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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband scolded during sex

69 replies

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:36

Hey everyone, sth has been bothering me for some time now and I have no idea wether it's normal or not.
My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs now, but sex has become rather challenging in the past 2 years. As we both got snowed under with work, we both became less interested in sex. When my husband couldn't perfrorm he got frustrated, angry and distant. But when I was doing sth he didn't like, or there was aproblem with my position or things like that he sometimes lashes out, his face turns sour, scolds at me and walks away.
It has been heartbreaking since most of the times I have no idea what I've done wrong. This has made sex really stressful for me and I've lost my confidence. I want to confront him but wonder maybe it's my fault for not being good.

OP posts:
Islandme · 30/03/2025 21:53

I was going to say porn also, or is it possible he’s struggling to perform and when he’s suddenly unable to ‘perform’ he’s looking to blame you instead of address it ?

sorry edit to add either way his response is wholly unacceptable

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:55

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/03/2025 21:51

To treat you so awfully at a time when you are likely at your most vulnerable is truly despicable. Have you addressed it with him at all? Has he ever reflected on his actions after he has behaved that way?

I confronted him a couple of times and he aplogised once. The other time he said I should've known him better after all this time and should try harder to meet his needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:57

Islandme · 30/03/2025 21:53

I was going to say porn also, or is it possible he’s struggling to perform and when he’s suddenly unable to ‘perform’ he’s looking to blame you instead of address it ?

sorry edit to add either way his response is wholly unacceptable

Edited

I think it's the latter as well

OP posts:
AthWat · 30/03/2025 22:21

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:53

I can say he is the kind of guy who gets upset with things easily. This senario happens with other things like house chores or food as well. He says I cannot expect him to suppress his emotions, but doesn't every grown-up do that when they try to discuss sth calmly?

Show quote history

Yes. You can expect him to suppress his emotions. Yes, every adult does. Small children don't.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 30/03/2025 22:25

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:55

I confronted him a couple of times and he aplogised once. The other time he said I should've known him better after all this time and should try harder to meet his needs.

Show quote history

I don't understand why or how it is okay for him to speak and behave towards you in this manner? I should've known better after all this time and should try harder to meet his needs

Yeah, he's not that caring about your feelings is he? (Sorry to be harsh)

LillyPJ · 30/03/2025 22:26

It sounds to me like he's very insecure and perhaps sees any 'failure' in sex as somehow a reflection on him.

abracadabra1980 · 30/03/2025 22:30

It would take me 5 minutes to start to hate him for this behaviour. I could never forgive that behaviour.

Gymmum82 · 30/03/2025 22:31

So he has erectile dysfunction and is trying to blame you for it by not being good enough at sex.
What an absolute classic

MumWifeOther · 30/03/2025 22:34

Posted on wrong thread sorry

SparklyGlitterballs · 30/03/2025 22:38

Being allowed to express your emotions doesn't equate to verbally abusing your wife. This is not acceptable OP. Don't tolerate it.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 30/03/2025 22:41

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 21:55

I confronted him a couple of times and he aplogised once. The other time he said I should've known him better after all this time and should try harder to meet his needs.

Show quote history

So essentially the first time he tried to placate you but since then he hasn’t taken any responsibility and instead projects blame on to you. That doesn’t sound like a man who is going to change any time soon. That sounds like a man more comfortable with allowing you to feel like shit than to change.

RogueFemale · 30/03/2025 22:46

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 20:36

Hey everyone, sth has been bothering me for some time now and I have no idea wether it's normal or not.
My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs now, but sex has become rather challenging in the past 2 years. As we both got snowed under with work, we both became less interested in sex. When my husband couldn't perfrorm he got frustrated, angry and distant. But when I was doing sth he didn't like, or there was aproblem with my position or things like that he sometimes lashes out, his face turns sour, scolds at me and walks away.
It has been heartbreaking since most of the times I have no idea what I've done wrong. This has made sex really stressful for me and I've lost my confidence. I want to confront him but wonder maybe it's my fault for not being good.

