After advice/female perspective on relationship

[Flyguy1]

Hi, I’m posting here as I don’t want to burden family and friends with my issue and I hope to get a female perspective on my situation. My relationship with my wife has never felt one of equals- my wife overrides my decisions, I’m by far the breadwinner but she does all the spending and so on. This goes through our relationship, from finances, what should be joint decisions to even our sex life. Everything is on her terms. I’ve long felt this is not a relationship of equals. Whenever I try to discuss any issues with my wife I’m often greeted with the knee jerk response “if I’m that bad why don’t you just leave me”. This fills me with doubt as to whether she loves me or is just with me for my wallet and the lifestyle I provide- a marriage of comfort and convenience. A good dad for our kids, a safe bet. Today we’ve had a disagreement. A very close family member (close blood relative of mine) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The investigations began 6 months ago, with formal diagnosis perhaps 4 1/2 months ago. They are undergoing treatment with the aim of extending life, not curing them of this horrendous disease. Throughout this whole time not once has my wife asked how I’m doing. It touched a nerve tonight when a work colleague took me aside and asked me how I’m doing- they could tell I wasn’t great. I long for this sort of warmth, care, comfort off my wife, but it is never present. I arrived home and instead of comforting I was told I seemed restless. Other times I’ve been told I seem in a mood with her, when in reality I’m breaking down inside with everything that’s happening. My wife seems to have zero interest in my emotional wellbeing. In the 6 months she has not once asked me how I’m doing/coping etc. can anyone rationalise this for me? I basically feel unloved, a cash cow, a convenience. Am I wrong to feel this way? If I have to ask for something, I don’t want it. I want my wife to treat me as an equal, to show her love for me, to show interest in me. These are things I rarely or never feel. Our conversation tonight quickly progressed to the “if I’m that awful why don’t you leave me?”. This is the last thing I need to hear, the way I’m currently feeling. I need somewhere to vent and I’m hoping to get a female perspective on things. Any opinions/ advice etc greatly received.

Honestly? I can hear you’re struggling, and everyone wants to be loved. Your wife sounds either worn down by life, or just hard faced. I’ve only known one or two people like that - they have little empathy, or warmth, and think that everyone should handle life like they do - no emotion.

Has it always been like this? I feel like that will show you what type of person she is.

Can you maybe manage a night or two away together where you spend time with each other and tall openly, honestly, and just try to communicate better? I think you need to spell it out to her, how you’re feeling and what you need from the relationship. And it should be reciprocal so she gets to answer these questions too and you will need to listen to her and take her comments on board.

It might be a good way to reset your relationship- people either grow together or grow apart. If the latter happens it’s hard to get back on track.

If she keeps saying you should leave are you sure she doesn’t want to split but is pushing you to make the decision so she doesn’t look like the bad guy?

You don't seem to have much agency. Why haven't you taken more control of the situation? You should have a say over how your money is spent and on major decisions.

"Just leave then." Is something a teenager says not a mature adult. She seems to be sticking her fingers in her ears.

I'm guessing your relationship is also celibate. It's not looking good and I think your fears are right that you're being used.

You need to find another form of emotional support because you're not going to get it from your wife.

She wants out.

What’s the sex life like?

Laughingdoggo that is my fear. We have 2 kids and they are my world. Tha last thing I want to do is have the kids with separated parents. It’s the ultimate last resort for me. Our sex life is, as all things, on her terms. To me, love is giving your all to someone. Our sexlife is basically when she is in the mood for it, her boundaries, very vanilla.

Maitri, I haven’t “taken control” as I believe in equality and don’t see it as my place to rule the roost. Our relationship is not celibate. Probably fairly average in terms of frequency. There are lots of boundaries, imposed by her. I don’t believe in boundaries. If I love someone I give them my all. Whatever makes them happy, makes me happy.

How long have you been married and how old are the kids?

What do you mean that you don't think there should be any boundaries in bed?

Sorry your going through all of this. Your wife sounds like a bitch am sorry to say.

You don't believe in equality because you don't have equality. By take control I didn't mean take over, I meant stop being so passive.

As for boundaries during sex, sounds like you want your wife to do things she doesn't want. Does all on her own terms, means consensual?

Your wife sadly sounds very Insecure. Did she have a good relationship with her parents/family?

What are the kids like? Her workload?
My husband often says he feels neglected and he probably is but the reason is because I’ve got two very demanding kids, work, housework, food shopping and no family support close by. That said she does sound cold

Lillibridge, good question. I believe my wife has learned to how to be a wife from her mother. Her mother puts herself first. Her dad puts her mum first. Her mum only considers herself

Pyjamatimenow our kids are wonderful. I love them endlessly. My son was a difficult baby but he’s 6 now. His sister is 4. My wife works 3 days a week, hours to suit the school run. I work 4 days and do the school run 3 out of 10 a week. I do at least equal cooking and as much house work as I can. I’m not a 1950’s style husband. I appreciate the strain work, family, home making takes on a relationship. I’m not expecting a stepford wife. That said, my wife usually declines my advances. Constant rejection does a man no good. That is what I mean sex on her terms. We have a vanilla sex life, when my wife wants. I’m not looking for non-consensual sex or for her to do things she isn’t comfortable with. I long to feel that she wants me as much as I want her. I feel she sometimes weaponises sex.

Maitri I think you misread my response. I believe in equality. She holds the key to our sex life. Everything is on her terms. I’m not looking for non-consensual sex. I’d like to feel like she wants me, not that sex is a chore or a weapon.

