Anyone ever thought about leaving the husband and kids to it and heading off into the sunset?

[CooCooCachoo]

I have a pretty stressful job, I’m sure I don’t mange that stress very well and I suspect it really affects how I interact with my family, I do love it though and think I just thrive in that high pressured environment. I am often quite short tempered and do not (arguably cannot in current role) make the time for the family that I should. I outsource a considerable amount of family life to my husband and he also works full time but in a much less demanding role, i.e. he’s busy but his neck/job isn’t on the line if things don’t go according to plan and he works regular 9 to 5 type hours. I still end up doing a lot of our life admin, house upkeep, laundry, meal planning etc and feel like it’s just another part of an already pretty demanding job I could really do without.

Here’s the fantasy bit - I genuinely think that the house would be more harmonious without me in it! I sometime fantasise about packing up my bits and moving out to some little rented flat somewhere/anywhere in the world (I work remotely). I have even gone as far as to work out what I need to put in the joint account to pay the mortgage and bills/food each month (I cover that anyway) and what I would have left over to live on. I think I could live very comfortably in southern Europe so wouldn’t be too far away for holiday visits when I would actually take time off and be a ‘fun mum’ instead of the demanding harridan my peri-menopausal self seems to be turning into.

Genuinely interested to know if anyone has actually done this rather than just fantasise about it!

Please see a therapist.

Please don't abdomen your children.

It's normal to daydream about things but not all the time.

Yes my mother did it to be with a man hence the reason i was raised in a all male house hold dad and brothers.
So pleased she buggered off.
And a my aunty from did it her kids 13 14 16 at the time she had enough told my uncle she wants nothing in the divorce he can have it all just sign the papers.
she pissed of to turkey never came back its been 25 year.
Long story but i dont blame her.

@CooCooCachoo yes it probably is different

@AgathaMystery

mine too 😞

OP, you say there is an imbalance in your family relationship and that you wonder if the expectations on you would be the same if you were the man in the relationship with the same job…. Do you feel your DH needs to do more? Can you redistribute responsibilities? Do you both have the same amount of leisure time?

We do different things but I would say equal because I drive and enforce that - hence feel I’m constantly nagging at them all. When I’ve lost the will to nag I do just do it myself because I also like things tidy. Not OCD level tidy but not bombsite because I have to work in it. Only so many times in a day you can walk past the same pike of crap and not clean it up.

My aunt did it. My cousins all four of them suffered a lot of unhappiness as a result and a couple of them very much lost their way in life as a result.
There was no divorce and now they are back together in retirement. I think it was my aunts menopause that did it she just couldn't do it and opted out for years.
It caused a lot of sadness. It was great for her but not anyone else.

I used to fantasise about it all the time when my kids were teenagers- I think it was perimenopause driving it, because my life wasn’t any more stressful than when they were younger.
I read somewhere that it’s hormones and you basically run out of “nurturing” hormones so become more selfish 😂

A friend of mine did it. Bought a house in the country and left her three teenagers with their father in the city.

The difference is I am never really ‘off the clock’ and I need them to pick up more of the slack so I can focus on work. Genuinely asking myself is that reasonable?

I could change my job, find a more junior position, less stress and naturally less pay. I could also have therapy and/or investigate whether I’m depressed. But I’m also questioning whether my frustration at the current status quo is actually for me to fix. I have a career I love and have worked extremely hard to get to the top of and will not compromise on that. I don’t think a man would be expected to soul search, explore therapy and examine his choices.

In retrospect, maybe I just need to employ a housekeeper to support my work/life balance choices despite having a husband and two teenagers in the house because expecting them to do more than their share is probably unreasonable.

Before you run away, find a much smaller version of what you are craving and give yourself some space. A weekend away alone watching the sunset somewhere beautiful, for example. Consider what might help you to stay - eg more equality and shared responsibility in your marriage, a cleaner, not wfh, regular breaks, exercise that gets you out, 1-1 time with each of the DC doing fun activities, annual leave, parental leave, individual therapy, couples therapy...

Tell your DH there needs to be some changes, and put it all on the table.

There are so many ways to make life better. Throw the money you were going to use on a rental into trying to improve things where you are.

