Brother being awful

[Bobbie1976]

Hi I'm in my forties with a brother the same but a couple of years younger. We have lost our folks and I have always done my best to be supportive of him, protect him, be there for him etc and he is good to me most of the time, helping me financially etc and I do love him very much. He's the only close relative I have left.

He is a reformed alcoholic, and has a stressful job - self employed. We lost our Dad who was in the same industry when he was in his early 50's. I see my brother going through an immense amount of stress and I'm afraid he will die young as well - the fact he is a smoker doesn't help.

When I went to visit him recently, I was horrified by the mess of his home. It is literally a pig sty downstairs, so dirty that I can't even bear to walk inside. I have a very serious aversion against cigarettes and seeing them lying on the ground is literally one of the most off putting things for me. It gives me the willies.

Last month, due to him not answering his phone over the course of a few days, I started to panic, and thought he had perhaps fallen off the wagon which is something I would never really want to witness again. What my Mum and I went through with him was horrendous - seeing him in such a bad way - but he does not like it being brought up now, even if I say I'm only getting in touch because I was worried about you. When I eventually did get hold of him, he asked me why I was bothering him, turned it around and said 'are YOU ok?' making me sound like I was crazy for caring and when I said 'I was just worried because this is how you went when you were really sick', he lost his temper and said 'Are you at work?' I said 'yes' and he said 'why don't you take that middle finger that you type with, stick it right up your asshole and swivel on it, you effing bitch'.

I texted him to say I didn't mean any offence, but he messaged back, 'yes you did DEAR SISTER....' After this we weren't in touch for at least a month. Being the eldest I surprised him at a very important gig he was having for his band and he seemed pleased, but no apology or anything. I arranged for his best mate to be there too.

Fast forward to yesterday and I could see that 'the eyes' were coming back - by that I mean when his whole demeanour seems to change. He often makes reference to not getting enough sleep but it seemed different - definitely not alcohol, but like a whole different personality. We were going to visit my uncle who had been ill - quite a car ride away and the entire time, he was so nasty to me.

I told him that I felt he was in danger of becoming ill due to the stress of the job, that he was a smoker and that I wondered how he would feel about getting a job with a regular income that means he wouldn't be so stressed. I told him I just didn't want him to die and that was my only fear.

But he launched into a whole shpeel about how 'if I die you're just worried you won't be able to borrow money anymore....and why don't you give up what you love doing and get a different job...and do you understand? do you understand? do you understand?' repeatedly....'I'm trying to get through to you...tell me you understand..'

I reluctantly agreed to keep the peace but he wouldn't let up. Then when I reiterated I was just worried as men die younger and he's a smoker he said 'You will die before me...I'm in so much better shape than you are!'

I'm a curvy woman and I admit I have been very badly depressed and have gained a little weight. I am very very sensitive about it as I am not long out of a relationship where I was made to feel not good enough due to this - and my brother knows this. I'm not morbidly obese or anything and I am trying to lose weight. But to throw that in my face?

To make matters worse, when we got inside I asked my uncle who is the executor of my Mum's will, if he knew if her apartment on the coast was still there. She (I thought) owned it with her friend who was also horrible to me, interfered with my family relationships and seemed to think she was another parent. I have distanced myself from her, for my own health but in front of my uncle my brother said 'if you want to know about the apartment, all you need to do is say one word to her'. I said 'what?' and he said 'SORRY'. Neglecting how this woman treated me for 20 years and the fact that she still sniffs around my brother to get him on side. I was absolutely cut to the bone.

This is the first time I have not wanted to even try to see him or stay in touch. I have done my utmost to help him, even driving across the country to 'rescue' him when he almost died of alcoholism. I watched him hurt my Mum with his words, and now he's doing it to me. I don't feel I deserve it, I don't know. On top of losing the person I thought I'd spend my life with after he told me I was his soulmate only to dump me within a week and behave brutally to me, I'm starting to think this is my lot in life. Everyone else seems to be able to get everything right. I have no one to talk to, if I try to talk to friends they change the subject, everything has to be happy happy all the time.

Sorry this is so long but I'd love to hear what others think

Thank you x

This is the first time I have not wanted to even try to see him or stay in touch.

Why? He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'm not sure what you're doing. He was very hostile towards you when you asked about his drinking so you continued the conversation in the car and then complain he's hostile.

He sounds like he has complete contempt for you.

I want yo be sympathetic towards you op but, you are an enabler. And I don't mean about his lifestyle I mean regarding how he treats others.

'Family' is never an excuse to tolerate abusive language towards women. And I'd bet he's just as nasty to other women as he is you.

You're like one of those people who refuses to put down an aggressive dog even though it bites them. And, you don't care that in doing so, it is also now a risk to others.

Now I'm not blaming you for his nasty behaviour. But I am saying everyone has a responsibility to withdraw from abusive men. Everyone. Otherwise you are not only putting yourself at risk. But condoning their bs.

