AIBU huge row with my partner?

[bumblebubble23]

3 children, I’m full time at work. DP is full time he’s in construction. I do 95+% of the housework and childcare. Get them ready for school. Iron uniform usually on a Sunday. breakfast, drop them off at before school provision, normally me but occasionally DP collecting from after school club. We both luckily are home around 4.15 ish I make tea every night, clean up after tea, put a wash on, put one wash away, do general cleaning quick vacuum etc then bath or shower kids do reading books put to bed. 3ish nights out of 7 DP with do a quick piece of toast for them for after their bath. I do the clubs after work as well, swimming, gymnastics etc. had parents evening tonight. I do all dentist/ doctors appointments making and attending and I stay off work every time one of our children are poorly. ( temp contract with chance for permanent) DP won’t do this as he says I make more money so you need to stay off if they are ill. Occasionally, he has his own boulder jobs on after work let’s say every 3ish month he will do late nights, for 2/3 days or a Sunday. Be home around 6/7. Tonight, when I was at parents evening, he was at a neighbours house just cleaned up some heavy materials which he has promised to move since December and hadn’t. It took him approximately one hour to do this. He was home for 5.15 waiting for his evening meal. I’m already shattered this week as our youngest has been poorly and I’ve stayed off work Monday with her, doctors Tue etc but me back in work Tuesday. After dinner tonight it’s was gymnastics. I get home, the house is a MESS. Clothes all over the landing, he can’t pick up and put in a basket pots in the sink. Few kids toys on the floor and his side of the bedroom in a shit tip yet again. Well I put the kids to bed, came downstairs he’s outside in the back garden vaping drinking a can of beer talking on phone to his friend. This is most nights. Well I finally told him I can’t cope anymore like this.I told him it’s misogynistic it should be 50/50 if I’m full time, it’s like I’m a single mother anyway. Etc I did shut the door so kids upstairs couldn’t hear, and my voiced was raised. I said might as well be on my own! Other woman I chat to at work don’t seem to live like this with their partners/husbands. I so think I cannot cope with him, I feel so upset that it doesn’t get through to him. Told him it would be nice if he made tea once a week at least! His response was to through a glass hard into the sink, told me can I go next door n fucking lift heavy stuff his jobs physical he earns more money, most men would of fuckimg left me after me speaking to him like that, then stormed out on foot as I reminded don’t drive he’s had few cans. I know I’ve rambled a bit here, sorry I feel stressed I don’t know where he’s gone but it is his birthday tomorrow so am I out of order do I ring him?? I asked him to come to the girls swimming lesson last week he did end up coming, I only asked because I’d had a car accident the day before and didn’t feel confident driving. Knew he wouldn’t take them on his own because of washing hair after it etc he came but shouted at me all the way. Telling me how ridiculous I am for arranging such a shit time to swim. Even though I’ve been doing this for over a year and it’s never bothered me I kept having to repeat myself it’s just a one off your coming don’t worry. What would you do?

I would tell him to leave tbh. He sounds like a misogynist pig the big man with a servant at home.

Well you answered the question then really because you failed, utterly failed to think of a single positive there @bumblebubble23 . I'm not saying that to be nasty but you can not honestly say you didn't struggle to even come up with something and frankly (and again I'm not being nasty) what you did come up with? He spoke well to his child on this one occasion? That's lame. Really lame. And basically scraping an empty barrel to come up with something, anything, to answer the question.
Im being blunt because I'm really wanting to ram the point home that he is not bringing anything positive to your life, he is not in any way enhancing your life, you as a person, shaping his DC into independent adults who can thrive and survive and run a household themselves one day.
You have a very clear example of him gaslighting and if you sit with it for a bit you could probably come up with dozens more and I want those to be at the forefront of your mind when he comes home and starts his shit about how all this is your fault and you're dragging him down and he does so much for you blah blah blah. You don't have to call him out, in fact it's probably pointless, but you KNOWING it's bullshit will give you the strength you need to not take this shit anymore and walk away.
If I've upset you or you think I've been nasty I'm truly sorry, in my experience I needed the bluntness to snap me out of the cycle I was trapped in.
L.T.B.

i don’t think your harsh I asked for opinions, he’s just come home now. I sent a message at 10.45 saying I’m in bed locked door ring door bell isn’t charge so I won’t hear u if u can’t get in, he read it didn’t reply then knocked on door 15 minutes later. Looks slightly more drunk didnt speak just glared at me he must b on the settee now. He will b feeling sorry for himself that his bitch of a partner caused an argument. He’s going to hard work tomorrow with it being his birthday as well I honestly don’t know how to be with him I think I’ll just talk to him normal and walk way if he wants to shout/argue.

Do whatever you have to do to survive the interim between the realisation that he's actually a twat that you've hopefully had tonight and the day you actually seperate (hopefully very soon) and start getting those ducks in a row and get excited about how much better, lighter, healthier your life and your DCs life is gonna be once this deadbeat is out of your house.
Quack quack time
L.T.B. 🦆🦆

Get him to pay for cleaner twice a week

Some perspective. My DH works a manual job, he works 12 hour days a lot of the time, some weeks he works 7 days a week. He still pulls his weight at home. I'm a stay at home mum at the moment, to our two primary aged ND kids, and our toddler, and yes, I do all the hobby runs, of which there are many, but he still empties the bin, takes it out, puts washings on, put clothes away, irons, empties the dishwasher, hoovers, sweeps, feeds and grooms the pets, makes beds, chamhes sheets. He even cooks once or twice a fortnight.
Working in construction is not am excuse to be a lay about!

