Feel like we are a burden on my parents

[MikeL1993]

Me and my gf have a little boy who is coming up to 10 months old now and we absolutely love him to pieces, he is perfect. My gf has recently gone back to work part time after maternity so our son is in nursery two days a week and my mum has him one day a week.

However, we are feeling like we are being a burden with my mum looking after him. When we first went looking around nurseries this time last year my mum said that she will have our boy one day a week, when we asked which day works best for her she said she would have him on a Tuesday. We asked her if she was sure about this as she already picks up our nephew from school on a Tuesday and has him for tea as well as my nan also goes round for tea but she assured us she could cope.

Fast forward to this week and today is the first time my mum will be having our son until I finish work at 5pm and pick him up. My gf has been back at work for a month now but her shifts have always landed so that she finished at lunchtime on a Tuesday but today is the first time she is working until 7pm. So last night my mum rang and asked if I could pick my little boy up at 3:30 today, I asked why as I am working until 5 and she said "well me and your dad have just been thinking that with me picking up my nephew from school at 4 and your nan is coming it may be a bit hectic." So I am now having to finish work early and lose out on pay because of this. All this despite my mum assuring us over 12 months ago she could manage.

We just feel like a burden on our parents if we ever ask them to help us out, for the record they have had our son 3 times in 10 months. For example I needed to order something for my house and asked my mum if she could watch my little boy for me for 20 minutes on this coming Saturday to which she said she could so I ordered what I needed to order and arranged to pick it up on Saturday, only for my mum to say two days later that she now can't watch him for 20 minutes because her and my dad have decided to go out for the day instead so now I will have to take him with me.

There have been a lot of other instances lately that have really got to me and made me feel like we are burdening my parents, they can tell something is wrong with me but I don't want to tell them as I know it will cause an argument. My girlfriend has said we should just stop asking them for any help as there clearly seems to be an issue with us asking them to help out. But another issue is that my girlfriends family are useless so we can't ask them for help either. We feel like we literally have no one.

What can we do?

I would have an honest conversation with them, if you are that kind of family.
But it does sound as though they have had enough and I am with your girlfriend- you need to stop asking them.

This is the bizarre thing though, when they see my boy they just clearly love and adore him but they never offer to have him. We have always had to ask, but on the flip side just a few weeks ago my mum told me they were having my nephew for the day and taking him out so I asked if my sister and brother in law where going somewhere and the response was "no we just offered to take him out."

But they have never done that with us.

I agree with your girlfriend, just stop asking them.

I would just get the extra day booked in for childcare because it’s not practical for you to be finishing work early every Tuesday & clearly this day doesn’t work for your parents despite what they say so you need to arrange for nursery to do that day too.

It is hard when you don’t have the support you thought you would have but, speaking from experience, life does get far easier when you just accept people for who they are and your expectations change. It is awful to be let down, and we have this with my PIL, I’d spend the rest of my life miserable & frustrated if I expected help from them because it will never come, but as it is both my husband and I accept they aren’t the helpful kind, they’re a card at birthday & Christmas people, with that expectation of them we can’t be disappointed.

How old is your nephew though OP?

My daughter is 11 months old & I would say it is far easier to take say a 3+ year old out for the day than it is a child my daughters age, we still have to factor in naps/bottles, she won’t sit in a pram all day but isn’t walking yet so it’s trying to think of somewhere she can have a crawl if we’re going to to out for the day etc.

If you have a good relationship with your parents I would bring it up. At first they asked you the time and then she asks you to pick him up early, not much help at the end.

Have an open conversation because you clearly need the help and it may cause resentment if you don't talk it out, especially since they are already helping with your nephew, they should help both equally.

Your parents are not supporting you that well at all as it’s better not to offer than drop out at the last minute and cause pressure on parents that thought childcare was sorted.

Try to think how you can have a calm non-accusatory, but curious conversation with BOTH your parents (childcare not just for your mum presumably as your dad needs to support too if your baby is in their home) and ask if they want to be involved in giving this help or actually would prefer not to and how do they want to cinnect with new GC?

If they take offence that is on them and you can never ask them again and make a network of other supportive friends and relatives. Do you know other young parents? Can you set up a reciprocal arrangement where you help each out?

Usually they are the helpful type but for some reason over the past few months they have done a complete 180. I just see how they help with my nephew and wonder why we aren't getting that same type of help. I am wondering a bit that as my little sister is getting married in Summer (she doesn't have kids) this is completely distracting my mum and dad from everything else going on around them.

My nephew is 7

Your nephew is school age. They can take him out with no equipment bar a car seat.

Your baby is at a difficult stage- mobile, needing equipment, needing the house child proofed. He will be for the next two or so years.

