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Original poster

At what point did you realise your marriage was over?

102 replies

FairyDoor1 · 26/03/2025 16:03

What occurred in that exact moment? Was it something small? What caused you to realise it was over?

Mine - Difficult to say just one thing but I can recall multiple things that he’s said to me over the years that have pushed me to the point of no return. We are still together(I’m planning my escape)and things are actually okay, we can get along better than we did but certain things he’s said are so unforgivable and they broke something in our marriage.

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 28/03/2025 00:57

i realised he brought nothing to my life apart from seething resentment and my life would be a thousand times easier without him.
I just looked over at him one day and thought, you bring nothing to this family. told him to leave that night and never regretted it for a single day.

Iloveyoubut · 28/03/2025 10:58

2025willbemytime · 27/03/2025 18:37

No, I mean if she's not going to leave what's the point in moaning about her situation? No one can help her, no matter how much they are willing to listen, if she won't leave. It's wasting everyone's time. She can still talk about it but it achieves nothing.

Show quote history

coming to the realisation that you need to leave isn’t linear. It’s not as black and white as that. We talk through our situations, we ruminate, we figure things out, we grow, we gain new perspectives… that’s why we talk about things… it’s not always ‘moaning’ it’s often processing, grieving, gaining insight and confidence, realising how bad things have been when you actually say it out load to someone, even if that ‘someone’ is people on Mumsnet… sometimes just saying it is seeing it. It can be huge to say it! Never tell someone who is going through abuse not to talk about it. Talking about it is often what leads to someone finding the strength to leave if that’s what’s right for them and talking about it is often what makes the difference between surviving and not surviving when you can’t or feel you can’t leave. If you don’t want to listen that’s fine, but don’t tell anyone to put up or shut up. Please.

sherbertyellowteddy · 28/03/2025 11:47

I know it's over and has been for a while now, he thinks it's normal to have a "few arguments here and there" but it's him, he belittles me and puts me down. Everything in his life is my fault, I'm wrong about everything, I don't do enough. I've been called all the names under the sun.
If I had the money I'd walk away tomorrow and I think he would be utterly shocked. But unfortunately due to finances we are stuck living together for the foreseeable

Sulu17 · 28/03/2025 12:09

He had been so incredibly nasty to me, if I'm honest even before we married (I know, I know) so I suppose I wanted out almost as soon as we married. I loathed him quite a lot of the time, but he threatened me and frightened me, and I had nowhere to go (unsupportive family)

However, I eventually got him to leave 20 years later. The real point when I knew it was over was when he was threatening me as usual and suddenly it was like a switch flicked and I was suddenly unafraid of him. I actually remember turning to him and saying 'Oh! You don't scare me any more, I'm free of you!'. He was so taken aback that he said 'well, you SHOULD be scared !' But it was too late - freedom was beckoning me.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/03/2025 12:56

Mentally for me it was kind of over one evening out when I had found out about 5 months before of an emotional affair he had 10 years previously - I don’t know it wasn’t more but do know it was at least that. I was upset and all he said was ‘stop crying , you are making a fool of yourself , how bloody long do I have to wear the hair shirt for then -I’ve said I’m sorry’ - it kind of switched something off in my head- still married and we get on fine but 9 years on I’ve never felt 100% the same about us since.

mylittlekomododragon · 28/03/2025 14:54

These are absolutely chilling.

WhatIsCorndogs · 28/03/2025 15:36

PermanentTemporary · 26/03/2025 21:50

I'm embarrassed to say it was watching a film, but it was. Partly because I was staying up till 2am to avoid having to be in the same bed as him. Partly because I was watching the stupid, Hollywood version of a down to earth relationship, and I didn't think 'I should be able to have that kind of love' but I did think 'my relationship shouldn't be the thing that makes it hardest to get through the days'.

I had a similar thing, a mutual friend got into a relationship and he treated her so well. I thought to myself "that's how it should be" and it all fell apart. And I realised he was a controlling alcoholic narcissist soon after.

audreyandaubrey · 28/03/2025 16:17

Two things mainly among many. My mum came to stay for a few days and he refused to contribute any money for food for shared meals and he was getting in from work early and scoffing food he’d bought for himself and hid

Then on our wedding anniversary I borrowed a car and drove up to Yorkshire to take his mum for a day out to Scarborough then I drove back down to London the next day like a mug. I thought then that’s it! his mum will always come before me. I made plans to get out a week later.

Pennyswimsplash · 28/03/2025 17:54

Fantastic to read has so many of you seen the lights and was able to make the move. Did any of you have trouble getting them to move out when you ask them to? Only way out for me would be for me to leave & take 3 children under 12, hate uprooting the kids.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 28/03/2025 18:34

He was always horrible to me, verbally abusive, gaslighting, just nasty, but I had such a low self-esteem I married him and had a child with him anyway. He claimed I had hoodwinked him into becoming a father which I didn’t, he just changed his mind. Anyway eighteen months ago he told her that he’d wished she’d never been born. He was grieving at the time, but that’s no excuse in my eyes. Treat me like shit, bad enough, but to start on your daughter? Absolutely not, she’s innocent. As soon as I could I filled. DD is 18 now, still sees him, but I have no idea why, except she says she’s blocked out the unpleasantness. I am feeling a lot better with him away from me. I am not interested in finding another partner.

Sulu17 · 28/03/2025 18:42

Pennyswimsplash · 28/03/2025 17:54

Fantastic to read has so many of you seen the lights and was able to make the move. Did any of you have trouble getting them to move out when you ask them to? Only way out for me would be for me to leave & take 3 children under 12, hate uprooting the kids.

