Brother being awful

[Bobbie1976]

Hi I'm in my forties with a brother the same but a couple of years younger. We have lost our folks and I have always done my best to be supportive of him, protect him, be there for him etc and he is good to me most of the time, helping me financially etc and I do love him very much. He's the only close relative I have left.

He is a reformed alcoholic, and has a stressful job - self employed. We lost our Dad who was in the same industry when he was in his early 50's. I see my brother going through an immense amount of stress and I'm afraid he will die young as well - the fact he is a smoker doesn't help.

When I went to visit him recently, I was horrified by the mess of his home. It is literally a pig sty downstairs, so dirty that I can't even bear to walk inside. I have a very serious aversion against cigarettes and seeing them lying on the ground is literally one of the most off putting things for me. It gives me the willies.

Last month, due to him not answering his phone over the course of a few days, I started to panic, and thought he had perhaps fallen off the wagon which is something I would never really want to witness again. What my Mum and I went through with him was horrendous - seeing him in such a bad way - but he does not like it being brought up now, even if I say I'm only getting in touch because I was worried about you. When I eventually did get hold of him, he asked me why I was bothering him, turned it around and said 'are YOU ok?' making me sound like I was crazy for caring and when I said 'I was just worried because this is how you went when you were really sick', he lost his temper and said 'Are you at work?' I said 'yes' and he said 'why don't you take that middle finger that you type with, stick it right up your asshole and swivel on it, you effing bitch'.

I texted him to say I didn't mean any offence, but he messaged back, 'yes you did DEAR SISTER....' After this we weren't in touch for at least a month. Being the eldest I surprised him at a very important gig he was having for his band and he seemed pleased, but no apology or anything. I arranged for his best mate to be there too.

Fast forward to yesterday and I could see that 'the eyes' were coming back - by that I mean when his whole demeanour seems to change. He often makes reference to not getting enough sleep but it seemed different - definitely not alcohol, but like a whole different personality. We were going to visit my uncle who had been ill - quite a car ride away and the entire time, he was so nasty to me.

I told him that I felt he was in danger of becoming ill due to the stress of the job, that he was a smoker and that I wondered how he would feel about getting a job with a regular income that means he wouldn't be so stressed. I told him I just didn't want him to die and that was my only fear.

But he launched into a whole shpeel about how 'if I die you're just worried you won't be able to borrow money anymore....and why don't you give up what you love doing and get a different job...and do you understand? do you understand? do you understand?' repeatedly....'I'm trying to get through to you...tell me you understand..'

I reluctantly agreed to keep the peace but he wouldn't let up. Then when I reiterated I was just worried as men die younger and he's a smoker he said 'You will die before me...I'm in so much better shape than you are!'

I'm a curvy woman and I admit I have been very badly depressed and have gained a little weight. I am very very sensitive about it as I am not long out of a relationship where I was made to feel not good enough due to this - and my brother knows this. I'm not morbidly obese or anything and I am trying to lose weight. But to throw that in my face?

To make matters worse, when we got inside I asked my uncle who is the executor of my Mum's will, if he knew if her apartment on the coast was still there. She (I thought) owned it with her friend who was also horrible to me, interfered with my family relationships and seemed to think she was another parent. I have distanced myself from her, for my own health but in front of my uncle my brother said 'if you want to know about the apartment, all you need to do is say one word to her'. I said 'what?' and he said 'SORRY'. Neglecting how this woman treated me for 20 years and the fact that she still sniffs around my brother to get him on side. I was absolutely cut to the bone.

This is the first time I have not wanted to even try to see him or stay in touch. I have done my utmost to help him, even driving across the country to 'rescue' him when he almost died of alcoholism. I watched him hurt my Mum with his words, and now he's doing it to me. I don't feel I deserve it, I don't know. On top of losing the person I thought I'd spend my life with after he told me I was his soulmate only to dump me within a week and behave brutally to me, I'm starting to think this is my lot in life. Everyone else seems to be able to get everything right. I have no one to talk to, if I try to talk to friends they change the subject, everything has to be happy happy all the time.

Sorry this is so long but I'd love to hear what others think

Thank you x

Yeah, he's either drinking again or he's picked up another substance. Take a giant step back OP. Look into Al-Anon - for friends and loved ones of alcoholics. Their program can really help with breaking codependent behaviours.

Thre are a couple of things going on here to my mind

The first is that you are hounding and pressuring your brother inappropriately – no one ever stopped smoking or lost weight or even stopped drugs/alcohol because a loved one told them they were “worried”. Yes, his smoking and lifestyle is a concern, but you going on at him about it is no more helpful than if he is hounding you about your weight. I am sure you mean well, but this is going to cause problems and you need to stop telling him how to live his life.

However, the second point is that I recognise some of this behaviour from when BIL was sliding back into addiction after being clean for many years. The defensiveness, the tendency to attack, the obvious inability to function which impacts things like living standards, hygiene etc. So it seems to me that the chances are that he is drinking again (or abusing other substances). But sadly, again, you can’t stop that. It is perfectly reasonable to step away though. To tell him you can’t watch him destroy himself and his life and that you will be stepping back for a while in the meantime.