It is also not your job to rescue a grown man. Let alone one who is a risk to you.

Step back. Farrrrr back.
It's time to let him solve his own mess. But you need to love yourself and respect yourself. For far too long you've tolerated abuse and made excuses for the rotten behaviour.

Choose yourself now.

There is no 'good him' and 'bad him'. It's all just him. And he is abusive. He wants to be left alone. Good. Give him what he wants.

And distance yourself from all the abusers in your life.

They mean you harm.

@Sodthesystem is 100% right.

I have a brother just like this apart from the gigs. We are a bit older at 58 and 60.

took me a long time to get there but the best way is accept he's horrible and wait for him to contact you. Likely he won't and life will be so much better for it. It's sad but some families are like this.

I am not complaining intentionally. I just am struggling to figure out what I did wrong. Maybe I’m so conditioned to the behaviour now that it’s become normal. I’ve had 10 years of it now since he nearly died, then through alcoholic slips and finally what I hoped was recovery. He’s my little brother. I didn’t actually think of it as abusive or enabling. I guess I didn’t think that applied in a sibling relationship and it’s all I’ve known from him on and off for years now. I’ve done everything and anything to be there for him and just can’t understand why this is what I get back.

Why do you think you've done something wrong?

Why do you think if you are nice and supportive, you will get the same treatment back?

It's quite simple op. Your brother is an arshole. You can pour all you want into him but he will always be a cup with a hole.

You have codependency and until you address that, you are doomed to continue to keep abusive men in your life and blame yourself when they treat you like shit.

Kindness does not mean you are owed it in return. Same for running after people. It won't mate them love you.

There's a book called 'codrpendent no more' and another, 'the art of saying no'. These may help you unlearn your need to pander to emotionally unavailable and cruel men.

Think of it this way - a vet might save a tigers life, but if that tiger wakes up, it'll eat the vet. Because it is what it is. Don't hang around a tiger unless you have to. And you, aren't a vet with a fistful of tranquilliser darts (or a therapist or a doctor for that matter).

Just because you are nice to a dangerous animal, it doesn't have to be nice back. It will always be a threat.

See my problem is, I love tigers and I'd let it eat me before I let someone harm it :(

But that's not love. Because if it eats you it might get sick. What motivation is there for him to behave like a decent human being if he can behave like a cunt and everyone around him stays and tolerates it? If you keep praising a bully on the playground and acting like he can do no wrong, how are you any better than them?

You need to learn to differentiate between love and codependency. You aren't tolerating his behaviour out of love, you're tolerating it because you need him to love you and because you're terrified of 'being the bad guy'.

That's not the same thing as love.

You get your self worth by doing good for others and thinking it means they will love you back. It doesn't. Life isn't transactional like that.

And you shouldn't have your self worth so emeshed with what someone else, who has form for being mean to you, thinks of you.

Bad men thrive because good people hang around thinking that being the right hand of the devil, makes them immune. Thinking that because they are family, they would never hurt you.

You know this man means you harm now. Get out of the tiger pit.Stop being a martyr to it.

And if you don't want too then, you need to seriously be asking yourself why. Why you need to win over abusive people. Perhaps it's rooted in having spent your childhood trying to win the affections of the abusive mother? Stuck repeating the cycle. Thinking if he can love you, you'll be 'worthwhile'.

You are not a bad person op and you need to stop giving the power to bad people to tell you that you are. You'll never be able to prove your goodness or worth to them. Because they don't want to see it.

It's not until removing these toxic people and doing the self work that you'll come to find peace and be able to go on in future to have healthy relationships.

Maybe try the Freedom Programme - it is about how to recognise and distance yourself from abusive men. It is free and well regarded.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

He is not a very nice man and you are pushing him to think about and confront things he does not want to consider such as his health and he is lashing out as a result. I would think that he would say you expressing you are fearful he might die because of stress, smoking - gives him the same opportunity to discuss your weight. You are both bringing up things the other is sensitive about. Whereas you are upset about it in one way he is upset expressing it as anger.

Just because he is your brother, you do not need to have a relationship with him nor do you have to keep trying to support him when he is being mean, rude and aggressive with you. I would cut contact, without saying I am cutting contact - ie you don't need to make an announcement about it just withdraw and take care of yourself.
If you do not hear from him, then you have information about how bothered he is to maintain the relationship, if it is you being the one to do all the work then take a break. If he contacts you and says anything about not hearing from you then you can say you upset me a lot with what you did and said the last few times and I have tried to protect myself from more. If he cares, he will try and work with you to resolve things if he isn't that bothered, he won't.

I guess I thought being a sibling was a done deal. In that you didn’t walk away from each other. But I can’t take anymore, and him siding with that woman as well is the final straw.