I know how you feel. Yes, in my case he wouldn't have left when we were younger and I didn't want to upset the children. He only eventually left after the children were a bit older and I had gone back to work - therefore I had independence. I also got a bit 'lucky' because one of his OW 'persuaded' him to leave me. I could have kissed her!

Never give up, keep working in order to gain financial independence.

NeedTheBeach · 28/03/2025 18:56

He wanted to rehome the (new, rescue) dog for scratching the sofa. Called her a 'demonic shit' and wouldn't even look at her. Doggy and I moved out 2 weeks later where we lived out the rest of her 12 years. She was one of the best dogs I've ever known, once she settled.

Insignificant compared to some of these, but it showed me he had no empathy, compassion or patience for something who didn't behave exactly as he wanted.

Pudmyboy · 28/03/2025 19:23

2025willbemytime · 27/03/2025 20:59

I think that's uncalled for.

If someone is unhappy but won't do anything about it, how can they be helped? What is to be gained from complaining but doing nothing about it?

Show quote history

Sometimes complaining brings things into focus, it can show how things have added up. Nothing like the issues PP have put, but, many years ago I was in a miserable relationship, met up with a friend who I hadn't seen for a while and who thought I wasn't in the relationship any longer. I had a good moan about the problems in the relationship and she said 'my god you must be so glad you are no longer together!'. It was a real light bulb moment for me, I hadn't realised how much I had been dragged down and how unhappy I was. I also realised there was no way back to the brief happy period at the beginning of the relationship. If I hadn't complained/ offloaded to my friend I would have carried on, miserable, for much longer. As it was, I ended it within the week. No regrets.

islamann · 28/03/2025 20:04

He was very late home after a night shift (no mobile phone, couldn’t be bothered to learn how to use one). I imagined him dying in a ditch somewhere and was relieved at the thought.
Thats when I knew.

WelshPool · 28/03/2025 20:40

It’s a very recent revelation, and he’s a bit blindsided by my decision, but he’s become my Dad not my husband.

littlesnatchabook · 28/03/2025 20:53

SareBear87 · 26/03/2025 22:41

We were on holiday, first one together in 5 years, and whilst sitting on a sun lounger, headphones on, it suddenly hit me that I would have rather been at home, pottering around the house and have him “work late/weekends” than be sitting next to him on a beautiful sandy beach. We basically spent the whole holiday doing our own thing, just meeting up for meals together. The realisation was a kick in the guts, especially as I’d just begun fertility investigations as I couldn’t seem to get pregnant (which was the final nail in the coffin when it turned out to be a sperm problem, which he’d known about BEFORE we’d married 7 years previously….).

I hope you don't mind me asking but did you go on to meet someone and have the children you wanted?

littlesnatchabook · 28/03/2025 21:10

Ilovemeggy38 · 27/03/2025 23:34

My Mum was dying from bowel cancer, she was single and was dying at home with carers coming in once a day..
Me and my sister came in twice a day between us so we were with her four times a day.
When Mum was in the actual dying time we both said we want to be with her at her last moment.
We visited and the Macmillan nurse said it's going to be today/tonight.
I said to my H can you please take the night off , look after the children so I can be with my Mum.
No, he said no I can't, I have to go to work.
My sister had a miscarriage that day, she was in hospital having to deal with her loss.
I went to stay with Mum as long as I could but then had to leave her because I had to go and look after my children because he couldn't take that one evening off work.
My Mum died on her own at 2am that night.
I was told by our Macmillan nurse at 7am that morning.
I will never forgive him.

This is so sad. Have you left him now?

ClawsandEffect · 28/03/2025 21:14

1 - Didn't get me an xmas gift, but got his mate both an xmas AND birthday gift (xmas birthday). And then on NYE, sitting in with his mate who'd just been dumped, he got drunk and slept downstairs, leaving me in the mate's spare room on my own.

2 - Convinced me to sell my house to move in with him, which I did. When I moved in, with all my stuff, the house was filthy, he'd not even cleared a space for my underwear and his adult daughter went into full-on attack on me.

NEVER having another relationship.

crouchendtigerr · 28/03/2025 21:20

When he was choosing clothes for his bit on the side, and I didn't give a crap and helped him

Awakeatnite · 28/03/2025 21:47

crouchendtigerr · 28/03/2025 21:20

When he was choosing clothes for his bit on the side, and I didn't give a crap and helped him

Did he know that you knew that it was clothes for his person on the side

ChaliceinWonderland · 28/03/2025 21:55

Six years ago when he was supposed to be watching his ds at football training but instead was getting drunk at the pub next door, unforgivable. I made plans and left shortly thereafter. This was thd final straw after many horrible moments including attacking hix children and coming back drunk every Sunday fir years.
When you know- you know,

eyesoncctv · 28/03/2025 22:07

@NeedTheBeachI love that. How sweet to read you and pup had so many happy years together!

NeedTheBeach · 28/03/2025 22:09

eyesoncctv · 28/03/2025 22:07

@NeedTheBeachI love that. How sweet to read you and pup had so many happy years together!

Thank you! I am happily remarried and DH and I have two spoiled labs 🙂

tellmesomethingtrue · 28/03/2025 22:27

When I realised when discussing the possibility of getting back together (after his affair) that his intentions were just for regular sex. I was gutted.

Beekeeper5 · 28/03/2025 23:31

When I was really crying one evening in bed because my perimenopausal hormones were all over the place and I needed a hug and he just ignored me and stared at the ceiling. When I asked him why he didn’t comfort me he said my crying was like white noise, he’d heard it so often.