How on earth do I get husband to equally divide up chores?

[DameBaggySmith]

As per the above really. Been with husband a long time and he is a very loving person. However, he will think of every reason under the sun not to equally share housework etc. We both work full time but his hours are slightly longer than mine. When I was on maternity leave he couldn’t be expected to do much as he worked all day. When I was part time, I had more free time than him so should do more. Now we’re both full time, I’m getting very little in the way of assistance. I think it’s probably the lowest it’s ever been. Now he says that we can do things fairly but ‘not equally as I like doing the housework more than him’, I mean I don’t, it just needs to be done. He will claim none of it needs to be done.

This is somewhat complicated by the fact he is autistic and I’m going to assume has PDA. I think it’s very likely.

Anyone found a way to share things fairly with a reluctant husband?

Honestly, he’s unlikely to change, assuming your suspicion of autism and pda are correct (unless you have previous evidence of a desire to sort shit out when it goes wrong) so if you want your marriage to continue then get a cleaner, otherwise you can try all the charts and cards you like but he won’t see it and you will still be banging your head against a brick wall.

Yeah, we're not starting with clueless but basically willing doofus, that often cited but largely imaginary guy.

We're starting with "it doesn't need doing" and "anyway you love doing it all because vagina" and "I make more money than you so you should be my skivvy" guy.

I think a partner / spouse saying housekeeping doesn’t need to be done is such a cop out and ridiculous lie.

Will he stop eating once all the food utensils have been used and are piled up in the sink? Go naked once all his clothes stink? No. What he means he is prepared to live in a certain amount of squalor and for you to have the pleasure of living with him you need to sink to his level or do everything yourself. Be mummy.

How the fuck can he think mowing the lawn is more important than cleaning the kitchen? He’s a lazy, manipulative slob. I’m not sure how you can address this because he’s being dishonest. Unless he really would be happy living in filth. Why would you want to be with someone who lived that way.

You could try drilling down to where he would draw the line, vermin and maggots maybe, and try to get him to agree that your way is better. But as OPs have said you can get him to say he will do more just to end the conversation and then do fuck all. All you will have done is wasted time when you could’ve been cleaning or finding somewhere else for you to live. Someone who is determined to be an arsehole will always find a way

Why is it him assisting you? You’re still treating it as if domestic chores are your responsibility thst he can help with. He’s not loving at all - he thinks his time is more valuable than yours and your role is to serve him.

Do you really do his laundry for him?

I agree. How do blokes like this manage to hook women in and bring children into the world before this little nugget becomes paramount? I couldn’t live like it. You shouldn’t have to manage him like some incompetent employee. It would be a divorce level conversation - he’d have to shape up or ship out.

I had been doing it all together but I’ve been leaving it recently due to his attitude.

He did used to do more around the house than he does now. Trying to get it back to how it was.

This may be true and if it is then I will have to deal with it. However he has very poor time management which is genuine and doesn’t think he has time for half the stuff I make time for. His autism makes him very single minded, so he can focus on things he thinks are important but lot a fat lot else

Think you may be right. Thanks for picking up on the autism… he is diagnosed as autistic. Therefore I don’t believe it’s just as simple as he can’t be arsed so isn’t doing it. I mean he can’t be arsed but he also sees things he is interested in and doesn’t see things he isn’t… to his own demise sometimes

Sadly I think this may be the case. He doesn't want to do it and is happy to live in filth and for his kids to suffer neglect rather than become an adult and do what is needed to keep his home and family running. I don't think it will ever be anything less than an uphill struggle for you. And what is it teaching your children?

In my experience the answer is - you can’t! I’m sure there are odd exceptions but generally the work load of a house and children falls more on the mother.

My husband has more free time than me but I deal with the mental workload completely. If I don’t sort world book day outfits, pay dinner money online, get kids bday presents/new clothes it just wouldn’t happen. If I need help then I can leave him a list and he will try to get to it. No one leaves me a list though - I have to remember and organise and keep juggling. All of my friends are exactly the same.

And as for housework. Apparently my standards are impossibly high. This means that he was thinking about cleaning the bathroom but I did it first because he’d have left it a bit longer?!

In which case, you need to figure out a strategy to get through to him that he needs to do his share at home whether it interests him or not.

Presumably there are aspects of his work in his job that he's less interested in but still has to do?

Why can he not apply that situation of having to do things to keep the job, to having to do things to maintain a good relationship and happy homelife?

If he's not willing to do things himself, he needs to pay out of his larger income for a cleaner and/or laundry service and/or babysitter and/or taxi to pick up his slack.

Loads of us who are neurodiverse come up with coping strategies to help manage things. He has previously pulled his weight- the fact he isn't now tells me he is choosing not to.

