Page 2 | Boyfriend seems to not want to spend time with my teenager son

TwistedWonder · 03/04/2025 08:19

So even before this bloke moved in, you prioritised him 5 nights out of 7 ? And you mention holidays - so he was shoehorned into your sons life too soon whether he like it or not

Them within weeks of moving in, he is seriously ill and your poor sons home life has been completely turned upside down.

What a mess you’ve created with poor decisions and the one who is negatively impacted is your poor son as he comes up to his GCSE’s

So sick of these threads where women think with their vaginas rather their brains and inflict these random blokes on their kids just to have a man in their bed.

TwistedWonder · 03/04/2025 08:23

Ignore the ‘your son should be your priority until he’s 18’ bollocks as if everyone can put their own life on hold indefinitely until they fly the nest

No don’t ignore this excellent advice to put your kids first. It’s not ‘bollocks’ to prioritise kids on their safe space

No one needs to ‘put their life on hold’ but it’s about working around kids lives and making sure they come first. No one saying don’t date but there’s far too many scenarios where kids lives have been thrown into turmoil because random blokes have been shoehorned into their lives

GrandmasCat · 03/04/2025 08:28

Op, I would let him go. I disagree that you need to wait until the kids are 18 to move on with your life, I agree that expecting him to keep interested in teen chit chat for more than half an hour might be unreasonable but… the bottom line is that he moved in too soon, he is now not working and you have a son:

Can you support the three of you now that you are the only one bringing an income? Does he still has his previous job to go back to or is he living on benefits now? Are you and your child making do with less in terms of time and money to be able to sponsor this adult now living with you? How is he making your load as a parent or worker lighter? Is he becoming a expensive burden to carry?

Honestly OP, if you have been together for years, I would say “life happens, stay put”. But you don’t have enough history together to make this work, he moved in far too soon (4 months into the relationship?) you and your child will become resentful with time and will find it even more difficult to get him out of your house. So better sooner than later to put your son and yourself first, letting him go on the basis that he is not integrating with family life seems the best solution.

As a single parent you need someone to help you pull the cart, not someone to sit on it while you pull it, iIYWIM.

SophieAnt · 03/04/2025 08:29

You’re not a family. He doesn’t want kids and doesn’t see your son as anything to do with him. That’s not a criticism in particular- he’s been honest with you about it- but it’s hard to see how two intelligent adults have created this situation. It was always going to go this way.

I feel very sorry for your son. I’d probably suggest your partner that things aren’t working out and that it might be better to live apart until your son reaches 18.

Oblomov25 · 03/04/2025 08:31

Good God, I agree with @TwistedWonder, what a mess you've created. Your poor son. What on earth did you expect? You sound emotionally immature, that this all hadn't occurred to you before.

GoldDuster · 03/04/2025 08:35

You let a man you hardly knew move into your house, and it turns out he doesn't like your son. You aren't the only person to have noticed that he stands up and walks out when your son comes in the room, why are you prioritising this man over your child?

it made sense when he was staying 5 nights out 7 nights

Made sense to the man who couldn't arsed with all that driving, but not to anyone else unfortunately. This was a mistake, admit it to your son and move him out.

my son will not want to do anything with me soon

If you carry on like this I predict you'll be right.

MinnieCoops · 03/04/2025 08:36

I mean, there’s quite a lot wrong here isn’t there? 10 months

Lentilweaver · 03/04/2025 08:41

I would also not want to spend more than 20 minutes with a strange teen. I am not interested in other people's children. Most people arent.

This is why I will never be a stepmum.

haastrope · 03/04/2025 08:45

@StrongWomen2025

last year we took my son to Belfast to the titanic and Alton towers and the beach a couple of times. But this year since he moved in (December) his really not wanted to spend time as a family.

The thing is he was spending time with you both as an outsider, so if you calculate the amount of time he spent when you weren't living together vs what he spends with him now, you'll see that he spends probably the same or more. He's allowed to have his own time on his own. You still travel together and do things with him but he doesn't have to spend every waking moment with your son. How does he treat your son? That's what matters.

