My partner is overly sensitive to criticism and nothing gets solved

[Pothospothos]

Basically the title. I consider myself to be a very easy going, compassionate person. I don't address things right away for the most part and I take time to decide whether I'm being reasonable about something that's bothering me or whether I'm just tired and irritable at the time or whatever.

There are a few issues, some minor, some very important to me, that are ongoing because whenever bring something up to him that's upsetting me, the conversation inevitably becomes about how I am "getting mad at him". It always ends up with me apologizing for hurting his feelings and then we go back to normal until it happens again. The first few times I bring something up, I try to be very gentle and almost jocular about it, but after a while with no change I do get upset. I never yell or name call or anything, but I am agitated. I try to explain that it wouldn't get to that point if he addressed my concern in the first place.

A minor example would be that he sets two alarms in the morning for when he gets up for work (he gets up a little before me). One of them is a regular phone alarm but the other one is VERY jarring one on an alarm clock in case he misses the first one. He never misses the first one but often forgets to turn off the jarring one, so it goes off and wakes me up in a panic. I don't know how to turn it off so I wake up in a state furiously pushing every button on the alarm clock until I give up and unplug it. I have huge issues with anxiety and overstimulation, which he knows about, and this creates a really unpleasant start to my day. I have asked him multiple times to figure out a system so he doesn't forget to turn it off. It went off again this morning and I wasn't very happy about it and he was upset with me for being upset with him. He finally came to a solution but it took over a year for him to do so! Every other discussion about it has become about my "delivery"...

Here is where I spout the obligatory "Our relationship is wonderful otherwise" bit, and it truly is. But I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like I'm not allowed to have negative emotions about anything he does, even if it's hurtful.

this could have been written by me!

my DH also gets upset with me for being upset with him and focuses on my ‘delivery’ too or says I’m overly critical or attacking him. It means I cannot ever deliver feedback or talk about my needs without huge reaction each time.

He has ADHD and part of that is rejection sensitivity dysphoria; it’s exhausting and lonely.

If he doesn’t care enough about your experience of life to sort out something like the alarm, your relationship isn’t all that wonderful, is it? Sounds more like it’s good when your interests coincide but when they don’t, he doesn’t give a shit. So basically he’s selfish and not very caring and has got you trained.

if you were ill or bereaved would you be able to rely on him to do whatever necessary to look after you? Or would that be too much trouble?

As catlad says, it sounds a bit like a form of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria on his part?

Like he can't hear what he perceives as criticism without getting in a tizz and overreacting? Is he like it generally or just with you?

I'd ask him to do some work on that and maybe do counselling together or individually for him to learn to give you the benefit of the doubt and self-soothe rather than jumping all over you and for you as a couple to figure out calmer communication styles. If you have anxiety and he has this very fragile ego, then you're going to spark each other off.

I'd also stop apologising quite so much, it feeds his narrative. If you know you brought it up in a reasonable way, then you have nothing to apologise for and I'm not sure it's healthy to be appeasing him.

He knows how you feel about this jarring alarm but does not care enough about you to change it. This is who he is, a man who only cares about getting his own needs and wants met.

His priorities are he and he alone. You and he should not be together. I also doubt very much the rest of your relationship is all that great either.

How often does he apologise to you?

why has RSD been at all mentioned when it is far more likely he being a twat towards the OP.

Just because I'm taking her at her word that the rest of the relationship is fine.

It wouldn't mean his behaviour on this is OK or something she should tolerate, just that there might be some work he can do on it.

He might well refuse and turn it around on her, which is an answer in itself.

Anyway, I think you need to be far more businesslike, less gentle, more demanding - in a factual way e.g. that alarm needs sorting this week. If it isn’t and you can’t live like that then one way or another you need to stop living like that.

OP, you say the relationship is otherwise wonderful but if he can't be bothered to sort out this easily resolved issue l can't believe he is selfless in other areas. You say he is sensitive to criticism and that nothing get solved so do you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him?

He's not overly sensitive to criticism.

He is just not prepared to ever accept that he could possibly be wrong about anything.

The OP does not mention RSD re her partner, it was another poster who mentioned that.

He’s putting his needs first

but giving the benefit of the doubt… can you use ‘I’ instead of ‘You’. Eg I feel startled when the alarm goes off. That way he doesn’t feel blamed?

