Feel like we are a burden on my parents

[MikeL1993]

Me and my gf have a little boy who is coming up to 10 months old now and we absolutely love him to pieces, he is perfect. My gf has recently gone back to work part time after maternity so our son is in nursery two days a week and my mum has him one day a week.

However, we are feeling like we are being a burden with my mum looking after him. When we first went looking around nurseries this time last year my mum said that she will have our boy one day a week, when we asked which day works best for her she said she would have him on a Tuesday. We asked her if she was sure about this as she already picks up our nephew from school on a Tuesday and has him for tea as well as my nan also goes round for tea but she assured us she could cope.

Fast forward to this week and today is the first time my mum will be having our son until I finish work at 5pm and pick him up. My gf has been back at work for a month now but her shifts have always landed so that she finished at lunchtime on a Tuesday but today is the first time she is working until 7pm. So last night my mum rang and asked if I could pick my little boy up at 3:30 today, I asked why as I am working until 5 and she said "well me and your dad have just been thinking that with me picking up my nephew from school at 4 and your nan is coming it may be a bit hectic." So I am now having to finish work early and lose out on pay because of this. All this despite my mum assuring us over 12 months ago she could manage.

We just feel like a burden on our parents if we ever ask them to help us out, for the record they have had our son 3 times in 10 months. For example I needed to order something for my house and asked my mum if she could watch my little boy for me for 20 minutes on this coming Saturday to which she said she could so I ordered what I needed to order and arranged to pick it up on Saturday, only for my mum to say two days later that she now can't watch him for 20 minutes because her and my dad have decided to go out for the day instead so now I will have to take him with me.

There have been a lot of other instances lately that have really got to me and made me feel like we are burdening my parents, they can tell something is wrong with me but I don't want to tell them as I know it will cause an argument. My girlfriend has said we should just stop asking them for any help as there clearly seems to be an issue with us asking them to help out. But another issue is that my girlfriends family are useless so we can't ask them for help either. We feel like we literally have no one.

What can we do?

It sounds like your mum has taken on too much with having your nephew and your baby at the same time as well as having your Nan round! I’d not rely on this for childcare - book your baby into nursery.

Whilst it’s fun to be a grandparents, the slog of actually looking after small children is not so fun. Maybe they want the glory but none of the work! Maybe they’ve forgotten what it’s really like. Maybe they feel like they’ve done their time and now they are entitled to do what they like. Whatever it is, you can’t rely on them to back you up. Start building an alternative network of friends and other family or paid babysitters. Being a parent can be horribly lonely 😞

Then I think you need to listen to what both your girlfriend and parents are saying.

Your girlfriend says it’s time to stop asking your parents for help and your parents have showed you clearly that they do not want to provide help, so you know where you stand.

To be blunt, it seems like the problem is you are scared of asserting yourself with your parents.

You really can’t compare a nice day out with a 7yo to looking after a 10month old. I think your wife is right - you just should stop asking because although they say they will help with words then they aren’t actually doing it. My mum was similar so I’m sympathetic. She never would have had my dc in a regular day or to help with work but she made loads of offers of babysitting or school pick ups or taking one dc to swimming lessons etc that she didn’t follow through on. I just didn’t ask in the end and turned down her many offers because having someone say “yes” when they mean “no” is worse than not having help at all. As for the stag - you are going away for the weekend to an event you don’t want to go to at the expense of going away with your own wife and own child - this a staggeringly fucked up dynamic and you should reflect on that.

You and your girlfriend need to make childcare plans. You also each have weeks of parental leave each year.
Your posts come across like you're shocked by your parents not wanting to babysit, and helpless.

Now you know they don't want sole responsibility for a young baby you'll have to buy more childcare.

Just tell them you can't attend the stag do. Arguments happen when two people with opposing views clash. That's not the case here, you would just be stating a fact, so don't indulge them in arguing.

Having care for a baby when both parents work is hard. It sounds as though your parents cannot provide the level of reliable care you understandly need. So you need to make alternative arangements for a while. As for going along with you parents wishes, and the impact that has, well that is your responsibility to address but the answer seems simple.

I can see exactly where your parents are coming from TBH, I’m early 40s and wouldn’t fancy looking after a baby or very young child. They’re absolutely exhausting at that age.

Whatever their reasons are, it’s perfectly clear they aren’t willing to provide childcare and so you need to now make other arrangements.

I’m sure they love your DC and want to spend time with him, but they may not want to do that in the form of childcare. They’re perfectly entitled to make that choice if they so wish.

Trust me I have made my feelings very clear about the stag do but I have basically been told I am being unreasonable for not wanting to go. My girlfriend is still adamant I should go and try and enjoy myself but I just know I'm not going to enjoy it.

I have already decided if I do go and my parents ask me how it was I will tell them straight I didn't enjoy it and it was a waste of time.

My mum feels good offering to help- but rarely comes through in a useful way. I think you should make alternate arrangements, nursery, a friendly neighbour that might help if its only for 20 minutes and you can just give them the odd bottle of wine as a thanks. Ask around, start to build these useful relationships. Stop asking your parents, unreliable help is worse than no help.

