Feel like we are a burden on my parents

[MikeL1993]

Me and my gf have a little boy who is coming up to 10 months old now and we absolutely love him to pieces, he is perfect. My gf has recently gone back to work part time after maternity so our son is in nursery two days a week and my mum has him one day a week.

However, we are feeling like we are being a burden with my mum looking after him. When we first went looking around nurseries this time last year my mum said that she will have our boy one day a week, when we asked which day works best for her she said she would have him on a Tuesday. We asked her if she was sure about this as she already picks up our nephew from school on a Tuesday and has him for tea as well as my nan also goes round for tea but she assured us she could cope.

Fast forward to this week and today is the first time my mum will be having our son until I finish work at 5pm and pick him up. My gf has been back at work for a month now but her shifts have always landed so that she finished at lunchtime on a Tuesday but today is the first time she is working until 7pm. So last night my mum rang and asked if I could pick my little boy up at 3:30 today, I asked why as I am working until 5 and she said "well me and your dad have just been thinking that with me picking up my nephew from school at 4 and your nan is coming it may be a bit hectic." So I am now having to finish work early and lose out on pay because of this. All this despite my mum assuring us over 12 months ago she could manage.

We just feel like a burden on our parents if we ever ask them to help us out, for the record they have had our son 3 times in 10 months. For example I needed to order something for my house and asked my mum if she could watch my little boy for me for 20 minutes on this coming Saturday to which she said she could so I ordered what I needed to order and arranged to pick it up on Saturday, only for my mum to say two days later that she now can't watch him for 20 minutes because her and my dad have decided to go out for the day instead so now I will have to take him with me.

There have been a lot of other instances lately that have really got to me and made me feel like we are burdening my parents, they can tell something is wrong with me but I don't want to tell them as I know it will cause an argument. My girlfriend has said we should just stop asking them for any help as there clearly seems to be an issue with us asking them to help out. But another issue is that my girlfriends family are useless so we can't ask them for help either. We feel like we literally have no one.

What can we do?

Trust me I have made my feelings very clear about the stag do but I have basically been told I am being unreasonable for not wanting to go. My girlfriend is still adamant I should go and try and enjoy myself but I just know I'm not going to enjoy it. I have already decided if I do go and my parents ask me how it was I will tell them straight I didn't enjoy it and it was a waste of time.

Oh, for God's sake, don't be such a martyr. What's the point in forcing yourself to go on the stag do, with a face like a slapped arse, to avoid a row if you're going to adopt such a row-inducing attitude afterwards?!

You have the perfect reason to pull out - no childcare - which also gives you an opportunity to say, We've decided to put baby Quentin into nursery on Tuesdays too, to give us all a better routine.

If your girlfriend was posting her side of things on here, we’d all be telling her that the problem is you.

I was with you until you said your plans for the stag do are to go along, spend the weekend with a face like a smacked arse, then cause an argument that you supposedly don’t want to have by being a total dick if/when asked about the weekend.

Put your child in nursery on Tuesdays, cancel your attendance at the stag do, and grow the fuck up.

Well, if you say you didn’t enjoy it and it was a waste of time (not to mention MONEY), then that will go badly. Better to stay home, save money and your gf’s leave, and live with fallout, cos it seems there will be fall out whatever you do. So please yourself!

Are you by any chance the eldest child in your family? Only reason I ask is that I am, and when I had my first baby I was massively triggered by feeling like a burden. Like the typical eldest child I’d always got on and been self sufficient and independent. When I had a baby I HAD to ask for help and rely on people and it was very triggering. Brought up lots of deep feeling of being a burden and feeling like I had no one to rely on.

just a thought.

the other posters have all given excellent advice on how to deal with it.

Your parents are the types where saying they want to help is enough, the follow through isn’t as important to them. Very frustrating and very immature but you can’t change them. I suspect that if you try to communicate your disappointment about their behaviour, they will see it as an attack and act like the victims. So don’t bother.

Arrange alternative childcare but if they ask, be as neutral in your honesty as possible. Something like, that daycare offers you the continuity that works best for your situation.

Its always hard when the realities of a family dynamic hit home.

I don't really want to say anything because it will descend into an argument.

So if you have the argument, what's the worst that can happen? They don't seem to be adding much to your lives.

Nothing worse than parents/pil/siblings saying they are going to help and don’t, would rather they just say they don’t want to so you can make plans. PIL were the worst they wanted to childcare to their schedule instead of my work schedule, i think it was some kind of control thing. It didn’t work and I had to move to paid childcare.