Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever thought about leaving the husband and kids to it and heading off into the sunset?

68 replies

CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:00

I have a pretty stressful job, I’m sure I don’t mange that stress very well and I suspect it really affects how I interact with my family, I do love it though and think I just thrive in that high pressured environment. I am often quite short tempered and do not (arguably cannot in current role) make the time for the family that I should. I outsource a considerable amount of family life to my husband and he also works full time but in a much less demanding role, i.e. he’s busy but his neck/job isn’t on the line if things don’t go according to plan and he works regular 9 to 5 type hours. I still end up doing a lot of our life admin, house upkeep, laundry, meal planning etc and feel like it’s just another part of an already pretty demanding job I could really do without.

Here’s the fantasy bit - I genuinely think that the house would be more harmonious without me in it! I sometime fantasise about packing up my bits and moving out to some little rented flat somewhere/anywhere in the world (I work remotely). I have even gone as far as to work out what I need to put in the joint account to pay the mortgage and bills/food each month (I cover that anyway) and what I would have left over to live on. I think I could live very comfortably in southern Europe so wouldn’t be too far away for holiday visits when I would actually take time off and be a ‘fun mum’ instead of the demanding harridan my peri-menopausal self seems to be turning into.

Genuinely interested to know if anyone has actually done this rather than just fantasise about it!

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 03/04/2025 19:00

My mum did it.

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:03

@AgathaMystery my immediate reaction to reading that was that I am sorry which is thought provoking in itself. I am sorry if my post was triggering in anyway.

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 03/04/2025 19:09

CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:03

@AgathaMystery my immediate reaction to reading that was that I am sorry which is thought provoking in itself. I am sorry if my post was triggering in anyway.

Your post isn’t triggering at all, you don’t need to be sorry.

However, if your visceral reaction was ‘I’m sorry’ then maybe imagine your own children being me.

Definitely sort your life out, and don’t make your kids collateral. But also, yes, of course I know how much a studio flat is in my postcode.

Soonenough · 03/04/2025 19:13

Depends on how old your kids are . If they are young it seems a terrible idea to abandon them like that. I took a summer out when my kids were in early 20s . Things weren't great in the marriage and it seemed great timing. It was good to just be myself by myself for awhile. Came back refreshed and ready to make big changes . Started divorce proceedings.

Velvian · 03/04/2025 19:23

AgathaMystery · 03/04/2025 19:09

Your post isn’t triggering at all, you don’t need to be sorry.

However, if your visceral reaction was ‘I’m sorry’ then maybe imagine your own children being me.

Definitely sort your life out, and don’t make your kids collateral. But also, yes, of course I know how much a studio flat is in my postcode.

Edited
Show quote history

I also admit to knowing how much a studio flat is in my postcode. I keep a regular eye on Rightmove. If DH ever trades me in for a younger model, I will definitely be the one off to the studio flat!

@CooCooCachoo I do fantasise about it fairly regularly, but I would still want to be in the very close vicinity of my DC, just not in the house. 😅

Mistunza · 03/04/2025 19:24

In all seriousness I think you should change something. Start working out of the house, maybe at one of those communal office things. Take a long weekend in an AirBnB by yourself.

Do you ever feel happy, and how happy do you get? How do you feel about spending time with your husband?

I feel 2 adults working FT with young kids is incredibly hard. But for your husband I very, very much doubt it would be easier without you. Your contribution sounds huge.

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:25

Ah yes, that is pertinent info, kids are early teens. Maybe bide my time until they are late teens then disappear for some soul searching.

OP posts:
Mistunza · 03/04/2025 19:30

CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:25

Ah yes, that is pertinent info, kids are early teens. Maybe bide my time until they are late teens then disappear for some soul searching.

In their GCSE year, the year they move to college and step up to A levels, the year they research , visit and apply to unis/apprenticeships and sit their A Levels or the year they head off to uni/work and cope with all the challenge and change of that?

Get yourself a good therapist, do some soul searching with them now.

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:38

@Mistunza - smaller ch ages like working outside of the house would certainly be a more reasonable start. Perhaps not constantly being surrounded by the detritus of a busy house would put a lid on things!

Relationship wise, DH and I muddle along. Very much treat family life as a job share really. I think he is more invested or just likes the lifestyle. If the DCs were no longer at home, I would probably have already called it quits. Thing is, I think they pick up on that and me being bad tempered a lot of the time is probably doing a number on them too. I don’t have terribly fond memories of childhood with my own DM for similar reasons and felt perpetually sorry for my poor Dad. Im NC with both my parents now largely because of this and would hate it if my DCs felt that way too when they are older. I am worried that that boat may already have sailed!

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 19:41

Doesn't everyone have those fantasies when stressed?

I remember my mum threatening to run away!

I was never blessed with children of my own, but when I was working full time and caring for my mum and my husband I sometimes fantasised about running away to London, renting a grotty bedsit and getting a job on a market stall...

