My partner is overly sensitive to criticism and nothing gets solved

[Pothospothos]

Basically the title. I consider myself to be a very easy going, compassionate person. I don't address things right away for the most part and I take time to decide whether I'm being reasonable about something that's bothering me or whether I'm just tired and irritable at the time or whatever.

There are a few issues, some minor, some very important to me, that are ongoing because whenever bring something up to him that's upsetting me, the conversation inevitably becomes about how I am "getting mad at him". It always ends up with me apologizing for hurting his feelings and then we go back to normal until it happens again. The first few times I bring something up, I try to be very gentle and almost jocular about it, but after a while with no change I do get upset. I never yell or name call or anything, but I am agitated. I try to explain that it wouldn't get to that point if he addressed my concern in the first place.

A minor example would be that he sets two alarms in the morning for when he gets up for work (he gets up a little before me). One of them is a regular phone alarm but the other one is VERY jarring one on an alarm clock in case he misses the first one. He never misses the first one but often forgets to turn off the jarring one, so it goes off and wakes me up in a panic. I don't know how to turn it off so I wake up in a state furiously pushing every button on the alarm clock until I give up and unplug it. I have huge issues with anxiety and overstimulation, which he knows about, and this creates a really unpleasant start to my day. I have asked him multiple times to figure out a system so he doesn't forget to turn it off. It went off again this morning and I wasn't very happy about it and he was upset with me for being upset with him. He finally came to a solution but it took over a year for him to do so! Every other discussion about it has become about my "delivery"...

Here is where I spout the obligatory "Our relationship is wonderful otherwise" bit, and it truly is. But I don't know how to explain to him that I feel like I'm not allowed to have negative emotions about anything he does, even if it's hurtful.

You wouldn’t be the first woman to have a man who wants a muse not a partner.

The alarm clock is not a minor issue at all. He’s been selfishly disturbing your sleep needlessly for over a year and playing the victim when you bring it up. I would have split over that level of toxic selfishness and self pitying behaviour. A year to come up with a solution is a deliberate piss take. Either that or he’s totally stupid.

You’ve bagged your self a victim. A “Mr Sensitive” who is only sensitive to his own feelings while completely ignoring yours. There’s no delivery that will be right and if it’s not your tone it will be your facial expression. The fact you are walking on eggshells around his sad feelings means you’re in a abusive relationship.

Google vulnerable narcissist. A lot of victims fall into that category.

I think it’s because you’re trying to dance around it instead of being direct.

If Dh had an annoying bloody alarm that scared me to death in the morning, and it went off once, I’d be like, right, this is not acceptable, away it goes, you sort yourself out with your normal alarm and get out of bed like every other grown up, or we sleep separately. If that didn’t fly, we wouldn’t be together because he wouldn’t be respecting me.

I think it’s the fact that it’s dragging out so much. You are making jocular little remarks that probably sound like nagging, instead of saying exactly what your expectations are the very first time and laying down a boundary. He may also be a total twat, but I think communication style is an issue here, as is continuing to accept a boundary being crossed.

I read this and yep got the same feeling. Vulnerable narcissist indeed.

He would often tell me that first I had to praise him , tell him what he did wrong, then praise because apparently ‘it should be like a sandwich’
The almighty complex of being the victim when we are the true victims of their inadequacies is almost soul destroying.
no issue will ever get resolved.
They are by far the worst type to deal with.

Mine too has ADHD and rsd is a real thing for him. Unfortunately it is also accompanied by a huge dose of vulnerable narcissim so it was impossible to carry on a relationship with him.

Kind of coming from both perspectives- I’m AuDHD, I have RSD but I split from a toxic marriage a few years ago. I do get very upset by perceived ‘rejection’, eg when friends walk away, if I don’t get a job, if I’m criticised..but it’s something I’m learning to deal with.
However, when I was married, my (now X)H would criticise me a lot, but if I raised anything with him he’d say ‘I can’t do anything right’. Translation? ‘You criticise me all the time and it’s unfair’. It’s impossible to get anywhere with someone like that because the conversation flips to become about your criticism not the issue at hand. I realise now it was a form of control. I stopped raising things, trod on eggshells instead.
It does speak volumes that your OH essentially ignores something you raised multiple times, then when you ask again makes out you’re upsetting him with your criticism. XH used to say ‘You’re nagging me’. I used to say ‘if you did what I asked the first time, I wouldn’t have to’. I suspect there’s a lack of respect on your DP’s part. He CBA to change something that has a negative impact on you but doesn’t affect him until you’ve asked multiple times. He’s showing you who he is, listen!

