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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How on earth do I get husband to equally divide up chores?

54 replies

DameBaggySmith · 20/03/2025 22:24

As per the above really. Been with husband a long time and he is a very loving person. However, he will think of every reason under the sun not to equally share housework etc. We both work full time but his hours are slightly longer than mine. When I was on maternity leave he couldn’t be expected to do much as he worked all day. When I was part time, I had more free time than him so should do more. Now we’re both full time, I’m getting very little in the way of assistance. I think it’s probably the lowest it’s ever been. Now he says that we can do things fairly but ‘not equally as I like doing the housework more than him’, I mean I don’t, it just needs to be done. He will claim none of it needs to be done.

This is somewhat complicated by the fact he is autistic and I’m going to assume has PDA. I think it’s very likely.

Anyone found a way to share things fairly with a reluctant husband?

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:36

Do you have 1 child? Who does drop off/picks up for nursery? Are you doing everything? Shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry?

Tell him to stop being an idiot, no-one likes chores nor do they like feeling like a servant. Outsource what you can eg cleaning and tell him if he won’t share the load then you’ll start only doing your own stuff eg laundry and meals. Also stop with the him ‘helping’ you don’t own the chores you are both responsible, same as childcare.

Original poster
DameBaggySmith · 20/03/2025 22:46

1apenny2apenny · 20/03/2025 22:36

Do you have 1 child? Who does drop off/picks up for nursery? Are you doing everything? Shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry?

Tell him to stop being an idiot, no-one likes chores nor do they like feeling like a servant. Outsource what you can eg cleaning and tell him if he won’t share the load then you’ll start only doing your own stuff eg laundry and meals. Also stop with the him ‘helping’ you don’t own the chores you are both responsible, same as childcare.

2 children. I do drop offs/pick ups. He will do a bit of cooking and the lawn mowing as a general rule. He will do some other things if I ask him to, sometimes… but that is tricky as he is very forgetful so if he doesn’t tend to something straight away then it won’t happen.

We have had a tough time with finances recently but if it is feasible, a cleaner would be super useful. Though like I say, he doesn’t think cleaning is necessary

OP posts:
CaramelVanilla · 20/03/2025 22:52

I think you need a rota to show who is doing what, and swap chores each week

TwentyKittens · 20/03/2025 22:55

How will swapping chores help? OP will do them her week, then again 2 weeks later. He'll do fuck all in between.

Original poster
DameBaggySmith · 20/03/2025 23:00

CaramelVanilla · 20/03/2025 22:52

I think you need a rota to show who is doing what, and swap chores each week

Tried a rota, including getting kids involved in smaller bits, kids better at doing it than husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
DameBaggySmith · 20/03/2025 23:00

TwentyKittens · 20/03/2025 22:55

How will swapping chores help? OP will do them her week, then again 2 weeks later. He'll do fuck all in between.

This made me laugh for the wrong reasons Grin

OP posts:
Loubelou71 · 20/03/2025 23:24

Stop doing things for him like washing and ironing. Would that make a point or just seem petty?

User5274959 · 20/03/2025 23:29

It is more difficult sometimes when people have different standards or different ideas about what "needs" to be done

mathanxiety · 20/03/2025 23:43

Write a chart or graph showing the time you both spend at work every day. That part is easy.
Then include in the chart the time every day you both spend commuting, if applicable. Again, easy.
Sleep - easy.
Then comes the nitty gritty - food inventory, grocery lists, shopping, putting away, cooking, washing up, loading and emptying the dishwasher, tidying, laundry - gathering, washing, drying, ironing/folding/putting away, cleaning various rooms, gardening, diy, car care, administration (bill paying, insurance research and renewal), holiday planning, booking, packing, unpacking, taking care of the children - keeping track of clothes, toys, commute to nursery, dealing with communication with nursery, feeding, packing bag for nursery, playing/ supervising, bathing, taking care of when sick or awake in the night, and everything else you can think of.
Then add leisure time, including sitting on the couch in the evening.

The resulting visual should tell him that he is taking the piss.

You should also stop doing his laundry and anything you do that benefits him.
There needs to be some form of punishment that is directly related to his assumption that you were put on this earth to serve his lazy arse.

PickettWhiteFences · 21/03/2025 04:15

Does he have any particularly chores that he perfers? Maybe at the start of the week give him a choice of what chores he wants. My DH strangely he likes washing dishes, and he also loves cooking (unlike me) so the kitchen is his domain. He does DIY and the lawns too.

