Anyone ever thought about leaving the husband and kids to it and heading off into the sunset?

[CooCooCachoo]

I have a pretty stressful job, I’m sure I don’t mange that stress very well and I suspect it really affects how I interact with my family, I do love it though and think I just thrive in that high pressured environment. I am often quite short tempered and do not (arguably cannot in current role) make the time for the family that I should. I outsource a considerable amount of family life to my husband and he also works full time but in a much less demanding role, i.e. he’s busy but his neck/job isn’t on the line if things don’t go according to plan and he works regular 9 to 5 type hours. I still end up doing a lot of our life admin, house upkeep, laundry, meal planning etc and feel like it’s just another part of an already pretty demanding job I could really do without.

Here’s the fantasy bit - I genuinely think that the house would be more harmonious without me in it! I sometime fantasise about packing up my bits and moving out to some little rented flat somewhere/anywhere in the world (I work remotely). I have even gone as far as to work out what I need to put in the joint account to pay the mortgage and bills/food each month (I cover that anyway) and what I would have left over to live on. I think I could live very comfortably in southern Europe so wouldn’t be too far away for holiday visits when I would actually take time off and be a ‘fun mum’ instead of the demanding harridan my peri-menopausal self seems to be turning into.

Genuinely interested to know if anyone has actually done this rather than just fantasise about it!

Yes, I’ll pack my bag and come now 🤣 but seriously no! It does all get a bit much sometimes?
Why don’t you take yourself off for a spa weekend or city break with a friend?

Does your DH get much free time? (Do you?). Maybe you just need a break.

100% this!

One of my closest friends told me recently that she wanted to run away, she didn't know where, or what she was going to do going to do when when she got there.

Definitely one of my stronger peri meno symptoms. Wanting to get the heck away from my life!

I too know what a one bed flat costs...

I wish more women would,

Men do it all the time without any judgment...

Good luck with it all op - it’s hard (maybe impossible) to ‘have it all’ which is why I say there is no right or wrong answer. It’s about understanding the choices, the compromises and the likely outcomes and consciously choosing our path. Don’t sleep walk into a life you didn’t choose or want.

I have had similar thoughts recently. Around Christmas I seriously tried to persuade DH that we should buy a little house in our town for both of us to “escape to” at different times from the family pressures.

A couple of things I did- talked to DH. He was moody at the time, snapping at the kids, and he took on board what I said. I had a night away in a local air bnb on my own. About a month ago I started HRT as I was having terrible headaches and it has helped a lot with my mood swings. Perimenopause can have a detrimental impact on mood and relationships and it shouldn’t be underestimated.

Upping and leaving is a drastic course of action but we’ve all had that fantasy at some point! Many women living with a partner/children have the “mum cave” fantasy.

It might be an idea to write yourself a plan of action, maybe take some time away alone to think it through properly. It’s difficult to think clearly when you’re bogged down with the mental load.

I don’t know the cost of a flat in my town but I know the cost of local hotels and their availability, just tonight I was dreaming of going off for the night. I think it’s often caused by the relentlessness of balancing work and kids/home.
Also if you are working longer hours, to bring in more money, your husband needs to do more than half of the house stuff or you need to outsource some of your half. And you shouldn’t have to nag him to do stuff he should be proactively managing the home. Being the project manager of the home is a job in itself so if that is your role you are probably doing more than your fair share.

Funnily enough I just had dinner with a woman I know whose mum left when she was young, not a teenager yet. She’s talked about how she can’t see her mum as her mother, because she left the children with the parent who couldn’t nurture them (just bullied them I think) and she just can’t get her head around it. I think it’s coloured a lot of her life unfortunately. She doesn’t talk to her mum much nowadays.

If you do all the life admin - why don’t you just stop ? When anyone asked say you were too busy at work to do/think about X.

Suggest your husband does it from on.
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Do you wfh?

Getting out of the house to a clean and tidy office, where you get peace to work and just work is great. The rest sort themselves out when you are not there, I find. If you need to work late or take time for yourself after work, go for it.

Sometimes just making a list of what's wrong and how to put it right or if you have to suck it up for now can help.
Would uou sit down after Sunday lunch or something with you dh and do this?

In a fun/ serious way that is not a lost of things he is crap at!

I think you probably need to hear you are wanted and loved. Your dh and teens think you know without being told. Do you tell them they are wanted and loved?

We stayed at a hotel recently which ( oh no!!! If only I had known...) Had no wifi. Playing board games with teens all afternoon was fun. We all rediscovered each other iyswim.

Ref tidying, pick 3 things which must be done and ignore the rest. If you can afford it, get help in the house.

Book something for you and dh to go do and enjoy. Take up a sport together. Book a family break -neilsons or something where there is no cooking, but the teens will be busy.

