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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband scolded during sex

69 replies

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:36

Hey everyone, sth has been bothering me for some time now and I have no idea wether it's normal or not.
My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs now, but sex has become rather challenging in the past 2 years. As we both got snowed under with work, we both became less interested in sex. When my husband couldn't perfrorm he got frustrated, angry and distant. But when I was doing sth he didn't like, or there was aproblem with my position or things like that he sometimes lashes out, his face turns sour, scolds at me and walks away.
It has been heartbreaking since most of the times I have no idea what I've done wrong. This has made sex really stressful for me and I've lost my confidence. I want to confront him but wonder maybe it's my fault for not being good.

OP posts:
Zapx · 30/03/2025 20:38

There’s no way it’s your fault. And it sounds a truly bizarre/horrible reaction from him tbh.

Are you scared about discussing it with him?

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:45

Sex has become a particularly sensitive subject for him, so whenever I try to talk about it he either gets angry and tries to blame me for not figuring things down myself or gets really sad and even more insecure about sex. So yes, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells here.

OP posts:
winter8090 · 30/03/2025 20:47

What is he like out of the bedroom?

Of course his behaviour is wrong. It’s very unloving and cruel.

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:53

winter8090 · 30/03/2025 20:47

What is he like out of the bedroom?

Of course his behaviour is wrong. It’s very unloving and cruel.

I can say he is the kind of guy who gets upset with things easily. This senario happens with other things like house chores or food as well. He says I cannot expect him to suppress his emotions, but doesn't every grown-up do that when they try to discuss sth calmly?

OP posts:
PersephoneSmith · 30/03/2025 20:54

Does sth mean something? Or something else specific to your issue?

Ilovelurchers · 30/03/2025 20:55

When you say "lashes out" do you mean physically? Are you safe?

This is not acceptable in any way, even if it is "just" verbal abuse. It's also the last thing in the world likely to make you feel sexy! (Unless he was scolding you as part of a BDSM role play - but that should only ever be done if it's something you both enjoy and have agreed clear boundaries around beforehand).

In an ideal world you would be able to tell him, firmly, that there will be no more sex of any kind between you until he has apologised for his previous abusive behaviour, fully understood your feelings and promised to never speak or look at you unkindly during sex again. (That's if it has just been angry words - if he has been physically violent I think you should leave, now).

If he can't show contrition for his awful conduct I also think you should leave.

But please be careful what you say to him at this point if he has the potential to be violent. Possibly you should get advice from a women's charity like Rape Crisis or Women's Aid or similar, who can talk goh through your options, possible outcomes etc.

Oh, and whatever is happening during sexz it is not "your fault". Even if you lie there without moving - and frankly who could blame you, you must be petrified - nothing you can be doing would justify his awful conduct.

It's himself he should be angry with, for being an abusive dick. Nobody else.

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:57

PersephoneSmith · 30/03/2025 20:54

Does sth mean something? Or something else specific to your issue?

It just means something

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 30/03/2025 21:08

Any chance he’s cheating or interested in someone else and that’s why he’s making sex awkward/difficult?

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:09

Ilovelurchers · 30/03/2025 20:55

When you say "lashes out" do you mean physically? Are you safe?

This is not acceptable in any way, even if it is "just" verbal abuse. It's also the last thing in the world likely to make you feel sexy! (Unless he was scolding you as part of a BDSM role play - but that should only ever be done if it's something you both enjoy and have agreed clear boundaries around beforehand).

In an ideal world you would be able to tell him, firmly, that there will be no more sex of any kind between you until he has apologised for his previous abusive behaviour, fully understood your feelings and promised to never speak or look at you unkindly during sex again. (That's if it has just been angry words - if he has been physically violent I think you should leave, now).

If he can't show contrition for his awful conduct I also think you should leave.

But please be careful what you say to him at this point if he has the potential to be violent. Possibly you should get advice from a women's charity like Rape Crisis or Women's Aid or similar, who can talk goh through your options, possible outcomes etc.

Oh, and whatever is happening during sexz it is not "your fault". Even if you lie there without moving - and frankly who could blame you, you must be petrified - nothing you can be doing would justify his awful conduct.

It's himself he should be angry with, for being an abusive dick. Nobody else.

Thanks for your comment, it really made me feel stronger. No, he's not physically abusive, but you are absolutely right about that "look" he gives me. I believe I have no other option than to confront him as you said. I can't spend the rest of my life being terrified of having sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:13

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 30/03/2025 21:08

Any chance he’s cheating or interested in someone else and that’s why he’s making sex awkward/difficult?

Not that I know of, but I'll keep that in mind. At this point finding any explanation would be a comfort for me.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/03/2025 21:16

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:53

I can say he is the kind of guy who gets upset with things easily. This senario happens with other things like house chores or food as well. He says I cannot expect him to suppress his emotions, but doesn't every grown-up do that when they try to discuss sth calmly?

Show quote history

Why are you with someone who treats you like this and speaks to you like this? Why do you think any of this is acceptable?

Maitri108 · 30/03/2025 21:17

It could be any number of things OP. I'm taking a guess that he's watching porn and gets off on certain things and can't perform without it. He seems to be treating you like an actor who should know how to get him off.

