do I hope you find happiness.

To add to pp comments - my parents did always have an unequal relationship. My mum was treated more like a child by my dad that an equal partner when I was growing up, and she says she thinks it's because she was so young/naive when they got together. She never recommended me to have an age gap relationship so young.

They only started to have an equal relationship once my mum hit her 50s, and my dad was very controlling in the early years. He's mellowed now.

So I don't think age gap relationships, particularly when one is an inexperienced teen, are great.

I'm 33 now and I know that if I dated a 19 year old I would so much have the upper hand over them, just through my means and life experience. Teenagers are so young and impressionable imo, so you're not wrong to be creeped out by the relationship.

It wouldn't bother me.

It was a long time ago. It was obviously a serious relationship as they married and had children.

By the time someone is 50 you need to expect they have a history of relationships.

Also you can have radically different 19 year olds in terms of maturity and looks.

Every relationship has different dynamics.

Is there an age difference between you and him?

Yeah, I think that'd squick me right out.

I'm male, and know the type of man over 30 who'd date a 19 year old. They're generally not good people, or someone you'd want a relationship with

I think if she was 21 it wouldn't bother me so much, but at 19 you've barely been an adult for a year. You've got absolutely no life experience really, so there's always going to be a power dynamic there.

Completely creepy. Wouldn’t be happy with that at all.

My partner (is old now) used to date a 20 year old when he was 27 and I’m a bit odd about that. Then a different 23 year old when he was 30, and then a 30 year old at 37 (all for at least 3-4 years). Seems to like 7 year difference. He has however also dated a couple of slightly older (than him) women so I try to stop myself thinking it’s a strong preference and is just a coincidence. In your case I’d defo feel even more uncomfy. I briefly dated a 27 year old when I was 17 (the only time I’ve had a significant age gap ever). Looking back he was gross as his previous girlfriend had also been 17. He didn’t groom me etc, felt equal at the time but strikes me as he was inadequate with women of his own age looking back. I was obviously more easily impressed that a grown up would have been. Grim.

There's only a few years between him and me. Not much at all.

Honestly these things weren’t even considered a big deal back in the 80’s. How old are you that you don’t remember this? Are you younger than him?

It would.give me the major ick. You are not crazy for questioning it.

Ignore me my maths is all messed up!!

Complete BS! Is that what he told you? That "15 years ago 19 yo were different to today's"? I was 19 about 15 years ago, and I was more like a kid than an adult, frankly! Much closer in mentality to a 15 yo that a 32 or 40 yo. The shit these sleazy, controlling middle aged men will come up with to justify preying on late teens is baffling!

What utter rubbish. My DH is 19
years older than me and there is zero power imbalance. Not all age gap relationships are like that.

@ChicaWowWow I agree. The best one I've heard is that it's fine for a 35 yo man to date a 20 yo woman if she's mature for her age.

When I met my first husband I was 18 , he was 29. I was doing A levels , had never lived away from home before , was about to vote in my first general election. I was learning to be an adult , but I was in no way mature enough to make sensible decisions independently. I was only just out of school. I still had Oasis and Brian Adams posters on my bedroom wall ffs. I was a child and should've dated nearer my own age.

@Boredlass I'm glad it worked out for you , but I'd bet that more people have an experience like mine than yours.