I do the bulk of the mundane chores (laundry, bathroom, hoovering, bedding etc) but I dont mind that.

Notmyrealname22 · 21/03/2025 04:55

Get the FAIR PLAY deck of cards. I haven’t used them but it’s way to see what chores exist in your family, how they are currently divided, and how they can be re-divided to be fairer.

i haven’t used them but have heard good things. I think there’s also a book.

how long ago did you go back to full time work? Doesn’t really matter, but tell him it’s time to revisit the workload. Also, how old are the DC and are they old enough to take on anything?

one thing I found to be useful is to make DH responsible for a whole task. I told my DH he was 100% responsible for Laundry and I never want to have to think about it . I don’t do anything related to laundry. He has to wash, sort, get it to whoever owns the clothes, put sheets and towels, etc away. If the DC don’t have clean clothes, I tell them to ask their father it’s not my job. It’s not perfect, he doesn’t do it the way I did it, but I keep out of it. He also does 50% of school drop offs and pickups, as well as cooking and cleaning the kitchen after. The DC do the dishwasher and more chores as they get older.

Good luck. This shit leads to a lot of resentment if there is not an equitable split.

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2025 05:04

I got the fair play cards for one of my kids when she and her bf moved in together. They’re pretty good.

AlwaysFreezing · 21/03/2025 05:53

First of all it's not assistance! It's foing the boring grunt work that everyone has to do in order to live. He does not help with that, he just needs to do what needs to be done.

But in terms of practical solutions what about set jobs on set days. No remembering needed.

It's.Monday, so the bathroom is cleaned. Tuesday so the vacuuming is done. And so on.

Whenever things are tough here, we revert to a super simple meal plan that's repeated each week. Simplifies the shopping. And I cook much simpler meals. Jacket potatoes, quiche and salad, filled pasta with peas and shredded spinach for example. Minimum prep, minimum washing up. I make a giant batch of something like a cous cous salad on a Sunday for everyone's packed lunches for the week.

Then we have laundry rules. Dry laundry goes away on the same day it is dry. Everyone puts their own away properly.

I find when things feel out of control that having little rules means less fuss.

Everything0Everywhere · 21/03/2025 06:36

I can see someone else has already suggested it but try the Fair Play cards. They are a way to share out chores and each person is supposed to take full control of their chore.

Another idea: you could have an allocated time(s) across the week in which you both do chores then you are both on-task at the same time.

category12 · 21/03/2025 06:38

I think I would stop doing his washing as a start, as it's the only thing that really affects him alone.

It'll probably feel a bit petty and like it won't make any difference to how much you do, but it'll show him some things need doing.

I'd also think about whether relationship counselling would be useful. It might be helpful to have someone else to mediate.

Personally I'd be wondering about splitting because this is not how I'd like to live my life, and if he's unwilling or incapable of change, then that's what is left.

DustyLee123 · 21/03/2025 06:40

It’s hard when they have different standards, and my DH says he can’t see the dirt. Well, that just’s just an excuse that gets him out of it.
He ‘cleans’ the en-suite, that’s his job, well it’s never clean, there’s goo around the shower door but I refuse to do it. It’s a deliberate helplessness.

Original poster
DameBaggySmith · 21/03/2025 07:37

mathanxiety · 20/03/2025 23:43

Write a chart or graph showing the time you both spend at work every day. That part is easy.
Then include in the chart the time every day you both spend commuting, if applicable. Again, easy.
Sleep - easy.
Then comes the nitty gritty - food inventory, grocery lists, shopping, putting away, cooking, washing up, loading and emptying the dishwasher, tidying, laundry - gathering, washing, drying, ironing/folding/putting away, cleaning various rooms, gardening, diy, car care, administration (bill paying, insurance research and renewal), holiday planning, booking, packing, unpacking, taking care of the children - keeping track of clothes, toys, commute to nursery, dealing with communication with nursery, feeding, packing bag for nursery, playing/ supervising, bathing, taking care of when sick or awake in the night, and everything else you can think of.
Then add leisure time, including sitting on the couch in the evening.

The resulting visual should tell him that he is taking the piss.

You should also stop doing his laundry and anything you do that benefits him.
There needs to be some form of punishment that is directly related to his assumption that you were put on this earth to serve his lazy arse.

