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Original poster

Talked about marriage this weekend. Help me unravel this…

60 replies

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 12:51

DP and I have been together 5 years. No DC, both 35. We don’t want DC. Cohabited for 3 years, very happy and contented relationship. Never discussed marriage but it is something I want.
went out Friday night, got drunk of course and I asked him if he’d thought about it. He was shocked that it was something I would like and said he’d marry me. I stupidly asked if that counted as being engaged and should I look at a ring and he said yes.
woke up sober Saturday and I asked him if he still wanted to marry me. He said of course he did, he would definitely marry me someday. I said I wasn’t in a rush, a couple of years would do me but I would like to get engaged. He said well we couldn’t tonight as we didn’t have a ring. I did say that really wasn’t what it was about. We sort of left it there, but I have the very big feeling that he regretted what he said when we were drunk and actually it isn’t something he wanted. Which if it is the case is a bit worrying - after this long if he doesn’t want that, I have little hope of him changing his mind from here and I want someone to love me enough that they DO want to marry me!
please be nice - I’m a bit flat today and all over the place!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 31/03/2025 13:02

Kindly, I’d ignore everything said while drunk. Drunk me has committed to plenty of things in the past that sober me wouldn’t have and marriage is far too big & important a chat to have had while drunk.

Have a proper conversation about it in a few days.

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 13:03

He said he wants to marry you both drunk and sober. Don't over think it.

Oneflightdown · 31/03/2025 13:06

Just leave it for a few days, if he doesn't initiate a conversation about it in the next couple of weeks bring it up then.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 14:26

Yes it was stupid talking about it at that point. Sort of just happened when a friend asked if we were engaged and he said ‘not yet’. I should’ve known better!

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 31/03/2025 14:43

'Not yet' is quite positive, but yes, it's a conversation to have when sober and in the cold light of day.
I'd not bring it up unless he does.

ForRareMauveOrca · 31/03/2025 14:54

If marriage is something you want then do bring the topic up again shortly …after 3 years, if it’s going to happen ever I would expect it to happen soon otherwise you will miss the boat ( unless you’d choose not to end the relationship if no proposal forthcoming)

ForRareMauveOrca · 31/03/2025 14:56

Ps please do make sure he definitely doesn’t want kids….men often have the option of waiting for the right woman to come along …then they decide they want kids after all!

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 14:58

No this is really something that is important enough to me to have serious thoughts about the relationship if we weren’t on the same page.
and no - definitely no children for either of us.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyLight · 31/03/2025 15:00

Drunk or hungover isn’t a great time to have the conversation. Have the conversation again in a few days. You can’t be engaged because he doesn’t have a ring is a rubbish excuse. You can go buy one later if a ring is important to one/both of you. There doesn’t need to be a big proposal either. If he wants to marry you when you have that conversation then there is no reason you aren’t engaged after that conversation.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 15:02

Exactly my thoughts on the matter @WhereIsMyLight

OP posts:
ForRareMauveOrca · 31/03/2025 15:02

@bitconfusedandnothopeful just to say it’s perfectly ok to give a time ultimatum to your partner if you do want to be married…I did so as it was a non negotiable for me to be married and we are still happy 25 yrs later!

Endofyear · 31/03/2025 15:04

Yeah I would wait a few days and then bring it up again. Let the dust settle and then see what he says. Be honest and tell him it's really important to you and you would like to get engaged and then married in a couple of years. If he's shifty or not sure after 5 years together, then you'll have to figure out how much more time you're willing to give him.

NimbleTiger · 31/03/2025 15:30

The 'not yet' reply regarding engagement makes me think he thought you didn't want that commitment and he could be secretly thrilled that you have brought it up. Maybe a discussion over a nice dinner might clear the air unless you're regretting the drunken chat ?

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 15:41

Yes I could see that @NimbleTiger - he has had doubts that he isn’t good enough for me and I was married and divorced years ago. He was very shocked when I told him that I wanted to get married. I did wonder with the no engagement without ring thing if he wanted to do it ‘properly’ - he did make a joke about needing a ring, even a haribo one.

OP posts:
IberianBird · 31/03/2025 15:57

Strange that you've been together for 5 years and lived together for several yet the topic of marriage has never come up. You guys need to sit down and seriously discuss this.

Sodthesystem · 31/03/2025 16:02

To be fair it sounds like you were trying to back out of things by saying 'not yet' and so he was like 'oh I don't have a ring anyway'. He probably feels disappointed that you were not excited by the prospect.

orangedream · 31/03/2025 16:04

He said of course he did, he would definitely marry me someday.

I can see how that isn't as enthusiastic as you'd like. It sounds like was surprised you'd considered marriage though. I'd let him process the idea for a little while before raising it again. But not for too long.

Sparklepoet · 31/03/2025 16:05

I would definitely want clarification on this, if it was important to me. Like PPs have said, maybe wait a few days and then bring it up again. I don't know if it would help to let him know beforehand that you want to talk about it? I know some people like to be prepared rather than have a "big issue" suddenly brought up when they're not expecting it. Maybe you could let him know the day before that you'd like a chat about it, just giving him a heads up.

There's nothing to feel awkward about, it's just wanting clarification on something that's important to you. And if he is clear and honest with you, whatever his response, you'll be able to work out the best way forward that works for you.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 16:12

Oh @Sodthesystemi can see why that might be the case. Tbh I’d marry him tomorrow in a private registry office wearing jeans and wellies, but I thought he’d rather give it more time!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 16:12

Ah balls. We really need to have a calm (and sober!!) discussion about this, I think we may have crossed wires going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 16:17

He’s just messaged and said he thinks we need to have a conversation about it when sober.

OP posts:
orangedream · 31/03/2025 16:24

At least he's not going to leave you hanging by pretending it never happened.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 16:27

No he wouldn’t do that. Very much not his style.

OP posts:
Middlechild3 · 31/03/2025 17:01

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 12:51

DP and I have been together 5 years. No DC, both 35. We don’t want DC. Cohabited for 3 years, very happy and contented relationship. Never discussed marriage but it is something I want.
went out Friday night, got drunk of course and I asked him if he’d thought about it. He was shocked that it was something I would like and said he’d marry me. I stupidly asked if that counted as being engaged and should I look at a ring and he said yes.
woke up sober Saturday and I asked him if he still wanted to marry me. He said of course he did, he would definitely marry me someday. I said I wasn’t in a rush, a couple of years would do me but I would like to get engaged. He said well we couldn’t tonight as we didn’t have a ring. I did say that really wasn’t what it was about. We sort of left it there, but I have the very big feeling that he regretted what he said when we were drunk and actually it isn’t something he wanted. Which if it is the case is a bit worrying - after this long if he doesn’t want that, I have little hope of him changing his mind from here and I want someone to love me enough that they DO want to marry me!
please be nice - I’m a bit flat today and all over the place!

Looks like you backtracked by saying you weren't in a rush, 2 years etc. Have the conversation sober.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 01/04/2025 16:28

He said of course he did, he would definitely marry me someday.

In my experience 'someday' never comes.