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Original poster

My partner is overly sensitive to criticism and nothing gets solved

56 replies

Pothospothos · 28/03/2025 13:42

Basically the title. I consider myself to be a very easy going, compassionate person. I don't address things right away for the most part and I take time to decide whether I'm being reasonable about something that's bothering me or whether I'm just tired and irritable at the time or whatever.

There are a few issues, some minor, some very important to me, that are ongoing because whenever bring something up to him that's upsetting me, the conversation inevitably becomes about how I am "getting mad at him". It always ends up with me apologizing for hurting his feelings and then we go back to normal until it happens again. The first few times I bring something up, I try to be very gentle and almost jocular about it, but after a while with no change I do get upset. I never yell or name call or anything, but I am agitated. I try to explain that it wouldn't get to that point if he addressed my concern in the first place.

A minor example would be that he sets two alarms in the morning for when he gets up for work (he gets up a little before me). One of them is a regular phone alarm but the other one is VERY jarring one on an alarm clock in case he misses the first one. He never misses the first one but often forgets to turn off the jarring one, so it goes off and wakes me up in a panic. I don't know how to turn it off so I wake up in a state furiously pushing every button on the alarm clock until I give up and unplug it. I have huge issues with anxiety and overstimulation, which he knows about, and this creates a really unpleasant start to my day. I have asked him multiple times to figure out a system so he doesn't forget to turn it off. It went off again this morning and I wasn't very happy about it and he was upset with me for being upset with him. He finally came to a solution but it took over a year for him to do so! Every other discussion about it has become about my "delivery"...

Here is where I spout the obligatory "Our relationship is wonderful otherwise" bit, and it truly is. But I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like I'm not allowed to have negative emotions about anything he does, even if it's hurtful.

OP posts:
myplace · 30/03/2025 11:59

WakingUpToReality · 30/03/2025 08:38

@myplace “There’s something I want to talk to you about. It is upsetting me, and I’d like us to find a different way to do it. I want to describe the problem then work together on a solution. I don’t want to you to get upset, or to complain that I’m attacking you, so we end up talking about that instead of the problem I’m trying to sort out. This is about the problem I’m upset by, not you. Is that ok?”

I always wanted to be able to communicate like that .... but to have to do that each and every time there is a slight problem.. and when there are small children you are trying to raise (and they are being impacted by this behaviour) - I just didn't have the time and energy. I always believed the other person has a responsibility as well to work on themselves, to go to therapy and find out why they are struggling with communicating with others/conflict resolution. But of course their victim mentality makes that impossible. So where does that leave you? But I am curious as to those that have made it work.

It’s bloody annoying, frankly. But I’m surrounded by autistic family members and have learned that my emotions trigger panic in them, which in turn leads to meltdowns.

It’s really very effective at training me to understand what’s triggering them, and helping them understand what the actual issue is. It isn’t ’Oh my god you’re a useless husband and you’re making me cry because I tripped over your shoes and hit my head’, it’s ’Can you put your shoes somewhere I won’t trip over them please?’.

It’s great in schools as well. Teachers do it a lot, I think.

It also helps when someone is winding up about a change of plan or a trip to the dentist. “Do you think you’re a bit more grumpy than usual because you’re going to the dentist on Thursday?”. Cue face of wonderment when he realises why he isn’t sleeping, has a vague headache and doesn’t want to do anything on offer.

myplace · 30/03/2025 12:00

And the alternative seemed to be apologising for over reacting and upsetting them. Which is unacceptable and unsustainable.

cramptramp · 30/03/2025 12:03

I couldn’t give a shit if he’s autistic or what, this would make me really angry. I’d either unplug it in the middle of the night or if he continued not to turn it off I’d take a hammer to bed and smash it over the alarm when it goes off. Really.

spicemaiden · 30/03/2025 12:06

cramptramp · 30/03/2025 12:03

I couldn’t give a shit if he’s autistic or what, this would make me really angry. I’d either unplug it in the middle of the night or if he continued not to turn it off I’d take a hammer to bed and smash it over the alarm when it goes off. Really.

Cue the vulnerable narcissist accusing you of being a violent, dangerous bully (which is what they do - it’s all about control)

LoyalMember · 30/03/2025 12:18

Pothospothos · 28/03/2025 13:42

Basically the title. I consider myself to be a very easy going, compassionate person. I don't address things right away for the most part and I take time to decide whether I'm being reasonable about something that's bothering me or whether I'm just tired and irritable at the time or whatever.

There are a few issues, some minor, some very important to me, that are ongoing because whenever bring something up to him that's upsetting me, the conversation inevitably becomes about how I am "getting mad at him". It always ends up with me apologizing for hurting his feelings and then we go back to normal until it happens again. The first few times I bring something up, I try to be very gentle and almost jocular about it, but after a while with no change I do get upset. I never yell or name call or anything, but I am agitated. I try to explain that it wouldn't get to that point if he addressed my concern in the first place.

A minor example would be that he sets two alarms in the morning for when he gets up for work (he gets up a little before me). One of them is a regular phone alarm but the other one is VERY jarring one on an alarm clock in case he misses the first one. He never misses the first one but often forgets to turn off the jarring one, so it goes off and wakes me up in a panic. I don't know how to turn it off so I wake up in a state furiously pushing every button on the alarm clock until I give up and unplug it. I have huge issues with anxiety and overstimulation, which he knows about, and this creates a really unpleasant start to my day. I have asked him multiple times to figure out a system so he doesn't forget to turn it off. It went off again this morning and I wasn't very happy about it and he was upset with me for being upset with him. He finally came to a solution but it took over a year for him to do so! Every other discussion about it has become about my "delivery"...

Here is where I spout the obligatory "Our relationship is wonderful otherwise" bit, and it truly is. But I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like I'm not allowed to have negative emotions about anything he does, even if it's hurtful.

Just a thought, why can't you learn to turn off the alarm clock instead of furiously battering it every morning in a rage? It can't be that difficult to work out....😁

GoAwayNow7 · 30/03/2025 13:50

Just a thought, why can't you learn to turn off the alarm clock instead of furiously battering it every morning in a rage? It can't be that difficult to work out....😁

The alarm shouldn’t be going off at all. Would you be happy to be woken up each day by someone else’s back up alarm that they can’t be arsed to cancel?

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