Don’t get me wrong his been great with him, my son talks to him about stuff they both like and his been on holiday with us

There you go. If your son is happy with him, then they're spending adequate time with each other. Maybe your son doesn't want to spend every minute with him either, they have their own lives.

(he had a heart attack end of January) it seem when my son comes down stairs after 20/30 mins my boyfriend goes upstairs for a lay down.

Maybe he needs it seeing as he had a health problem. Maybe spending more than that drains him but it's not anything to do with your son. 20 to 30 mins is sufficient for someone who lives in the home. Not every family spends time together often.

I know it’s only a couple of more year until my son isn’t going to want to do anything with us but while he still don’t mind I want to be able to still do stuff with him.

You should concentrate on spending that time with your son much more seeing as part of his space has been taken up. It's your duty to make sure your son feels like he's not been pushed away. Spend more time with your son and let them both find their own dynamic. As you say, he's great with him so what more do you expect?

Should I expect this guy to won’t to be a family with me and 15 year old?

He seems like he already is. Families don't spend every waking moment with each other. They already seem to have a good enough friendship and it will continue to develop. You can do something to bring everyone together like card or board games at home, etc not just going on holidays.

NameChangedOfc · 03/04/2025 09:37

I agree that it's way too soon to live together with a man who you've known for little more than a year. Especially when you have a young son.

amyds2104 · 03/04/2025 16:12

You will be one of the posters in a few years who can't understand why their adult son doesn't want them to play a role in their grandkids lives....

You've basically made your son feel unwelcome in his own home at such an important age. Poor kid.

Your partner has basically hood winked you and played the doting role of stepfather to get into your home and now doesn't have to play that façade anymore. That's why his behaviour has suddenly changed.

When you broach this with your partner he will likely play the victim or say he has just had a heart attack and can't leave or some other excuse. At the end of the day this grown man who is an adult can sort himself out and you need to put your son first! Jeez.

Pherian · 03/04/2025 16:31

StrongWomen2025 · 02/04/2025 23:36

I meet a guy February last year and he is great, he doesn’t have kids and never wanted them. The thing is since we moved in together it seems he don’t want to spend much time with my teenage son (15) his been off work this past 9 weeks (he had a heart attack end of January) it seem when my son comes down stairs after 20/30 mins my boyfriend goes upstairs for a lay down. Don’t get me wrong his been great with him, my son talks to him about stuff they both like and his been on holiday with us and paid half of all the trips and food, his even paid half of our next holiday to turkey and we will go half with foods and trips on this holiday, last year we took my son to Belfast to the titanic and Alton towers and the beach a couple of times. But this year since he moved in (December) his really not wanted to spend time as a family. I am looking into to this t much? Im I being silly? Should I expect this guy to won’t to be a family with me and 15 year old? It don’t bother me about doing stuff as a family with the old 2 children 21 and 23 year old, and my son will not want to do anything with me soon left alone with a guy his only known for 14 months.

I know it’s only a couple of more year until my son isn’t going to want to do anything with us but while he still don’t mind I want to be able to still do stuff with him.
appease Jo comment about living in after only 10 months together, he lived and hour and half away and it made sense when he was staying 5 nights out 7 nights.

I’m a step mother of two boys a similar age. I never wanted kids - but I chose a man with children and I love them dearly.

You need to speak to him and ask him if everything’s ok and you notice when your son is around he isn’t interacting him like he used to. Ask him if they had a fall out or if your sons done something. Don’t make it threatening, let him speak.

If he says anything along the lines of the “I don’t want anything to do with your kid”

Then he simply needs to return to being a boyfriend who doesn’t live with you and you only see when your son is busy doing something else. Or better yet, he returns to being someone who isn’t in your life like before you met him.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/04/2025 16:48

He told you he had no interest in being a parent and yet you moved him into your home with your child and expected him to act like a family?

I think you either stayed living apart or you found someone who was interested in being part of a family.

mummybear35 · 03/04/2025 16:52

If you say your son is going to be off soon, why move the boyfriend in? I don’t care how far away he lives, my son would be my priority esp as my home time with him is coming to an end. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear honest truths! He already said he doesn’t want kids and never has done but now you’re wondering why he doesn’t want to spend time with your son??? And yes, it IS very soon to have someone move in, it’s your son’s home too, could it not have waited till you no longer had kids in the house??