It’s not your job to regulate an adult man’s emotions. You shouldn’t have to watch your tone or waste your time working out how to gently challenge blatant disrespect.

Men like this are terminally offended and cry babies. They’re conflict seekers and enjoy feeling like a victim. They deliberately do things they know you don’t like so they can claim you’re picking on them. Their language is childlike and manipulative, “I can’t do anything right, you’re always mad at me, you’re bullying me, it’s the way you say it” sniff.

Changing your delivery, tone or expressions will not work because these men do not seek solutions or harmony like you do. They covertly seek conflict so they can play the victim. That is their goal.

The alarm thing seems like a little thing but it seemed so indicative of how they see things, of their not being able to see, measure and balance another person’s needs against their own. For example, your early morning stressful disruption (awful way to start the day!) and loss of sleep was judged by him to be EQUAL in importance to a worry he had that he would miss his first alarm and his reluctance to put a bit of effort in to find a more appropriate solution to this for a year!!! I had a similar EXH, similar thing with an alarm. 20 years later it was often the same, his needs MUCH more important than my genuine ones. Also a vulnerable narcissist I believe.

It doesn’t really matter what the cause of the behaviour is. He needs to address it regardless and learn how to deal with issues that arise if he wants to remain in a relationship with you. You can’t go through life deflecting everything back onto someone else. Nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. What healthy people do is take on board what their partner says and actually does something about it. Relationships are built like this, they don’t just happen without work, only he doesn’t seem to want to do the work so that’s a potential deal breaker.

@GoAwayNow7
I must say that your comments are insightful.
Did you go through such an experience with a partner to have gained such insight? Or are you a therapist?
Either way, you express very eloquently my views on such behaviour.

RSD - run for the hills.

Gioia1 I’ve experienced it unfortunately. It was horrible to realise it was all by design. I had no idea such people existed.

These men are appealing initially. They aren’t generally laddish men and their sensitivity, which is unusual in men can be very attractive. I think they are one of the worst types of manipulators and emotional abusers because they have perfected doing it covertly. You know you’re being abused if someone yells at you or calls you names. Not so much if someone is saying you’ve hurt their feelings.

Victim mentality is toxic and dangerous. Every victim needs a perpetrator, an oppressor and they find this in their partner’s reasonable requests. Every victim, whether real or perceived eventually bites back.

Every slight is noted. Tones, expressions and even timings of when you bring things up. They are collecting information and proof of your villain status to justify their abuse later down the line. And when they do become abusive they do not see themselves as abusers at all. Instead they are bravely standing up to the oppression and bullying they claim they’ve suffered.

They are the very worst type in my opinion.

How is he with other people, Male and female? Can he accept their comments?

This exact same thing happened to me ref alarm clock - he’d usually be in the bathroom when it went off.

There were so many things like this going on in our relationship. Eg. Him going to the pub and not taking a key - then getting angry when he came home and I’d gone to bed and had locked the door (he could have got in with a key) - but no, after shouting from the garden to wake me up, I was lambasted for ‘locking him out’. So many, many things where he would not take accountability and always accused me of being difficult, sensitive, making a mountain out of a molehill.

Your opening paragraph shows how you are already assessing every situation on whether to say something and how to say it. This is what I did, always walking on eggshells until in the end I just stopped ever making any kind of complaint or even offering a different opinion.

Other posters are correct - he just doesnt consider your feelings - only his own are important to him.

I can truly believe that you think the rest of your relationship is wonderful - I thought mine was too (so much so that I stayed married for over 30 years) But I realised it was only wonderful when he was getting his own way.

