Partner of 3 yrs told me he’s not excited about marriage

[Mandy1102]

Hi!

My boyfriend who I’ve lived for 2 years just told me tonight (out of kindness I suppose) that he looked at engagement rings the other week because he was going to propose but when he went to the shop he said he didn’t feel excited. He said he remembers the ‘negative’ things about me and it made him confused and so didn’t proceed to buying a ring. These ‘bad’ things he said he’s referring to are arguments / instability we had in the first year of dating. Admittedly I had huge anxiety / trauma issues back then due to abusive / poor previous relationships so I was unstable in the first year but I sought therapy and soon learnt my partner was stable and loving.

we both contribute a lot to the relationship.We both provide each other with love, support and care. We are so close. I cook for him all the time, I make his lunch. He has an absolutely passion for food and it makes him happy. I love doing it and I love making his life easier. I show him so love and affection as does he so it was a genuine surprise when he said that he’s not ‘excited’.

I now feel major guilt and beating myself up at the insecure, jealous and maybe ‘crazy’ person I was 6 months into our relationship. Bur he never mentioned to me anything before? He never told me he was concerned for our future from my initial mental health. But then I grew, and I’ve been very healthy since. But maybe I traumatised my boyfriend. I never knew until he said it today. I feel horrific.

he says he loves me so much and wants to stay with me when I suggested maybe I’m not the right person for him if he felt like this. I told him it’s unfair to stay with me if he felt this way but he said he loves me more than anything in the world?

This isn’t a very transparent post right now because but I feel awfully confused, heartbroken. .

I’m really grateful for him letting me know. He wants to hug and cuddle in bed to soothe but I’m downstairs eating my dinner because I’m just a little confused and need time to process

we are 26 so there is no rush for a proposal but I don’t know if I’m ever going to see past the brutal honestly of the fact he didn’t feel excitement because now I’m always going to be wondering.

it goes without saying I wouldn’t want him to propose if he wasn’t ready. No one should do that. But do we wait another 3 years? What if he feels the same way?

I’m so confused and would like some rational thoughts / comments to help guide me!

No, he’s not being cautious. He manipulative, calculated and nasty.
If he was just cautious he wouldn’t announce to the OP that he’d had second thoughts about proposing because of her previous difficulties. He’d just wait it out a bit longer and not mention his decision to not buy a ring.

It sounds like he really likes being waited on hand and foot by you but wants to keep his options open for someone else to shag (if he isn't already)

When you dump this pos and find someone else please don't do so much for them straight off, put yourself own interests first, stop cooking lunches and dinners for men without reciprocation.
When you do these things for them they don't think " oh she's done xyz for me, she's such a lovely person, I'm so lucky to have a caring gf "
Instead they think " I'm such a good guy, that's why she does xyz for me, because I deserve it "
They already feel entitled to you, stop encouraging it, value yourself first before any man.

Forget about what he wants — what do you want? I couldn’t be doing with some doofus who bumbled along in life and only when actually in the act of buying a ring to propose with realised he didn’t want to marry you. He has the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon. Think again.

This. Move on. Dont waste time.

OP it must be hard to read the pretty much unanimous verdict on your bf.

What he said and did yesterday was absolutely appalling. I don’t even believe he went to look for rings. This was a cruel device to get you trying harder and harder to win him over. And to make you think it’s your fault - it isn’t by the way.

Please do not waste any more time with this man. You’re still young enough to meet the man who wants to marry and cherish you.

You need to leave. He’ll probably suddenly realise he is excited to get engaged if you do. But you can bet the wedding date will be the next thing he puts off and off.

Please stop making him all his meals and giving cuddles on demand. What a twat. If there’s a spare room move into it until you can separate.

💐

What he said and did yesterday was absolutely appalling. I don’t even believe he went to look for rings. This was a cruel device to get you trying harder and harder to win him over

I agree with this. He didn’t look at rings, he’s trying to keep you focused on looking after his needs, so that if you’re “good enough” he may be excited about marrying you later.

Tell one of your friends or a family member about this OP. Tell them that “(Partner) told me he was looking at engagement rings but changed his mind because he didn’t feel excited about marrying me”. See how it sounds out loud, and let their reactions help you find your self-worth and dump this negging twat.

Please don’t stay with him. He’s trying to manipulate you in to trying even harder to please him. He will never be satisfied and you will be miserable

His whole plan is to make you feel confused so you bust a gut to try and be perfect. This can never work. End it now.

So how did this conversation start?

Were you talking about marriage and then he said this?

Or, as I suspect, did he suddenly just say that he thought he might propose and then didn’t because he wasn’t excited looking at rings?

There’s only one reason why someone would do that. And that is to cause hurt.

I very much doubt he’s shocked that he wasn’t excited, but he clearly talks a good game.

Get rid.

If he can't get past the first 6 months, why's he kept seeing you .... and getting you invested, wasting your time etc ?

He sounds (at best) like a contrary, self indulgent naval gazer.

One who needs to.learn to not run off at the mouth.

And someone who taints a (supposed to be) romantic, lovely proposal and life commitment by telling their partner "I went to look for engagement rings, but then I thought about how insecure etc you were in the first 6 months and I don't actually even feel like I want to marry you"????
No matter what happened after that, he's just horribly tainted any commitment in the relationship.

Who says that out loud, even if they're thinking it?
TMI, has he got a brain?

As for the posters who think it's a power strategy - I have to say they may have a point.

It sounds like he's already got the relationship dynamic as one where you're grateful, submissive, eager to please, trying to prove yours a "good" girlfriend etc. And the fact that he feels free to say something like this to you without remotely fearing you replying "oh really, well do fuck off then" and dumping him/moving on; says a lot too.

This does not remotely sound like a healthy, equal relationship dynamic.

