resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

I've said numerous times for him to leave. I definitely don't think he should stay. I just think he needs to take some accountability for his role in all of this.

It sounds like what he's tried to do is put the kids first. I wish more men did that.

No one who lets on to another couple that they would rather not have had one of their children is never going to get great dad points from me I'm afraid.

One lapse after 20 years? The kid isn't present? That makes him a bad father?

Agree.

💯

Yes women (and men) are entitled to leave relationships for what ever reasons they want. Doesn't mean those reasons aren't selfish, or an awful way to treat your partner and children.

He didn’t say that though did he? He said he resents that he was put in that position, and that his wife stirred the pot by dragging him into her ‘not changing a thing’.

His love for the third child in no way lets her off the hook for giving the ultimatum in the first place. You also are using the child as a human shield to justify her pretty coercive behaviour. You obtusely reading “I didn’t want the ultimatum” as “I don’t love my child” and “I love my child” as “therefore the wife’s choices were good and you’re whining” is very shabby of you, and smacks of post-hoc rationalizing.

says it in the OP....

There are too many contradictions in the OP's account of things.

He has been complaining for years about not wanting a 3rd child, yet in the OP, his wife was shocked when he mentioned it recently.

He had to work 60 hours per week for his family with no social life, but his wife also worked (and must have been doing most stuff at home too).

His wife is selfish and uncaring, yet her first reaction after the revelation at a friend's party, was to help, in suggesting a meet up with friends and a hobby group he could try.

I think OP wants to leave (great, do that) and to also be the victim after dropping the bombshell. I feel like the thread is seeking approval/validation for how that is going to play out, whether his wife will swallow it. Why Mumsnet? I don't understand it.

It could also be that the wife was ignoring OP when he said he wasn't happy with the long hours and no social life because she was so focused on what she wanted. Maybe she was being genuinely caring when she suggested him joining a group but if the OP feels that this caring behaviour has come too late I wouldn't blame him.

I think people can do shitty things and feel genuinely guilty about them later but that's not always enough for the person that feels wronged.

@Velvian I agree with you, OPs story has a lot of contradictions, and he is seemingly desperate to get us to agree that his wife ruined his life. I think it was you that mentioned it, but I also get strong "the script" vibes from the post and especially his replies.

OP, if validation was what you wanted, why didn't you go to Reddit (your writing style suggests you'd be familiar with it, certainly I'd expect more men to know it than mumsnet)? Reddit would have given you exactly what you wanted.

The second you ejaculated in your wife was when you should have laid all this to rest. From that moment on, nothing could be changed, so going on to ruin your life because you resent your third child has done you and your family absolutely nothing. You should have left years ago.

I bet you don't hold women to the same standards.

Just like your other posts on this thread, this is very much selective hearing and quite simply making things up to suit your narrative (which seems to be woman = good, man = bad).

The wife's behaviour was incredibly selfish and manipulative, there is just no excusing it.

You read a lot into OPs updates that really aren't there

Very strange response from you, comparing lusty sex outside of marriage to the deep yearning for a baby.

Yes a woman can be desperate for a baby and struggle to think otherwise. Yes someone who wants sex with others needs to end their marriage.

I don't agree that the wife's behaviour sounds incredibly selfish, even in the OP's telling of it.

Yes I do tend to give the benefit of the doubt to women first (but not always), particularly on MN. Statistics, history, personal experience and BBC News every day tend to back up that decision.

We definitely do have very different readings of the OP's posts and that can only be helpful to him in gauging how things will progress with his wife.

No, it makes sense.

He said that he'd been trying to change things for years, and that he'd shut down. Common in coercive relationships.

And yeah, often one partner does try to change when the other is fed up, too little too late.

Totally agree. I’m getting The Script vibes.

YADNBU

I’m not at all surprised you feel resentment towards your wife.

She used terrorist tactics to get her own self-centred way, at the expense of your wellbeing.

If you leave, make sure you get half the house/everything you’re entitled to. You’ve already sacrificed so much.

You think threatening to split up your young family just because you want another baby is selfless? Whose needs was she thinking of aside from herself with that ultimatum?

I think there is a lot of ground between selfish and selfless and a lot of time has passed since the couple's decision to have a 3rd child.

I've followed this thread closely and my view is that OP just wants to leave his wife.

Which is fine. He should leave. He's done his bit for the kids, if that's how he wants to see things, now he can go and do whatever it is he wants - take up a new hobby, live happily on his own, fuck other women, go on bro camps etc. As long as he doesn't screw his wife financially, I don't have an opinion about his decision.

What is bothersome about this case is that he also wants validation that he's the victim of his wife. For something that happened 17 years ago. That's why he's here - he wants not just men (otherwise he'd go to Reddit) but also women to validate his wish to leave.

The reason OP is getting a lot of flak from people here is that he wants to blame his wife for his decision, like he's blamed her for everything else - him working long hours, not having friends, not having hobbies.

This is not a man who was financially dependent on his wife or bullied by her. He could have left when he wanted to. He could have not had sex with her to make the third child. He could have insisted on a change of terms before agreeing to the third child. He's not victimized, even though he really wants to believe he is.

Men have a lot of privilege and can be very fucking self-pitying when they don't get the service and self-sacrifice that they expect from women. They have no humility, self-reflection, authenticity, or understanding of others, least of all their wives. It doesn't engender respect.

And this is the other thing that has made me unsympathetic to OP. The vast majority of women here who want to leave their husbands do NOT talk like OP. No, they generally feel awfully sorry for their (shitty abusive) partner (who they often describe in loving terms despite the guy being a complete arsehole) and they worry about him, and have to be heavily persuaded that leaving him won't destroy him (of course it won't). Here OP talks like a lot of the men who come here (definitely not all - there have been some very decent men who listen despite being very challenged, and it helped them): OP is very self-absorbed, he thinks only about himself, and his wife is like prop furniture (bad prop furniture because it's not serving his wants). OP sees his wife as his enemy, and he has no empathy for her.

Because it's allll about him. It's always been alll about him.

OP, leave your wife. You have my permission or blessing, if that's what you're looking for. But stop seeing yourself as a victim, and stop trying to paint your wife as your victimizer. Admit what you want, embrace it, and, above all, OWN it.

I think you should leave her and acknowledge you want different things in life. And that’s ok.

😆 she would do, she got exactly what she wanted!