ItGhoul · 03/04/2025 17:08

he doesn’t have kids and never wanted them

he don’t want to spend much time with my teenage son (15)

Can you not see that the second sentence there is a very obvious, logical and predictable consequence of the first?

He has never wanted children and hasn't ever wanted that kind of family life. I don't think it's surprising in the least that he doesn't want to hang out with your child all the time when he doesn't even want children of his own.

I'm sure he likes your son perfectly well - they talk and get along all right, by the sound of it - but that doesn't mean he necessarily wants to spend every evening sitting in his company. Maybe he feels he can't be fully himself with your teenager around, or feels he has to make conversation, and that just gets a bit draining for him.

From your boyfriend's point of view, your son is essentially an equivalent to a flatmate or lodger who happens to live with you: a third person who lives in the house in addition to the person your boyfriend actually wanted to move in with, someone your BF is prepared to live with and can be friendly with, but not someone he wants to be with all the time. He's your boyfriend, rather than a stepdad.

Assuming your son is happy with this set-up, I'm not sure that I'd see this as a problem. I doubt your son, at 15, desperately wants to do family stuff as a unit very often anyway, and he's not far off being an adult and potentially going off to uni/getting a job/meeting a girlfriend. If your son feels pushed out or uncomfortable, or your boyfriend is jealous of the attention he gets, then that would be a problem.

TheGentleOpalMember · 04/04/2025 10:14

You've RUSHED this relationship at lightning speed. Social Services recommends dating for a minimum of one year before you even introduce your partner to your children, let alone move in. You've moved him in well ahead at only 9 months, not just introduced him. Generally moving in is from 2 years onwards, so you've rushed it and haven't gone about it properly. Why did you need to move him in so, so soon? The boyfriend clearly didn't realise your son would be there 24/7, and feels overwhelmed. He wants to spend time with you alone, and this has been a whirlwind relationship that has moved way, way too fast.

You've been irresponsible and have not considered the needs of all parties. Have him move out and spend quality time alone without living together, because you're gone way too fast and it's not working out.

ginasevern · 04/04/2025 10:19

Hard to imagine that a man who never wanted children would find living with somone else's teenager not exactly to his tastes.

TwistedWonder · 04/04/2025 10:24

Anyone else think the OP won’t be back as the comments aren’t what she wanted to hear?

Stagshear · 04/04/2025 11:00

He isn’t interested in having kids, and you are surprised that he isn’t interested in one that isn’t even his?

Still you’ve given him a home so I can see what he gets out of it

pimplebum · 04/04/2025 11:05

When you discussed moving in did you discuss expectations regarding forming a family unit ?
what kind if relationship does your son want / expect from him and vice versa ?

Pigeonqueen · 04/04/2025 11:12

You’ve completely rushed this. You can’t explain moving him in by saying well he was staying 5 nights a week - 😳 - he shouldn’t have been staying 5 nights a week!

HoppingPavlova · 04/04/2025 11:19

You’ve completely rushed this. You can’t explain moving him in by saying well he was staying 5 nights a week - 😳 - he shouldn’t have been staying 5 nights a week!

Nailed it.

scoobs321 · 04/04/2025 11:19

Sounds to me like he ingratiated himself to you and your son with a view to moving in.. and now he can't be arsed as he's got his accommodation sorted.

TwistedWonder · 04/04/2025 11:28

Pigeonqueen · 04/04/2025 11:12

You’ve completely rushed this. You can’t explain moving him in by saying well he was staying 5 nights a week - 😳 - he shouldn’t have been staying 5 nights a week!

💯 he’s moved in by stealth anyway

If the OP comes back maybe she can tell us whose idea it was for him to stay over so often and then move in and what’s his financial contribution to the household?

FreeRider · 04/04/2025 12:19

I don't have children, like your boyfriend I never wanted them. I'd rather push red-hot pokers in both eyes than spend more than a minute than a teenager!

However I would never have gotten involved with, let alone moved in with, someone who had children still living at home. All you can do now is ask your boyfriend to move out.