Anyone else feel like the ugly one in your relationship?

[looklikeapotato]

So, my DH and I have been married 22 years. We have always been a decent looking couple. Not gorgeous by any means but an okay looking couple (no-one is batting for example) We have both kept ourselves nice, stayed fit and healthy and taken care of our appearance. That is until about 4 years ago. I hit perimenopause and, like many women, became a shadow of my former self.

I started gaining weight on my tummy, developed bad skin, my hair lost its shine, started getting debilitating joint pain that stopped me being so active leading to more weight gain, and so on and so forth.

Added to which, during the last 4 years our eldest DC met and married a guy from Europe and moved there to live with him and our youngest went down South to Uni. My beloved Mum died suddenly and without warning and then last year my Dad also died suddenly and without warning. So I have been in a pit of grief and despair and not been in the best position mentally to focus on myself and my life feels like it has spiralled out of control.

We are currently having a few days away and on getting up this morning to get ready for the day I took a look at myself in the mirror and I barely recognise the potato looking back at me. Apron belly, saggy skin, dull lack lustre hair and I feel awful. I pulled on my legging and a baggy t-shirt as its the only thing I feel remotely comfortable in.

Then in strides my gorgeous healthy husband whose skin looks sun kissed from the last couple of days. He is slim as ever and still has a 6 pack and his lightly greying hair makes him look amazing. He goes to the gym several times a week and rides his bike on weekends and is a picture of health and happiness.

I feel a little jealous that he looks and feels amazing still in his mid fifties when I have transformed into a frumpy unfit mess and I feel like this is not what he signed up for. His fit healthy active decent looking wife has all but disappeared.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that there is no point just sitting here moaning about my bad few years and that I need to regain control of my life but I just wanted a moan and a rant and wondered if there was anyone out there that felt the same way. Anyone else feel like the ugly one??

What makes you feel nice? Do that. You might still feel like a potato but you will have something nice to focus on.

I like to smell good. I’m a lovely smelling potato.

I can so relate to your post op. I look and feel like a old troll/hagg potato. It's like my bloom has completely left and I am now just a dried up old husk.

for us all

Fight?

I decided to fight it.

Go running, get a PT for strength training
Track your food and go buy some nice new clothes and get hair cut.

You are worth all of that, not just for your DH but for you

My DH is the better looking one out of us now. He didn’t used to be, but he’s aging like a fine wine, and I’m aging like an old cheese.

My oh is very, very slim, always has been. I am not - I'm not obese nor fat particularly/relatively. But next to him I am a ginormous heifer. We're the same height too. My problem I know but I do feel it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ve felt like this. The moment it hit me like a freight train was when we were in Thailand with our kids. I’d had a baby 8 months ago and was still bearing the weight and the lack of sleep. I was also surrounded by gorgeous young bikini clad women strutting their stuff on Phi Phi and it made me feel like shit. I’d always been the attractive sexy one. Now I was the dowdy frump.

I came home and got my shit together. My DP has always been a strikingly handsome man, and he’s getting more and more gorgeous as he ages. I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose this race.
I’ve lost two stone since the start of the year, putting me back to a size 10, work out 5 times and week, dress better and spend much more money on myself and my clothes.

So as a PP said….fight. It’s for your own benefit more than anyone else’s.

I'm definitely the ugly one in my marriage. DH is 56 and looks way younger. Very fit from the manual work he's always done. I'm 38 and since having my DS 2.5 years ago I've turned into a haggard vampire. I just look constantly pastey and knackered and my hair which used to be dark brown is now 40% white fgs. I'm the one who looks 17 years older😭

My advice would be that age catches up with us all - as it will your DH. I suppose in a LTR/marriage you have to believe that your love for each other transcends that stuff. If it didn’t then no one would stay married.

You can do things to make you feel better about yourself, but the reality is that sometimes our youthful beauty just transforms into something that looks quite different to what we liked about ourselves. It’s probably better to take it easy on yourself given all you’ve been through. Be healthy, but don’t be harsh on yourself

I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time, @looklikeapotato- and I hope your DH has been a support to you, since that’s what your marriage vows were for …

May I ask why you can’t also go to the gym several times a week, and ride a bike whenever? (You may not want to - but surely nothing else prevents you?) Alternatively you could take up boxing or ballet or open water swimming. I know you’re just having a moan here - but your general feeling of unfitness need not be a permanent state.

Buy a weighted hula hoop.
And a skipping rope.
And a yoga mat.

Find some guidance on You Tube - or buy a book if you prefer.

Take yourself to the hairdresser.
Book a series of facials.
Buy some new clothes. Start a thread to get some fresh ideas.

