After advice/female perspective on relationship

[Flyguy1]

Hi, I’m posting here as I don’t want to burden family and friends with my issue and I hope to get a female perspective on my situation. My relationship with my wife has never felt one of equals- my wife overrides my decisions, I’m by far the breadwinner but she does all the spending and so on. This goes through our relationship, from finances, what should be joint decisions to even our sex life. Everything is on her terms. I’ve long felt this is not a relationship of equals. Whenever I try to discuss any issues with my wife I’m often greeted with the knee jerk response “if I’m that bad why don’t you just leave me”. This fills me with doubt as to whether she loves me or is just with me for my wallet and the lifestyle I provide- a marriage of comfort and convenience. A good dad for our kids, a safe bet. Today we’ve had a disagreement. A very close family member (close blood relative of mine) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The investigations began 6 months ago, with formal diagnosis perhaps 4 1/2 months ago. They are undergoing treatment with the aim of extending life, not curing them of this horrendous disease. Throughout this whole time not once has my wife asked how I’m doing. It touched a nerve tonight when a work colleague took me aside and asked me how I’m doing- they could tell I wasn’t great. I long for this sort of warmth, care, comfort off my wife, but it is never present. I arrived home and instead of comforting I was told I seemed restless. Other times I’ve been told I seem in a mood with her, when in reality I’m breaking down inside with everything that’s happening. My wife seems to have zero interest in my emotional wellbeing. In the 6 months she has not once asked me how I’m doing/coping etc. can anyone rationalise this for me? I basically feel unloved, a cash cow, a convenience. Am I wrong to feel this way? If I have to ask for something, I don’t want it. I want my wife to treat me as an equal, to show her love for me, to show interest in me. These are things I rarely or never feel. Our conversation tonight quickly progressed to the “if I’m that awful why don’t you leave me?”. This is the last thing I need to hear, the way I’m currently feeling. I need somewhere to vent and I’m hoping to get a female perspective on things. Any opinions/ advice etc greatly received.

I’m not commenting on if you should leave but just so you’re aware it is no longer the norm for fathers to only get every other weekend contact and the woman to keep the house with the man walking away with virtually nothing. Many fathers now get 50/50 time with their children and unless there is a strong reason this shouldn’t apply in your case you would probably get the same if you wanted it. Assets are usually also split fairly equally, unless e.g there is a very significant difference in earning capacity.

Thanks for all the advice guys. It’s given me a lot to think about. I’m going to leave this here now. Thanks again for taking the time to comment, it’s all appreciated

I wonder if the colleague who asked if you are okay is a potential OW

Your dynamic sounds a bit like my inlaws (now in their 70s), even down to the "Well if it's that bad, divorce me", knowing full well that he never would.

My MIL has spent every penny her husband has earnt, and also every penny left by all 4 of their parents. She's profoundly selfish and was even acting hard done by when her husband asked her for a glass of water when he was recovering from a hip replacement - huffing and puffing as she stomped off to get it.

She doesn't care about his feelings and doesn't consider him in anything she does.

My husband and I often comment on how they are absolutely not a 'team', and my husband wants exactly the opposite to what he's seen modelled by his parents.

If you're adamant you will never leave then the only option is to talk honestly with a couples therapist.

Op.. do you ask how your wife is etc? You say she doesn't but do you? Sounds like she's had enough and wants out if I'm honest. It's difficult when you just read one side, I'm sure she has a different take on this. Vanilla sexlife, do you make effort during the day to 'get her in the mood' or just expect it when you get into bed?

Our sex life is, as all things, on her terms. To me, love is giving your all to someone Our sexlife is basically when she is in the mood for it, her boundaries, very vanilla.

The OP has a problem with consent. He thinks his wife should have sex when she's not in the mood and shouldn't have any boundaries as

love is giving your all to someone

Vanilla tends to mean doesn't want to act out porn.

I’m not sure why you are getting such a hard time from some folks on here. I think the sex boundaries comment derailed things a bit. Maybe the clumsy way you expressed this has something to do with your dysfunctional relationship? It sounds like the pair of you don’t communicate at all well. Your wife sounds cold and defensive. You sound passive. Without better communication I’m not sure how you can fix things.

