DH thinks we should try for another baby or adopt. We are mid-40s with 2 older DCs

[BlindsidedbyDH]

This has come straight out of left field for me. DH has said he would like for us to have another DC. He sprung this revelation on me when we were about to go asleep a couple of nights ago. We already have 2 teenage DCs who are 15 and 17 and are thriving. I was shocked. I just said I wouldn't want to try for another child as there is a low chance of me even getting pregnant, and higher risk of problems even if we did conceive due to my age. I also have concerns about adopting as I think we are too old.

When I asked what has prompted his desire to have another child, he apparently thinks it's common to want another baby when older DCs are growing up and will soon be leaving the nest. He said he has been broody for a while. I just laughed. I am not sure where he is getting that idea from. I don't know anyone who is in a similar situation where they already have older kids, and are actively trying for another. I assume that most married people in similar situations are looking forward to the next stage of their lives once their DCs are on the cusp of adulthood, rather than wanting to start all over again with another baby. Does it sound like a midlife crisis of sorts for him? Should I tell him to get a hobby to take his mind off it as it's a non-starter for me? Perhaps suggest he gets a pet?

Ted27 you are so right!I cant believe the way Fostering and Adoption are seen as "easy options" .My friends a social workers and the children are Needing lots of care and attention.

I wouldn't, I'd tell her to get a hobby and screw her head back on!!

Soon your dc will not need to come with you every time you go on holiday - maybe the prospect of a couple of minibreaks will perk him up. Luxury hotels with Very Comfortable and Enticing Beds ??

We are in the same age bracket with teens and personally I love that I can have a lie in on a Sunday now . And sleep better. I couldn't go back to no sleep.
But if you two are ok with lack sleep . Free time and so on then why not have another.
But do you think maybe he just needs more hobbies/interests on a weekend . Or other things to focus on.
Remind him you may have grandchildren in the future .
But also fostering is a good option . They are always needed .

It's either that or 'is he asd/ adhd?'

I'd be a bit suspicious of his motives to be honest. Very, very few men would want this scenario. Can't help but thinking there's more to it. Does he want you to be otherwise occupied I wonder?

Where did OP say she wanted to do this? She didn't. Nor does she want any more babies, hers or not hers, understandably.

Just a flat 'No' to her DH should suffice. Such a daft idea isn't worth agonising over.

I'm 45 and have kids the same ages as yours. No chance in hell would I even consider having another one. And only suggest a puppy if he's going to take on the night wakings!

I think you shouldn't dismiss his feelings. Not that I think you should agree to have another child if that's not what you want! But if you were feeling that way yourself you wouldn't want your DH to laugh and say a blunt no. Give him your reasons in a way that is sensitive but doesn't make it seem like you might change your mind.

Expecting you to create an entire person just so he isn't bored at weekends? Nah. Ridiculous.

Hahahahaha...NO!!

I'm waaaayyy past it, mine are in their 30s. But looking back at my 'peer group' I can't think of a single one with teens who wanted another baby in their 40s. Maybe a momentary 'awwww, wouldn't it be nice' when we saw a tiny one. But we quickly recovered our sanity.

It's so easy for most men to want another baby. Even with the most dedicated of dads it's usually the mum who carries the most responsibility, especially in the first few years.

Like my lovely BiL used to say; "I wouldn't take a million for the ones I've got, but you couldn't pay me a million to have another one".

You could potentially have more sex WITHOUT trying for a baby!

As for being bored? I don't see how he's gone from being bored to wanting a baby. Normal people who are feeling a bit bored take up a new hobby, reconnect with old friends or consider volunteering.

I’m 43 and my youngest child is 10, there is absolutely nothing that would persuade me to have another baby now! I love my DC and being a mum but I’m enjoying having older DC, having an occasional lie in and looking forward to when we can have adult only holidays again!

Tell your DH you have thought about it but another baby isn’t what you want. At the end of the day it’s your body so you get the final say

This is the point in life when you get a puppy. He can dote on a tiny helpless thing and the kids are old enough to help with walking etc. Divert his attention in this direction.

@BlindsidedbyDH is be going to be the one sacrificing his career and time to stay at home with this miracle child that will fill an apparent gap in his life?

is he ok with the idea of a child with disabilities or health concerns that will mean lifelong care?

As your children approach college age and flying the nest - he wants to enter into another 18 years of child raising? At more advanced years?

Get him to foster puppies for 12 months and see how he feels after months of sleep interrupted nights etc, demands on his time, child/doggy day care to be sorted etc etc.

is he working with some younger men that are starting families or men on second families?

has he no other retirement plans or hobbies he might be interested in over the next 20
yeaes?

You could potentially have more sex WITHOUT trying for a baby!

Good point!

I'm mid 40s with dd 13. I love being able to take holidays, chat, have fun days out with her. I also love being able to go out with dh without dd sometimes, even if it's just for a walk.

My career is taking off again and I'm putting more into my pension and able to have some great holidays and worry less about money. Dd can get herself to and from school and let herself in and out and that really helps.

I'm looking forward to not being tied to school holidays and once dd finishes university having the option to wind down in work a bit.

In short, having a baby now would be putting all my plans on the bonfire. Absolutely no way!

I don't think I've ever heard of a baby improving anyone's sex life beyond conception. If better sex is what you want I'd have rock solid contraception in place!

I couldn't think of anything worse to have a baby and start all over again in my 40s. knowing you're already kids are almost adults all yor time and freedom back to do what you want and still young enough to do it.
Why would you want to sign up to another 18-20 years.

I think it takes a little while to get into your free time groove once you have teenagers, who aren’t (apart from a bit ofparental taxi driving) interested in spending their free time with you.

if he’s bored at the weekend (are you too?) perhaps talk about or suggest things you might want to start doing again. A Sunday brunch, a trip to the cinema or theatre, going to the pub to watch the rugby (or just for a quick drink), somewhere to go for a nice walk that you can combine with a country pub or cafe lunch, visit to a gallery or exhibition. It hit me recently that we can actually start doing things, just the two of us, again, without worrying about babysitters or impact on family time. Perhaps if you spend some fun time together it might help with the bedroom lull, and also make him appreciate how life can be without the burden of young children.

I don’t think OP has implied that she wants to adopt!