Oh lovely, I’ve been in your situation. From working full-time, doing all the housework, the lack of gratitude or understanding from him for how hard it is, his alcohol drinking…

Honestly, I am SO much happier after leaving him. The downside is the financial side of things, but I actually find the housework easier as I don’t have to clean up his mess too. I’m also a lot less stressed.

I would leave him..

Your life will be easier and nicer without him in it.

You've not described a man who will be bothered with parenting his own kids OP, should you end this relationship. You've described a lazy fucker that's not much more than a sperm donor.

He's a waste of time, an energy vampire, and a gaslighter. Get rid - make an appointment with a family lawyer. They'll have heard all about his type many, many times over and will be best placed to advise 💐

There's a reason a 37 yr old wanted to date 21 yr old you I'm afraid, so you would fill this role. You were young enough he thought he could knock you up and make you his maid. He will never change his behaviours because he's exactly where he wanted to be.

I'm so sorry OP, none of this is your fault but you deserve far far better than this man and I can 100% tell you that kids are far happier when their mum is happy, even if it takes a relationship split to get there.

Did he behave like this after the third child or the first ? I think I already know the answer. Why do so many people have kids with shit men why don’t women want better for their children’s dads !
leave him op chances are he won’t be arsed anyway!

He won’t change Op. Trust me

She’s not 21. She met him at 21. They are both in their 30’s

He’s a lazy, selfish, misogynistic drunk and a shit parent.

You get one life. Are you going to spend yours with him… and subject your kids to this crap?

He's a lazy shit.

And he's also a deranged bully.

This.

I only have 2 but work ft.

i had blazing rows with DH after baby 1 and baby 2 (We are talking first 3 - 6 months)

this is a hill I’d die on as it is if he won’t change you’d probably find life easier on your own..

having read your updates very honestly I’d just use this as the catalyst to leave….

Honestly @bumblebubble23 you have had really sensible relies on here.
This man is an abuser, not just to you but to his family as well.
Your life would be exponentially better without him. I doubt very much that he would file for 50-50. Surely he is far too big and important to spare the time to look after his won children.
He has serious issues and it won’t change unless you change it. I urge you to consider it for yourself and your children. Don’t let them continue to believe that this is what a father is.

I'd get some legal advice on the quiet re the going for 50/50. It's worth finding out whether courts will give it to a parent who hasn't done any childcare - I would have thought that courts prefer to keep everything stable for the dc and so the primary carer should continue to have residency.
You could possibly make the case that if his work doesn't allow him to look after his kids now, how does he think he's going to do it with 50/50. Getting his mum to do it isn't a good enough answer for a court I wouldn't have thought. Would his mum even be willing to do it?
I do think lots of men threaten it, to get you to comply but the reality often pans out differently. But obviously it's a risk.
In the meantime I'd cut down on some of the after school activities - kids honestly don't need loads of clubs when their mum is exhausted, and do what you can to simplify evening meals - get lazy arse to fend for himself. Unless he starts doing things for you, you cut right back on doing things for him!
If it's affordable, get a cleaner to help out. You shouldn't have to but while you take time to think, it's good to find some little things you can change to make life easier.

If he says he wants 50/50 smile and tell him that sounds like a brilliant idea. It’ll give you back some time and you can take up hobbies, see friends etc. there’s no way in hell a man like him will want 50/50 if he can’t even pick up and bin a used pot noodle pot. He’ll use it to try to control and be nasty to you, so you drop the rope and take away that power.

He’s that manipulative though, he loves for people to think he’s a saint or do gooder doing things like jumping up if people call round to our house. Then pretending to clean in the kitchen. Loves for his own mum to think he’s an amazing partner and dad! So for his ego he would definitely file for 50/50. Wouldn’t managed tho I once worked full time on a maternity ward 3 12 hour shifts, I come home home and still do everything. I’d leave an easy tea ready for him to make/warm and he would still take the kids to his mums for their evening meal. If I was on a morning shift, I’d have 3 msg by 8am asking where everything was(folded up in a pile ready for him) and telling me this job isn’t sustainable. I ended up quitting and that’s why I just bank occasionally now.

He thinks women are to serve him basically.
“most men would leave you if you spoke to them like that”
screaming at family to shut up.

He uses carrying heavy things and earning a bog standard wage as some sort of golden penis complex.

He isn’t going to change if you stay in the house OP, so what do you want to do?

If you stop washing his clothes, let him prepare meals and take kids to activities whilst you earn more what would happen?

And you have 3 children, male or female it doesn’t matter they will be seeing this dynamic and think this is how men/women are. So the cycle will continue.

Please don't let the imaginary future of what he might do 50/50 keep you trapped in the absolutely shit reality of the present. Yes he may file for 50/50 and you'll navigate that if and when it happens. Given the example you gave me of him gaslighting his mum and sister I'm hopeful that you will have their support to keep your children safe during his contact time before he quickly realises that spiting you and looking like dad of the year is too much effort and the contact will massively lessen with the narrative changing to you being the bitch stopping him seeing his kids 🙄
🦆🦆 L.T.B.

What is the point of him? From your description of his behaviour he would appear to bring nothing to your family life. You do it all anyway so you don't need his begrudging, misogynistic input. I would start making plans to separate.