You can and should walk away from ANYONE who treats you badly. Family, friends, it doesn’t matter. If people treat you badly, they are not your people. What happened to you that made you think you had to put up with abusive behaviour and that it is somehow your fault? I think you need to get some therapy to figure out why you’re where you’re at,
build your self esteem, learn how to set and maintain boundaries and not repeat old patterns of behaviour that are bad for you. You seem to have a martyr complex going on and it’s important that you understand that so you can change it. Perhaps you learned to serve others and put their needs before your own when you were young to avoid falling victim to abuse? I don’t know. However, that old survival technique no longer serves you and you have to take steps to change that programming.

By the same reasoning, can kids walk away from parfophile parents or are they owed a relationship because they are family?

Family means nothing if they are horrible people. Sometimes you have to be prepared to walk away. For your own peace and sanity.

It sounds like you need some space from each other. It does sound like you harangue him a lot. He's not your 10 year old child. Telling him how stressed he is, how he's going to die young, how he should give up his career, how he should give up smoking. None if that is helpful at all. All it's doing is annoying him and causing him more anxiety. Can't you see how annoying and unhelpful that would be?

Don’t let the tiger eat you - just keep yourself safe and stay out of its way. Your brother, your ex, your mum’s friend - none of them - don’t have the automatic right to be nasty to you - no one does.

So I deserve it? 💔 he started on me from the minute I spoke to him yesterday. 💔 maybe I’m the one in the wrong here?

Why do you keep jumping towards self deprecating?

He is nasty and it doesn't matter why because there's no excuse for it. Even if he's annoyed at you for being 'too concerned'.

But even if you were being too full on and smothering, the solution is the same: give him the space in the world by not engaging with him any more.

It doesn't have to be about fault. He makes you feel like shit so stop socialising with him.

It just feels like all the abuse I’ve suffered is my fault because I care too much. Believe it or not most of it was at the hands of the woman he sat and defended yesterday. Ugh my heads melted. I’m really confused.

I forgot to mention, during the week I had tried to contact him without success, and on the same day he called me names and told me where to stick my finger, he rang me repeatedly at 5 o’clock in the morning on purpose. When I asked him what was wrong he just kept saying ‘are you ok are you ok are you ok?’ down the phone. It really frightened me.

I'm not saying you deserve it. Only that every action has a reaction. The way you are behaving with your brother is causing him to lash out at you and youre caught in this vicious cycle. He clearly wants you to back off but you serm overly anxious that something bad will happen to him unless your on his case all the time. Have you ever had any counselling? It doesn't sound like you have had good examples set growing up on how to navigate relationships. It might help.

When I asked him what was wrong he just kept saying ‘are you ok are you ok are you ok?’ down the phone. It really frightened me

He did that because this is how he feels you are with him. Constantly checking up on him. He's giving you a taste of your own medicine so to speak. I know it's hard to back off when you're worried about someone you love but you need to let him live his own life.

Stop acting like his caseworker (I can sniff codependency a mile off).

Sticking with abusers eventually becomes an act of self harm. He's abusing you, so keep your distance.

I think you could really benefit from some therapy. There seem to be a lot of people in your life who victimise you. Either there's a problem with boundaries or there's a problem with perception.

From your OP:

Your brother thinks you're deliberately trying to cause him offence by badgering him about his previous alcoholism (whether that's true or not)

You did something nice for him not because you wanted to but because you felt the obligation of "as the eldest"

Your brother has said your concerns are rooted in "not being able to borrow money any more" - do you borrow money from him?

He thinks his smoking is no worse than you being overweight - he might be completed deluded about that, but you don't seem to see that him "throwing it in your face" might feel exactly the same to him about you "throwing it in his face" about his own unhealthy habits.

Your mum's friend was also "horrible" and you had to distance yourself for your health

Your soulmate was "brutal"

Your friends are sick of listening

What is going on here? If your brother, your mother's friend, your ex-partner and your friends have all been inexplicably awful - you need far sounder boundaries. If you've been judging your brother while borrowing off him, your mother's friend and your ex-partner have both distanced themselves for no apparent reason, and your friends change the subject when you raise these issues - possibly you need some support with healthy relationships.

Well to be fair, he did it because he's a spiteful arsehole. Plenty of people are capable of saying 'hey, I need some space, don't call so much' without being a prick about it.

Abusers condition you to 'care too much'. They want you constantly trying to prove your love/devotion/goodness. So a. You meet their needs. B. You stroke their ego. And c. They can treat you like shit because you're always around.

But what's confusing you about hearing - stop running after people who even don't treat you respectfully? It's not about deserving or not deserving. No one deserves abuse. Do you think battered wives deserved to be hit because they weren't 'nice' enough? I hope not. So why do you think it's ok for people to treat you like shit?

Stop blaming yourself. You made the mistake of thinking you could get a tiger to be a lamb. You can't. Now you know, you can make different choices. You didn't know you were the lamb before, now you do. So stop hanging around him making the same mistakes. Stay away from him and get yourself a decent therapist who specialised in codependency and abuse trauma.