This is bizarre. No.

Stand up to your parents and put your family first. Don’t do things you don’t want to do at the expense of your partner and child.

I think you all have a communication problem. Be clearer in your requests and expectations. Tell her it is no good saying yes, if she then changes her mind as it then screws everyone's arrangements up.

You need to stand up for yourself with the stag do. I'm sure your parents are old enough to understand natural consequences.

Your gf is right- your mum can not be relied on for childcare. It’s much easier to never ask or rely on childcare from her so that you’re not left scrambling for alternatives when she changes her mind and don’t feel disappointed. Your mum clearly uses the threat of drama to get her own way and control you like a little child. Try to look out for these traps eg the stag do where paying for you created the obligation for you to attend.

It's not even about inconveniencing your girlfriend. She's using the last of her annual leave and you're thereby foregoing a planned opportunity to have time with your son as a family. You need to prioritise your family and stand up to your parents now that you're a father.

I agree with this. If FiL loses his money because his wife has pulled out, they will get the message. Your GF should not be taking time of work because you've been strong armed into going on a stag.

Like others, I’d just stop accepting offers of help (and state why - no mum, you offer and then back out at the last minute which causes no end of stress for us); and stop asking them, too. Lots of people parent with no support and you become better able to contingency plan if you stop hoping someone will help. It may rankle that your nephew is looked after but a 7yo really is easier to look after and maybe they will be able to step up when yours is that old, but if not that’s just the way it is.

On a practical level, does your NCT/friendship group do a babysitting circle? Basically, you all commit to babysit 2x a year for the group in exchange for 2 nights out. Or you simply babysit and bank an IOU. Some groups use actual physical tokens that are exchanged/earned/cashed in. It means you have a free resource?

You are being absolutely martyrish about this. You don’t have to make any feelings clear - “I can’t go, I don’t have childcare” is more than enough. I accept a certain amount of sucking it up is needed with family social events and given that your parents were willing to facilitate you going then it was fair enough to suck it up, but now you’ve decided that even though they have withdrawn their facilitation you would rather pretend that your wife taking an extra 2 days leave means no family holiday and will inform your parents after the event, which hasn’t even happened yet, that you didn’t enjoy it and it was a waste of time. You are coming across as one of those people who would rather have a lot of drama and even more inconvenience put-upon-ness to mither about than have a nice time. You could solve all of these problems very simply - book your dc in for paid childcare to cover your working hours, tell the stag that regretfully you will have to turn down his kind invitation as your childcare has fallen through but you look forward to buying him a drink another time and take your wife and child out for a nice day together as she already has the leave. Or don’t - you can get jealous of a 7yo, spend a shit weekend with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want and get sacked because you keep dropping the ball every Tuesday afternoon - but you will get some low level drama doing it this way so it’s up to you.

For the regular weekly childcare i would say something like "mum, does a Tues still suit you? I cannot finish work early so there will be times it falls same as nephew pick up and grans visit. I can ask nursery to swap days or have dc 3 days per week."

Dont compare offering to have 7 year old to offering to have 10 month old it is very different stages and 7 year old easier and more company.

My family are very close and we see each other a lot, same with dh's. I love my neices and nephews and help when asked. I never offered to have them before they were age 5ish. And then it was because I had similar age child so nice to bring neice along as a playmate to the park or whatever. I would not expect anyone to offer to have my baby as much as they love them.

For the stag do again you should have caused the drama. They are very unreasonable with this.

Your child has just started nursery- you and your gf should be saving your annual leave for the inevitable bugs that he’ll catch.

You don't sound very mature. What's the point of telling your parents you didn't enjoy it? Your dad will be there so will have a fair idea of whether you're enjoying it or not?
It sounds like you may be planning to be grumpy on the stag do. That isn't fair and will just make yourself look a pain in front of everyone.

I would say you are no longer going to the stag as girlfriend only has that annual leave left so you will not be able to go away as a family in November as planned therefore you are going to use the stag weekend as a chance to go away as a family

Forget the stag do ,find alternative child care because she can’t keep changing her mind it’s not fair.

OP's mum has only just started looking after her grandchild and she has already had enough. I think they will probably need to put the baby into nursery for an extra day.

OP and his girlfriend must feel disappointed with the lack of support from both sides of the family.

We are very disappointed. We expected it from her family but seeing it too from my family has been a huge shock to us.

I am trying to hide my feelings from my parents but they can tell something is wrong with me but I don't know how much longer I can keep holding off without telling them what is wrong. I don't really want to say anything because it will descend into an argument.

Your parents like offering to help more than they enjoy actually helping.
Offering to help and then going back on an agreement is extremely mean. Especially when the result is you losing pay. It’s better not to offer.
I agree with your GF - make other arrangements. DH and I had zero family help, and although it was hard, we managed.

there doesn’t need to be an argument. Don’t say anything about them letting you down, just don’t ask them going forward.