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:46

@WearyAuldWumman ha, yes, I’m certain they do. For me it was a fairly recent epiphany that I am possibly doing more harm than good and caretaking from afar would be better all round.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 19:48

CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 19:46

@WearyAuldWumman ha, yes, I’m certain they do. For me it was a fairly recent epiphany that I am possibly doing more harm than good and caretaking from afar would be better all round.

As others have said, your contribution sounds huge. It seems to me that you and your husband need a break. (Sorry - I'm stating the obvious...Not terribly helpful.)

SirChenjins · 03/04/2025 20:05

I fantasise about this regularly. I‘be worked out what I can afford and spend a lot of time looking at small properties in France, Northumberland and the north of Scotland. I would move there with my dog and live a lovely life doing exactly as I please.

I probably won’t - but it’s definitely on my perimenopausal mind often.

Mistunza · 03/04/2025 20:10

It sounds to me like you are unhappy, maybe burned out and you are fixating on one particular solution rather than exploring the problem.

It could be a marriage problem, it could be burn out, it could be depression which doesn't always feel like you think it should, or even something like Vit D or iron deficiency. I remember being absolutely convinced that I was desperately unhappy because our house was so rubbish, and moving would fix everything. Spent hours on Rightmove, had agents round to estimate, everything. Then got diagnosed with depression and treated for it, and that whole feeling lifted right off. Our brains are hard wired to leap to a conclusion but they can get it very wrong At the risk of sounding harsh, the best thing you can do for your kids is not to simply walk away, but invest time and energy in unpicking what the actual problem is. Just in case it's not what you think, and what you think sounds like the only possible solution now is actually not even in the top 10.

Branleuse · 03/04/2025 20:18

I feel like this pretty often.

Staceysmum2025 · 03/04/2025 20:35

More women should do it, i wish i had. Yhe kids resented the poverty i had apparently caused them by his affairs. If i could do it again I would have left the day I found out and sent him 15% of my income to live off

WingBingo · 03/04/2025 21:54

I fantasise about this all the time. DH is pretty much a SAHD and I spend a good chunk of the weekend doing chores.

all whilst DH and is MIL who lives with us sit around doing very little.

during the week they do nice brunches and dog walks.

and they think I’m unreasonable when I point this out.

2 DC at late stage primary too.

MIL does help with childcare though, which I appreciate.

stanleypops66 · 03/04/2025 22:00

No I’ve never thought about it. But I’m not stressed by my job and I love being at home with my family. I have a professional job but I’ve made it work for me. I could earn more but I don’t need to and work life balance is more important (after paying the bills).

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 22:15

Staceysmum2025 · 03/04/2025 20:35

More women should do it, i wish i had. Yhe kids resented the poverty i had apparently caused them by his affairs. If i could do it again I would have left the day I found out and sent him 15% of my income to live off

That sounds incredibly tough. I hope the kids ultimately see the light and what you put up with.

OP posts:
wastingtimeonhere · 03/04/2025 22:23

Men do it and it's completely acceptable. Why is it so taboo for women who usually get the shitty end of the stick.
I had a bag packed in the boot for a few years. I never did it though. I never had the money to do it comfortably. PND/ depression and later peri was the biggest driver but also I never enjoyed parenthood. If I was a man it would have been socially acceptable to walk away.

Wallywobbles · 03/04/2025 22:23

You have agency in your own life. These are the choices you have made. Maybe contemplate making different ones. You’ll be pushed to find anyone more pro-career woman than me but to pretend that it doesn’t impact others (you’re DH & DCs) or that you have no choices is disingenuous. I’m in my 50s and starting my 3rd career. Until my kids were about 16 they got more of me than they did after.

Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 22:24

stanleypops66 · 03/04/2025 22:00

No I’ve never thought about it. But I’m not stressed by my job and I love being at home with my family. I have a professional job but I’ve made it work for me. I could earn more but I don’t need to and work life balance is more important (after paying the bills).

I don’t really think it’s the job that causes the stress (I love it), more the imbalance in the family relationship. I often wonder if the expectations on me would be the same if I were the man in the relationship with the same job.

@WingBingo do you think your position would be different if that were the case for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
CooCooCachoo · 03/04/2025 22:25

wastingtimeonhere · 03/04/2025 22:23

Men do it and it's completely acceptable. Why is it so taboo for women who usually get the shitty end of the stick.
I had a bag packed in the boot for a few years. I never did it though. I never had the money to do it comfortably. PND/ depression and later peri was the biggest driver but also I never enjoyed parenthood. If I was a man it would have been socially acceptable to walk away.

Nail on the head - this!

OP posts:
babyproblems · 03/04/2025 22:33

I took extended parental leave after DS was born, and whilst he was at nursery, I spent the year renovating a studio flat… I thought about moving into it SO MANY TIMES. You’re not alone op!!!

zeibesaffron · 03/04/2025 23:30

My SiL did it - she was having an affair (we found out later). After she left she sent my Brother child maintenance every month and saw her DD twice a month and DS about once every 6 weeks. They rarely see her now they are adults, the youngest still lives with my brother. When things have been awful with my DD I have thought about it often. My SiL to be honest has a lovely life, doing what she wants, when she wants.

Just to note I have changed some of the sexes and ages of my family members or it could be outing.