Boyfriend seems to not want to spend time with my teenager son

[StrongWomen2025]

I meet a guy February last year and he is great, he doesn’t have kids and never wanted them. The thing is since we moved in together it seems he don’t want to spend much time with my teenage son (15) his been off work this past 9 weeks (he had a heart attack end of January) it seem when my son comes down stairs after 20/30 mins my boyfriend goes upstairs for a lay down. Don’t get me wrong his been great with him, my son talks to him about stuff they both like and his been on holiday with us and paid half of all the trips and food, his even paid half of our next holiday to turkey and we will go half with foods and trips on this holiday, last year we took my son to Belfast to the titanic and Alton towers and the beach a couple of times. But this year since he moved in (December) his really not wanted to spend time as a family. I am looking into to this t much? Im I being silly? Should I expect this guy to won’t to be a family with me and 15 year old? It don’t bother me about doing stuff as a family with the old 2 children 21 and 23 year old, and my son will not want to do anything with me soon left alone with a guy his only known for 14 months.

I know it’s only a couple of more year until my son isn’t going to want to do anything with us but while he still don’t mind I want to be able to still do stuff with him.
appease Jo comment about living in after only 10 months together, he lived and hour and half away and it made sense when he was staying 5 nights out 7 nights.

I feel sorry for your son. He had no choice in any of this. He must feel uncomfortable in his own home now with a stranger who isn’t interested in him.

Good grief @StrongWomen2025 , can’t believe the amount of judgemental shit and put downs in this thread!

I hope this reaction has not scared you out of Mumsnet. Please be reassured that you are full of options at this time in order to make things easier for you and your son, whatever decisions you took in the past are irrelevant, no point of crying over spilled milk, now that there are new circumstances into play, you can act according to what you and your son need nowadays.

Take care, and look at my previous post. There is some food for thought there. Don’t let the bitching put you down, stay strong and do your best, as we all try to do.

Normally I wouldn’t comment on the timeframe here (my husband and I got engaged after 3 months and married 6 months later - we’ve been married 10 years) however: we were both childless.

I have also been on the receiving end of a dosser who moved in by stealth - which is what you’ve ended up with whether you want to believe it or not. Mine was “self employed” and it all started so great, he was financially contributing, he was loving… until he wasn’t. Until he was financially, emotionally and physically abusing me. Again, I was childless at this time - you are not.

You have allowed a man to infiltrate your home life by degrees. A currently non working man. A man who now seemingly has no need to go back to work as he’s got a house and a maid. And you’ve done it all with a 15 year old dependent in tow.

Wake up, move him out, and pull your focus back to your son.

He told you he doesn't want to be a father. I'm not sure why you thought he would be playing dad? It sounds like they get on fine, but they don't need to have a father son relationship. My partner has 2 sons with his ex, they are nice lads but i dont try to be their mum (they already have a good one!). The youngest comes over every 2 weeks and i will try to give them as much space as possible to spend time together especiallyas he is getting older. There is nothing stopping you and your son spending time together while he still wants too, your partner doesn't have to come along all the time. You are not wrong for wanting to have a partner and some of these comments about him moving in with you after a year are quite harsh, but you cannot force a relationship dynamic on either of them.

Your boyfriend needs to leave.

Your poor son. You’ve known a man 14 months and he’s moved in to your and your son’s house already. Awful for your son.

I don’t understand people who do this. Just not on, and your son now has someone in his house that you both hardly know. Why can’t you wait, it’ll be a few years and your son will be away doing his own thing anyway. So selfish and just thinking about yourself and not your son, who as others have pointed out will be doing exams soon.

I know several people who had a partner of a parent move in quickly to the family home and they all hated it.

How about you think about your son before yourself and especially knowing this man isn’t interested in children, you still moved him
in far too soon. Hey what could possibly go wrong.

You're not a family, you've moved a random man in after just over a year.

There's a difference between "makes sense" and "was more convenient".

You've moved in a loser far too quickly. Get rid of this cocklodger.

What? I think it sounds fine. The DC is 15 years old, realistically he doesn’t want to hang around with mum and mums boyfriend all the time. The man has been on holidays and day trips with them, and him and DC chat happily to each other. What’s wrong with that? My DC is a teen and I don’t particularly sit in the same room as him every evening, nor would he want me to.

Where has OP suggested he is a cock lodger? He’s not working temporarily because he had a heart attack! Probably why he has a lie down now and again!

Your BF was nice to your son till he moved in, your son is being made to feel he is not welcome in his own home. He might not notice it atm but he will soon feel unwanted. Your BF is used to his own space without any kids, so he needs to move out of yours because your home is for you and your son. I don’t care how much you ‘love’ BF, you can’t have him living with you making your son feel unwanted every time he leaves his bedroom. You and your BF are incompatible living together, he needs a home without any children and you live with your son. You need to sit down and tell him, you can still have a relationship but you are going to have to rein back on him staying over fives times out of seven. Instead of putting your needs first, you need to put your child needs first.

My DP moved in with us after 4 years. He’s also not overly interested in blending with my 15 year old and that’s totally fine with me. They get on fine, don’t have a lot in common and have a mutual respect for each other but there’s no family relationship. Most importantly I wouldn’t expect there to be

my priority is making sure my 15 year old is happy, and I have no concerns he isn’t. But it’s super important I spend time with him and his older siblings on their own. That means that unless they invite DP we holiday on our own, we go for meals on our own, we go for coffees on our own, we watch tv sometimes just all together.

we do plenty with DP too and my older kids are very close to him but the most important part of him living with us is not pretending we are a big happy family - we are perfectly happy, but that the children still feel they’re as important and special as they always have been

This but I agree that you moved him in too soon. Your son might not like him very much, but as he's old enough to start understanding adult needs, he might be keeping quiet about it.

Your son is likely something your partner only tolerates to have a relationship with you, especially given that he never wanted children.

No one wants to spend time with 15 year old boys. They are the ultimate definition of toxic waste. They get better in time though. Ensure your son is happy and do what you need to do to make him happy. You cannot force intimacy .

You moved the guy - who said he didn’t want children- in to your house with a child, (just 9-10 months after meeting him even though you don’t want comments about this it’s absolutely insane)
And your marker of him being a great guy is that he pays for half the bills?
I mean what do you expect. Now your child is living in a house with someone who it’s clear doesn’t really want to be around them.

What is this mumsnet obsession with parents having no life or identity outside of their children.

What is this bollox that OP moved in with the guy too soon? They’ve known each other for more than a year and a half! How long should they wait? 10 years? 🙄
He is not the boy’s biological dad so can’t be expected to magically build up a fantastic stepdad-stepson relationship just like that. The son didn’t grow up with him. Not everybody will be interested in a 15 year-old random teenager btw.As long as they are friendly and civil with each other, I see no problem.

As the mum to a 20 year old who had just gone out the other side (but is still at times like a 6ft toddler) i wholeheartedly agree.

Most of us don’t want spend time with our own teenagers let alone anyone else’s

Has anybody noticed that this is an old thread? Not exactly a zombie yet but quite…