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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ultimatum by partner to have children.

76 replies

Aroundthecorner00 · 22/03/2025 20:36

I’ve been in this relationship for around 7 years. I’ve just not felt comfortable having children and I’ve not been able to put my finger on why until lately. My partner is getting angry with me. He tells me he’s got us the house and we are comfortable so what is wrong with me, he’s done everything I’ve asked for and thrown all his money at me.

Ive realised that I just have this feeling constantly of not feeling safe. I’m not allowed to express feelings that upset him or blame him or criticise him. I can’t put my point forward on anything I don’t agree on. He gets very angry, will drag up arguments and things I’ve said from years and years ago. In an argument I am always wrong and I always back down because he kind of scares me. I absolutely hate conflict and I never resolve anything I want to because he is so defensive and I just want it to stop.

What am I to tell him?

OP posts:
AlteredStater · 23/03/2025 00:26

OP the only reasonable thing you can tell him is 'Goodbye'! Is that a possibility, can you get away from him? Sadly if you did have children with him things will get even worse and you'll be tied to him. You should not feel unsafe in a loving relationship.

singlewhitetrashheap · 23/03/2025 00:27

Run AWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 23/03/2025 00:28

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>

Redmat · 23/03/2025 00:34

Have you promised to have a baby but actually don't really want children. Is the not feeling safe an excuse because he's now upset and justifiably annoyed that you have strung him along.
This is something that alot of women post about. Men stringing them along with promises of a baby and then never being ready.
His side of the story may be different.
If you really fear for your safety you should obviously leave.

HelloVeraPlant · 23/03/2025 01:18

You need to just leave. You are really wasting your time here. If you can’t be yourself then you shouldn’t be in that space.

Original poster
Aroundthecorner00 · 23/03/2025 07:21

Thanks for all the replies. His behaviour has not suddenly started because we haven’t had children, he has always been like this which is why we don’t have children. I do want children just not like this. I feel guilty because I’ve said in the past that I’d like to be settled which is what he has said he has given me. But that was before when I thought that he was a kind person. He screams his head off and says awful things at me then expects me to be ok. I know I’m not the kind of women he wants. I get nervous at big social events etc and he loves things like that. He likes to drink and I don’t. He says that’s what he likes about me in one breath and in the next he says I hold him back all the time.

OP posts:
ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 23/03/2025 07:26

Aroundthecorner00 · 23/03/2025 07:21

Thanks for all the replies. His behaviour has not suddenly started because we haven’t had children, he has always been like this which is why we don’t have children. I do want children just not like this. I feel guilty because I’ve said in the past that I’d like to be settled which is what he has said he has given me. But that was before when I thought that he was a kind person. He screams his head off and says awful things at me then expects me to be ok. I know I’m not the kind of women he wants. I get nervous at big social events etc and he loves things like that. He likes to drink and I don’t. He says that’s what he likes about me in one breath and in the next he says I hold him back all the time.

You need to leave. Now, no warning, nothing. You deserve to have a baby with someone who feels lucky to be with you - anything less will be a disaster for you and the baby. The conflict will increase the longer you stay. Go and have the chance of a happy family life with someone else, or solo if you want.

category12 · 23/03/2025 07:29

Aroundthecorner00 · 23/03/2025 07:21

Thanks for all the replies. His behaviour has not suddenly started because we haven’t had children, he has always been like this which is why we don’t have children. I do want children just not like this. I feel guilty because I’ve said in the past that I’d like to be settled which is what he has said he has given me. But that was before when I thought that he was a kind person. He screams his head off and says awful things at me then expects me to be ok. I know I’m not the kind of women he wants. I get nervous at big social events etc and he loves things like that. He likes to drink and I don’t. He says that’s what he likes about me in one breath and in the next he says I hold him back all the time.

Even he says you're incompatible.

Leave him. You never said you wanted to "settle down" with someone who screams at you and bullies you and makes you feel lesser.

And what the hell would the environment be like for raising kids with him acting this way?!

Having children does not transform an angry bully into a decent man.

There's better out there for you.

DrummingMousWife · 23/03/2025 07:31

You need to leave , it’s unfair of both of you. He can’t buy your love and you can’t make him wait forever for something he desperately wants.
it’s not the right relationship for either of you.

DeepRoseFish · 23/03/2025 07:34

Oh OP you need to get away from this man. It’s time to end the relationship.

DeepRoseFish · 23/03/2025 07:37

He’s angry and abusive. He will not change and will likely get worse during/after pregnancy.