You state that you're the breadwinner (so perhaps view your job as more valuable than hers) but only work one extra day than her. You say you do what you can around the house, and that she's an amazing mother and you are doing your best as a dad. She is spending the money.
To me, it sounds like she is doing to lion's share of the childcare and housework. And I don't mean physically doing the school run and wiping the kitchen, but the full mental load of school emails, knowing what each kid likes, renewing household crap, haircuts, dentists, doctors, shoes, clothes, emotional needs of the kids etc etc etc forever. It's a huge drain and she sounds resentful that you then want affection and adoration in bed. She's probably exhausted! Your kids are young still and she probably just doesn't have the energy and it feels like an extra demand on her when her head is crammed and she feels touched out.

If this was a woman posting this, there would be never ending comments telling her to leave the man as she deserves better from MN’etters 🙄

@Flyguy1 You deserve better and your wife deserves better, as it seems like this is not a good relationship if you have needs (emotional) that aren’t being met and your wife is telling you to just leave her.

You need to sit down with your wife and have a massive conversation. About how you feel, about why she says to just leave her, about why sex is just on her terms. If nothing changes, then leave her.

The kids will be fine and are more resilient than we know, and life is too damn short to be in an unhappy marriage forever. Staying together with no resolve will just end up making everybody miserable and the kids will grow up seeing that too.

OP - book couples therapy and give her the place and time. If she doesn’t want to go, go alone for a session or two. She may have a whole bunch of issues that cause her pain - things that you do or don’t do which you may have no idea about but which are difficult for her to talk about and she would benefit from having a ”safe” person to lead the discussion. There are two sides to every story.

I thought this was my husband posting for a moment! I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful ti be unhappy in a marriage & feel rejected. I do think I understand your perspective as my husband is feeling similarly (I think). I have definitely become emotionally unattached to him over 10 years we’ve been married & esp since birth of our child, now nearly 5. Why? I’ve realised we are different people & long to feel ‘connected’ but we don’t enjoy same things, have some different values. Plus caring for a child means I no longer ‘look after’ him as I used to. No more pet names either - it feels like all my caring has transferred to child.

as for sex - he feels like you, he wants not just regular sex but loving, emotionally-connected sex, and for me to initiate. Well - my libido has never been high & got even lower after birth. I’m tired eve of day, don’t look my best at home, just want a hill & sleep! Sex definitely feels a chore. Also just weird suddenly to say ‘let’s have sex now’ with no prior emotional connection. Frankly it’s like a stranger suddenly asking me to take off my clothes and suddenly get close! I just can’t enjoy it , & feel awkward. Maybe that’s how your wife feels? Women definitely need to connect emotionally (generally speaking ) first, whereas I know men often need sex first to connect. Difficult!
Agree w comments above, try counselling to help air feelings in a controlled environment (ie third party to guide & step in). It’s often too hard without help as chat turns into rows. You can then work on a path forward, together or independently.

(Personally we are considering an emotional split if things don’t improve - meaning staying together as a family but leaving each other free to pursue outside relationships discreetly. Let’s see..).

best of luck in your marriage!!

Thank god you added a predictable 'if this was the otheway around' post, we didn't have one on this thread. I guess all the other mind readers are busy today.

The TikTok videos were satire. They were intended to spark discussion about gender roles.

The crux of the matter is your wife has cottoned on that you are getting support outside of your marriage, she doesn't trust you at present.

"You seem restless" why do you say this is accusatory? I think you know and feel guilt.
Has your head been turned by someone because this sounds remarkably like the script and your wife is detatching for safety.

A list of critisisms, your wife knows you are devaluing her.

She also works one day less than you yet is the primary caregiver and all you can do is moan about the lack of support and sex you can get.

Thank god you added a helpful response to the OP. Not sure what they would do without your golden advice 🙄

Simply speaking the truth. Like what people do on the internet. I at least added some advice to the OP.

You can't just compare posts if it was the other way around though.

Women don't go accusing their husbands of weaponising sex for a start. Or wanting to go beyond their boundaries.