No need to apologise. Boundaries are non-negotiable parameters that you set to protect yourself. For example, you might have the boundary that cheating in a relationship is a deal breaker or someone calling you an abusive name or physically hitting you is unacceptable. These would all be boundaries that you don’t allow people to cross and if they do, you end your relationship with them. I think you might have trouble knowing what your boundaries are or you don’t really have any and therefore people treat you very poorly. You accept blame for their bad behaviour, which you should not. If someone is abusive to you, it’s a choice they have made and never the fault of the victim. You could use some help to understand what are appropriate boundaries in all kinds of social relationships from work, friends, family and intimate relationships.

In terms of your intimate relationships, it sounds like you might be overly trusting and believe whatever a person tells you. So when he told you, you were his soulmate, you believed him and he was able to emotionally manipulate you to get what he wanted.

There could be an element of not understanding other people’s boundaries too. Your brother has repeatedly told you that he doesn’t want you checking up on him but you keep doing it anyway. This doesn’t mean he is right to be abusive to you but it wouldn’t be wrong of him to be angry that you’re not respecting his boundaries.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you did have autism due to your difficulties with social relationships and understanding others but also your overly trusting nature. You do seem to overthink and ruminate excessively too which can be something people with autism do.

I think that getting the right support would be a massive help because it sounds as if your family aren’t very supportive and you might need to distance yourself from them for the time being whilst you come to a greater understanding of yourself, your own trauma, your needs and learn to set and maintain your boundaries to keep yourself emotionally safe. I feel for you OP because you seem like a lovely person and you just need a little support.

No one causes abuse. Because there is no excuse for abuse. Even if you are annoying someone or whatever, they don't get to then say horrible things to you.

What pp means however regarding your boundaries..i think, is that you are staying around people letting them trample all over you. As if you have no boundaries to protect yourself in place. And also, that you may struggle with boundaries as a whole, so for example: perhaps not knowing when you've over shared your situation with friends and they are exhausted hearing about it, until they literally snap and tell you that you're being 'a bit much' or, end the friendships. Or, another example might be over-fussing over your brother and his life choices even when he makes it clear he needs space.

When we are used to other people trampling all over us, we lose boundaries that we really should have. And in turn it can distort our view of how we should treat others. And we end up taking too much from them.

Also worth noting that we cannot pour from an empty cup so what happens is, we try refill, from other people. In trying to run after your brother so much your cup runs dry. And other people may suffer the result of that as you try to refill it from them.

I even left my job due to him telling people he was 'hiding' from me.

What do you mean by this?

We worked together. After he ended it I had to work and I tried really hard to be just me, speak when spoken to etc. I was on night shift and one night I forgot my coffee cup. I borrowed his, because I knew it was clean, Wasn’t too sure bout the other mens! I washed it thoroughly and put it back. Brought my own cup the next night. His cup had now vanished. Turns out he noticed how sparkling it was and queried it with another worker. They made a comment that I had used it - I later found out the guy found this funny.

I approached him and asked him why the cup had gone and he was really cold to me and said ‘I don’t like people using my stuff so I took it home’. This is a man who I’ve slept with lots of times and who has been in my home. Eaten off my plates my forks etc. Slept in my bed used my toilet.

i apologised - more than once as the silent treatment kicked in. Them instead of saying bye the way he always did every day, my colleague told me that he had said he was packing up his car during the day so he could just leave. He avoided me totally. When I started to do the same, he was openly furious.

Then my colleague told me he was texting him from the toilets asking ‘has she left yet?’ And ‘tell her I’m hiding in the toilets’. This man is 52. I went to to my boss as I was devastated but actually sick coming to work.

My boss said he would not intervene but would observe. I begged him. Nothing changed. Told my female supervisor as her response was ‘well he must be uncomfortable’.

He went on holiday and I handed in my notice. On the day I started he was outside my building. Just said ‘hey good luck in the new job!’ I’ve seen him in various work situations since as it’s the same industry and if anything it’s like nothing ever happened. He chats away to me asks how I am etc. But that sole act of hiding has done me more damage than anything he did.

And to anyone who doubts me, all I did was use his cup for some tea. And that’s what happened as a result. I really cared about him and look what happened. So I’m a lone worker now, too scared to be around people incase I mess up again.

Sorry for the delay. I had asked her outright, but she was absolutely dead set against the idea. It horrified her, but I DO believe the other woman was in love with my Mum, yes. It was obsession. I remember one year at Christmas she had hurt her ankle, and long past the hours my Mum had returned to work, this woman was still lying in my Mum's bed. She just wouldn't get up and it was so awkward for me having her in the house. I also found a Valentines card one year from her to my Mum with pet names.

Mum wasn't super religious but she had a belief but I did notice there were more and more religious things appearing in our home. The woman also gave her a portrait sized photo of herself, which was displayed upstairs. There were actually more photos of her in the house than there were of me. It really hurt. But yes I do think she used the power she had as a minister to make out she was all good - and a comfort to my Mum - but she isn't deep down. Others in our community have told me she's a narcissist, she's intense and a bully.