After advice/female perspective on relationship

[Flyguy1]

Hi, I’m posting here as I don’t want to burden family and friends with my issue and I hope to get a female perspective on my situation. My relationship with my wife has never felt one of equals- my wife overrides my decisions, I’m by far the breadwinner but she does all the spending and so on. This goes through our relationship, from finances, what should be joint decisions to even our sex life. Everything is on her terms. I’ve long felt this is not a relationship of equals. Whenever I try to discuss any issues with my wife I’m often greeted with the knee jerk response “if I’m that bad why don’t you just leave me”. This fills me with doubt as to whether she loves me or is just with me for my wallet and the lifestyle I provide- a marriage of comfort and convenience. A good dad for our kids, a safe bet. Today we’ve had a disagreement. A very close family member (close blood relative of mine) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The investigations began 6 months ago, with formal diagnosis perhaps 4 1/2 months ago. They are undergoing treatment with the aim of extending life, not curing them of this horrendous disease. Throughout this whole time not once has my wife asked how I’m doing. It touched a nerve tonight when a work colleague took me aside and asked me how I’m doing- they could tell I wasn’t great. I long for this sort of warmth, care, comfort off my wife, but it is never present. I arrived home and instead of comforting I was told I seemed restless. Other times I’ve been told I seem in a mood with her, when in reality I’m breaking down inside with everything that’s happening. My wife seems to have zero interest in my emotional wellbeing. In the 6 months she has not once asked me how I’m doing/coping etc. can anyone rationalise this for me? I basically feel unloved, a cash cow, a convenience. Am I wrong to feel this way? If I have to ask for something, I don’t want it. I want my wife to treat me as an equal, to show her love for me, to show interest in me. These are things I rarely or never feel. Our conversation tonight quickly progressed to the “if I’m that awful why don’t you leave me?”. This is the last thing I need to hear, the way I’m currently feeling. I need somewhere to vent and I’m hoping to get a female perspective on things. Any opinions/ advice etc greatly received.

I don’t believe in boundaries. If I love someone I give them my all. Whatever makes them happy, makes me happy.

This is unsettling. Boundaries are massively important, they are not something to be not 'believed' in.
No one should give another person their all, or be made happy by someone else's personal preferences and happiness.

Anyway, sounds like a miserable relationship, why not divorce? Parent your kids 50/50, enjoy life.

Has she always been this way? Before marriage? Cold? Unfeeling? Or is this something new?

Re the sex maybe she just knows what gets her off so those are the things she wants to be able to have an orgasm. It can be more difficult for women than men to achieve an orgasm.

I also think the whole not asking how you feel thing, do you talk to one another or not? Do you volunteer your feelings and emotions or do you not feel able to be vulnerable in front of her?

Honestly, maybe you should consider the alternate life you could be living if you did leave her. Think about how it would work re housing, children etc. She shuts you down every time you try to talk to her.

I have a male friend who was in a horrible marriage and she left him, he couldn't leave because he absolutely loved his children, they were his world. He has them 50% of the time and although that is less than he would want it is better than living unloved, not cared for, rejected, belittled and controlled. Like you he earned the majority of their money but she dictated how it was spent, every penny. Because he didn't leave he endured years of this and is a shadow of the man he was but he is in a lovely relationship and feels loved, wanted and listened to.

She sounds absolutely dreadful, and I'm disheartened but not surprised to see various posters making excuses for her. Not to ask how you are when your relative is terminally ill is pretty much unforgivable in terms of empathy and being part of a loving relationship, and it would never be accepted were the genders reversed.

I think how you tackle this depends on if this is new behaviour or if she has always been this way. From how you describe her parents I have a feeling that this is just who she is and it isn't that you have done something to cause it and most likely there is not anything you can do to change it long term either. You might get her to act differently periodically but you will always know that that isn't how she wants to act, she is just putting it on so that you can't complain.

Having divorced parents isn't the worse thing in the world for kids and you and your wife sound like you could probably divorce without too much resentment as neither of you sound like you actually love the other person or wants to be with them. It's turned into more of a marriage of convenience.

OP you say “I feel she sometimes weaponises sex” That’s a really unhealthy way of looking at it. Women don’t weaponise sex. That sounds like there’s some entitlement mixed up in there.

Urgh. The comments about sex reveal a lot about you. None of it good.

Weaponising sex, boundaries etc. Grim.

There is a whole tiktok posting of American women saying fuck him on a Saturday morning and that bitch will do lots of chores for you so grateful you fucked him. Want that lawn cut? Fuck him on a Saturday. They clearly feel no shame because they post that content. I think that is weaponising sex.

I also think some women will have sex almost on a schedule to be able to keep the man providing the large paycheck because that brings the house, cars, holidays, status and the ability to work part time or not work. My friend of a friend gets given cold hard cash on the bedside table every time she has sex with her husband. He knows she uses him for "handbag" shopping money and he doesn't care because she porn stars herself so they both see it as a win win.