Storming off, scowling at you and expecting you to perform are not the markers of a loving relationship.

Sex with your husband should be an expression of love and desire, not something that terrifies you.

He sounds very dominating and particular about what he wants. He also sounds like he can't have a discussion without getting defensive.

NameChangedOfc · 30/03/2025 21:19

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/03/2025 21:16

Why are you with someone who treats you like this and speaks to you like this? Why do you think any of this is acceptable?

Show quote history

Exactly.
OP, nothing about this is acceptable...

Gymbunny2025 · 30/03/2025 21:23

Does he have ED and is taking his frustration out on you? Either way completely unacceptable. I think if you’re at the stage of being scared to have sex with your husband (understandably) you need to consider divorce

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:27

You're both right. If you asked me I would probably say the same about someone else.
The thing is we're not like that all the time and we have our share of good times. But I'm afraid this behavior can't be tolerated for long no matter how much I love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:30

Maitri108 · 30/03/2025 21:17

It could be any number of things OP. I'm taking a guess that he's watching porn and gets off on certain things and can't perform without it. He seems to be treating you like an actor who should know how to get him off.

Storming off, scowling at you and expecting you to perform are not the markers of a loving relationship.

Sex with your husband should be an expression of love and desire, not something that terrifies you.

He sounds very dominating and particular about what he wants. He also sounds like he can't have a discussion without getting defensive.

Edited

I see, especially since he is kind of obsessive about some things. I never thought of the porn issue myself.

OP posts:
ERthree · 30/03/2025 21:30

I think your husband is cruel and mean.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 30/03/2025 21:32

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:13

Not that I know of, but I'll keep that in mind. At this point finding any explanation would be a comfort for me.

Show quote history

I’m not saying he is (it could be any number of things, like a PP said also watching too much porn) but the only time I’ve had sex issues I was being cheated on and I guess somewhere in his mind he was trying to create problems to justify it to himself.

I’ve also heard of someone who for whatever reason fell out of love with his partner and had to force himself to have sex, which in turn started making him resent her (she was not aware of any of this).

Whatever is going on is definitely within himself, not anything you’re doing.

Doolallies · 30/03/2025 21:36

It’s not quite the same here but I’ve had similar. The first time I was ever shocked by him during sex was when I asked him to go slower and he didn’t and I asked 3 more times before playfully pushing his chest and saying easy tiger. He then started shouting at me while we were still having sex and saying I had assaulted him. It was so bizarre.
It didn’t happen again for a while but then a year or so later he began getting annoyed during sex if I didn’t mind read what position he wanted next or if he tried to move my body in ways arms or legs don’t move. He would get sour and grumpy. It’s the least sexy thing ever.

and he wonders why I don’t seem into sex much these days and he says I have no libido or maybe I’m a lesbian. Honestly self reflection zero

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:38

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 30/03/2025 21:32

I’m not saying he is (it could be any number of things, like a PP said also watching too much porn) but the only time I’ve had sex issues I was being cheated on and I guess somewhere in his mind he was trying to create problems to justify it to himself.

I’ve also heard of someone who for whatever reason fell out of love with his partner and had to force himself to have sex, which in turn started making him resent her (she was not aware of any of this).

Whatever is going on is definitely within himself, not anything you’re doing.

Show quote history

I know, I'm trying not to read much into it.
Knowing that it's probably something else bothering him would help me gain my confidence back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:44

Doolallies · 30/03/2025 21:36

It’s not quite the same here but I’ve had similar. The first time I was ever shocked by him during sex was when I asked him to go slower and he didn’t and I asked 3 more times before playfully pushing his chest and saying easy tiger. He then started shouting at me while we were still having sex and saying I had assaulted him. It was so bizarre.
It didn’t happen again for a while but then a year or so later he began getting annoyed during sex if I didn’t mind read what position he wanted next or if he tried to move my body in ways arms or legs don’t move. He would get sour and grumpy. It’s the least sexy thing ever.

and he wonders why I don’t seem into sex much these days and he says I have no libido or maybe I’m a lesbian. Honestly self reflection zero

I can completely relate to how you're feeling. He is also not like this all the time, but when it happens more than a couple of times during years it kind of gets on your nerves.

OP posts:
LetGoLetThem1234 · 30/03/2025 21:46

Why do you continue to have sex with your husband when he behaves like this?Confused

I would not be having sex with him again. In order to have sex I need to feel safe. What keeps you going back and trying to have sex in a situation that sounds, from your description, like something your husband gets from you rather than an experience he shares with you ?

You deserve better.

TaupeMember · 30/03/2025 21:49

Porn

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:50

LetGoLetThem1234 · 30/03/2025 21:46

Why do you continue to have sex with your husband when he behaves like this?Confused

I would not be having sex with him again. In order to have sex I need to feel safe. What keeps you going back and trying to have sex in a situation that sounds, from your description, like something your husband gets from you rather than an experience he shares with you ?

You deserve better.

Thank you. It's not like this every time we have sex. I start trusting him again slowly but end up like this every 6 months or so.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/03/2025 21:51

To treat you so awfully at a time when you are likely at your most vulnerable is truly despicable. Have you addressed it with him at all? Has he ever reflected on his actions after he has behaved that way?

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