My ex would tell me he couldn't see the things that needed doing. My response to that was well you clean the bathroom once a week whether you look at it and think it needs doing or not. You put the hoover round, whether you think the floor looks dirty or not. We eventually split - but that was a money thing.

So weird how seldom you hear about autistic women who can't do any basic cleaning...

Change is only possible if he wants it. And he doesn't. So that's a problem.

OP you might be better moving this to the SEN boards. Your husband has autism which means he will have problems with executive function; you also mention possible PDA. I think you need more specialist advice - the usual “stop washing his pants” isn’t going to work when he’s neurodivergent.

The internet is full of such tales from ND women if you’re on any autism-related forum / thread etc to be fair

When I was on maternity leave he couldn’t be expected to do much as he worked all day. When I was part time, I had more free time than him so should do more. Now we’re both full time, I’m getting very little in the way of assistance.

This was your mistake.

There are some people who seem to always find some housework to do and fill their free time with it. They tend to be anxious types or are very neat & houseproud. That is a character difference.

On the other hand, there are lots of men who think they're far too important to be doing tasks that he views as the responsibility of the sub-ordinate class of humans.

Both of these are difficult to deal with. You'll be able to tell which one is which though by seeing how he reacts when something is not done. If he complains, you'll know it's the latter. I'm not sure how you can fix that.

I have very limited sympathy for men in general, BUT, if he is Autistic and has PDA never underestimate the importance of WHY something needs doing and showing them HOW to do something.
It's hard work but sometimes it's not just laziness and misogyny.

There may also be sensory issues that stop him from wanting to do things so he may need to find ways around tasks with elements that he find difficult.

People like the Op’s DH simply fall asleep or become angry when faced with something they don’t want to acknowledge.

What's PDA

I would not do a chart for him, that's more work for you and he will probably ignore it anyway.

DH and I each do our own laundry, and ironing. He chooses not to iron, fair enough, his choice.

And get a cleaner once a week to make up the shortfall.

Does he do more gardening or DIY than you.?

If he’s autistic does he have a favourite spoon? I’m autistic adhd and ashamed to admit when I first started adulting i really struggled to get the motivation for chores. Washing up literally only happened when I didn’t have my spoon clean. I now have a dishwasher. So in addition to stop washing his clothes id add stop washing up his particular cutlery/crockery. Even so far as to stop buying his particular foods if he’s got that quirk so he then has to take on the shopping/putting it away.

as I said I’m autistic. And my son is PDA so I do understand how these things can be harder but honestly it’s not an excuse that is acceptable for being a shit husband or father. It’s a reason yes but life is hard for everyone in different ways. My 8year old PDA puts his plates in dishwasher and clothes in the machine. He knows if he doesn’t I won’t wash them.

you may have to accept a difference of opinion on how clean the bathroom needs to be or how frequently the vacuums needs to come out. But if won’t do these things you make sure he is inconvenienced by other things that will bother him. And if this is genuinely PDA you have to give him ‘control’ nagging will be making it worse. This needs framing so it’s his decision. He wants to have clean clothes and food etc so he chooses to do those chores.

what I will say however is even if he’s got debilitating PDA stopping him do housework he should be wracked with guilt and upset about the effects this has on you. He should WANT to make you feel loved valued and respected. Even if he thinks your cleaning standards are ridiculous he should understand it’s important to you and therefore want to do these things. When with my NT ex I used to do all kinds of things I felt were ridiculous and didn’t serve me at all because I knew they were important to him and I did care about how he felt. I’d be having a frank conversation very very clearly explain every tiny step in the process of how this makes you feel like he doesn’t already have understanding of basic emotions like he’s a toddler. Set it out for him. His behaviour makes you feel bad- is that what he wants? Then tell him very clearly what the future will hold if things don’t change and the relationship continues to make you feel this way. Then follow it up with everything you said in writing for him to go over in his own time and make sure he is aware he can come to you with any questions and you won’t laugh or judge or get angry so long as he is trying.

If his time management is that poor, how come he still has a full time job?

How does his PDA affect his performance at work?

Does he get to overshoot deadlines or simply not focus on anything that doesn't interest him?

Or are these problems reserved for the home front where there is a convenient other person available to do the focusing and can be relied upon to do the tasks he doesn't feel like doing?

I would go nuclear. And spend several weeks saying pointedly multiple times a day. ‘I just did the washing, a miserable chore I don’t enjoy and do for my family life. I do not want to get up and do x but I am doing it because that’s how life works. And move on to I really don’t feel like cooking, if I do dinner it is because it’s for my family, but I won’t be cooking you anything because you tell me you shouldn’t do as much housework because you don’t like it. I don’t like it either. Cook your own meal, and clean it up, all of it.

there is nothing at all loving about his actions. Love is a verb, and every day he tells you he doesn’t love either of you. Love is clean clothes and a tidy house for your child to thrive in.