You need a chat- not a criticism but a conversation- about how they find looking after him. Along the lines of, ‘I know you love him to bits, and we love him spending time with you, but babies are hard work! Has it been ok having him? If it’s a struggle we’ll need to put him on the list for nursery, for when they have a space. I really need to sort childcare so I can work my full hours.’

I do think it’s a bit unreasonable to compare them looking after a 7 year old & a 10 month old- as someone who has an 11 month old daughter & a 5 year old godson.

Taking a 7 year old out for the day, easy. Having a 7 year old in the house for the day, easy. As long as you have a toilet, food & water you’re sorted.

With a 10 month old it’s naps, weaning, bottles, formula, baby proofing the house, pram, highchair etc, it’s not anywhere near as easy to be out for day or in for the day, they do take 24/7 supervision at this age. I can’t take my eyes off my daughter for a second, she’s into everything.

It sounds like your parents have a lot on at the moment and maybe it’s worth a chat to see what is actually feasible at the moment, no judgement, just to allow you to make your own plans and sort childcare.

Yeah I sort of agree with this. You can love a child and not want to be in sole charge of them.

My daughter is 11 months old and my grandparents absolutely adore her, love her, are obsessed with her, but there’s no way they would want to or be capable of looking after her. She’s fast, she’s into everything, pulling herself up on everything, everything goes in her mouth, it’s easy-ish in our house because it’s all baby proofed but expecting someone else to have her for the day would mean expecting them to baby proof OR basically crawl around after her all day keeping her out of trouble, it’s not doable

It's not just during the week though there have been instances where they have said they will have him on a weekend and then back out. This weekend when I asked for just 20 minutes is one example but also, as my sister is getting married me and my dad have been invited on the stag do and I really don't want to go as they are not my thing. Long story short my dad is paying for me to go so I am essentially being forced to go, I said to my mum she will have to have our son on the Saturday I am away to which she agreed only to turn around a few weeks ago and say she can't have him. So my gf has had to take the weekend off work and now she doesn't have enough holidays left this year to allow us to take our little boy away for a few days in November.

Additionally a new cinema has opened in our town, my parents have been a few times on their own and have also taken my nephew and they say it's really good we should go but then don't offer to have our son to enable us to go. I'm not even saying we would say yes but it's just nice to know they would offer.

But surely you then say "oh sorry I cant go on the stag then as X is working?"

We had this with FIL.
He would always be offering help/ asking to have DC ( with his wife).
Over 20+ years they actually had DC once , for 2 hours. We had asked them to have the DC for 4 hours as we were helping to move my parents into a flat.
2 hours into moving they rang DH to say friends had dropped in and they had decided to go out to lunch, so we would have to collect DC .
Some people love the idea of having the children around, but the reality is too much for them.
My FIL and his wife also adored our DC 🤷‍♀️

Yeah this. My husbands response would have been that as the agreement was for her to do childcare to enable me to go, if that was no longer doable then I’d not be going.

As others have said, a 7 year old is easier than a 10 month old, but did they look after your nephew when he was a baby?

Perhaps they thought they could do it, but now they're older they're realising it's more tiring and full on than they expected.

I think some grandparents get really excited when babies come along and promise the earth without really thinking about what they can manage. For your sanity I'd book full time childcare and lower your expectations of them.

Trust me, that would just start an argument again

I think the simple answer is that a 7 year old is easier to look after than a 10 month old. They can amuse themselves and don’t need constant interaction. If they go out a pram / changing bag etc. isn’t needed - can just go. It’s easier in a car or on public transport. I suspect your parents find a baby harder work than they realised it would be. You need an honest conversation with them to agree expectations on both sides , but tend to agree with your GF that it is probably best not to rely on them. Don’t get hung up or bitter about your nephew - your parents probably had much more energy when he was younger and now find a baby hard work as they have got older.

Yep they had him for the first time for a weekend when he was 3 months old, we have asked them to have our little boy for one night in May and I could tell they didn't really want to say yes.

It's not like my parents are old though, my dad is 55 and my mum is 58.

My girlfriend booked the weekend off work because it would be the lesser of two evils than for me to say I'm not going again.

But why is it that you would rather inconvenience your girlfriend than be straight with your parents?

Do you think that’s going to go down well if you continue to do that?

I wouldn’t be annoyed at my husband if his mum cancelled childcare, but I would absolutely be annoyed if my husband expected me to re-arrange my life to avoid him having to say to his mum “well actually okay but this is the consequence of those actions”.

I’d advise planning your life so that you don’t need any help off anyone. Anything that is offered is then a bonus. Being totally reliant on extended family for childcare is a miserable existence.

My girlfriend was the one who told me to still go on the stag do because she couldn't be bothered with the drama again. I was going to tell my parents I couldn't go but then she told me she had already booked the weekend off work.

You need reliable childcare. This isn't working.