If you end up getting divorced and he keeps the house and has main custody while you live locally and see the kids regularly, that's one thing. But if you want a relationship with your DC when they grow up you can't just move abroad and make a bank transfer.

I think you should stick it out until your teens reach adulthood or formally separate from your husband and then share custody. I think if you just walk away they will definitely feel like you’ve abandoned them and surely your relationship with them will suffer which is something you will probably bitterly regret in the future.

I get it though, life is bloody hard at times especially if you have a demanding job.

Do you think OP that things are not as tidy and looked after in the home because for instance that’s your partner’s personality style (ie more laid back), or are you saying there is gender inequality? Ie, your partner is reluctant to do more of what he sees as “female” jobs/responsibilities?

This thread is interesting. I personally wouldn’t spend too long thinking about whether expectations (from others or of yourself) would be different if you were a man. Whataboutery is neither here nor there unless you are looking for justifications rather than solutions.

You say you are NC with your parents because of how your mother was at home and that you don’t want that to happen with your own kids. Do you feel like history is repeating itself?

You can be a good parent and have a stressful job but if the impact of the job is that you are barely there and when you are you are grumpy… that is obviously going to hard for everyone to bear.

If I were you I would be thinking as follows -

What can I do to be a better parent whilst retaining my current job?

follow on question -

can I be a ‘good enough’ parent (your definition of good enough) whilst retaining my current job?

If the answer is no to that last question;

am I prepared to quit my job? Or can I accept being a ‘not good enough’ parent and be prepared for the consequences of that (ie a damaged relationship with the kids).

there’s no right or wrong here but you need to be realistic about your choices and the consequences of them and then make your peace.

I’m worried op that you will distance yourself from your children and regret it. You haven’t given very strong reasons at all to be nc from your parents - perhaps you are better than others at cutting people off but surely it would hurt very much if your dc did that to you. It would be my worst nightmare and I have a busy fulltime job. I’d def suggest therapy and changing whatever it takes to rediscover your relationship with them.

I have a cleaner and a gardener, I do not have time to scrub the house and spend hours in the garden with my job.
I have divorced 2 darned lazy husbands because they expected me to pick up after them and earn the bacon - I don't think so.
My DS is in his 40's now and had to do his own laundry, keep the kitchen reasonably tidy and cook his own evening meal because I worked long hours.
It did him a lot of good. He can look after himself.

"I don’t think a man would be expected to soul search, explore therapy and examine his choices."

Disney dads is a term of disparagement, not acceptance. If exploring your feelings is not of interest then I think @ArseofOrion 's clear sighted advice is your Occam's Razor. But I am concerned you have some burn out/depression stuff going on and this idea of leaving is closer to a mid life crisis than to a rational, well adjusted decision.

OP, I would recommend you read Nick Hornby's "How to be Good".

You need a wife OP 😄

I think you are onto something there! 🤔

Thank you for this. It was ultimately my fear of being a crappy parent that prompted the thread in the first place. Looking at myself through the lense of your suggested questions is ultimately quite revealing.

I do think about my Mum a lot, particularly how difficult she was to be around growing up and how much I resent her for how miserable she made us all. I don’t want to inflict that sort of damage on my own family. I often think I might have actually maintained a better relationship with her if she’d left.

Thank you all for your advice, thoughts and comments. I did start this thread sort of light heartedly but the reactions have certainly made me examine whether my current frame of mind is as healthy as I assumed.

I wouldn’t have entertained any suggestion of seeking help or therapy before but I do recognise that it’s something I should consider as being helpful.

No they don’t. They think the sunshines out of his arse.

Yes op I have done the numbers for running away and getting divorced. I often feel like I’m not a very good wife and mum and majority of my self worth is tied to my job. I won’t give it up but it’s harder and harder to balance the job, parenting and house/life admin. Help for me has come in the form of outsourcing so I can actually be a present parent when I am around in evenings and on weekends. I have added a monthly deep clean to my weekly cleaning hours so I don’t do any cleaning, a gardener, ironing and laundry sent out sometimes.
I still struggle when there is a busy period at work and the hours lengthen but I haven’t thought about having my own house for a while.

But can we get the men to step up too? And teach our sons better?