Mobile phone concerns in new relationship

[Saoirse1969]

I started seeing someone new around a month ago and it has moved fairly fast. I won't waffle on too much at this point with background, but essentially there is an age difference of around 15 years between us, he is older than me. I am in my fifties, he is in his sixties.

Cutting to the chase here, all going well in general, mutual attraction, having a good laugh, a really good laugh actually, he seems very intelligent, which is always very attractive to me if I can have deep conversations with someone. Good chemistry in general. Some issues, but nothing I couldn't see getting resolved and/or worked around. I've stayed at his place 4 or 5 nights now, something around that, not in a row.... but I've noticed a distinct pattern. His alarm on his phone goes off for work, fairly early, he knocks it off and then picks up his phone to go to the bathroom. But he leaves it on the banister outside the bathroom. He's in there for all of 5 minutes if that, brushes his teeth as he showers the night before. Then comes out and picks up his phone and comes back in to get dressed.

I'll wait for the opinions on here before I add more as I have asked him about it as I find it very odd that he obviously feels the need to move it out of my way for all of 3 to 5 minutes. His response was very odd... off actually... but I'll wait before I post it.

What do you all think?

I do similar as does my DH. It didn’t occur to me there’s anything odd about it. It seems odd to me that you’re picking up on this.

If he's leaving it on the banister then he's not exactly being secretive. Why not just ask him? I wouldn't be sleeping with someone who's still using dating sites and maybe you need to establish if he is.

Just protecting his personal phone. And having it nearby if someone phones.

I take mine with me even though I don't have a partner. Reasons are, I get messages and calls sometimes, I want to look at it, it's just an habit, it might annoy my son in the next room...

I'm back. Been very busy.

It's definitely not an obsession. I notice patterns and this pattern in the past has indicated someone betraying me. It was a very long time ago and there were some other red flags. So 2007 in fact. The guy I was seeing would always take his phone out to the banister. In the end I found a whole load of condoms missing and he got angry when I called him out on it. Then I discovered he was messaging several other women and was still active on the dating site where we had met, despite us agreeing to be exclusive.

So it's a reaction, in part, to a pattern I observed in the past/

Why is it odd?

I have a really good friend who is freaking out about him and advising me to end it right now. My gut instinct was to do just that, although I haven't. We have both been betrayed in the past and been in abusive relationships and have both done a lot of hard work on ourselves in terms of self-respect, self-love, boundaries and good communication. If it appears in any way that someone is behaving secretively, wouldn't you question it? I am sure there are posts on here that are much stranger!

I really appreciate the opinions and advice on here.

It can be so hard when you really like someone, start to develop strong feelings for someone, quickly or slowly, rightly or wrongly, your rational perspective can go out of the window.

The majority opinion on here seems to be that I have overreacted.... that's reassuring as I really like this person on so many different levels.

His response was very odd... off actually... but I'll wait before I post it

Are you ever going to tell us his response?

What was his response?

Surely it depends on what his response was.

Sorry for keeping everyone in misery!!

Well his response was basically that it's a habit, but the odd part of the response was that he likes his phone to follow him around the house. Well not odd, he was trying to make light of it, make a joke out of it.

He said he really didn't want to upset me. My friend advising me that he is no good feels that he has made light of my concerns by joking about them. She thinks he has someone else as she saw him at an event in November last year and he was with a woman and she said it looked as if they were a couple. When they left, they helped each other on with their coats.

He hasn't really spoke about friends much yet, male or female, but I assumed he wasn't single until a friend asked him and he said he was. So I asked him out last month and he confirmed he was indeed single. Maybe he was seeing someone and it didn't work out. He's not hiding me in public, he's open about holding my hand.

That's a perfectly reasonable response imo. I almost always have my phone with me, and it's not for nefarious reasons.

You should be in the honeymoon phase after 4 week, not posting on mn about a phone. Is this relationship really for you?

I know it has a passcode on it. He also doesn't know that I'm not the kind of person that snoops. I know a phone is a private thing. It is because of what has happened to me in the past I guess.

I still need to talk to him as both of us have been busy since the other night.

Thank you.

It's because of being cheated on before and the exact same behaviour where the phone never left his side.

It's because I really like him a lot. So I started feeling vulnerable. It is still in a lovely early phase.

I thought this site was a place for seeking advice. I don't want to feel judged or shot down for having concerns. We have all walked different paths and are wired differently, but essentially the same. We all have hearts that can get hurt or broken, we can all doubt ourselves and other people. At an early stage of any intimate relationship, surely that IS the exact time to ask questions and observe and not allow feelings to get carried away for someone when you're still discovering so much about them.

The unbiased advice on here can be priceless. I don't know 100% for certain whether or not this IS the relationship for me.. for him.... not yet. I know it feels good so far other than this doubt and there may be a couple of other things, but isn't it normal NOT to know immediately?

@Saoirse1969 I hear you, I've been in that boat too. But a month in an you're questioning the movements of his phone? Not good.

Can I just also state that one of my very good friends is advising me that he has to be up to no good and to not even speak to him again.

Yes. Based on past experience(s). Where I didn't listen to my gut.

I thought that but he has to come back into the bedroom to get dressed and pick up other stuff off the floor that goes in his pockets.

Based on the phone thing alone?! Your friend is insane, if so.

Personally I'd be more worried about this so-called friend than this bloke, op.

He’s probably reading mumsnet on the toilet.

This is so bizarre. I literally take my phone everywhere with me whether I'm alone or not. It's habit and I think we've all got so reliant on our phones and don't want to miss anything. Maybe you're right to be cautious and your gut is telling you something is off so you've focused on the phone. Just seen how things go, it's early days. If it doesn't feel right you can end it.

Sounds like he’s addicted to having his phone nearby, which I wouldn’t like.

I agree. Your friend’s reaction is way too much to what is otherwise a good relationship.

I appreciate this behaviour from someone in the past was because they were cheating on you but maybe he’s not leaving it with you because of unpleasant past experiences of his own. Maybe he has known a snooper. Some people can be outrageously nosy. I came out of the bathroom once to find a guest reading a bank statement that had been left on a table among other items. They wanted to know what a recent credit was for.🤬. He won’t know you’re not a snooper yet.

Your friend sounds like a lunatic.