He's telling you you're not the one and he doesn't want to marry you. Please listen to him. He's using you for meals and sex. This is not your fault and he shouldn't be bringing up past issues and holding them against you this is not how healthy relationship work. I would get back to therapy to work on your self esteem before your next relationship. A normal reaction to what he said to you would be to get angry and tell him what he can do with his ring. Not to start blaming yourself. Hold your head up and walk you deserve more.

It's not you, it's him. I've been there and got the t-shirt. It happens to the best of us.

In amongst my history of healthy past relationships, I got completely reeled in once for a long time. Couldn't see the wood for the trees but it starts with the lovebombing which takes you off guard and then slowly there you are, the frog in the now boiling water....

Ironically, he finished with me immediately after he'd had me financially support him for a number of months to start a new career. During this period of financial support, he was actually seeing the ex he always presented to me as having two-timed him and been extremely unreasonable and he left me for her.

Thankfully, this freed me up to have time to recover and then get together with my now husband, who is nothing like this.

Some reading for you.

inwardhealingtherapy.com/blog/the-narcissist-checklist-is-someone-in-your-life-playing-you

💯

Not a keeper

There was no reason for him to tell you, OP, even if he felt hesitant. It’s cruel and hurtful to share something like that, and manipulative to then still want everything to go on as is in the relationship. He’s playing controlling mind games to keep you off-balance and pandering to him. I’d get out now.

You've bent over backwards to be the girlfriend he wants and imagined, and yet he decided to tell you that looking at engagement rings for you didn't fill him with excitement due to your flaws! He had absolutely no need to tell you this at all. The only reason he told you, is because he wanted you to feel hurt, anxious and even more willing to be how he wants. He's been very slowly and discreetly eroding your self-esteem away. It's been so slight, that you haven't really noticed, until now. Look at his admission, that actually he's not the man for you, and you'd be better off finding a decent man who treats you as an equal. If you stay with him, you'll end up an anxious mess with mental health issues, that he'll throw at you at any given time. Having you compliant is what he wants, and he will use every trick in the book to achieve it. Do not continue with the relationship, never marry him and for the love of God, do not have children with this man.

the truth does hurt and if he doesn’t see a future with me there isn’t much mileage staying together
I think you have the answer there.

You’ve focused on him saying he wasn’t excited. It wasn’t just that, he also he’d reflected on all the negative things about you. He’s told you that he dislikes enough things about you to not want to marry you.

He didn’t need to say any of that. There are much kinder ways of telling someone their future isn’t going to be as they’d hoped or ending a relationship. You deserve better

I think he is a narcissist. What he's done re the ring / engagement is truly horrible.

But he did it to achieve his end game - no marriage, you doing more than ever for him to try to make things better....win win for him

Get out. Leave ASAP

What would happen if you were to suggest still dating each other but living apart? then he'd have to cook his own dinners and make his own packed lunch.

You’re in an abusive relationship. That’s an awful thing to say to someone. Maybe try some more therapy so you can unpack why you’re willing to be with a man who would be so cruel to you? There’s really no coming back from that comment. It’s wildly emotionally abusive and just plain mean.

he still wants to cuddle and be cute virtually immediately after telling me this

Does this mean have sex, @Mandy1102?

Wow - almost 100% LTB!
I read it completely differently.

When I got married, almost 20 years ago, I remember a chat with the priest. He said that some couples get married, completely in love, seeing no obstacles. Other couples, usually older, see all the potential obstacles - which mean they are quite happy to continue in a relationship but don't want to marry. Then there are the couples in between - they see obstacles but want to make a commitment to each other and are prepared to work on things. They don't expect marriage and then 'happily ever after'. I think this is because H and I were <ahem> an older couple. 😁

Having a bit of cold feet isn't a LTB to me. Of course you are not perfect, and don't beat yourself up over that. Neither is he. But do you think you could make each other happy? Who would you like by your side when the going gets tough? A BF who is weighing up the pros and cons of marriage is not a 'Bad Un' to me. i wouldn't at all LTB over just this

I was going to say, ‘well done on overcoming your previous difficult relationships’, but having reread your OP I’m not sure you have- you’ve been trained not to question him, not to be suspicious of him, and now to know it’s your fault that he isn’t ready to commit. You’ve internalised that all relationship problems are your fault.

Have you done the freedom programme? You may need a look at it. You will see some patterns you’ve fallen into, and how to break them.

Also, never do therapy with a man- do it on your own. A man like yours can manipulate everything to his advantage.

Your 26 and you have worked hard on your pass issues. You have been a good girlfriend cooking, cleaning, providing regular sex and if your living with him your paying half the bills.
You were happy and thinking that after 3 years together that your relationship was going towards marriage. He comes home and says that he looked at engagement rings but he was not excited about this and then decides to tell you in his eyes everything that wrong with you.

That's the cruelest thing I have ever heard to say to someone. Meanwhile he thinks that your going to stay with him and try harder to keep him. He thinks your going to stay there until in his eyes someone better comes along.

I know that your very upset and unhappy over this and think how can I make this better. The truth is that no matter what you do for him he is never going to change.
Early on in your relationship you had some issues that you worked on and dealt with.
He has been ebbing away at your self confidence for year's.

I would sit down and tell him that after he decided not to buy you an engagement ring and pointing out all your so called faults you realised that he does not care for you.
Tell him I can see that this so called relationship is going no where so your ending things with him. Tell him he needs time on his own to work on his own issues, cook his own dinner, do his own washing and to grow up because you deserve to be with someone far better than him.

I know this won't be easy after spending 3 years with someone. At 26 you have time to do the freedom program and learn to see the red flags, spend some time on building up your own confidence and find a far better man than this waste of space.