Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair with a 39 year old married man when I was 19. Was this wrong?

74 replies

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 00:45

Okay so this happened years ago and went on for almost 3 years. Nobody ever found out but as I’ve got older I’ve always questioned the age gap and although it isn’t considered “illegal” I’m always wondering wether it was still morally wrong.
the man was 39 and married with a 7 year old when we met and I was only 19.
he told me a lotttt about a his home life, personal life and marriage. Told me at one point he’d leave his wife for me and wanted to live with me. Suddenly after 3 years I think I woke up and had enough and ghosted him. He’s recently got back in touch. I’ve never told anyone mainly because I’m not proud but have always wanted someone else’s opinion on this?!

OP posts:
FatFilledTrottyPuss · 01/04/2025 00:51

You were sleeping with another woman’s husband for 3 years, of course it was wrong.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 01/04/2025 00:53

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 01/04/2025 00:51

You were sleeping with another woman’s husband for 3 years, of course it was wrong.

This

Bourbonbonbon · 01/04/2025 00:54

Obviously he took advantage of your young age and he was the one cheating.

I don't think it's helpful for any stranger to comment on whether you should have known better. There are so many variables. I don't think you should carry a burden of guilt after so many years and I'm sure you wouldn't do the same thing again.

Flowerpupp · 01/04/2025 00:56

I think you might be looking for validation that because he was so much older than you that you were somehow groomed but at 19 you are legally an adult and you likely knew it was wrong then, as you do now. I would put it behind you as a stupid mistake that your younger self made and move on with your life.

Tryingmum456 · 01/04/2025 00:56

Yes it was wrong but I also think he is very questionable. What a creep, I can imagine as a nearly 40 year old man and you had just became an adult, that he had taken advantage of you. I would stay away

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:07

I would like to add from the replies that at the time, I did know it was wrong and have never felt proud. If anything, as I was young I enjoyed the attention and obviously the excitement. I think more of what I question as I get older is was the age gap considered normal from someone’s else’s perspective as I’ve only ever had my own to go from and as I never once felt used, I always felt like I justified it.

OP posts:
OneRainyNight · 01/04/2025 01:21

What is it with all these age gap posts lately, mostly from people saying age gaps where one is very young are ok?

Most people would be pretty disgusted with someone of almost 40 dating someone who is still a teenager, who is only just an adult, never mind the fact that the older one was married with a child.

You’re older now and should realise that it was wrong. You don’t seem to know it was wrong so maybe get some therapy to help you realise how fucked up it was for both you and this man to do.

Thats if it’s even real of course.

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 01:24

Bourbonbonbon · 01/04/2025 00:54

Obviously he took advantage of your young age and he was the one cheating.

I don't think it's helpful for any stranger to comment on whether you should have known better. There are so many variables. I don't think you should carry a burden of guilt after so many years and I'm sure you wouldn't do the same thing again.

This!

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:25

OneRainyNight · 01/04/2025 01:21

What is it with all these age gap posts lately, mostly from people saying age gaps where one is very young are ok?

Most people would be pretty disgusted with someone of almost 40 dating someone who is still a teenager, who is only just an adult, never mind the fact that the older one was married with a child.

You’re older now and should realise that it was wrong. You don’t seem to know it was wrong so maybe get some therapy to help you realise how fucked up it was for both you and this man to do.

Thats if it’s even real of course.

If it was even real? Why wouldn’t it be real? Ive not made it up for the sake of posting. I’ve made the post to hear others people opinions as I’ve only ever had my own due to never confiding in anyone else.

OP posts:
girljulian · 01/04/2025 01:28

He sounds like a creep, a bad situation all round, but you were only 19. I wouldn’t dwell on it.

Offwegotomarket · 01/04/2025 01:30

You were an adult teenager of course you must have known it was wrong.

Still, you were a teenager and being taken advantage of by a man nearly in his fourth decade, probably because of your naivety and limited life experience.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as it enables us to see these sleazy men for what they are.

Namechsnging · 01/04/2025 01:37

Hi OP,

Of course it was wrong of you to sleep with a married man and I'm sure you knew at the time. However you were 19, you were young, he was 39, he should of known better. Yes you are legally an adult at 19 but you are still very young at that age.

I've once been involved with a married man, no kids involved however he was very persuasive, controlling, love bombing. I ended up going no contact after nearly a year. He was also a fair bit older than me. Do I feel bad, yes. However I learnt to move on with my life and I do know he should of known better.

crumblingschools · 01/04/2025 01:45

What do you mean he has got back in touch?

