DH thinks we should try for another baby or adopt. We are mid-40s with 2 older DCs

[BlindsidedbyDH]

This has come straight out of left field for me. DH has said he would like for us to have another DC. He sprung this revelation on me when we were about to go asleep a couple of nights ago. We already have 2 teenage DCs who are 15 and 17 and are thriving. I was shocked. I just said I wouldn't want to try for another child as there is a low chance of me even getting pregnant, and higher risk of problems even if we did conceive due to my age. I also have concerns about adopting as I think we are too old.

When I asked what has prompted his desire to have another child, he apparently thinks it's common to want another baby when older DCs are growing up and will soon be leaving the nest. He said he has been broody for a while. I just laughed. I am not sure where he is getting that idea from. I don't know anyone who is in a similar situation where they already have older kids, and are actively trying for another. I assume that most married people in similar situations are looking forward to the next stage of their lives once their DCs are on the cusp of adulthood, rather than wanting to start all over again with another baby. Does it sound like a midlife crisis of sorts for him? Should I tell him to get a hobby to take his mind off it as it's a non-starter for me? Perhaps suggest he gets a pet?

Is he bored?

We’re mid-40’s with an 11yo. DH’s main question at the moment is when can we go to the pub in the afternoon without needing to drag DS with us.

Goodness me no, once our youngest was a toddler DH made an appointment with the GP and booked himself in for a vasectomy!

I find this odd. If it was just one out of the blue comment and he never mentions it again, you can put it to sleep. But watch out if he makes it a thing, insisting on it or getting confrontational.
Of course I'm a stranger on the internet, and you know your husband. But if this was a movie plot, I would instantly get suspicious about this: would it be possible that he is having an affair and wants to force a breakup so, when he ends up with 29 years old Becky he can justify it with "oh well, my wife and I had irreconcilable differences".

How's your marriage doing, in general?

Unless this was something you both wanted, I would say hard no. To adoption or otherwise. Fostering might be a good option as others have suggested if you were both keen.

I am 56 with a 15yo and a 7yo (nearly 8). 7yo has ADHD, which I have since discovered is not uncommon with older fathers (and maybe mothers). I wouldn't swap him for the world but he is hard work and our lives are not getting easier when they might have been if we had had children earlier. I suspect I will be working into my 70s and financially we are nowhere near secure. Most of our friends' kids are teens or older so group events can be challenging as DS is often the outlier.

Also, by having kids late, we were young, free and single in our 20s and 30s and did all the partying and traveling we wanted to then. Friends who missed that because they had kids at the usual time are making up for it now. When will you get your free time to travel or whatever you enjoy if you tie yourself down to family holidays and activities for another 12 to 15 years, at least?

All that said, they do keep you young in some ways and you still socialise, just with younger parents with kids of similar age, so it's not all bad. Just think very carefully what you want.

It's all very well for him to be feeling broody and want another child, but it's not his body that would have to go through all the shenanigans, is it?

There is another option other than having a baby or adopting though. Fostering. Most local councils are crying out for foster parents, both long and short-term.

Is there no comment, no matter how innocent, that someone on MN will not construe as evidence of infidelity?! “I’m popping out for some milk - do you want anything?” “HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR!” 😆

Think very carefully about why he'd like you to be busy with a baby then toddler then child for the next 16 years? Are you more free now than in the past? Are you making plans to expand your interests? Is he insecure about time you spend with other people?

Get him a cat

Utter madness! Get a pet.

I wouldn't do it. Like the people say - get a dog/cat instead. Your job with the kids is done. I guess it's kind of middle-age sadness. I'm of a similar age and my kids are in a primary - can't wait for them to grow! Cannot imagine a baby yet again!

Get him a puppy

Do you really want to be busy raising another child well into your 60s? A whole other education to fund? No retirement until much later and less money to retire on? What if your health is seriously affected or you die? What if the child has health issues? Will a baby improve the lives of your already existing children?

I think he's being extremely unrealistic. He can get a dog.

It is OK for him to feel broody and his feelings need to be taken seriously. If it were a woman in this situation everyone on here would be advising that her OH should be sympathetic and understanding.

Equally you need to be clear where you stand.

No chance

speaking as an adopter, a foster carer and a cat owner, I'd say get a cat, or maybe a hamster.

Seriously though, people throw adoption and fostering round like it's an easy option.
In particular I wonder if any of the people who suggest fostering have any experience of it.
Fostering didn't just give you a smile bouncing baby or toddler. It brings endless meetings with foster carers, contact with birth family, they may have FASD, have been born withdrawing from drugs or any number of other conditions.
Depending on the legal status of the child you have to get permission for all sorts of things from hair cuts to going on holiday.

You might not be able to work another job and fostering does not pay well.
It's far from an easy option.
Get the cat

@BlindsidedbyDH how embarassing that would be for the nearly adult children!!

I would say our marriage is fine generally. There is one slight issue I have, which is that things have been a bit humdrum in the bedroom between us for a while. It's definitely not as passionate as it was in our 30s. There is a part of me which wonders if he thinks trying for a baby means we'll be having a lot more sex, which might be what he's really after? Also he has mentioned being bored a couple of times recently, particularly at weekends. I might suggest the idea of a getting a cat or dog to him as others have mentioned.

I would laugh out loud ,and send him a list of Spaniel Breeders!Seriously WTF. Unless he wants to be a SAHD like Ken in Cuckoo? Did he miss out on DC when they were younger or something.I think many men are like this and often get married to a younger woman in the hope of a second family

If your mid 40’s then with the best will in the world it’s unlikely to happen anyway. Just
goes to show how much some men have zero clue when it comes to pregnancy and the affects on the female body etc

My parents had me after a big age gap and I would never ever do it to a child. I hated it.

Probably best to have a gentle convo with him about what's prompted this. While making it clear that you won't be obliging!

Absolutely not. Don’t do it. Tell him you are not prepared to go through pregnancy or childbirth again. It’s fine for him he has to do f all.
I would also tell him that you don’t want to look after another child under any circumstances so how would he feel if anything happened to him, and the child would then have to go into care? Do not pussy foot around. Be blunt that you don’t want the hassle of another child so it would 100% be on him. Anyway, you are not prepared to go through pregnancy under any circumstances. As for adoption, no tell him you don’t want another child so any enquiries he makes would be him as a solo parent.
It really is totally different to a woman wanting a child as she is the one who has to endure all the drawbacks.

Could he possibly have regrets about his presence with the older 2? Or in a different position now?

Also tell him if your children ever have dcs he can be a full on grandparent. Looking after the child all the time whilst his own children work full time and go out. He can look forward to having the child full time in the school holidays too. I bet that will give him food for thought.

There any any number of rewarding, exciting hobbies that are cheaper than having another child!

I mean it's kind of sweet that he's broody, but he cannot have thought this through!!! 😯😯