If your diet has suffered order a weekly veg box.
See the GP for a health check - hormones, vitamin levels, iron, etc.

You’ve survived an awful few years - now’s the time to prioritise yourself. You’ll feel better for it.

I’m so sorry you feel this way. I wish you could see yourself how others see you.

I’ve just been away on a work conference and felt exactly how you’ve described.
I left my room to meet my colleagues feeling uncomfortable in what I was wearing and straight away was complimented on my outfit. Deep down I knew I looked nice but the voice inside said I looked fat and ugly. Night two I met another colleague and she greeted me with how “incredible” I looked.

you’re beautiful, believe it xxx

Can really relate. My husband is ageing really well, all salt and pepper hair, and lovely olive skin. Sadly I feel like I'm ageing terribly, have put on too much weight and feel really wrinkly.
I'm currently losing weight and trying to do more exercise so hopefully things will improve!

My DH is a good looking 6 ft 6 version of Paul Mescal and I look like an egg lol

Do things that make you feel good. Drink water, get a good skincare routine, treat yourself to hair/brows/nails, buy some clothes that fit your changing body and get out for some exercise.

It sounds like your husband puts a lot of time into looking after himself so I would try to do the same.

I am inspired but your post. Can you please give details on what you did to lose the weight (diet wise) and what your workout routine looks like? Thanks!

Show him your OP

Tell him you want to change a few things for yourself

Ask for his help and support.

Contrary to popular belief very few men get better as they age although good looking people can still be good locking when older. I know lots of women who think their DHs are gorgeous, they just love them & it's not really reality.

But you need to feel good about yourself so need to work on that.

I’m in the midst of peri and the feeling frumpy, not liking or feeling myself in any clothes is defo a real thing. Unlike some on here ive been average all my life.My partner for me is the better looking one anyway.

I’m not mourning anything i lost in the good looks department and currently the same weight ish and size 12 i look the same apart from looking and being older. I eat nutritionally well and exercise. I’m doing what i can.

Its a gut and mind feeling for me where everything i wear i just look middle aged and feel so damn frumpy. Even if i felt fine in the same clothes last year. i’ve never felt like this before.

Very few people age gracefully. English aren't well regarded in the physical beauty stakes in the first place ..

Well yes but I was trying to be polite 😆

He goes to the gym several times a week and rides his bike on weekends and is a picture of health and happiness.

OP this bit stood out - he has lots of time to focus on himself, make sure you get the same amount of time to do positive thing for yourself.

It doesn’t even need to be losing weight (although you can if you want) but working on feeling better in yourself - maybe take up a hobby, or look for a new challenge - something that will give you a boost.

It sounds like you’ve been through so much in the last few years, be kinder to yourself.

Yes - I’m hoping the OP doesn’t find it necessary to reveal an imbalance in her relationship with regard to spending power and free time for exercise and leisure. Because that would be a whole other story.

I would say I was a bit better looking when we first met. Dh then gained weight and became quite unhealthy . However in lockdown he went on a health trip and now he is slim, muscley and healthy. I am 46 menopause kicked in 2 years ago I’ve gained weight and have chronic pain. I haven’t been to the hairdressers in over a year as I can’t sit that long. My mum died, my dad needs lots of support. I’m so unhappy. Dh is ok but I think he feels like I could do more

My Body has changed in 2 months - I put on half a stone! I think I am very near menopause. I did used to look so young for my age and now I just look my age.

There is a low impact exercise app called Reverse Health Pilates which has a diet and exercise program. I started it in Nov 24 and felt fantastic but then in Jan 25 stupidly stopped. The work outs are low impact but effective ( wall Pilates) and designed for menopausal women. My body started to look fab! You only need 20 mins a day, I started this week again and I’m feeling better and more motivated. I also got my roots tinted and my hair cut and blow dried yesterday.
I have always had a great skincare routine and in the last year added a lot of retinol and hyloronic acid and vit c products. I’ll be ordering vegan collagen too as I can’t stomach the thought or smell of meat containing supplements. What ever you do, don’t accept your current state of body and mind. Luckily I feel ok ish as dp has put on a bit of weight so we can be careful of what we eat together. It doesn’t seem to have impacted my partners attraction to me either, he still initiates a lot of sex however I’ve kind of stopped as not feeling that sexy ( though I still want sex I don’t think I could handle possible rejection right now). I hope you start to feel better soon, just take small steps. Also this is the age where our nails become brittle and hands age - get some nail oil and retinol hand cream x

I am really sorry to hear this. You’ve been through al lot, be gentle on yourself and your husband should be too! Have you gone to the gp about the chronic pain?