DH thinks we should try for another baby or adopt. We are mid-40s with 2 older DCs

[BlindsidedbyDH]

This has come straight out of left field for me. DH has said he would like for us to have another DC. He sprung this revelation on me when we were about to go asleep a couple of nights ago. We already have 2 teenage DCs who are 15 and 17 and are thriving. I was shocked. I just said I wouldn't want to try for another child as there is a low chance of me even getting pregnant, and higher risk of problems even if we did conceive due to my age. I also have concerns about adopting as I think we are too old.

When I asked what has prompted his desire to have another child, he apparently thinks it's common to want another baby when older DCs are growing up and will soon be leaving the nest. He said he has been broody for a while. I just laughed. I am not sure where he is getting that idea from. I don't know anyone who is in a similar situation where they already have older kids, and are actively trying for another. I assume that most married people in similar situations are looking forward to the next stage of their lives once their DCs are on the cusp of adulthood, rather than wanting to start all over again with another baby. Does it sound like a midlife crisis of sorts for him? Should I tell him to get a hobby to take his mind off it as it's a non-starter for me? Perhaps suggest he gets a pet?

Yeah, you have to be clear it's a no go. I expect if you are like most heterosexual couples, you would have to bear infinitely more burden on all fronts and, being at the stage where my kids are in their teens and we haven't have childcare costs for some time, there's no way it's go back to that for a few years now life is so much easier and less expensive.

Christ no, that would be madness!! What's wrong with him.

What's your relationship like in general?
Is he worried you're getting too much time to yourself or interests outside the family as your children are older?

If you're not fully on board then it's a no no.

How much involvement did/does he have with the children you have now? Is it possible he's trying to keep you tied to looking after babies and in the home?

Couldn’t pay me enough.

Was he very involved when the kids were little? Did a genuine 50%?

I think it’s too much at that age to sign up for another 18-21 years of parenthood, physically, emotionally and financially. I’m 55, DH is 60 and have a 12 yr old (and 16yr). It’s what we wanted and now we are planning for the realities of retirement, pensions, support at uni. Has your DH really thought that through?

Maybe fostering would be something to consider? You could provide a safe, experienced placement for babies/ young kids which would be very rewarding and beneficial for those children

In the words of a wise mumsnetter: I’d like more kids - if I got to be their father

It would be a no for me.

You aren't too old to adopt.

Would it work for you if he were the main parent, SAHD even?

Can't think of anything worse than to go back to nappies at your stage!

Err, no.

Has someone he know just had a baby and that’s making him feel broody?

What's prompted this? I'd be worried It's something sinister like an affair as he wants to relive his youth

If adoption is something you've never considered or discussed and not something you want to do yourself then you'd never be approved anyway so that's a non starter. You're quite right to say no to trying for a baby - he must be mad!

Wait a couple of years and then look into fostering? You could do some respite fostering first

he apparently thinks it's common to want another baby when older DCs are growing up and will soon be leaving the nest

I don’t think he’s wrong, it’s just that most people get a dog and hope for grandchildren. It’s a nice enough idea, if you were both on board but not if you aren’t.

Nope, going through menopause has illuminated me about why my mother (older when I was born) wasn't that nice to me as a young teenager.

If you were really up for it, maybe but adoption is very complex and needs 100% commitment.

You could well be going through menopause as your DC hits puberty.

That does not a harmonious household make.

Ah, @brombatz, you posted just before me, such happy memories. Not. I loved my mother and I'm sure she loved me but we barely had a conversation that wasn't yelling for about 5 years.

Support care is rewarding, if you genuinely struggle to find meaningful things to do with your weekends!
And you can do just a little.

OP could already be on the cusp of menopause

I’d be suspicious that he wants to keep you busy & chained to the home.

Where will the money come from for the extra child and what are his retirement plans?

If he’s aware that this is a common pre empty nest broody phase then surely he is also aware that the phase will pass? And having another child is quite a permanent thing to do!

Like a pp said I think others experiencing this phase tend to get a puppy and/or wait for grandchildren.

You aren't too old to adopt or Foster. But you would need to be 100% both on board, it's not a quick or easy way to get a baby, kids are going to come with their own set of baggage and needs on top of any that a bio child would have. Without you both being fully on board it just wouldn't work

I'm mid forties also with two teens who are about the same ages...I wouldn't have another baby or adopt in a million years. I'm just looking forward to the next stage of my life. Is he having a mid life crisis? If so, a sports car would work out cheaper!

My friend found herself pregnant with two teenagers. She was horrified but continued with the pregnancy. The teenagers were disgusted and said things like “yuk, that means you’ve been having sex”.

Anyway, fast forward and everyone is completely smitten with the new baby.

Only go for it, @BlindsidedbyDH , if it’s what you want.

it’s fine if it’s something you both want, but I would fall off a chair laughing if DH suggested it to me.

is he offering a career break to do the childrearing? Feeling financially secure to support two teenagers through Uni with n top of childcare? Bored at the weekend and fancies hanging out at soft play parties? I’m in my early fifties, the idea of having a primary age child at home fills me with horror. I’m very much enjoying having my weekends back!