(although it is his fault…)

This also could have been written by me. I don't bring up little annoyances because of perceived criticism and just grit my teeth and get on with it. I can no longer be doing with huffs, deflecting, silence or the childish putting fingers in ears and "la la la-ing". Not attractive in a 61 year old.

Do you live together, OP?

Obviously you need to get the communication issues sorted, but in the meantime please learn how to turn off the alarm clock. It seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face that you don't learn when it wakes you up every day.

As an aside, alarm clocks can be turned off the night before if you know how to use it. Or meet an unfortunate end with a hammer.

@lottiegarbanzo I think you're probably mostly right. A lot of the issues I've tried to bring up to him before have to do with not listening to me or taking interest (or at least pretending!) in what I am doing, whereas we spend lots and lots of time discussing him and things pertaining to him. We have the same career and similar interests so it wasn't always apparent but I'm seeing it more an more now, especially writing it out.

There has been an ongoing situation with my health where he has had to step up and take care of things in a big way, and he's done it without complaint. He does do random thoughtful things for me, etc.

I agree that I should be business like in my approach. It might be the culture shock he needs.

@PullTheBricksDown Yes, we've lived together for just over a year.

I don't think it's RSD or what have you.
He suspects he may be autistic and has a tendency to lean on that when explaining his behaviour. But it often feels like an excuse for not being self aware.

I don't know how you're supposed to have a relationship where you can't express how you feel. Your partner isn't 'sensitive' he just doesn't want you to criticise him or have to resolve anything and what he's doing is working. You've been trained.

You have needs too (though I don't understand how you didn't work out the alarm clock in a year). He just doesn't seem very interested in meeting them and he's very happy with that.

Yes to all this. And OP, you're a literate adult with access to the internet. Either sit down one day when you have ten minutes and figure out the mechanics of the clock, or smash it with a poker. It isn't rocket science.

How can you be helped into leaving this horrible man?. You have been indeed trained over time not to complain or show any dissent towards him. you are probably very afraid of saying no to him.

I doubt very much he is autistic and even if he was which he is not it’s no reason or justification to act the ways he goes towards you.

rejection sensitivity dysphoria

I've never seen this before.

I'm sure it's a real thing, but this is what people mean when they talk about resiliency. A grown adult shouldn't have to be tiptoed around because they can't deal with anything they perceive as criticism. That adult needs to find some coping strategies, have some therapy, whatever it happens to be, so they can function normally in the world.

I bet the people who are overly sensitive to criticism from partners are able to deal with it when it comes from someone at work.

I'm sorry I know I sound completely unsympathetic, and maybe I am, but seriously, I wouldn't be able to deal with this. I'd just be telling him to grow up, it's not criticism or an attack to ask him to have some courtesy for his partner.

Stop playing into it. My partner has EUPD, ADHD, emotional dysregulation and the emotional intelligence of a pre teen apparently. I spent years pussy footing around problems to avoid the blow back and blame I'd get but after some sessions with his mental health team to help me, they told me to stop, he's capable of learning to behave like an adult emotionally but he isn't going to unless I put boundaries in place and enforce them like you would with a child. Lo and behold, he soon stopped his crap when he realised I was following through on the advice given. He can now listen and problem solve without behaving like a petulant child or playing the blame game/deflecting.
i cannot express how difficult he was, but If he can turn it around, I have every faith that just about any other person can if they actually want too

Mine does this. My "delivery" is always wrong. But he actually just doesn't like being disagreed with and there's no way I could say it that would ever be nice enough.

Here is where I spout the obligatory "Our relationship is wonderful otherwise" bit, and it truly is. But I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like I'm not allowed to have negative emotions about anything he does, even if it's hurtful.

This is too big a thing to be an "apart from." It's huge. Trust me. Ten years into a marriage with this problem. It has never got less exhausting.

It can be a form of control - this was the case with my exDH- he silenced my voice to prevent any challenge - it was in his case a form of narcissism - he could not begin to acknowledge any flaws in his character or behaviour - he turned into a monster in the end

It's an excellent way to train you to never bring up any of your needs, preferences or feelings about his behaviour. It's not a wonderful relationship if only one of you is allowed to express how they feel about the other one. He's certainly not holding back about what he thinks you're doing wrong is he? So why should you?

Ugh, very unattractive, a man who has a tantrum when challenged.

Does he respond that way to friends, family, colleagues - or just you?