The bedrock to a relationship is an underlying friendship. A friend would ask about your relative.

Call her bluff and leave her.

You only get one life so why spend it with someone who doesn't meet your needs and you're incompatible with?

She doesn't want affection and wants to control everything and you want warmth and caring and and an equal say in everything.

You were foolish to let things slide for so long as she sees it as you accepting this one sided relationship.

You should have put your foot down years ago.

Time to call it a day with her and when the dust has settled then you can meet someone who is more compatible.

There's something off about your posts that I can't quite figure out. The not believing in boundaries around sex is deeply disturbing. But also the way you blame your wife for you not telling her stuff.

Like this:

It touched a nerve tonight when a work colleague took me aside and asked me how I’m doing- they could tell I wasn’t great. I long for this sort of warmth, care, comfort off my wife, but it is never present. I arrived home and instead of comforting I was told I seemed restless. Other times I’ve been told I seem in a mood with her, when in reality I’m breaking down inside with everything that’s happening.

You wife noticed you were 'restless', which is an opening to a conversation about how you're feeling. But you ignored it and now berate her for not comforting you. Likewise when she's noticed your mood being off. She's not a mind a reader. She's asking you in but you're not opening up to her.

Makes me wonder if the warm, caring and comforting work colleague is female and you're rewriting history to justify looking elsewhere.

How can you possibly say that women don't weaponise sex? Surely you can only say you don't weaponise sex? Or at a push, your friends don't weaponise sex (assuming they tell you the truth). I might be weaponising sex until the cows come home!

Honestly based on what you said it sounds awful. You really sound like you resent her and it’s largely around her withholding sex for whatever reason. Loads of women go off sex after kids. It’s not them harbouring a ‘weapon’ or anything.

Leaving her is not an option. My kids come first. They didn’t choose to have us, we chose to have them. They have a happy loving home life. My wife is an amazing mother. I do my best as a dad. They have a stable and happy home and I’ve seen first hand what divorce can do to kids. Someone called her a bitch. I can’t hear that.
weaponising sex is that she uses it to get her way. She uses it as a way to make things right.
no boundaries doesn’t mean she must do what I want. I simply mean it shouldn’t be a routine, same old thing, every time, same day, same place. Always on her terms. Not allowed elsewhere etc.
I was looking for perspective on why she is so emotionally cold with me, not a critique of our sex life. I feel this is meandering in the wrong direction.
there have been some helpful and insightful comments. I’ve suggested joint counseling before, but she’s blocked this. She has a shopping addiction imo and I’ve discussed this. She cuts back, but soon goes back to her old ways. I suspect there may an anxiety/depression element to it all.
many thanks for all the input.

If you won't end the miserable marriage and she refuses therapy there's no other suggestions, surely. Your kids will grow up thinking this is what marriage is, and will seek out the same for themselves.

You seem to be contradicting yourself. You say in your OP: My relationship with my wife has never felt one of equals. I then suggest you step up and you argue that you can't because you believe in equality.

You can't make someone desire you and I'm surprised you're having sex at all given what you describe about your relationship.

Again you contradict yourself. You talk of your wife rejecting you sexually yet say that you have sex quite frequently.

You later say: Sex often feels like a tick box exercise or a way of control. It sounds as though she doesn't want to have sex with you but feels obligated.

You also describe her as 'vanilla', as she's not doing things you want sexually. You said that if you love someone you should do anything to please them - is that what you say to your wife to get her to perform for you?

I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone who didn't want to have sex with me. It sounds like you're trying to coerce her into doing things she doesn't want to do despite the fact that for her it's a 'tick box exercise '.

You say she's selfish but she seems to be working part time to take care of your children.

Men often post here wanting to know how they can get their unwilling wives to not only have more sex but to be more into it.

They list household tasks as though she's a slot machine and sex is the reward. You don't sound like you like her very much. You say that she spends all your money, won't have a simple discussion, doesn't show any emotional support, is selfish and makes all the decisions.

Then you want to know how you can get her to have less vanilla sex and have it willingly. Perhaps she feels your contempt which is why she has sex to keep you happy.

The questions about your sex life are to get part of the bigger picture OP.

Could your wife be peri-menopausal and how she has sex is linked to that? DH and I have had issues around that recently.

Matri I sense you’re looking for an argument. I’ve had 2 hours sleep and my head is all over the place atm. My marriage has never felt equal, but I believe in equality, not me dominating the show.
i love my wife dearly and try to show her every day. My wife is a fairly closed person whereas I’m very open. At present I’m not feeling the love. I merely listed a few of the ways I don’t feel love- lack of support, concern and understanding, her not instigating intimacy (and when she does it feels for a reason, not spontaneous because she wants it) and very rigid bedroom rules which I don’t feel comfortable divulging. Her spending every penny we earn, her dismissing my opinions on things. I wanted a female perspective on this.
if I contradict myself I appologise. As I said, I’m functioning today on 2 hours sleep and I’m just about holding it together at work. My head is up my arse, so to speak.

