AIBU huge row with my partner?

[bumblebubble23]

3 children, I’m full time at work. DP is full time he’s in construction. I do 95+% of the housework and childcare. Get them ready for school. Iron uniform usually on a Sunday. breakfast, drop them off at before school provision, normally me but occasionally DP collecting from after school club. We both luckily are home around 4.15 ish I make tea every night, clean up after tea, put a wash on, put one wash away, do general cleaning quick vacuum etc then bath or shower kids do reading books put to bed. 3ish nights out of 7 DP with do a quick piece of toast for them for after their bath. I do the clubs after work as well, swimming, gymnastics etc. had parents evening tonight. I do all dentist/ doctors appointments making and attending and I stay off work every time one of our children are poorly. ( temp contract with chance for permanent) DP won’t do this as he says I make more money so you need to stay off if they are ill. Occasionally, he has his own boulder jobs on after work let’s say every 3ish month he will do late nights, for 2/3 days or a Sunday. Be home around 6/7. Tonight, when I was at parents evening, he was at a neighbours house just cleaned up some heavy materials which he has promised to move since December and hadn’t. It took him approximately one hour to do this. He was home for 5.15 waiting for his evening meal. I’m already shattered this week as our youngest has been poorly and I’ve stayed off work Monday with her, doctors Tue etc but me back in work Tuesday. After dinner tonight it’s was gymnastics. I get home, the house is a MESS. Clothes all over the landing, he can’t pick up and put in a basket pots in the sink. Few kids toys on the floor and his side of the bedroom in a shit tip yet again. Well I put the kids to bed, came downstairs he’s outside in the back garden vaping drinking a can of beer talking on phone to his friend. This is most nights. Well I finally told him I can’t cope anymore like this.I told him it’s misogynistic it should be 50/50 if I’m full time, it’s like I’m a single mother anyway. Etc I did shut the door so kids upstairs couldn’t hear, and my voiced was raised. I said might as well be on my own! Other woman I chat to at work don’t seem to live like this with their partners/husbands. I so think I cannot cope with him, I feel so upset that it doesn’t get through to him. Told him it would be nice if he made tea once a week at least! His response was to through a glass hard into the sink, told me can I go next door n fucking lift heavy stuff his jobs physical he earns more money, most men would of fuckimg left me after me speaking to him like that, then stormed out on foot as I reminded don’t drive he’s had few cans. I know I’ve rambled a bit here, sorry I feel stressed I don’t know where he’s gone but it is his birthday tomorrow so am I out of order do I ring him?? I asked him to come to the girls swimming lesson last week he did end up coming, I only asked because I’d had a car accident the day before and didn’t feel confident driving. Knew he wouldn’t take them on his own because of washing hair after it etc he came but shouted at me all the way. Telling me how ridiculous I am for arranging such a shit time to swim. Even though I’ve been doing this for over a year and it’s never bothered me I kept having to repeat myself it’s just a one off your coming don’t worry. What would you do?

Sorry a few typos I was writing this quick

I don't think you should back down if you want things to change.

Probably was not the best time to tackle it if he's been drinking, but you're not wrong. It sounds very unfair.

He drinks most nights, just not on a Monday

He sounds like an absolute prick. No wonder you are this angry and you have every right to be. Was he always like this?

I'm so sorry, he sounds awful. There is nothing in how you describe him that seems like it adds any value to your lives.
I'm honestly a bit lost how you could ever get to this point of him being so useless domestically and not have objected before, but I guess it's a slow build and hard to see when you are close to it.

Personally I would start making plans of how to end the relationship safely and without screwing yourself financially.

Is this new behaviour after the third child? You sound shocked he is acting this way? What has happened to make him change recently? If he has always been like this he is unlikely to change now.

Honestly...make plans to leave him

Honestly I think I’d let him go. As you probably won’t, I’d try a different approach.

Just do what you have to- absolute minimum. Be ‘too tired’ to do anything else.
Don’t let the dc suffer.

Don’t argue or complain or defend yourself when he complains. Just agree that the house is a mess but you have been out all day and are exhausted so can’t do it.
Agree that your starving too and would love a meal.
Agree that it’s all pretty shit. And wait for him to come up with a solution. He may tell you that there must be something wrong with you- agree and tell him you’ll go to the GP to find out what.

It doesn’t matter who is right, just that you don’t keep wearing yourself out looking after an arse hole.

Aw lovely! You deserve better!! I feel like this misogynistic shit is on the rise… My parents worked full time and shared chores and they’re in their 70s 😥

I’d leave him to it tonight. He’s had a few beers and is in a horrid mood and shown signs of aggression. If you ring him it’s not going to go well.

Think about what it is that you want. Do you want to stay in this relationship? You’re not happy with things as they are and he isn’t likely to change from what you have said re his reasons (poor excuses) for not pulling his weight at home.

The resentment you both have will increase too.

So he does zero housework, no childcare and his reason is he earns more than you? You're right then that you would be better off alone as then at least you'd only be taking care of the kids. He on the other hand would have to sort out his own housework, cooking etc.

If he earns so much more than you, does he pay a bigger share of the bills? Or are those split 50/50? Who pays for things like birthday presents and clothes for the kids?

Last thing, is the house rented or on a mortgage and in whose name?

I would be making steps to leave him.
If you feel overwhelmed by doing so much and he feels tired after doing physical labour can't he at least get the kids to sleep? If he says no to reading his kids a bedtime story then he definitely won't be tidying up the home anytime soon...
My mum stayed with a man like that and all it gave me is bad memories and all it gave her was stress.