Redecorate and def chat to someone about how you are wondering how to get through this without turning into your mother.

We do still gave the same problems (and more) as our mums had. However, I think (I hope) saying sorry to your DC when you've spoken harshly or forgotten something important goes a long way.

I think it also really helps to be able to name the way we're feeling and talk a bit about it in a concise and age appropriate manner. I think that was unheard of until recently, parents could never admit any weakness.

During perimenopause, for sure. Yup.

I'd also add that as you are in peri - your hormones are also potentially affecting how you are - and certainly how you react to stress and daily going ons.
Most of us become less able to just "deal" with stuff. And our more exaggerated emotional reactions can be hard on our kids - irrespective of whether not they are doing their fair share.

So - more outsourcing of help, and possibly some help with stabilising hormones can help you feel a bit different about your life.

But, more generally - many women feel like running off in peri. I think our programming of care and putting our needs behind everyone else's sort of run out in that time.
I must also say - women who go ahead and explode their lives in peri/Menopause - don't necessarily end up happy, when life fast forwards a few years and hormonal storm subsides....

It’s becoming more than a fantasy for me, it’s something I’m potentially planning for once dd is 18 and finished college.

I’ve done my best to parent dd with a dp who on the surface is great - (look! he did half the nursery/school drop offs! He sometimes cooks and does a load of laundry! He ‘babysits’ sometimes if I go out in the evening! What a hero).

But in reality he has been quiet quitting from parenting for years. He smilingly doles out pizzas, tenners etc - whatever’s easiest - but leaves setting boundaries and actual parenting etc to me.
It’s like living with an indulgent babysitter who helps out,

Every thing to do with the school, school work, uniform, every form to sign, every payment to make etc falls to me. Every single thing. Dp chooses not to have the app or read the emails.
Every single birthday party falls to me to organise. Every holiday I have had to sort. All childcare, school holidays clubs etc - sorted by me.
We have food in the fridge and loo roll in the bathroom due to me.

We both work, earn a similar amount and all costs have always been shared equally. There is no SAHP in this relationship.

I realise I’m to blame for above. I didn’t want an argument. I wanted to keep things calm and not have a bad atmosphere for dd.

The result is dd emulates her fathers behaviours - procrastinates, is materialistic, self absorbed, and doesn’t really care about anything except her own needs. The final straw is she is losing interest in school work too - because she can see there are no consequences. I take her phone - dp gives it back. I say no pocket money - dh hands her a tenner.

I realise I’m partly to blame for this too. But it’s been an uphill battle seeing every attempt at responsible parenting overruled.

I give up. I’ll do my best for the next four years then I’m done. I’ll always love dd and ultimately be there for her but I can’t continue living like this after she is older. I can’t live in misery forever and I’ve accepted that I’m struggling to influence dd now. I admit defeat.

The last few months I have seriously had fantasies about this. Eldest dc is grown and doing really well, youngest dc is early teen and great but I couldn’t leave them really. It’s middle dc, late teen, who has absolutely put us all through it the last two years. Many professionals involved, safety plans, etc. Im so mentally exhausted. I’m a SAHM/ housewife so the logistics have mostly fallen on my shoulders and I’m at the point where I feel numb. We go to family therapy and middle dc told us about a new crisis two weeks ago and I just can’t say anything. I just feel done. I don’t have any empathy left in me.

My marriage is stable. Dh actually pulls his own weight and in fact has done more than me certainly the last six months because all my attention has been on middle dc. But we are like friends. Little affection/ sex. I’m in perimenopause and unfortunately think about sex all the time.

My parent has just been diagnosed with cancer. I keep thinking there can’t be anything else. Then there is. I fantasise about leaving Dh to deal with it all, but it’s younger dc that keeps me in the family.

I remember my father saying he wanted to do that when I was a child. I certainly felt like doing it when my kids were late teens. I had just had enough of it all.
My mother stopped doing our washing or cooking meals in our teens. She more or less stopped doing anything for us.

I'm well into post-menopause now (and loving it!) but as PPs have said, perimenopause does contribute to feeling less nurturing - there is a decrease in oestrogen levels which brings this about. I never wanted to permanently run away from my family - when parents abandon their own children, it is generally a shitty thing to do and sets the children up for all kinds of problems in life because they feel unloved and unworthy. But it's definitely important to take more time for yourself if you can - weekends or even just one night away here and there can work wonders, or even just having more time to devote to a particular interest or hobby.

I did this . Went off on a summer gap trip by myself for six weeks. Didn't want to come back but felt guilty . Wish I had stayed away as DH was cheating on me . Which was why I wanted out as he was boring and distant. DCs were late teens . One was settled and the other was being very difficult. So off I fucked . At least I had a great time and throughly enjoyed myself.