So frustrated with DH and our marriage

[whoopdedooo]

Im looking for a sanity check please.

DH and I got in to a fairly big row this morning and as always I’m the one being portrayed as the guilty party.

We have two DC 5/7 and have agreed months ago that they won’t have any devices before school. This is because on the days I take them I cannot get them off of their devices and it leads to upset and unnecessary stress for me and DC.

it’s been going really well and we’ve all noticed a positive change.

last week DH reintroduced their games consoles in the morning without any discussion or any reason. I spoke to him at the time and explained it really impacts DCs behaviour and causes lots of issues.

he agreed but this morning DC told be they played consoles yesterday and kept pestering me for them.

when DH came down I asked him to try to stick with what we’d agreed or at least let’s work together to find a solution. I was jolly and calm as it’s only a passing thing and I thought we’d easily navigate it.

he starts banging cupboard doors and huffing. Getting in a real sulk. When I asked what was wrong and if he was in fact sulking he started raising his voice while accusing me of being aggressive.

he then told me I’m forcing him to parent my way and that the conversation is over. While shouting over me while I tried to reason with him.

i told him he can’t dictate all conversation in our home and he storms off shouting I’d never treat you this way.

He can never hear anything negative about himself and many conversations go this way.

Apparently I have to expect him to be furious whenever I make any comment that doesn’t show him as the star of the show and then let him go away and cool off before expecting him to hold a reasonable conversation.

this feel ridiculous to me. Am I wrong?!

Put all the devices in the bin
He's huffy because you are right
Your children don't need devices they need time and attention, looks like he's on the lazy parenting side

My DCs have devices sometimes in a morning, I dont agree that its lazy parenting at all. They're ready for school and I get 20 minutes to get myself ready for work and get their bags ready. Am I supposed to sit with them the whole morning parenting them, or am I ok to have time to myself getting ready?
I allow this because my DCs have never once had an issue turning their devices off when its time to go. They dont react like yours, zombies as you called it, or having a strop. The one time they do that and they wont have them anymore, but we haven't had that yet so I really dont see an issue until then.
I agree if yours struggle to put them away then its fair to say no, but your DH obviously isnt on the same page. I wouldnt be happy having my decision undermined and with him behaving like a child when you've challenged him. Your rules arent exactly unfair or causing any harm so he should respect them, especially if hes agreed then gone back on his word. Just keep reinforcing the rule and your DH will have to deal with it.

Your DH is just upset because he's wrong and doesn't want to admit it.

My son and nephew have the same reactions over devices and getting unreasonably upset when asked to turn them off. My son doesn't have one (just access at his grandmother's who lives out of town) and my nephew is only allowed to do educational programs and drawing on his now.

It sounds like you've got bigger relationship problems than disagreeing over screen time. Would you consider couple's counselling?

I agree with you about no devices. I may be a stickler here but I don’t even have the tv on before school for the same reason as you. We eat breakfast together and chat before school. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for asking him to work with you.

They're 7 and 5 they don't need devices before school. Mine don't get devices at all before school and no TV until they're dressed and their stuff for school ready to take out when we have to leave. Your husband sounds like a knob to be honest and he needs to learn how to behave like an adult

If you've worked together to keep them off the devices, and it's worked and helped, then surely he would see that's best for them. School mornings are stressful and busy enough as it is, without dealing with tantrums and arguments. Your husband is wrong to shout at you and cause an argument. Does your husband argue about other things that can then be blown up?

it Sounds like the issue isn’t the devices but your conflict style and it sounds like he can get very defensive. Have you heard of the four horses of the apocalypse in an argument?
defensiveness
contempt
criticism
stonewalling
I read a book called Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. It was sooooooo helpful at helping my husband and I navigate conflict. I totally recommend it.

Yeah, that’s because he’s an abusive twat. He uses rage and aggression, plus DARVO, to force you to behave how he wants. He’s trying to condition you into never challenging him.

Any chance he might have ADHD (diagnosed or undiagnosed)?

Does ADHD (diagnosed or undiagnosed) turn you into an abusive person who uses DARVO? Does ADHD let you agree a workable plan with your partner, implement it successfully for weeks, then makes you stop that plan before getting angry and blaming your partner for that anger?

Did I say that it did??? No.

Many (most) people with ADHD have rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), and which means he may take any hint of criticism MUCH harder than most.

It’s definitely not an excuse for abusive behaviour in any way.

OP, he is an abusive bully.
It is really that simple.
Shout louder, dismiss, grind you down, attack and then lie.
He is not be be reasoned with, liars never are.

Devices in the morning is absolute madness.
It totally derail the morning and puts children in a foul mood.
Television was the same for my children.

I think you need therapy for yourself, not with him.
He is toxic and your children are now being impacted.
Time to think about this relationship.

Then why post asking if he had it? It's not going to make OPs life any easier, it's not going to stop the children being confused or upset or scared of their father's behaviour.

he starts banging cupboard doors and huffing. Getting in a real sulk. When I asked what was wrong and if he was in fact sulking he started raising his voice while accusing me of being aggressive.

^ This is what OP is dealing with.

He’s reenacting his childhood trauma which means he’s in the role of child (victim) and you’re in the role of parent (perpetrator).

It sounds a bit like your making the rules, regardless of whether they need them at that age you are deciding for both you. As the other parent he needs an opinion too.

I imagine he gets them out of the house on his days by yelling at them.

That's unfair. Everyone knows screens cause problems in the morning. She'd weaned her children off them and then he undermined her.

That’s fine. My comments weren’t for you anyway. I’ve read the thread.

Finding the root cause of behaviours can go a long way towards improvement in behaviours and therapy.

His behaviour isn’t acceptable, but whether the OP stays with him or not, it would be good if he got help for the sake of his children at the least. That’s why getting help for an undiagnosed condition may help.

He's fine sometimes because he has to play nice enough to keep you from leaving.
What he's doing is blame-shifting. It's part of emotional abuse.
As others have suggested, look it up, and I'm sure much will resonate.
It's unlikely to change, and may get worse, unfortunately. Been there, too!

Easy. Mornings with dad equal devices, mornings with you don't. Kids will learn the difference .

So you say no devices and that means he has to go along with it? That sounds like one person dictating to the other

Obviously he managed to get them to school and if he had that many problems I'm sure he'd agree with her decision.

Yes, this!

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! They do not need devices and he is wrong to undermine you. The sulking and aggression is ridiculous. Feeling bad and guilty will please him. Don't give an inch, say the devices are absolutely unacceptable, the way he spoke to you is unacceptable and if he tries it again the conversation is over until he can address you with respect. Hide the devices. Sorry you're being given a hard time for what is a good parenting decision.