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Original poster

Talked about marriage this weekend. Help me unravel this…

60 replies

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 31/03/2025 12:51

DP and I have been together 5 years. No DC, both 35. We don’t want DC. Cohabited for 3 years, very happy and contented relationship. Never discussed marriage but it is something I want.
went out Friday night, got drunk of course and I asked him if he’d thought about it. He was shocked that it was something I would like and said he’d marry me. I stupidly asked if that counted as being engaged and should I look at a ring and he said yes.
woke up sober Saturday and I asked him if he still wanted to marry me. He said of course he did, he would definitely marry me someday. I said I wasn’t in a rush, a couple of years would do me but I would like to get engaged. He said well we couldn’t tonight as we didn’t have a ring. I did say that really wasn’t what it was about. We sort of left it there, but I have the very big feeling that he regretted what he said when we were drunk and actually it isn’t something he wanted. Which if it is the case is a bit worrying - after this long if he doesn’t want that, I have little hope of him changing his mind from here and I want someone to love me enough that they DO want to marry me!
please be nice - I’m a bit flat today and all over the place!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 06:19

Well we had the chat. He doesn’t see the point of marriage, marriages don’t last, it’s just a bit of paper etc. apparently doesn’t mean that one day he won’t want too etc. I feel absolutely crushed, I feel like I’m not good enough and just don’t know where to go from here. I love this man so bloody much but clearly he doesn’t feel the same.

OP posts:
Sparklepoet · 02/04/2025 06:42

@bitconfusedandnothopeful Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. That must have been heartbreaking to hear. But please don't see it as a reflection of you or your self worth. I think some men just don't feel comfortable with the idea of marriage (for many reasons), however much they love the person they are with. Sometimes it's all about timing too, and how they feel at certain points in their own life. It's so difficult though, especially as you thought this was where the relationship was heading towards.

I know it won't feel like it now, but I think it is good to have got clarity on this, rather than him dragging things on for years without a clear response. It's such a hard situation though, as you say you love him so much.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 06:50

Thank you @Sparklepoet for your kindness. I feel crushed to be honest, and yes heartbroken definitely covers it.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2025 07:00

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 06:19

Well we had the chat. He doesn’t see the point of marriage, marriages don’t last, it’s just a bit of paper etc. apparently doesn’t mean that one day he won’t want too etc. I feel absolutely crushed, I feel like I’m not good enough and just don’t know where to go from here. I love this man so bloody much but clearly he doesn’t feel the same.

Aww sorry, OP.

I think take some time to think about if it's a dealbreaker for you. Because it makes you feel like you're not good enough, be careful about deciding to accept continuing as you are. You deserve to feel enough.

I also don't like the "doesn’t mean that one day he won’t want to" bit - that's a cruel carrot on a stick kind of thing.

Either marriage is just a piece of paper and pointless, or it's something he may want someday - if he really believes it's meaningless etc etc, then he wouldn't add the maybe one day bit. Maybe the subtext is "with someone else". 🤔

Wilsonthedog · 02/04/2025 07:09

As PP said, there's a conflict between it being a meaningless bit of paper but also something he might want to do in the future. And if it is a meaningless bit of paper to him, surely he's happy enough to do it given it does mean something to you.
Sorry, OP. Can't have been nice to hear that.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 07:13

I really appreciate all the nice comments everyone. He’s gone to work - had to be out of the house very early and I’m struggling to function a bit. I feel very much like my world has shifted and I don’t know how to process it.

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 02/04/2025 07:16

It’s not a meaningless piece of paper, it brings all sorts of rights and financial protections (for both partners). And it’s a public commitment to each other. Far from meaningless

ETA I bet you’re reeling a bit now OP, I know the feeling, I had this with my ex. He wanted everything except marriage

SparklyGlitterballs · 02/04/2025 07:18

So those were his thoughts OP. Did you in turn tell him that marriage was very important to you and something you dearly wanted? If so, what was his reaction? It's not just about his thoughts, you have to let him know your desires too. I hope you can get this sorted with him.