R053 · 01/04/2025 01:46

Yes, I think with such a large age gap he would have had an advantage in selling you a false story and knowing how to flatter you (my wife doesn’t understand me etc). It also depends on your upbringing and your dating experience up until then too. Someone who was very sheltered and never had a boyfriend before might be “younger” than 19.

It might be worth talking to a counsellor? At 19 I was inexperienced and easily manipulated too and something like that would have affected me a lot, especially further down the track when understanding (and guilt) increases. For example when you become a mother, you understand a lot more about how actions affect others.

CheekyHobson · 01/04/2025 01:48

You knew it was wrong at the time to get into a secret relationship with a married man.

You sound like you were (understandably) naive at 19 and didn’t understand what a significant gap 20 years is, or the likelihood that his romantic claims were just a way to get and keep you in bed.

I judge what he did more severely than what you did, both because of the age inequality and the fact that he was the married one, but at the end of the day, what you did was wrong too.

FiveShelties · 01/04/2025 01:49

If I had slept with someone else's husband until I was 22, it would not be the age difference which would cause me to wonder if it was wrong.

AtlasPine · 01/04/2025 01:49

There is no lever which is flicked when we hit 18. You were terribly young and he should have known better. Would you at nearly 40 take a 19 year old lover?

I hope you’re ignoring his attempts at reconnecting though.

Jux · 01/04/2025 01:53

Ofc it was wrong.

kkloo · 01/04/2025 01:53

He’s a creep and I would consider it to be predatory.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 01/04/2025 02:05

Yes, of course it was morally wrong.

He betrayed his wife in every way possible, risked her sexual health, risked destroying her life and that of his child.

He also lied to, manipulated and used a woman young enough to be his daughter. And he picked a very young women precisely because she was easier to manipulate and lie to.

His behaviour was disgusting and inexcusable.

Assuming he’s still married, getting back in touch with you is also disgusting, but then I would guess he’s continued to cheat on his wife with other young women in the intervening years.

Your behaviour was also morally wrong. But yes, on a sliding scale he is more wrong than you if that’s important to you.

My sympathies are wholly with his wife.

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 02:13

crumblingschools · 01/04/2025 01:45

What do you mean he has got back in touch?

hes been sending the odd message checking in for the past 3 years. Now only last week he sent a big message saying he some things still make him think of me and he was wondering how I’ve been and what I’ve been up to now. @crumblingschools

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2025 02:16

Let if go. He manipulated you even if you don’t feel it now. I also had age gap ‘relationships’ with men, which in hindsight they must have been attached to someone else because of their lack of availability. I didn’t realise it at the time as I was very naive. I think in my mid 50s I am finally ready to explore the feeling that I was exploited. I think not wanting to look at it with fresh eyes is a protection mechanism to avoid the pain that young girl and young woman felt. I was 16 with the first. Then 19 with the second.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2025 02:17

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 02:13

hes been sending the odd message checking in for the past 3 years. Now only last week he sent a big message saying he some things still make him think of me and he was wondering how I’ve been and what I’ve been up to now. @crumblingschools

Show quote history

Ignore him. He’s an old man now.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 01/04/2025 02:20

Block him everywhere.

Don’t let him treat you so badly again a second time.

Assuming you are about 25 now, you have a world of options for relationships which would enhance your life, don’t put up with this grubby facsimile.

You are worth more.

Plantmother71 · 01/04/2025 22:53

CheekyHobson · 01/04/2025 01:48

You knew it was wrong at the time to get into a secret relationship with a married man.

You sound like you were (understandably) naive at 19 and didn’t understand what a significant gap 20 years is, or the likelihood that his romantic claims were just a way to get and keep you in bed.

I judge what he did more severely than what you did, both because of the age inequality and the fact that he was the married one, but at the end of the day, what you did was wrong too.

Edited

This. With bells on.

Unless of course you were a friend of the family in which case there’s no excuse and you knew at that time the betrayal you were committing (if the wife was also your friend).

Otherwise I’d chalk it up to being an immature adult with poor boundaries.

Haven’t RTFT but I see you say he’s contacted you again. He’s shown you he has no morals at all and will trample over people. He’s aging and is looking for the attention you once gave him. By now he’s likely got a shrivelled shrimp and, trust me, that won’t be hot. You can do better.