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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of 3 yrs told me he’s not excited about marriage

81 replies

Mandy1102 · 28/03/2025 21:27

Hi!

My boyfriend who I’ve lived for 2 years just told me tonight (out of kindness I suppose) that he looked at engagement rings the other week because he was going to propose but when he went to the shop he said he didn’t feel excited. He said he remembers the ‘negative’ things about me and it made him confused and so didn’t proceed to buying a ring. These ‘bad’ things he said he’s referring to are arguments / instability we had in the first year of dating. Admittedly I had huge anxiety / trauma issues back then due to abusive / poor previous relationships so I was unstable in the first year but I sought therapy and soon learnt my partner was stable and loving.

we both contribute a lot to the relationship.We both provide each other with love, support and care. We are so close. I cook for him all the time, I make his lunch. He has an absolutely passion for food and it makes him happy. I love doing it and I love making his life easier. I show him so love and affection as does he so it was a genuine surprise when he said that he’s not ‘excited’.

I now feel major guilt and beating myself up at the insecure, jealous and maybe ‘crazy’ person I was 6 months into our relationship. Bur he never mentioned to me anything before? He never told me he was concerned for our future from my initial mental health. But then I grew, and I’ve been very healthy since. But maybe I traumatised my boyfriend. I never knew until he said it today. I feel horrific.

he says he loves me so much and wants to stay with me when I suggested maybe I’m not the right person for him if he felt like this. I told him it’s unfair to stay with me if he felt this way but he said he loves me more than anything in the world?

This isn’t a very transparent post right now because but I feel awfully confused, heartbroken. .

I’m really grateful for him letting me know. He wants to hug and cuddle in bed to soothe but I’m downstairs eating my dinner because I’m just a little confused and need time to process

we are 26 so there is no rush for a proposal but I don’t know if I’m ever going to see past the brutal honestly of the fact he didn’t feel excitement because now I’m always going to be wondering.

it goes without saying I wouldn’t want him to propose if he wasn’t ready. No one should do that. But do we wait another 3 years? What if he feels the same way?

I’m so confused and would like some rational thoughts / comments to help guide me!

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 28/03/2025 22:24

This is a very shabby way of treating you. Stop cooking for him - tell him it isn’t exciting for you

MarkingBad · 28/03/2025 22:34

OP if he cared one jot for you he wouldn't have said any of this, he would have been honest that he just doesn't want to get married, not made up some bullshit story to excuse himself.

He must have seen how you have changed throughout your relationship, it happens a lot when one partner grows from when they started the relationship. They see they are losing their initial control of you, in your case, you being jealous. Now you are happier and more trusting he knows he can't control you in the same easy way as keeping you jealous, worried, and distracted. That's where the negging comes in, it distracts you from the real issues in your relationship and keeps you permanently confused and under his thumb.

What you want to do about it is up to you.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 28/03/2025 22:34

What kind of a despicable, cruel bastard would actually tell his partner he went to buy her an engagement ring and then decided against it because there are some things about her he doesn't like?

No kind, loving, caring person would ever do something so deliberately hurtful.

Sorry OP, but you have gone straight from one abusive relationship to another. He might be different from your previous partner(s) but he is just as abusive.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 28/03/2025 22:40

Calm as fuck go look at him with an emotionless face and tell him that's okay but you deserve someone excited to marry you and walk away. He belongs with the rats

Alwaystired23 · 28/03/2025 22:42

I remember my ex saying something similar to me once. He was keeping me in my place. I was good enough to live with, share a house, mortgage and pets, but marry? No. A year later I'd broken up with him and had met someone else. Funny how my ex was then so sure, that yes he did actually want to marry me. It was too late by then. I'd completely fallen out of love with him. I've been happily married to that someone else for 16 years, and I don't regret for a single second walking away from someone like my ex. Twat.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 28/03/2025 22:45

What kind of sick, twisted individual would do something so hurtful as to use your trauma due to prior abuse as a stick to beat you with?

You need to leave him before he destroys you completely.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 28/03/2025 22:49

What a fucking bastard. You can do better than this arsehole, OP, come on. Tell him to fuck off, with his “oh, I nearly bought you an engagement ring but then I remembered a time when you annoyed me so I didn’t” manipulative shite. Utter manchild prick.

SwordOfOmens · 28/03/2025 22:50

He wants to end the relationship. Dump him, he doesn't deserve you!

Remaker · 28/03/2025 22:57

When he’s looking around for his next lovely meal tell him you walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge but then you realised you weren’t excited to cook for him. And that you’re definitely not excited to cuddle in bed after he’s just torn your self esteem to shreds.

Please don’t settle for this man. One of my friends married a guy like this. He’d once taken her out for dinner for her birthday and spent the evening listing her faults. He’s a boring, average looking, not particularly bright man who convinced my beautiful intelligent funny friend that she was lucky to have him and that he was so kind to tolerate her many failings. And then he dragged her away to live in a dull city away from her friends and I never see her anymore.

Millyjanice · 28/03/2025 22:57

Time to dump him,OP.
If he was truly loving, you’d be feeling no confusion at all.

You’re confused because things don’t add up and he feels”off”. That’s because he is.
Value yourself more than he does.

Just say “I can’t feel excited being with you, so there’s no point continuing this relationship”
Find someone who does feel the excitement of being with you.

This guy just wants to keep you running around after him. This is a form of psychological abuse.
However hard you try, you will never be good enough and he’ll enjoy sitting back watching you struggle.