Fictionreader100 · 02/04/2025 07:30

Have you told him it's important to you.
It sounds like you were pretty passive during that conversation , almost as if he was talking at you rather than with you.
Tonight when he gets back home you could say you don't feel the conversation is yet over and that you realise you want marriage and not having one is not how you want your relationship to go .
You could say you'd want to be booking one up ( even a simple registry office one ) within xxx of time or if he isn't ready to commit to that perhaps you need to question if he is the man for you .

Sparklepoet · 02/04/2025 07:50

It's a difficult situation but from my experience, men know if they want to get married or not. They can give excuses, eg it's just a bit of paper, it doesn't mean anything etc, but there is usually a deeper reason why they don't want to get married (they might not even know themselves what the deeper reason is). I don't think questioning them, or trying to explain your feelings about it to them will change anything. Or worse, trying to force the situation, so he feels compelled to go along with it, but will always be resentful.

The OP's partner knows how she feels about it. And he still doesn't want to get married.

It's painful and sad, but what I've realised is that sometimes love isn't enough for a relationship to work - you need other things, including compatability about life goals. @bitconfusedandnothopeful you deserve to live the life you want, feeling secure and loved in the way you want. And if it's not with your current partner, there will be someone else out there who does want the same thing!

Kitchensinktoday · 02/04/2025 07:56

Or worse, trying to force the situation, so he feels compelled to go along with it, but will always be resentful.

Yep, I pushed and pushed, got my wedding, then it all imploded 13 months later …

HopingForTheBest25 · 02/04/2025 08:09

The 'meaningless bit of paper' argument is flawed and insulting - if it's so meaningless, why wouldn't he want to do it because it's important to you? He knows full well that it has meaning - it gives you both legal rights and responsibilities and whether cohabiting couples like to admit it or not, it does change how society views your relationship. And it is an active demonstration of your commitment to each other. Dont be fooled into thinking he really doesn't get it - he does and for whatever reason he doesn't want it!

My dh wasn't enthusiastic about marriage when we were dating/living together. This was based on his own parents disaster of a marriage. But it was important to me and it came to be important to him. I think there's a differentiation to be made between people whose previous experiences have made them doubt marriage but who love you and want you to have this if it's important to you, so they prioritise it and those who use the 'meaningless bit of paper' argument to weasel out of a proper commitment because they just don't love you enough.

It's old fashioned but my mum always said that a man who really loves you will want to marry you. I think that's largely true tbh. I don't believe that in 5 years, the thought hasn't crossed his mind! Let's face it, we all know men who 'didn't believe in marriage' and when they broke up with their gf, ended up married to someone else within a couple of years.

Im really sorry OP. I think you need another conversation where you refute the 'bit of paper' crap and get to the root of why he doesn't want this. And decide your future from there. Personally I believe that you deserve to have a relationship where your partner really wants to marry you, since that is important to you and not someone for whom you are good enough to live with but not enough to commit to.

Fibrous · 02/04/2025 08:16

My DP said he didn’t want to get married. He doesn’t see the point, marriages fail, we’re not reliant on each other for money etc. I’ve respected that decision, we’ve been together 13 years so far. Just because he doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

We’re getting older now so I said to DP we will need some legal documents in place for pensions, wills, medical stuff so I’ve suggested we have a private civil partnership at some point and he’s agreed that would be sensible.

you need to explore his reasons a bit more and have a proper conversation about it. Maybe there’s a middle ground.

WhereIsMyLight · 02/04/2025 08:19

Ahh, the old bit of paper excuse. As others have said, if he really feels it’s just a bit of paper then he would do it because it’s important to you. He knows full well it isn’t just a bit of paper.

This doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. If he can’t see your worth, that’s a him problem. Don’t make any rash decisions now. Process your feelings. Then work out why marriage is important to you. When you work out why it’s important to you, you can then decide if it’s worth staying in the relationship with no marriage or leaving the relationship because he won’t give you something that is so important to you. Understanding why it’s important to you is crucial because you’re going to have another conversation and you need to articulate why it’s important and why you may be potentially leaving. If you decide to leave, it’ll help you stay strong in your resolve.