Things obviously got worse over the years and I finally went to therapy to get my ‘thinking sorted out’ (his words). Oh my, my therapist validated me 100% and suggested he has narcissistic traits. Once I saw this, I could not unsee it.

There are four types, grandiose, vulnerable/covert, communal and malignant. Look them up, you will either recognise it or not.

I am now divorced.

Even the fact you have come to Mumsnet to ask this question about the alarm clock show how much your self esteem has already been eroded.

P.S. Look up DARVO

@GoAwayNow7i agree with every word you wrote. I couldn’t have put it any clearer. Thank you.
Even though it’s been two years post divorce, I still shake my head in disbelief that I was in it for 6 years. But, once you understand it, you can no longer unsee it.
We share two little children but I do not D.E.E.P with him anymore.

I feel so strong despite the challenges I faced living with him-He did some unspeakable evils to me. I am no longer as naive as I was.

How on earth is this a lovely relationship if you aren't allowed to express your needs? This reads like classic covert narcissism to me. Basically, ifyou express any frustration or upset, then suddenly THEY are the victim and you are the baddie, and the underlying issue is ignored.

I am no longer as naive as I was.

That’s a good thing.

The statistics suggest at some point our daughters are going to meet a man who wants to abuse her. Her naivety and lack of education about abuse makes this too easy for him. The first time some women hear the terms to describe what’s happening to her is in therapy or via something like the freedom programme, after she’s been victimised. I have thought for a long time girls should be properly taught in schools about abuse.

“There’s something I want to talk to you about. It is upsetting me, and I’d like us to find a different way to do it. I want to describe the problem then work together on a solution. I don’t want to you to get upset, or to complain that I’m attacking you, so we end up talking about that instead of the problem I’m trying to sort out. This is about the problem I’m upset by, not you. Is that ok?”

You only need to do this a couple of times, then he’ll understand the nature of the conversation and you’ll be able to skip it and get on to the problem!

@Whowhatwhere21 Could you give further details about how you turned this around, please ? Some examples would be really helpful.
Identifying this victim playing is one thing; addressing it is a whole other one.

@GoAwayNow7 "These men are appealing initially. They aren’t generally laddish men and their sensitivity, which is unusual in men can be very attractive."

This was very true for me. I've never thought about it before.

@myplace “There’s something I want to talk to you about. It is upsetting me, and I’d like us to find a different way to do it. I want to describe the problem then work together on a solution. I don’t want to you to get upset, or to complain that I’m attacking you, so we end up talking about that instead of the problem I’m trying to sort out. This is about the problem I’m upset by, not you. Is that ok?”

I always wanted to be able to communicate like that .... but to have to do that each and every time there is a slight problem.. and when there are small children you are trying to raise (and they are being impacted by this behaviour) - I just didn't have the time and energy. I always believed the other person has a responsibility as well to work on themselves, to go to therapy and find out why they are struggling with communicating with others/conflict resolution. But of course their victim mentality makes that impossible. So where does that leave you? But I am curious as to those that have made it work.

No one is perfect.
Good that your understand him more.

Work on commenting more immediately instead of waiting.
Make your complaint - no difference in tone of voice - and then continue with life that is in front of you.
It is fine for you each to express things that annoys the other and to expect that some issues really do need addressing.

Commumicate respectfully and don't think that decades long habits will change over night.

Problem is - it is true that they seek conflict. I think they are addicted to the 'righteous anger' that they allow themselves to express as they are 'fighting their oppressor' (you). It creates a toxic atmosphere in the long term, and isn't healthy for any children witnessing it.

Yup. You’ve just written about yhd past 8 years of my life.

Im now a nasty mean bitter cow utterly at the end of my rope, completely voiceless, and my anger and irritation is now ‘proof’ that he had been right all sling and I’m just ‘mean’ and ‘unreasonable’ and ‘monstrous’ - I didn’t used to be.

Twi therapists have noted that he immediately bats me off me as starts acting thd victim - he has staunchly refused to believe it and is firmly in the ‘poor me she’s so horrid’ camp.

Good luck - being inside a bell jar is soul destroying

OMG YES!!!!

I’ve been told similar.