I didn't suggest you should dominate her. I'd never suggest that. Stepping up and taking control in a situation does not mean exerting dominance.

You said your marriage has never been equal and listed ways in which your wife spends all your money and makes all the decisions. I suggested that you do something about that and you've taken it to mean dominating her.

Again you're contradicting yourself but apparently pointing that out means that someone is looking for an argument. Your OP did not convey that you love your wife dearly. You went on to say that she always puts herself first and weaponises sex.

The crux of your issue seems to be getting your wife to want more sex and being less vanilla. I took that to mean doing things she doesn't want to do in bed. Perhaps you can explain what you mean.

The crux of the matter is that I feel I’m getting more emotional support off my friends and work colleagues than my wife, whilst my immediate blood relative is dying. I had an emotional day yesterday and my wife seems indifferent to it. I came home and put on a brave face for our kids and I get told I seem restless. Not “how u doing? Or anything of concern. Just an accusatory “you seem restless”. The rest was to paint a picture of our relationship. As I said, I give my all to people, in all respects, if I love them. That isn’t reciprocated. I wanted a female perspective on things.

I think the OP has been quite clear that hie experiences no love within his relationship. Folk are over focusing on the discussion around sex but suffice to say that the OP, whilst having regular sex (for a married couple) experiences no love, tenderness or appreciation during sex. Sex is rigid and not an equal sharing of love and respect. That can be quite a lonely feeling. Sex, I presume would be quite functional, mechanical even. Sex with your loved one is supposed to raised your confidence. That's not happening either.

Often on MN the advice is to leave. That's not an option, as the OP has already said. The option would be to try to understand what's going on within her. People who cannot show love can often have some trauma or bad experience; perhaps learnt behaviour from childhood or even an anxiety disorder around emotional intimacy. I fear that whatever it is, she'll find it difficult to talk about.

I really don't like your language around sex. Boundaries are healthy and she shouldn't feel like she has to have sex when she doesn't want it. If you're just talking about spicing things up, that's what you should have said, there's a reason why you didn't.

Aside from that, why aren't you communicating with her? You seem to expect her to be able to read your mind and know how you feel when you get home. She can't do that, you need to communicate.

I'm not saying it's all your fault, she sounds like she has her flaws too, but you can only control yourself, and there are many things here that are within your control. Would she be open to couples therapy?

But you're getting a female perspective. we're telling you:

1 It's not okay that she behaves in such a cold and unkind way
2 you should not be simply abdicating responsibiltiy for all decisions to her.
3 it's okay for her to have boundaries with regards to sex and to only do things that make her comfortable. That might not work for you. but she has that right.

There's a bunch of more nuanced and conflicting comments, as you would expect on a forum like this.

For example, I have questions about how you expect or handle the sex thing and suspect she might not appreciate your attitude to sex.

Re taking responsibility for decisions, I personally question how that works. You absolutely SHOULD have a say. But that also means you have to take responsibiltiy for getting things done, put the work into thinking about those things, consider all the variables etc. If you can and/or already do that, then yes, you should have a more detailed conversation with her about hwo this should look in the future.

The fact that she's not being supportive of a "blood relative" dying (what does that mean anyway?) is not nice at all but it suggests to me that there are much deeper problems in this relationship than you are seeing.

I think you need to take the sex out of this entirely. I can't comment on anything else when you have such disturbing views about sex.

Of course people of either sex should only have sex they want to have. There is also nothing wrong to have boundaries about what you will and won't do in a sexual relationship.

Boundaries are healthy in any relationship. Are you telling her all these issues. In nice clear sentences? No one is a mind reader and some of us are very poor at reading other people. Your DW may need you to spell out what you are feeling and what you need.
Your view of boundary free relationships isn't a very healthy one.

She doesn't love you and is only staying for the children or something else?

She doesn't like having sex with you, either you aren't good at it or you've let her down or made her feel unsafe so she has obligation sex but has many rules and boundaries to protect herself.

She likely spends money because of depression, it's probably a distraction from a very unhappy marrige to a man she dislikes, it's likely the only thing she can enjoy whilst being with you.

I would go ahead and seek a divorce, neither of you are happy and this will cause issues for the children eventually.

You can't change your wife and it seems as though your feelings aren't mutual. She seems indifferent to you and to be in the relationship for convenience.

She refuses to discuss anything, shows no consideration or sympathy, spends all your money, makes all the decisions and weaponises sex.

If you can't have a discussion, then you can't have a functional relationship.