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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of 3 yrs told me he’s not excited about marriage

81 replies

Mandy1102 · 28/03/2025 21:27

Hi!

My boyfriend who I’ve lived for 2 years just told me tonight (out of kindness I suppose) that he looked at engagement rings the other week because he was going to propose but when he went to the shop he said he didn’t feel excited. He said he remembers the ‘negative’ things about me and it made him confused and so didn’t proceed to buying a ring. These ‘bad’ things he said he’s referring to are arguments / instability we had in the first year of dating. Admittedly I had huge anxiety / trauma issues back then due to abusive / poor previous relationships so I was unstable in the first year but I sought therapy and soon learnt my partner was stable and loving.

we both contribute a lot to the relationship.We both provide each other with love, support and care. We are so close. I cook for him all the time, I make his lunch. He has an absolutely passion for food and it makes him happy. I love doing it and I love making his life easier. I show him so love and affection as does he so it was a genuine surprise when he said that he’s not ‘excited’.

I now feel major guilt and beating myself up at the insecure, jealous and maybe ‘crazy’ person I was 6 months into our relationship. Bur he never mentioned to me anything before? He never told me he was concerned for our future from my initial mental health. But then I grew, and I’ve been very healthy since. But maybe I traumatised my boyfriend. I never knew until he said it today. I feel horrific.

he says he loves me so much and wants to stay with me when I suggested maybe I’m not the right person for him if he felt like this. I told him it’s unfair to stay with me if he felt this way but he said he loves me more than anything in the world?

This isn’t a very transparent post right now because but I feel awfully confused, heartbroken. .

I’m really grateful for him letting me know. He wants to hug and cuddle in bed to soothe but I’m downstairs eating my dinner because I’m just a little confused and need time to process

we are 26 so there is no rush for a proposal but I don’t know if I’m ever going to see past the brutal honestly of the fact he didn’t feel excitement because now I’m always going to be wondering.

it goes without saying I wouldn’t want him to propose if he wasn’t ready. No one should do that. But do we wait another 3 years? What if he feels the same way?

I’m so confused and would like some rational thoughts / comments to help guide me!

OP posts:
Dollshousedolly · 28/03/2025 21:32

Honestly, he sounds horrible and controlling. He knew well telling you this would shatter you and this is his way of getting you to do even more running after him.

HeddaGarbled · 28/03/2025 21:32

It’s called negging and it seems to be working very well for him. You need to dump him before he destroys your self-esteem entirely (though you may already be there).

Original poster
Mandy1102 · 28/03/2025 21:35

HeddaGarbled · 28/03/2025 21:32

It’s called negging and it seems to be working very well for him. You need to dump him before he destroys your self-esteem entirely (though you may already be there).

But it might really be true that he’s not excited. And that’s nothing I can fix because I truly believe I’ve been the best girlfriend I could be. But he doesn’t want to break up and he still wants to cuddle and be cute virtually immediately after telling me this’s I’m so confused and unsure how to act going forward

OP posts:
cranberryshortcake · 28/03/2025 21:36

I read the first bit where you say he said he’s not excited, and didn’t read the rest because right there I can see already he’s mean and can only be saying that to you for one reason. To cause you guilt and pain.

Drop him.

teap0t13 · 28/03/2025 21:36

He sounds awful

HeddaGarbled · 28/03/2025 21:36

Negging in Relationships
Negging can also occur in established relationships. It may take the form of insults or criticism disguised as “constructive feedback,” or attempts to control how a partner looks, acts, and behaves. In these cases, negging is often used as a way to maintain power in the relationship.
Negging can be especially damaging when it’s done by someone who claims to love and care for their partner—this kind of negging undermines trust and can lead to feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem over time

2Hot2Handle · 28/03/2025 21:40

I agree with @Dollshousedolly . If I were you, I would tell him that you’ve been thinking about what he said and you’re not sure you’d feel comfortable making a long-term commitment (whether married,
or not) to someone who hasn’t been honest about his feelings until now and could pull the plug at any given moment, if you don’t “behave” the way he wants.

Ask him what steps he’s taking to overcome these insecurities and lack of ability to speak up at the time things are happening. You’ll find out whether he’s willing to do any work on himself, or whether he expects you to change in a way that meets his needs (without really knowing what those needs are, by the way, because if you’re both in a good place right now, what else could you possibly do?!)

Original poster
Mandy1102 · 28/03/2025 21:45

2Hot2Handle · 28/03/2025 21:40

I agree with @Dollshousedolly . If I were you, I would tell him that you’ve been thinking about what he said and you’re not sure you’d feel comfortable making a long-term commitment (whether married,
or not) to someone who hasn’t been honest about his feelings until now and could pull the plug at any given moment, if you don’t “behave” the way he wants.

Ask him what steps he’s taking to overcome these insecurities and lack of ability to speak up at the time things are happening. You’ll find out whether he’s willing to do any work on himself, or whether he expects you to change in a way that meets his needs (without really knowing what those needs are, by the way, because if you’re both in a good place right now, what else could you possibly do?!)