Edited

This is a good idea, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
DameBaggySmith · 21/03/2025 07:39

Notmyrealname22 · 21/03/2025 04:55

Get the FAIR PLAY deck of cards. I haven’t used them but it’s way to see what chores exist in your family, how they are currently divided, and how they can be re-divided to be fairer.

i haven’t used them but have heard good things. I think there’s also a book.

how long ago did you go back to full time work? Doesn’t really matter, but tell him it’s time to revisit the workload. Also, how old are the DC and are they old enough to take on anything?

one thing I found to be useful is to make DH responsible for a whole task. I told my DH he was 100% responsible for Laundry and I never want to have to think about it . I don’t do anything related to laundry. He has to wash, sort, get it to whoever owns the clothes, put sheets and towels, etc away. If the DC don’t have clean clothes, I tell them to ask their father it’s not my job. It’s not perfect, he doesn’t do it the way I did it, but I keep out of it. He also does 50% of school drop offs and pickups, as well as cooking and cleaning the kitchen after. The DC do the dishwasher and more chores as they get older.

Good luck. This shit leads to a lot of resentment if there is not an equitable split.

Good ideas thank you

OP posts:
MumChp · 21/03/2025 07:43

Ask him to grow up.
I wouldn't be able in the long run to love and respect a man not willing to do his part of housework. A succesfull marriage is based (for me) on paying attention even if things are boring and yes, everyday chores are. Nobody wants do fo them but it's not an excuse 'to be forgetful' visa versa. He needs to step up.

sashh · 21/03/2025 07:46

Watch 'The change' together.

The main story is about the character Linda who goes off to live in a caravan but it starts with her recording the time she spends doing things for other people eg it is her 50th birthday, but she has done the cooking, baked the cake and is expected to clean up.

Once she is gone her husband has to start doing things, we he has to when there is no clean clothing, no food and no clean crockery.

I also (from living in shared houses) assigning a job is better than a rota.

Newstartplease24 · 21/03/2025 07:46

He won’t. He’s decided not to do it because he’s more important than you. Your only decision is whether / how long to put up with it. Keep a weather eye on your individual finances. Do well at work, dont cut your hours. Stay fit and well and don’t get into debt. Get ready to be a single parent from as atrong a position as possible.

Jezzballs2000 · 21/03/2025 07:48

I came in to say this as well.

I think it's a good system and don't think you have to totally adhere to the full thing to get value from it. The main principle is whoever is responsible for a particular chore/ task has total responsibility. You can swap tasks with agreement /discussion (ie you do Monday, he does Friday for laundry etc) but until that point it's not shared. So he'd have to gather the clothes, put in the machine, arrange drying and out away. For dinner he'd have to plan ingredients, add to shopping list, cook and I think clean up too. I wasn't convinced by they until I read the book as I thought surely sharing gets at least me some help but the idea is to stop them shirking or forgetting. Worth a read even to help organise your thinking towards it and appreciate how bullshit it is for men to think that women prefer it or are 'better' at it!

Jezzballs2000 · 21/03/2025 07:49

Notmyrealname22 · 21/03/2025 04:55

Get the FAIR PLAY deck of cards. I haven’t used them but it’s way to see what chores exist in your family, how they are currently divided, and how they can be re-divided to be fairer.

i haven’t used them but have heard good things. I think there’s also a book.

how long ago did you go back to full time work? Doesn’t really matter, but tell him it’s time to revisit the workload. Also, how old are the DC and are they old enough to take on anything?

one thing I found to be useful is to make DH responsible for a whole task. I told my DH he was 100% responsible for Laundry and I never want to have to think about it . I don’t do anything related to laundry. He has to wash, sort, get it to whoever owns the clothes, put sheets and towels, etc away. If the DC don’t have clean clothes, I tell them to ask their father it’s not my job. It’s not perfect, he doesn’t do it the way I did it, but I keep out of it. He also does 50% of school drop offs and pickups, as well as cooking and cleaning the kitchen after. The DC do the dishwasher and more chores as they get older.

Good luck. This shit leads to a lot of resentment if there is not an equitable split.

Sorry was trying to quote this re Fair Play!

Newstartplease24 · 21/03/2025 07:53

All this stuff about charts and Fair Play etc is all predicated on the idea that he is basically willing but doesnt quite know how to get involved at the moment. Show of hands: do we really think that about this guy? “You enjoy housework more than me” guy?
obv I might be wrong - hope so

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/03/2025 07:55

Fair play was my start point. It’s great but does require willing.

he was basically willing but also knackered from 2 kids…

it was a deeply uncomfortable weekend (for him because he is a good egg and pretty ashamed) but we moved onwards and upwards from there.