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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I not like the good guys …

58 replies

Peachykeenjellybeanxx · 02/04/2025 09:06

Ladies …

what is wrong with me. Why don’t I like nice and good guys?

I’ve been dating around a year now. I’ve seen two lovely lovely men who I couldn’t fault and who probably would have given me the world but I had no sexual attraction to them.

on the other side I’ve spoken to a few men who are your typical players and probably not very suited to my single mum lifestyle, but they’re devastatingly attractive and funny. And sadly, I can be laughed into bed.

im early 30s and was with my ex-H for just shy of 8 years. I don’t want to rush into anything but also aware that if I keep messing around with these men, then all the nice and good ones will be gone and I’ll definitely never settle down.

what is wrong with me tho… how do I fix this problem!!! lol

OP posts:
Menopants · 02/04/2025 09:07

Therapy

Lillibridge · 02/04/2025 09:15

Maybe you need to speak to someone. Good guys can be funny and sexy, I'm sure. If you keep going for the players/bad boys out there, you'll be fucked about by arseholes for the rest of your life.

rubyslippers · 02/04/2025 09:16

Menopants · 02/04/2025 09:07

Therapy

First answer nails it

WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 02/04/2025 09:17

Some people just can’t resist the drama.

ProustianMadeleine · 02/04/2025 09:17

Bad boys often embody a sense of risk and spontaneity don't they so they give thrilling and exciting vibes.
I'm not saying your life is boring, but as a single mum who was with an ex for 8 years, chances are you'd fallen into a monotony that you subconsciously want to get away from. Prove to yourself you're still exciting and fun. You know?
Maybe you need some support from a therapist to figure it out and learn to value yourself more than those kind of men.

Worldgonecrazy · 02/04/2025 09:19

Because you are chasing the ego boost of changing a bad guy into a good guy …..……

… or maybe if you just love him enough or treat him better than his last girlfriend he will change for you …..

…. or maybe he will love you enough to change.

Except this never happens and though they may temporarily change, long term the behaviour will resume.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 02/04/2025 09:21

I’ve seen two lovely lovely men who I couldn’t fault and who probably would have given me the world but I had no sexual attraction to them.

Also best not to exaggerate your place in these good mens lives. That's a bit of an overstatement if I ever read it. You might find they might not be so keen to hand you the moon on a stick and have standards.

Sadcafe · 02/04/2025 09:30

I often thought about this as a young man late school age and a little beyond,all the girls seemed to want to go out with the lads who were probably not the sort the parents would like, drinkers sometimes drugs( pretty soft ones in those days) definitely not achievers education wise and not bothered about being overly nice to the girls but the girls really loved them, us boring types never got a look in, it seemed to be about the adventure, possibly the belief they could change them for the better, I don’t know the answer, but safe to say us more boring males can still be fun and adventurous given the chance , if OP is aware of the possible consequences of dating “ bad uns” and wants the fun side, why not , just don’t write off the rest of us

YourBestFriend · 02/04/2025 09:34

You are sick and need therapy.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 02/04/2025 09:35

It depends what you want. A relationship or a shag. If the latter keep going.

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 09:45

I can totally relate to the being laughed into bed. And the dopamine hit of fun and unpredictability.
I’ve had both types - and when I look back I went from the bad to the good alternately😂The most stable relationship I had in my late teens for 4 years, but dumped him for a bad boy rollercoaster at university who messed up my head for years. Then some good and bad, and met exh who seemed to combine the two but he was married when we met so the relationship wasn’t healthy from the outset but he was a stable and sensible type and people all assumed we had a good marriage -was probably no worse than many.
When I left him I met the most exciting person have ever known — just sheer fun. We had massively more fun in 2years than I had in 32 with exh and laughed snd laughed -it totally re-set my life for the better.
But he was flaky and pathologically unreliable with numerous unresolved issues - he was quite open about the fact that he was hugely insecure and jealous and always was expecting me to dump him.
Now I have met someone the total opposite -could not be more reliable and respected/trusted by mutual friends. I do fancy him, but wonder if we do develop a relationship (only just started dating) that I might crave the recklessness of my recent exbf. (Also slight concern that when the exbf finds out will try to come-a-wooing and I would need to be very firm about resisting that bad boy dopamine hit).

LoyalMember · 02/04/2025 09:49

Lillibridge · 02/04/2025 09:15

Maybe you need to speak to someone. Good guys can be funny and sexy, I'm sure. If you keep going for the players/bad boys out there, you'll be fucked about by arseholes for the rest of your life.

I couldn't agree more. I'm a guy with a few bad boy mates, and the OP's like a sheep to a wolf in these guys' eyes. She'll be picked up. f#cked and dumped for the rest of her life unless she changes track.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 02/04/2025 09:52

It’s usually low self-esteem - you accept the treatment you subconsciously think you deserve.

Elektra1 · 02/04/2025 09:55

Menopants · 02/04/2025 09:07

Therapy

^^ This. If you can’t afford therapy, I’d recommend delving into the YouTube channels/Insta accounts/podcasts of Matthew Hussey and Jillian Turecki, both of whom are very good on this topic.

GlitteryShaker · 02/04/2025 09:56

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 02/04/2025 09:52

It’s usually low self-esteem - you accept the treatment you subconsciously think you deserve.

This is so true .

Sodthesystem · 02/04/2025 09:58

I actually don't think it's that deep or means you have issues.

You simply didn't fancy the 'lovely' men enough.

Lovely is boring on its own. And it doesn't mean they are lovely on the eyes either.

People can be good AND funny. Chemistry can be there with kind people. It just wasn't with the ones you met.

