At what point did you realise your marriage was over?

[FairyDoor1]

What occurred in that exact moment? Was it something small? What caused you to realise it was over?

Mine - Difficult to say just one thing but I can recall multiple things that he’s said to me over the years that have pushed me to the point of no return. We are still together(I’m planning my escape)and things are actually okay, we can get along better than we did but certain things he’s said are so unforgivable and they broke something in our marriage.

what you mean by put up and shut up? Do you mean that the poster shouldn’t be allowed speak of this and also choose not to leave?

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Did you leave him immediately?

@ABigBarofChocolate I'm ashamed to say no but we had a young child and I was pregnant with our second at the time and I was panicking but I left soon after the baby was born.

Oh I know how easy it is to stay. I'm glad you had the courage to leave eventually though xx

It was way back. H was always negative; a drinker; older than me.

I had been out to a club with a friend, dancing. Whilst we were there we heard staff talking about a news flash - the Gulf War had started.

Got home late, happy, and was surprised that H was still up. He was raging. 'Don't you realise what's happening?!' H shouted at me. 'Yes, it's awful' said I, calmly. Somehow he proceeded to blame me, or so it felt, for the start of the Gulf War!

That was it. Marriage over.

No, I mean if she's not going to leave what's the point in moaning about her situation? No one can help her, no matter how much they are willing to listen, if she won't leave. It's wasting everyone's time. She can still talk about it but it achieves nothing.

He had a small book in which he kept a log of the mileage I did going to work or shopping etc. He would make a calculation of how many miles it should be and complain to me if it was out by a few miles.
Wouldn't allow me to see my family only his.
Told me off for doing some gardening ( planting bulbs ) as apparently it reflected badly on him ( !?).Only men should do gardening.
Left me alone all day every birthday of course (spent it watching football etc with a friend.)
Didn't give me any money when I was pregnant and not earning.
Didn't go to pregnancy check ups, amnios etc.
Never once got up at night with babies.
Didn't think children needed play groups, clothes, hobbies, sports, so I had to arrange/pay for it all, ditto childcare so I could work.
Expected me to drive 80 miles round trip late at night with a baby and young son to pick him up when he was out.
Never went to any of their parents' evenings or competitions, concerts etc. (I tell a lie he went to one and sat and sulked all evening in the school hall.) It was so traumatic he never went again.
Was very unpleasant/shouted at female work colleague who brought me some flowers after I miscarried. Not sure why.
Used to go on holiday with a female 'friend'.
etc etc.

It's only when you write it down that your realise how stupid you were to tolerate it for so long. I guess was too busy to have time to think.

We’d been struggling for a few years and I knew it was going to end and that I was going to have to end it but I didn’t know how. One night he was ranting at our eight year old, he ran upstairs to me and exDH followed him and started ranting at the both of us, something just snapped and I calmly took the children and stayed with my mum until we could get back in our house.

When ex fil was yelling at exdh that ‘you really need to control your wife’ and exdh said ‘yes I know’

When the police knocked on my door and I found out why he’d been arrested 💔

When after refusing to talk to me for years he took a month off work and then threw my computer into the garden because I was chatting to other people.

I won't lie I had disengaged by then, the taking all of his holidays at once and monitoring me 24 hours acertainly sealed the fuck right off deal.

First marriage - he was abusive and I finally realised that, even if he was right and I'd never meet anyone else, I'd much rather be on my own than with him.

Second marriage - finding the naked photos on his phone after he assured me that he wouldn't cheat again.

I'm done with men.

Mine was plucking up the courage to say I wasn't happy and couldn't carry on like this, and asking if we could go to couples counselling, and him saying "no, go by yourself".

But tbh it was death by a thousand cuts. Loads and loads of incidental incidents over the years that eroded the love.

Lots of little things but the final straw was when I knew he was lying to my face, I gave him so many opportunities to backtrack but he kept the lie going. It made me realise that he thought I must be that stupid and it killed anything left I felt for him.
Got my ducks in a row and told him to leave a couple of months later. Never regretted it for a second.

What’s wrong with you? Is it some sort of trauma? Real unhappiness? Because if you’re perfectly happy and this is just your normal personality, you are fucked.

Not a marriage but a ltr. He asked me whether I trusted him and I couldn’t bring myself to say yes.

I think that's uncalled for.

If someone is unhappy but won't do anything about it, how can they be helped? What is to be gained from complaining but doing nothing about it?

This is exactly what I'm going through right now and I know it's over. For me, when it's over it's over but I need to get my ducks in a row. After this, I do not want another man near me ever again. I hate seeing him come home. I hate seeing his car on the drive when I have a relaxing late afternoon planned with the kids after school pick up, despite one can argue how relaxing that could be with two tired children only to see his car on the drive and know his in the kitchen preparing his disgusting food leaving mess everywhere I had cleaned up previously. Disrespectful man who is the most selfish person I have encountered. I am so much happier when he's not around and so much more relaxed. I get more things done at my own pace. I dread the weekends knowing he's going to be home being a useless twat dicking around thinking about stuffing food in his disgusting belly when there's kids at home who need attention.

I’ve not left my husband. But the thought is there a lot lately. My big moment of ‘who the fuck have I married?’ Was that the day after I found out my Mum had terminal cancer and I was upset that he was moaning to me about work and a few hours before has stormed out of the house and left me with our 2 young children because he was so ‘stressed’ with work he told me ‘it’s not all about you’. Something in me that day has changed how I feel about him and I’m not sure I will ever get over that comment.

You think what I said was uncalled for? 😂 That’s an interesting take.

People’s situations are complicated and there might be a million reasons that particular poster isn’t able to leave right now. More importantly, that poster wasn’t asking for help. They weren’t complaining. Nor were they asking for your opinion. They were just answering a question. All you’ve done is ensure that if they ever get to the stage where they might be able to leave, they won’t come on here to find support. How does that make you feel?

My Mum was dying from bowel cancer, she was single and was dying at home with carers coming in once a day..
Me and my sister came in twice a day between us so we were with her four times a day.
When Mum was in the actual dying time we both said we want to be with her at her last moment.
We visited and the Macmillan nurse said it's going to be today/tonight.
I said to my H can you please take the night off , look after the children so I can be with my Mum.
No, he said no I can't, I have to go to work.
My sister had a miscarriage that day, she was in hospital having to deal with her loss.
I went to stay with Mum as long as I could but then had to leave her because I had to go and look after my children because he couldn't take that one evening off work.
My Mum died on her own at 2am that night.
I was told by our Macmillan nurse at 7am that morning.
I will never forgive him.

@overthinker001

Did you split up immediately? Must have been so difficult.

@overthinker001

Sorry I've now seen your replies.

Why didn’t he just be with her then? Why did he have to go from his ex-wife who we cheated on to go to you