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 08:32

Thanks guys. He’s said this morning that he hasn’t said no, he’s just been caught off guard and he feels he is moving at a different pace to me. Surely it’s a pretty standard thing to think about at this point, and before?! I personally think if he isn’t there now he never will be.

OP posts:
Chezxx · 02/04/2025 08:42

5 years together and living together and he doesn't know?

Honestly OP, I think you are not compatible.
Time for you to say you actually need space because he is wasting your time.

Please do not settle for him.
So many women bitterly regret just accepting what they didn't want.

Thankfully you don't want children so you don't have that pressure.
If he really loved you, your happiness would be important to him.
He doesn't want to marry you, don't allow him waste your time.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/04/2025 08:43

Oh lovely, I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand you feeling as though your world isn't located quite where you thought it was.
Whether your relationship can weather this is the unknown, I suppose only you'll be able to tell as things progress.

harriethoyle · 02/04/2025 08:46

bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 08:32

Thanks guys. He’s said this morning that he hasn’t said no, he’s just been caught off guard and he feels he is moving at a different pace to me. Surely it’s a pretty standard thing to think about at this point, and before?! I personally think if he isn’t there now he never will be.

I think this is very insightful @bitconfusedandnothopeful although I appreciate you must be heartbroken feeling it. What else does he want from you for you to be deemed “good enough”? On the plus side because you don’t want DC you haven’t wasted your fertile years on him. Take some time to reassess things it must feel like your world has shifted on its axis Flowers

crumblingschools · 02/04/2025 08:53

Are your finances equal?

Original poster
bitconfusedandnothopeful · 02/04/2025 09:20

Yes @crumblingschools

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 09:28

Fibrous · 02/04/2025 08:16

My DP said he didn’t want to get married. He doesn’t see the point, marriages fail, we’re not reliant on each other for money etc. I’ve respected that decision, we’ve been together 13 years so far. Just because he doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

We’re getting older now so I said to DP we will need some legal documents in place for pensions, wills, medical stuff so I’ve suggested we have a private civil partnership at some point and he’s agreed that would be sensible.

you need to explore his reasons a bit more and have a proper conversation about it. Maybe there’s a middle ground.

I really agree with this.

If I’m being totally honest, if we didn’t have children together/ weren’t planning on having children together, I’d have the same mindset as your partner. Marriage for me was really just for legal protection & sharing a name with my kids, knowing that I was protected when I was going to be on maternity/working part time while raising children. If we weren’t planning on having children & had equal finances anyway, I’d have just seen it as a pointless expense and we wouldn’t have got married

Sassysoonwins · 02/04/2025 11:28

So sorry to hear this was his response OP. Its so hard when for you this is 'the one' and for them its more a 'nice to have'. Unfortunately, in my experience, men who say they don't see the point of marriage are, perhaps subconsciously, wanting to keep their options open. The stories of blokes saying they don't believe in marriage for years with one woman, then proposing to the next one within 6 months are legendary. They believe in it when they don't want to lose you. If it's just a bit of paper, why not do it? It's because it's a clear, public declaration of commitment, that's why.

BaronessBomburst · 02/04/2025 11:35

One of my school teachers once described marriage as a public declaration of a private commitment.
Aside from the rights and protections it affords, that's a good way to look at it.
You're hurt because he doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't want to publicly declare that commitment.

orangedream · 02/04/2025 11:44

That's very disappointing that you aren't on the same page about committment. Plenty of couples are happy to be together but not marry but it doesn't work when one would like to make that committment and the other doesn't.

His talk of 'maybe someday' is cruel as it keeps you hoping that he might eventually feel the same way about you that you feel about him. That would eat away at your self-worth.

Fibrous · 02/04/2025 12:32

Yeah the maybe someday is a bit worrying. My DP was a flat out no. He said he never wanted to get married, so I knew he meant it.