So frustrated with DH and our marriage

[whoopdedooo]

Im looking for a sanity check please.

DH and I got in to a fairly big row this morning and as always I’m the one being portrayed as the guilty party.

We have two DC 5/7 and have agreed months ago that they won’t have any devices before school. This is because on the days I take them I cannot get them off of their devices and it leads to upset and unnecessary stress for me and DC.

it’s been going really well and we’ve all noticed a positive change.

last week DH reintroduced their games consoles in the morning without any discussion or any reason. I spoke to him at the time and explained it really impacts DCs behaviour and causes lots of issues.

he agreed but this morning DC told be they played consoles yesterday and kept pestering me for them.

when DH came down I asked him to try to stick with what we’d agreed or at least let’s work together to find a solution. I was jolly and calm as it’s only a passing thing and I thought we’d easily navigate it.

he starts banging cupboard doors and huffing. Getting in a real sulk. When I asked what was wrong and if he was in fact sulking he started raising his voice while accusing me of being aggressive.

he then told me I’m forcing him to parent my way and that the conversation is over. While shouting over me while I tried to reason with him.

i told him he can’t dictate all conversation in our home and he storms off shouting I’d never treat you this way.

He can never hear anything negative about himself and many conversations go this way.

Apparently I have to expect him to be furious whenever I make any comment that doesn’t show him as the star of the show and then let him go away and cool off before expecting him to hold a reasonable conversation.

this feel ridiculous to me. Am I wrong?!

They don’t need devices at all at 5 and 7, and definitely not in the morning. The two of you should be able to discuss these things calmly and away from the kids. Were they witnessing his strop and this argument?

Yes DC heard and then my eldest was upset. I had gone in to another room to discuss calmly but then DH gets in a strop and they can hear him.

I really try to discuss things with an open mind and without being overbearing but the response in always that I’m doing it all wrong somehow. It’s utterly exhausting

He wants to play Disney dad and absolve himself of doing any real parenting, hence giving the devices.

There is no need for kids to be on devices first thing in the morning.

He needs to be an adult.

So he can get them off the devices in the mornings he does - why what does he do differently

I mean at that age they shouldn’t be having devices at all

Besides the devices this response is not okay, right? He makes me doubt myself so much. I feel awful now and then I end up backing down and apologising to him

The fact is, he’s not parenting when putting a device/video game in front of them before school. So you’re not criticising his parenting - you’re objecting to his lazy lack thereof.

Now, if he wants to throw a strop, and then pull out the victim cards because you’re highlighting that, that’s his prerogative - but he has to be aware of his audience who’ll learn from his example.

The kids need a united front - not to watch their dad not care about what their mum thinks and then give them video games because he can’t handle them before school.

No not at all - and is that doubt why you can’t get the devices off becuase on your mornings he undermines you

DC are like zombies once they’ve had screen time. It’s a battle to get them ready and out the door. It always ends with someone crying or saying they want to stay at home etc.

frankly it’s a hassle I can do without as I need to get them to school and back home to log on for work.

when he takes them in the mornings they just do what he says apparently but I’m not there so don’t know that for certain.

for me the bigger issue is that we can’t discuss anything (that’s how it feels) without it being a massive battle.

I now feel like shit and he’s in his office with a sulk on and this will continue until he decides he’s had enough.

I’m now divorced but I had a very confusing marriage.

The situation you described sounds so similar to all the things that went on in my marriage.

What I have realised in hindsight was that instead of having an equal relationship, my husband was in fact “managing me”.

We would have a conversation where I thought that we had agreed a course of action - parenting, house work, decoration, socialising etc, etc. But in fact my husband had no intention of doing this. He had decided himself that he wanted to do things his way, with no accountability to me, and had simply agreed with me to shut me up.

In his mind, I wasn’t worth the respect for us to have a conversation where he was honestly putting forward his ideas or opinions and for us to have a discussion where we reached a compromise or joint decision.

So when he failed to do what I thought we had BOTH agreed to, then I was the one at fault. I was the one always criticising him and finding fault. I don’t know if his anger when I brought up something I was honestly confused about was deliberate, or a result of his very fragile ego - but it had his intended purpose, over the years I let him get away with this behaviour because the fall out from him was too upsetting for me.

I don’t know if this is what is going on in your marriage - but it is one explanation for their very confusing behaviour.

Obviously the other one is he just wants an easy life (so gives in to the screens), then won’t be criticised- so throws a strop.

Thank you@Imgoingtobefree

I do feel managed in a sense. I also feel ignored.

a lot of things have happened recently but it’s almost like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

DH looked stunned this morning when I firmly told him to stop shouting and speaking over me and pointed out that he was in fact the one being aggressive while accusing me.

When he speaks I stop what I’m doing to listen and actively engage. When I speak he carries on working, starts gazing around or worst case wanders off.

Ive always been interested in him and his life and feelings. My thoughts, feelings and activities seem to be I’ve very little interest to him.