Keep looking.

And in the meantime time, don't fall back to choosing assholes just because they are good at generating chemistry.

There's nothing wrong with you.
People just like to tell women to settle. And that if they don't settle for good but dull/unnatractive they are the problem. Nope.

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 10:02

Elektra1 · 02/04/2025 09:55

^^ This. If you can’t afford therapy, I’d recommend delving into the YouTube channels/Insta accounts/podcasts of Matthew Hussey and Jillian Turecki, both of whom are very good on this topic.

Show quote history

Yes!!!! To Matthew Hussey!!! His podcasts should be compulsory for all before embarking on dating 😀😀

Sodthesystem · 02/04/2025 10:04

LoyalMember · 02/04/2025 09:49

I couldn't agree more. I'm a guy with a few bad boy mates, and the OP's like a sheep to a wolf in these guys' eyes. She'll be picked up. f#cked and dumped for the rest of her life unless she changes track.

Show quote history

Just a note here mate: it might be worth watching Daniel Sloss. His new material calls out people for keeping these sort as friends. Because he had one and ignored their bs...and then then the guy raped his girl mate.

If you ever have a mate that you'd describe as 'a dickhead but OUR dickhead'' then you need to reassess your boundaries. Don't be friends with men who treat women badly or do other cruel or fucked up things.

LoyalMember · 02/04/2025 10:13

Sodthesystem · 02/04/2025 10:04

Just a note here mate: it might be worth watching Daniel Sloss. His new material calls out people for keeping these sort as friends. Because he had one and ignored their bs...and then then the guy raped his girl mate.

If you ever have a mate that you'd describe as 'a dickhead but OUR dickhead'' then you need to reassess your boundaries. Don't be friends with men who treat women badly or do other cruel or fucked up things.

Edited
Show quote history

I'm fine, mate, and I don't need you to tell me how to manage my different friends. I don't need to reassess anything. It's not me who's the player or dickhead, and none of my friends who are would do such a thing to any women.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 02/04/2025 10:13

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 10:02

Yes!!!! To Matthew Hussey!!! His podcasts should be compulsory for all before embarking on dating 😀😀

Show quote history

I wouldn't give that idiot the time of day.
His advice is to convoluted.

The things he tells you to say, depend on getting a particular response from a man.And not all men will respond the same way. Some of his advice only works if a man responds to a text exactly how matthew predicts. Which none of them do.

On his youtube channel, he advocates games and doing particular things to provoke a response in a man. Which is deceptive and won't work.

Instead of following that idiot's methods if you want to know what's going on with a man Why not ask him. In the end
action speaks louder, because if they say one thing and do another, you know they're lying, why do you need a podcast to tell you that.

Why not state to men what you think might be going on, and tell him how you'd prefer it to be and what you want.

Women communicating poorly and Matthew says to 'try to suss things out' by doing x, and hint to him that you don't like it by doing y.

People don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation. Not only will the man not know they are tests at al let alone how to pass them.

People. Need. To. Communicate rather than follow some idiot of the internet game playing strategies.

Sodthesystem · 02/04/2025 10:15

Just dropping this in here as I found the clip, sorry to derail.

N

I think it's relevant to women too. When it comes to friend groups we all need to be tough on ourselves about who we keep around.

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 10:16

ThisUniqueDreamer · 02/04/2025 10:13

I wouldn't give that idiot the time of day.
His advice is to convoluted.

The things he tells you to say, depend on getting a particular response from a man.And not all men will respond the same way. Some of his advice only works if a man responds to a text exactly how matthew predicts. Which none of them do.

On his youtube channel, he advocates games and doing particular things to provoke a response in a man. Which is deceptive and won't work.

Instead of following that idiot's methods if you want to know what's going on with a man Why not ask him. In the end
action speaks louder, because if they say one thing and do another, you know they're lying, why do you need a podcast to tell you that.

Why not state to men what you think might be going on, and tell him how you'd prefer it to be and what you want.

Women communicating poorly and Matthew says to 'try to suss things out' by doing x, and hint to him that you don't like it by doing y.

People don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation. Not only will the man not know they are tests at al let alone how to pass them.

People. Need. To. Communicate rather than follow some idiot of the internet game playing strategies.

Show quote history

Completely disagree - he advocates NOT playing games

gannett · 02/04/2025 10:16

There's nothing wrong with messing around with men who are not husband material. Can be a lot of fun - as long as you don't fool yourself into thinking it's anything more. It works if you have a player mindset yourself and just want sex from them.

It doesn't work if you delude yourself into thinking they're long-term bets, or think you can change them, or catch feelings for them. I suspect this might be true of you because you say they're messing you around. You need to be detached enough that they can't mess you around, because emotions don't come into it.

If you don't have the right mindset for this kind of casual sex then you need to show a bit more agency when it comes to your own sex life and resist sleeping with men you know are players.

Oh, and don't force it with "lovely" guys you're not attracted to. Settling probably leads to even more misery all round. It's not either a bad boy player twat or a boring man you feel no attraction to - it's about finding someone you want to have sex with AND who will treat you well (AND who is compatible with you). That's not a combination that comes along much so you'll have to be patient.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 02/04/2025 10:18

Widowerwouldyou · 02/04/2025 10:16

Completely disagree - he advocates NOT playing games

Show quote history

That's rubbish.

He's advocates silly games constantly.

Why do you need a man like that to tell you how to behave. State what you want and if a man isn't giving it move on. Its not hard.

User32459 · 02/04/2025 10:19

That's common. You're attracted to what you're attracted to.

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