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Original poster

Had an affair with a 39 year old married man when I was 19. Was this wrong?

74 replies

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 00:45

Okay so this happened years ago and went on for almost 3 years. Nobody ever found out but as I’ve got older I’ve always questioned the age gap and although it isn’t considered “illegal” I’m always wondering wether it was still morally wrong.
the man was 39 and married with a 7 year old when we met and I was only 19.
he told me a lotttt about a his home life, personal life and marriage. Told me at one point he’d leave his wife for me and wanted to live with me. Suddenly after 3 years I think I woke up and had enough and ghosted him. He’s recently got back in touch. I’ve never told anyone mainly because I’m not proud but have always wanted someone else’s opinion on this?!

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 02/04/2025 00:03

Look you were just a convenient shag get over yourself. Stop thinking about YOU and think about his poor wife if you really need to be thinking about this old affair. You were wrong & so was he end off

Almostwelsh · 02/04/2025 00:08

Yes it was wrong. You were young and foolish and he isn't a very nice or honourable man.

MrsEverest · 02/04/2025 00:18

You were immature. That's why you thought you were in competition with other women, and your ego was stoked that you 'won' against his wife.

No mature woman does this.

Ilovemeggy38 · 02/04/2025 00:21

Oh come on OP!
In the intervening years you haven't found a boy your own age to have a lovely relationship with!
Why are you on Mumsnet reliving this arsehole of a man ?

Ilovemeggy38 · 02/04/2025 00:25

And of course you know it's wrong.
Get a bloody grip and have a word with yourself women!!;
19 yes you're young
Now , no way !!

Takenoprisoner · 02/04/2025 00:28

You posted this just last night with some details changed. And in that thread you were wondering about starting things up again with him, because his marriage wasn't happy, according to you. I don't know what you're hoping to gain by starting another thread. Did you not like the responses on that one which judged you much more harshly based on other details you haven't provided here? Why all this drama? why haven't you blocked him already?

TheSilentSister · 02/04/2025 01:05

OP, you were immature and flattered by the attention of an older/experienced man. You won't be the first or last to be in this situation. Don't feel too bad, he's the one that broke marriage vows, not you.
You know better now I hope. Please ignore him. Move on.

LaurenIsthatyou · 02/04/2025 01:37

Not as wrong as it was for him

savethatkitty · 02/04/2025 02:23

Even at your tender age you knew what you were doing was wrong yet you still did it anyway. For 3 years. You are deplorable. No sympathy here.

L0bstersLass · 02/04/2025 02:28

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:07

I would like to add from the replies that at the time, I did know it was wrong and have never felt proud. If anything, as I was young I enjoyed the attention and obviously the excitement. I think more of what I question as I get older is was the age gap considered normal from someone’s else’s perspective as I’ve only ever had my own to go from and as I never once felt used, I always felt like I justified it.

@Thenighttimer you were an adult, choosing to have an affair with another woman's husband because you enjoyed the attention.
Yes you were in the wrong.
This wasn't a one off, it was 3 years.
Own it. You can't put all the blame on him.

Calliecarpa · 02/04/2025 06:11

How come you've made another thread about the exact same thing when your previous one about this affair is still active? How come you need to make a thread asking if the affair was wrong when there are 13 pages on your other thread telling you it was wrong?

Yes, it was wrong. Everything about it was wrong, including the huge age gap. Of course it was. You know it was. This man was and is a sleazy revolting cheating predator, putting his wife's health at risk and manipulating a woman half his age with his lies (which, judging by your other thread, you're still falling for). What you did was also wrong and you know it, including going to his house when his wife wasn't there and having sex with him in her own bed! The poor woman. It seems from your other thread that this awful specimen is back in touch with you again and you've been tempted to respond. In case it's not obvious from the million other posts telling you the same thing, just don't.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 02/04/2025 06:14

Didn’t you get the answers you needed on your other thread?

Why another one?

cryinglaughing · 02/04/2025 06:17

Think it's a little late to be worrying about the age gap, the water is well under the bridge.

Did you even give any thought to his wife, or is it purely the age gap that is bothering you?

Pumpkincozynights · 02/04/2025 06:24

I think he was entirely to blame. Totally inappropriate for any married person to commit adultery for 3 years, never mind with someone young enough to be their child.
I would either reply with ‘ How is your wife? Did she ever find out that you were cheating on her?’ Or block him entirely and never communicate with him again.
I don’t regard 19 as being nature. I certainly wasn’t mature at 19. I doubt many posters on here giving you a hard time expect they’re own19 year olds to be living in their own home, working full time and fully independent.

User37482 · 02/04/2025 06:27

Imo you were a kid, it’s not something you should be carrying around with you. He’s an arsehole.

If at 39 DH had started seeing a 19yr old I’d still be more appalled at him tbh, I’d see it as him exploiting someone who’s barely out of childhood plus he made his marriage vows to me, the girl doesn’t have any personal obligation to me.

Mamma1982 · 02/04/2025 06:36

I’ve dated older men and the age gap isn’t attractive once you’re in a relationship. The longest I had was for 8 years when I was 25 and he was 40. I feel like I missed out on a big part of my youth. I wanted excitement and adventure to discover the world but he had done it all before. That’s what attracted me to him, his knowledge and experience. I loved him dearly but it led to the unravelling of our relationship. You have rose tinted specs on about the possibility of having a relationship with him when you still feel excitement and attraction. The fact he cheated on his wife by having you sleep in their marital bed shows the extent of his lies that he’s willing to go to. Don’t lose the best years of your life over someone who doesn’t deserve you. You’ll also grow up and think you’ll become their carer, that’s what was going through my head when we thought about marriage. I called off my engagement to him and a year later met my now husband who was the same age as me and wanted the same things. He hadn’t been there and done them all before and so the excitement for our unknown future was evident from the beginning. Honestly, don’t go back. It will lead to heartache for you, not him.

WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 02/04/2025 06:37

Really? Another thread on this op? Didn’t yesterday’s sink in enough?

Oblomov25 · 02/04/2025 06:38

Why are you thinking about this now. More importantly why didn't it occur to you how inappropriate it was, at the time. You chose not to think about it, at the time. Why?

WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 02/04/2025 06:39

You sounded pretty proud in your thread yesterday. You very much enjoyed the thrill of shagging in his wife’s bed.

redphonecase · 02/04/2025 06:40

Did you not like the replies on your other thread?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/04/2025 06:45

You were really dumb to do that.

He was a total creep to do that.

Both wrong. Both stupid. Hope you've grown up a bit now to spot the creeps a mile off and not to enable their cheating.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 02/04/2025 06:45

I did something similar a couple of years younger. I came to my senses when I went to university and stopped seeing him. Looking back, I'd never even had a proper boyfriend before and it made me feel so much more confident about myself. I'd been bullied by boys at school - constantly called fat almost every day for two years and my confidence was on the floor at an age when I obviously wanted to be thought attractive, and when anyone nearer to my age did fancy me I didn't trust them and thought they were taking the piss. He totally came for me - it was textbook grooming, I see now. I have forgiven myself as I was clearly very young and vulnerable. FWIW he was married to the same woman for 30 more years and died recently.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 02/04/2025 06:51

We all make mistakes at 19. You have had many responses on the other thread. This man is not a good man. He will use you for sex. He is old and should know better. You are older now and should know better.

WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 02/04/2025 07:08

Clearly loving the attention.