It's not your fault. He's feeling insecure about his failure to 'perform', and blaming you - easier than confronting his insecurities.

I would move on and look for a kinder and nicer man, this one sounds horrible.

thenightsky · 30/03/2025 22:50

PersephoneSmith · 30/03/2025 20:54

Does sth mean something? Or something else specific to your issue?

I thought it meant 'this'.

katepilar · 30/03/2025 23:00

Thats wrong what he is doing.

Has he always been like that generally? Sounds like he is sensitive to any hint of rejection or critisim or hint of him doing something wrong? If so, that can be experiencing something what is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and should be addressed in therapy.

gerimander · 30/03/2025 23:08

I once had a partner who would snap at certain things during sex or foreplay. Just little things like ‘get off my arm’ or ‘pack it in touching my hair’ or similar. Silly things but said really irritably/aggressively and totally killed the mood for it. I think it’s because you’re almost vulnerable during sex and so someone being like that takes you out of the moment completely and just makes you feel like shit.
Blaming you is not ok and as others have said it’s almost certainly his own frustration at himself rather than anything you’ve done wrong. But he shouldn’t be doing it and is damaging your sex life and confidence immeasurably. It would put me off having sex with him completely.

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 23:09

katepilar · 30/03/2025 23:00

Thats wrong what he is doing.

Has he always been like that generally? Sounds like he is sensitive to any hint of rejection or critisim or hint of him doing something wrong? If so, that can be experiencing something what is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and should be addressed in therapy.

More or less, he is rather sensitive to criticism unless you have a full lecture prepared based on facts, evidence and logical theories to backup your speech.
Thanks I will look up for RSD online.

OP posts:
CATomas · 30/03/2025 23:09

Tell him you're interested in anything he wants to do. Talk it up. Offer suggestions. Don't be needy. If he still does not want to play, its over.

Original poster
Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 23:11

CATomas · 30/03/2025 23:09

Tell him you're interested in anything he wants to do. Talk it up. Offer suggestions. Don't be needy. If he still does not want to play, its over.

Thanks, will try that.

OP posts:
Ilikeadrink14 · 30/03/2025 23:18

thenightsky · 30/03/2025 22:50

I thought it meant 'this'.

Show quote history

This was explained upthread!

AnotherNaCha · 30/03/2025 23:20

Do you know about DARVO? Look it up. Sounds like he’s doing this, it’s a manipulation technique to deny, attack and reverse victim an and offender - ie blaming you for everything so he doesn’t need to take responsibility. It’s emotionally abusive

Thelnebriati · 30/03/2025 23:23

Making you guess what he wants you to do to prevent his outbursts is also emotional abuse.

Franjipanl8r · 30/03/2025 23:26

I’d ask him to get couples counselling. If he refuses then end it. He’s either extremely stressed or a horrible person or both.

GildedRage · 30/03/2025 23:48

sounds like erectile dysfunction on some level.
due to porn or health reasons.
if he needs you to be in a certain position for a certain length of time for him to be stimulated HE needs to verbally communicate that to you.
you are not a mind reader nor are you a gumby toy that can bend in half.
as long as it's not painful i would suggest he does what he wants to do while directing you (most likely no joy for you at this occasion).
and see if that's helpful for next time and can be incorporated into your sex life (of course he can't be selfish and only take care of his needs either).

but this is a him issue not you.

dontcryformeargentina · 30/03/2025 23:50

He is devaluing you. Why you are letting him to treat you like this?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/03/2025 00:23

Nizagirl · 30/03/2025 23:11

Thanks, will try that.

Show quote history

No, FFS. Do not try that. Listen to what the majority of us are saying. You are not a fucktoy to bend to his will nor are you required to be a receptacle for his rage. Stop trying to please and appease this horrid man.