Read - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

cheezncrackers · 23/03/2025 07:39

He sounds aggressive and unpleasant and so, not surprisingly, you're scared of him. Please don't pregnant to this man OP. You need to leave. Your instincts are screaming at you, because you aren't safe and you sure as hell won't be safe if you stay with this man who yells at you, bullies and belittles you. Abuse tends to ramp up in pregnancy and you don't want to find out what he's capable of if he's like this normally. Please leave. Get advice from Women's Aid, tell your family and friends what's been going on and get some support IRL.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 23/03/2025 07:39

As a other conflict avoider tbh I found having kids really helpful. I always have my kids as someone I have in my corner and like an amazing friend. Anyways I'm terrible and I mean damm terrible at avoiding conflict I'm on my 2nd failed relationship as I just cannot communicate properly and I shut down to avoid it and pacify the man. Turns out I have adhd and the meds have been helpful very helpful for this. I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria part of adhd. But I explored the issues I have with my mum yesterday and re looked at childhood which was good but mum had a lot on herself. My daughter says I was the glass child all makes sense I am going to to try therapy with iapt to bet better at my avoidance. End of day he wants kids you don't so you need tk be honest and tell.him and he can go and meet someone who does and you can meet someone who doesn't or already has kids.

PeppyTealDuck · 23/03/2025 07:42

You have another option of course. Stay with him and always walk on eggshells, wonder what will set him off today. Be shouted at, become a shell of a person with no self value. Always be in the wrong. If you want to destroy yourself and your chances of a decent relationship and a family one day, suit yourself.

You are already unable to express what you want in here. None of us care about what such a vile man wants from you, and you can choose to stop caring about that today.

jeaux90 · 23/03/2025 07:58

Leave OP it will get worse if you actually have kids with him and you deserve to have them with someone who isn’t an asshole.

Pashazade · 23/03/2025 08:01

Please please leave OP, he might be your world, he might buy you everything but he is aggressive and controlling and he thinks he owns you and that before you even add a child into the mix. Just leave, if you share a house then you can force a sale. But please for the love of god pack up and leave. Also make sure you have a friend with you or leave whilst he is at work. Do not tell him where you are going, block him on all your devices, check he hasn’t got tracking switched on for you and go.
I know I’m echoing lots of previous posters but hoping another voice saying this will help you see how disturbing this situation is, it’s not normal or healthy. Get out. Everyone posting here will support you if you do.

WarriorN · 23/03/2025 08:01

Aroundthecorner00 · 23/03/2025 07:21

Thanks for all the replies. His behaviour has not suddenly started because we haven’t had children, he has always been like this which is why we don’t have children. I do want children just not like this. I feel guilty because I’ve said in the past that I’d like to be settled which is what he has said he has given me. But that was before when I thought that he was a kind person. He screams his head off and says awful things at me then expects me to be ok. I know I’m not the kind of women he wants. I get nervous at big social events etc and he loves things like that. He likes to drink and I don’t. He says that’s what he likes about me in one breath and in the next he says I hold him back all the time.

im sorry to hear this. It wont get any better I’m afraid

your gut is telling you what to do; leave

ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur · 23/03/2025 08:03

Run! Don’t look back. He won’t change after marriage and having kids he will in fact get even worse!

Be careful too. He sounds aggressive.

Ellie1015 · 23/03/2025 08:07

You don't sound compatible. You won't fix him into making you feel safe so you should split. A relationship shouldn't feel like that.

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/03/2025 08:19

Abusive partners always ramp up after kids when they know for sure you are trapped .

Youbwre doing the right thing now make your plans to leave . Don’t tell him just work in the back ground.
He won’t change he will get worse .

OhCobblers · 23/03/2025 12:25

you have spent 7 years too long with this arsehole. Get the fuck away from him.

SolarSaviour · 23/03/2025 12:30

Leave & start again

Buy your own home
Buy your own car
Nest
Then think about children

ChaToilLeam · 23/03/2025 12:36

You feel unsafe because you are unsafe in this relationship. He wants you pregnant to tie you to him more and to make it harder for you to get away. Do NOT have a child with him, he is abusive, you need to leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/03/2025 15:34

I’ll tell you a little story. I didn’t have children in my first marriage. And I do in my second. When DH asked why I didn’t have children in my first marriage I said, “I wouldn’t ever have given a child him as a father”. And he said, “why would you put up with him yourself then?”.

OP, why would you put up with him yourself?

Yalta · 23/03/2025 15:38

This isn’t about you not wanting children. You just don’t want them with him

I would leave and start again with someone you do want children with. Dont stay another minute where you don’t feel safe