It seems your husband's attitude is common. We're in 2025, yet some men still believe their only requirement is to go to work, and the rest is down to their wife/partner. A relationship that's built on respect, as well as love, should be based on working together as a team. He helped create his children, therefore he's equally responsible for them! I can absolutely understand why you are upset and utterly pissed off. I would be too. You need to have a calm conversation with him, and tell him, that he needs to step up. If he won't, then you have a choice - continue with the relationship knowing he will never step up, or divorce.

He has always been a little like this, but probably got worse after 3rd child who is now 5. He’s the only male on his side of the family very small family I’ll add, not sure if this influences him. But I know for sure, when he does come home I’ll be the bitch/crazy woman according to him who is just looking for an argument. I have been starting to resent him a lot, and have been snappy with him over the past week as he is so hard work to live with. He’s like a teenager, leaves bottles of water mouldy pot noodles at side of his bed for me to move. If I tell him to clean up, I get the whole do I know how much he does for this family talk! I think if I did leave him, he would make my like extremely difficult in terms of probably filing for 50/50 or turning up randomly whenever he feels like it. I did discuss him with my sister early this week, she doesn’t like him obviously. But she feels he wouldn’t go for 50/50 as he knows himself he wouldn’t want the hard work. I’ll also add, he can be very manipulative if a family member calls round he will jump up and run straight to the kitchen and wash a cup it something ridiculous to make himself look hands on!

He earns roughly, 20k a year more than me. My payslip does mortgage council tax etc car insurance mail my utility bills. His does food shop, car finance kids activities and general living off of that makes sense. My job is also physical I’m in a school mainly SEN children can be difficult at times. I also bank for NHSP for extra money in school holiday if my mum can have the children. We are not married but have a joint mortgage.

Clearly sees you as a nanny/servant and he’s a mysoginistic prick too - tell Billy big bollocks that he may earn more but you do 4 times as much domestic work - and that his attitude sucks- fed up of these Andrew Tate type tossers- particularly ones with manual jobs who like to throw their muscle and weight around frightening women .

I'd be ending it.

He's a misogynistic prick and I'd not want that example in my home

What a twatt! I'd definitely be leaving if it was me.

As for the 50/50 care he may say he wants this, he may even try it but I can guarantee you that when he realises how hard it is he'll back down and you'll be lucky to get every other weekend out of him!

This is what I think but I worry that he wouldn’t file and get his mum to help him, we both have a complete different approach to parenting, he’s very laid back I don’t think I’d rest

Would file sorry typo

I've gone to type so many replies to you but haven't actually posted them.
He won't change, you'll just be being 'over emotional' about doing everything, he'll make you feel like you're the unreasonable one, the resentment will grow.
Don't get that far, separate from him before you've given him your all, and your best years.

My first thought on these types of posts is to ask the OP, ok you are understandably upset and you are giving us a small snapshot of your life within a few paragraphs and you are obviously focusing on the negative aspects of your DH/DP. Can you stop for a second and just think about all the positive aspects of him and aside from this argument/one issue you are posting about, do the positives usually outweigh the negatives and if they do then remember that as you try and resolve the argument/issue.
However whilst I accept i don't know you, its a snapshot of your life etc etc what the actual fuck positives does he bring to your life? Aside from possibly being worse off financially, seriously does he do anything to bring you joy, ease your mental load, share in the running of the house hold and raising your children?
For the sake of your DC get rid, you are showing them that this shitshow of mum killing herself doing everything whilst dad does fuck all is a healthy loving relationship. If your DD posted this what would your reaction be?
I'm a single mum with zero involvement from the deadbeat and it is sooooo much easier now than being stuck in a relationship like this. Do yourself the biggest kindness and leave.
You have nothing to apologise for and every right to point out the blatant inequalities in your relationship. Do not accept him telling you this is 'normal' or you're crazy for not being happy with this setup

Edited to add, i VERY rarely and I mean rarely (i believe this is only my 2nd or 3rd time doing so) say LTB as is so popular on MN for even the more minor disagreements but this is a LEAVE THE BASTARD post if ever I saw one and again I'm not saying that lightly. Please LTB it won't be easy to start with as you untangle and separate but within a very short period of time you will be so much happier without this deadbeat than with him. LTB.

It’s sounds bad but it’s hard to think of his positives now, I’m 35 been together since I was 21 he’s 37. I use to like that he was louder more confident than me. He seems some sort of praise all the time now like he wants me to tell him how wonderful he is and that he works so hard etc but I’m not being awful he earns 35 a year works 40 hours a week he’s pretty much just the same as any other adult. He had an argument with his sister this week over who is taking their dad to an appointment, my dp says well I can’t go too busy at work not going to happen change it or you go, his sister and mum then start making plans in front of him how to get his dad there and so on, my dp screams loudly BITH OF YOU SHITUP, be quiet shut the fuch up. That’s not gonna happen is it I’ll take him. Later, once we were home his sister rang him and my dp was telling her he never said he can’t take his dad! I wanted to scream in his face gaslighter I stayed out of it and just went to bed, but he’s making me worried that he is delusional or there’s something going on coz that was a straight out lie he did say it!

He can show glimpses of being a good parent eg our eldest 12 was in trouble at school today we both had a chat with her, he spoke well to her explaining but then he seeks praise after he does things like this as though he should be rewarded when he’s just being a parent.

He sounds like an absolute shit.