I did something really exciting for myself yesterday. He showed very little interest when I came home and tried to tell him about it.

it’s all so disappointing ☹️

He’s sabotaging your mornings isn't he. Then using your valid reaction to that as an excuse to be abusive. It’s a stitch up.

You said you listen intently to what he’s saying. Stop doing that, treat him how he treats you. Don’t listen to him for even a second while he is shouting, talking over you or being aggressive. Walk out of the room.

Let him do the morning routine every single day. Seeing as he is so great at it.
if he wants your help, it’s no devices . End of.

He’s since come down to “clear the air” and is most perturbed I won’t just sweep his behaviour under the carpet.

claims he only reacted badly because I accused him of sulking.

In his version I launched some type of attack on him and accused him of sulking and then proceeded to bully him.

none of which is remotely based in fact.

I pointed out that he was in fact sulking and I was trying to clarify that that was the case as I was surprised by such an overreaction.

Always ALWAYS the victim

He didn’t come down to clear the air. He came down to gaslight you and play the victim. He’s not the only one who can end a conversation. The minute he gaslights you end the conversation immediately.

He sounds emotionally abusive.

Read up on what cortisol does to a developing brain. Your kids are being taught to appease the angry man, to walk on eggshells, that men stonewall and women are for appeasing them.

The man chooses to behave like this often because he enjoys it. You can choose whether the marriage serves you and your kids.

If he allows the children to have the devices then he does all the parenting and getting to school in the mornings. No exceptions.

But honestly OP, he is trying to sabotage and undermine you. Your children are starting to view you as a "less than" parent because your H views you as a "less than" human. Your thoughts and opinions are not worthy.

Look up emotional abuse and look up DARVO. If your marriage appears confusing no matter what you do or say then that is usually a good sign you are being abused/gaslit.

DARVO anyone?

Edit: Whoops, cross post! Sorry.

What's going on? Have you never been able to have a simple discussion without him banging things, shouting and sulking?

Is this a new development? Is he under stress or experienced any big changes such as bereavement?

I can't see how you can parent children together if you can't have a simple discussion.

I can’t bear sulking in a grown man, it’s so utterly revolting. Ditto flouncing about dramatically like a teenager, using DARVO and interrupting to shut you up when he doesn’t like what you’re saying.

If he is going to refuse to honour any agreements between you about parenting and blithely take the lazy option every time he has them, then what is the point of being married to him? He doesn’t sound likeable or supportive, he isn’t a team player and he shows you no respect. At least if you split, you’ll have a clear demarcation between your house rules and his, and you won’t have to put up with his amateur dramatics.

Christ it seems you have 2 small dc and a moody teenager. Not an attractive quality.. And The Silent Treatment was one of the reasons I had grounds for my divorce years ago. It is acknowledged as a sign of abuse....
Unelss you are 15..

My DH is a bit like this. Highly critical dad made him allergic to criticism and apologising. However, with some communication, he knows this about himself. And can head it off at the path. And I can point it out.

The difference is he's a good, engaged father who will stick to agreed boundaries. And doesn't sulk.

I think individual counselling to work out why he reacts so poorly to boundaries is a good idea. But you could try couple's counselling to talk about communication.

He is a narcissist...same as mine....always the victim.

I'd start by removing the devices entirely so they can't be dished out whenever he wants to switch off his children. The alternative is that you remove yourself entirely and he can takeover entirely and get the kids to school on a solo basis.

As for the rest, I would not want to live like this.

He’s always been like this but it’s definitely got worse as times gone on and it was less obvious when we were first together.

It’s also quite hit and miss. Sometimes we can have a reasonable conversation and he’s absolutely fine. Other times he’s like he was this morning.

The thread that runs through it all though is that he is the victim in 99% of events and everything is more difficult/worse/harder for him.

Playing devil's advocate here but on the flip side, it sounds like you don't both agree on the no screens rule, so I can see his point a bit. Like you, DH and I do school drop offs on different days, and I'd resent being told how to do it on my days. Mine are allowed screens once they are dressed and ready, do they NEED screens before school? No, but there are a lot of things DC don't need that doesn't make a crap parent. If my DH decides he doesn't want screens that's his call, on his mornings but it's a low level thing (imo) and you should both be allowed to parent the way you decide as long as you are united on the big stuff. DH leaves later than me, I'd find that stressful as it can be hard to park etc, I choose,to leave earlier, again personal preference on our own days.

Yanbu in expecting him to handle the conversation with respect but equally it sounds like (and correct me if I'm wrong) you started the conversation in front of DC.

I do think you need to have a proper talk about how you both argue and deal with issues but I also think you need to respect each other's right to make small day to day decisions, and maybe focus on why / how he is not having the issues you do with DC and the screens.

Suppose you separate, he will then be free to make those choices for DC on his time so that's not going to resolve this issue for you. It sounds like there are wider issues but I think you both need to just work on how you can communicate better