Ruddygreattiger almost 10 years married. By no boundaries I mean my wife should seem interested in me. Not rationed sex, only when she wants, how she wants, where she wants. I’m not a dildo to be used only as she pleases. It’s hard to convey. I’m not looking for her to do things she isn’t comfortable with but I feel if she truly wanted me she’d want to do these things. Sex often feels like a tick box exercise or a way of control.

Flip this round for a moment, you want her to want to let you do whatever she wants to here….no, that’s not right, that is surrender and ownership. You say that if you love someone then there should be no boundaries and what leases them pleases you, so why isn’t keeping to your wife’s preferences making you happy?

It’s impossible to tell what is happening without lots of background and knowing you both but it sounds like for whatever reason you have become a chore and no woman wants more of those.

Maybe some counselling, but if not then if you aren’t happy leaving is the right option, not keep nagging for sex.

This is going to sound harsh or rude but isn’t meant that way but I think you need to consider that sex is not sufficiently satisfying for her. Despite having a lower libido now I’m post-menopausal, I don’t end up turning DH down because he never wastes my time. Usually he doesn’t waste my time twice. He’s completely irresistible. The question you don’t seem to be asking yourself (or your wife) is whether you’re good enough in bed. if you need an exhausted woman to stay awake a bit longer, it needs to be worth her while.

How long has she been like that about sex? How old is she?

This.

Op, you both work and have young kids so life must feel pretty tiring for both of you, do uou both get chance to have downtime on your own or with friends?
If you feel passive and taken for granted it might be worth suggesting counselling.
The the sex I'm confused, on one post you say you suppose your sex life is as frequently as other people, yet in another post you say she's constantly rejecting you? You keep referring to it as vanilla, which is obviously not what you want.
What I find more concerning is you seem to think that she should be willing to do whatever you want in bed, despite her not liking it. - maybe that is why she doesn't seem keen if you are pestering her for god knows what.

Talk to her and suggest counselling, she probably has a lot to say aswell.

She sounds depressed, you sound fed up. I think you both need to have an open conversation maybe in therapy or have a few nights away to talk.

Sounds like you are both building resentment and that’s only going to end one way.

How old is she? Has she always been cold? If she’s in her 40s have you read up about perimenopause symptoms? Has she discussed if she’s happy? Do you ever go out and have a laugh?

It doesn’t sound a very good relationship to me from either point of view. I think it’s best you take steps to split. The children will be better off without miserable parents. I don’t understand what you mean when complaining you only have sex when she wants to. It implies you think she should have sex with you when she doesn’t want to. That doesn’t sound like a relationship of equals to me.

“Just leave me if I’m so awful” sounds like something said when ground down and feeling undervalued.

I think you’re both in a bad state. Couples counselling - my friend had a very good experience with Relate - might be a helpful step if you do want to get back on track.

However, it takes a willingness to engage and thing about things in a different way. If either of you is just looking for permission to leave, it’s not any help.

That’s not what he said though.

What he said is that all the sex is on her terms, demanding what and when.

He hasn’t said she must do whatever he wants - he just said things shouldn’t be one sided. Did you not read that?

She sounds selfish horrible and unempathetic here, though it would be interesting to hear her perspective.

Her lack of emotional support seems mean and cold. But on the other hand your comments about wanting "no boundaries" for your sex life sounds very unpleasant. Boundaries are a critical part of consent. I felt quite uneasy reading that.

If she is truly as bad as she sounds (the fact that her mother was/is also a self centred wife is relevant) then the marriage might as well be over. It sounds like she doesn't care either way because as the main carer she's probably get the house and maintenance money from you and every other weekend child free, so it won't make much difference to her because you would be the one expected to leave. She isn't going to.

On the other hand you may be expecting too much. It sounds very typical of many families with two working parents and young children. Time, energy and cash is in short supply and fun, wild sex and deep and meaningful conversations drop down the priority list.

Has your wife always been "cold"? I suspect not as you probably wouldn't have married her. I used to be more emotional and demonstrative but the strains of everyday life and kids made me grow a tougher exterior and no-nonsense mindset. My husband was also not very tolerant of negative emotions, crying, feeling down etc. So I taught myself not to rely on his emotional support and deal my feelings in my own way. When he's subsequently had tough times like bereavements, I've supported him practically and said the right things but he has commented that he thought I was not emotionally supportive enough in a demonstrative way but ... you reap what you sow - this is who I am now and I can't pretend to be someone else.

I am trying not to "have a go" at you and I may be totally barking up the wrong tree but if any of it rings true it might be food for thought.

Relationship counselling might be good. But you would need to sell it in the sense that you BOTH deserve to be happy and cherished in the marriage. Otherwise she will assume you are only thinking about how to get her to do porn star sex. Please also take the initiative about researching and arranging counselling including childcare during the sessions. If you assume she can make the arrangements because she works PT, it's just another chore that she didn't ask for and her resentment will not help. You need to start off on the right foot.

Good luck.

I really hate the passive aggressive, "just leave me then" comments and mindset and I agree completely that a bit of compassiona nd care for you while you're dealing with a relative's illness is the bare minimum of what you'd expect from your partner.

But your comments about sex are very concerning. Of course everyone has the right to boundaries. And yes, sex should be two way and you should both make the effort for each other, but you seem to think that she should just have sex with you whenever you want and however you wnt to show her love. And if that perception is coming through to her, I can guarantee you that it's impacting everything else she's thinking and doing. NOTHING turns a woman off more than a sex pest husband who seems to think her body is his to grope and paw whenever he feels like.

Can’t comment on the other aspects but it made me feel very uncomfortable that you said that if she really loved you and cared she wouldn’t have boundaries during sex.

it’s normal to have boundaries in sex.