Thank you! I will do this. It is obvious he doesn’t want to break up and he seems truly shocked at himself that he didn’t feel this ‘excitement’. it really is shattering hearing that he’s not ‘excited’ when he looked at rings because I genuinely haven’t even had a doubt that things were off these last 2 years.

the truth does hurt and if he doesn’t see a future with me there isn’t much mileage staying together

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 28/03/2025 21:46

Sorry OP but he sounds awful. Cruel & controlling. He wants you grateful for any shall crumbs he gives you

He’s not a keeper

JenniferBooth · 28/03/2025 21:46

Mandy1102 · 28/03/2025 21:45

Thank you! I will do this. It is obvious he doesn’t want to break up and he seems truly shocked at himself that he didn’t feel this ‘excitement’. it really is shattering hearing that he’s not ‘excited’ when he looked at rings because I genuinely haven’t even had a doubt that things were off these last 2 years.

the truth does hurt and if he doesn’t see a future with me there isn’t much mileage staying together

Show quote history

"well im not excited about having your children"

2025willbemytime · 28/03/2025 21:48

What does he do for you to make you feel loved while you're busy feeding his tummy?

This is not a healthy and forever relationship. In trying to control you, make you feel insecure and have you all anxious again, he's actually done you a huge favour if only you take note.

Mumlaplomb · 28/03/2025 21:49

OP come on now read that post back. If a friend told you their partner said that to them what would you think? I’d say he sounds hideous and bin him off x

S0dsc0leslaw · 28/03/2025 21:54

Please try to realise that he isn't confused, he is trying to manipulate you. There was no need for him to tell you that until he had a handle on it. If he he loved you he wouldnt have said anything like that unless he had more clarity as anyone with half a brain knows that it's a hurtful thing to say. He told you that to squash you. He wants you off kilter.

GN2MN · 28/03/2025 21:58

I smell control and coercion. Strongly. You're his servant - not a girlfriend pleasing him with food.
"he still wants to cuddle and be cute virtually immediately after telling me this" well doesn't he fancy his chances tonight and think himself adorable? He has no respect for you or your feelings.
Get rid of him. Pronto. And don't look back.

category12 · 28/03/2025 21:59

He's fucking with you.

It's a power trip.

I think he's another abusive guy, just taken a while to show it in more subtle ways, by making out he's some sort of victim.

Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2025 22:00

It’s fair enough to say that at 26 there are logistical reasons not to get married quite yet. As long as you aren’t having children soon there is no rush.

if you aren’t pretty darn sure after 3 years, it’s time to move on. If it’s the right person, there won’t be any real doubt. There might be a bit of fear of making such a big commitment, but you won’t doubt that this is your person.

The excitement will be real

Hillcrest2022 · 28/03/2025 22:01

Stop cooking for him for a start ! The set up is all very convenient for him and he's not bothered to change it if he can still get the easy life without additional commitment.

CarrotParrot · 28/03/2025 22:03

He's cruel, he doesn't want to be engaged to you (although he knows you want that) and he thought that having upset you you'd have sex with him to make him happy, and keep you where he wants you. Cooking for him, stroking his ego, and sleeping with him.

LentLily25 · 28/03/2025 22:03

Tell him you’re not excited by cooking for him and send him to the corner shop for a Pot Noodle.

GN2MN · 28/03/2025 22:05

CarrotParrot nails it imo.

LentLily25 · 28/03/2025 22:09

CarrotParrot · 28/03/2025 22:03

He's cruel, he doesn't want to be engaged to you (although he knows you want that) and he thought that having upset you you'd have sex with him to make him happy, and keep you where he wants you. Cooking for him, stroking his ego, and sleeping with him.

Exactly.

GN2MN · 28/03/2025 22:10

The wise MNers are showing you the wood whereas you're only seeing the trees.
Honestly, someone far better is out there for you.

waitingquietly · 28/03/2025 22:11

Do you have a caring family member or close friend in real life that you can talk to and tell them what he’s said to you OP . He is not what you think he is at all . He’s manipulative and cruel .

ShouldIEvenBother · 28/03/2025 22:13

2Hot2Handle · 28/03/2025 21:40

I agree with @Dollshousedolly . If I were you, I would tell him that you’ve been thinking about what he said and you’re not sure you’d feel comfortable making a long-term commitment (whether married,
or not) to someone who hasn’t been honest about his feelings until now and could pull the plug at any given moment, if you don’t “behave” the way he wants.

Ask him what steps he’s taking to overcome these insecurities and lack of ability to speak up at the time things are happening. You’ll find out whether he’s willing to do any work on himself, or whether he expects you to change in a way that meets his needs (without really knowing what those needs are, by the way, because if you’re both in a good place right now, what else could you possibly do?!)

Spot on suggestion here - for more reasons than one.

HelloVeraPlant · 28/03/2025 22:15

Why on earth would you come home to tell your partner this! Sorry but this sounds very sinister.

If that is how he felt he should have just told you how he felt - but I think it’s insane that he is digging up the past like that. What does he expect you to do with this information.

I agree with everyone else - leave the relationship. No one should make you feel worse. You should feel relaxed and at your best in a relationship - even if you are not - he should make you feel good about yourself.