Galaxybisc · 28/03/2025 22:58

I couldn’t get past that.

pikkumyy77 · 28/03/2025 23:03

Dollshousedolly · 28/03/2025 21:32

Honestly, he sounds horrible and controlling. He knew well telling you this would shatter you and this is his way of getting you to do even more running after him.

First post is correct. There is no explaining away the insolent cruelty of his choice to backhand you with his doubts. He is a terrible person and you should run for the exit.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 28/03/2025 23:05

I could understand it if he'd separated from you at the time as that can be exhausting but he continued to stay, appeared to be happy and has only now thrown this at you.

Personally I think 26 is too young to get engaged (cue a number of Mumsnetters telling me they were engaged in their teens and it all worked out) - particularly for men as they mature so much later than women.

I notice he likes food so you cook a lot for him and make his lunch. What does he do for you?

cestlavielife · 28/03/2025 23:05

You are young.
Stop cooking his lunch.
Speak to your therapist.
Maybe it s time to move on.

glitterturd · 28/03/2025 23:09

its time to move on from this man and find someone who really loves you. He should be pleased you have worked through issues. He sounds like an arsehole - don't choose to be someone's option. You are young.

beezlebubnicky · 28/03/2025 23:16

I agree with all the other posters. He's horrible and you need to ditch him; you sound lovely and like you've done a lot of work on yourself. You will meet someone much better.

I related to the earlier part of your post - I had some trauma from issues with my father and past relationships when I first met my husband, and things were a bit turbulent at first as I felt insecure, there were a few things we had to sort out and was struggling with myself. I even split up with him once in the early days when I was feeling really dark and thought he'd be best off without me. But things got better and it somehow didn't put him off, and though our relationship is so different now, he would never use it against me.

He is not a kind man and things are not going to get better from here. Bin him.

BellissimoGecko · 28/03/2025 23:22

CarrotParrot · 28/03/2025 22:03

He's cruel, he doesn't want to be engaged to you (although he knows you want that) and he thought that having upset you you'd have sex with him to make him happy, and keep you where he wants you. Cooking for him, stroking his ego, and sleeping with him.

This!

What does he do for you to make you happy?

SunflowerTed · 28/03/2025 23:24

I admire his honesty. Maybe he is still getting over the trauma of your difficult year. Give him time - it’s sounds like he wants to be cautious before making that final commitment. Keep talking and I’m sure you will see past it x

FinneganFois · 28/03/2025 23:24

S0dsc0leslaw · 28/03/2025 21:54

Please try to realise that he isn't confused, he is trying to manipulate you. There was no need for him to tell you that until he had a handle on it. If he he loved you he wouldnt have said anything like that unless he had more clarity as anyone with half a brain knows that it's a hurtful thing to say. He told you that to squash you. He wants you off kilter.

This. He wants to control the narrative, making you doubt and feel you have done something wrong. Well that's where Mumsnet comes in. I did not know I was being gaslit until I read it on MN. We know all the tricks men use to manipulate, and can throw it back in their faces. He is a player, a chancer and a CF, "he just wanted to cuddle me" so you think he is healing and helping you.
Please be kind to yourself and get rid.

AboogaBooga · 28/03/2025 23:27

He’s literally telling you to your face that he doesn’t like you enough to marry you, and probably never will. BUT he’s perfectly happy to keep shacking up and having you feed him and provide sex on tap.

At 26, there is no rush, but he’s basically telling you your relationship will never progress. Don’t be this man’s placeholder. Don’t continue pouring into him while he just sucks the youth out of you. Dump him.

MarkingBad · 28/03/2025 23:27

SunflowerTed · 28/03/2025 23:24

I admire his honesty. Maybe he is still getting over the trauma of your difficult year. Give him time - it’s sounds like he wants to be cautious before making that final commitment. Keep talking and I’m sure you will see past it x

Her "D"P just blamed OP for him not wanting to marry her. That's not caution, thats manipulation.

There is nothing to wait for to get better, nothing at all

Rattatoille · 28/03/2025 23:30

category12 · 28/03/2025 21:59

He's fucking with you.

It's a power trip.

I think he's another abusive guy, just taken a while to show it in more subtle ways, by making out he's some sort of victim.

Oh my goodness, the wisdom on this site ! You have all seen the film, bought the book and the tee shirt !
@category12 Straight to the point as usual, well said.
@Mandy1102 Please read and act on the advice here.

RatedDoingMagic · 28/03/2025 23:31

He's deliberately manipulating you to keep you on the back foot, to nake you doubt and blane yourself and to push you to feel grateful for the scraps of affection he gives you. You are worth more than this. Do not stay with him and for God's sake don't procreate with him. Get rid.

At 26 the potential ahead of you is enormous. Your adult life has barely started, you are still growing into the power and strength that will continue to blossom. You don't need tobe shackled to this man. He is not the one.

Meadowfinch · 28/03/2025 23:34

He's manipulative and mean spirited. For goodness sake OP, do not marry that man. He's already trying to destroy the joy.

Get rid of him and look for someone lovely.

LovelyDaaling · 28/03/2025 23:34

He's not the one , even if you want him to be. You're ideal for sex and housekeeping for now but not as a permanent partner. And he's managing your expectations by making you feel like you're to blame and then you'll understand how reasonable he is not wanting to marry you. He's doing a good job on you. Split now, don't waste any more time on him.