Anyone else feel like the ugly one in your relationship?

[looklikeapotato]

So, my DH and I have been married 22 years. We have always been a decent looking couple. Not gorgeous by any means but an okay looking couple (no-one is batting for example) We have both kept ourselves nice, stayed fit and healthy and taken care of our appearance. That is until about 4 years ago. I hit perimenopause and, like many women, became a shadow of my former self.

I started gaining weight on my tummy, developed bad skin, my hair lost its shine, started getting debilitating joint pain that stopped me being so active leading to more weight gain, and so on and so forth.

Added to which, during the last 4 years our eldest DC met and married a guy from Europe and moved there to live with him and our youngest went down South to Uni. My beloved Mum died suddenly and without warning and then last year my Dad also died suddenly and without warning. So I have been in a pit of grief and despair and not been in the best position mentally to focus on myself and my life feels like it has spiralled out of control.

We are currently having a few days away and on getting up this morning to get ready for the day I took a look at myself in the mirror and I barely recognise the potato looking back at me. Apron belly, saggy skin, dull lack lustre hair and I feel awful. I pulled on my legging and a baggy t-shirt as its the only thing I feel remotely comfortable in.

Then in strides my gorgeous healthy husband whose skin looks sun kissed from the last couple of days. He is slim as ever and still has a 6 pack and his lightly greying hair makes him look amazing. He goes to the gym several times a week and rides his bike on weekends and is a picture of health and happiness.

I feel a little jealous that he looks and feels amazing still in his mid fifties when I have transformed into a frumpy unfit mess and I feel like this is not what he signed up for. His fit healthy active decent looking wife has all but disappeared.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that there is no point just sitting here moaning about my bad few years and that I need to regain control of my life but I just wanted a moan and a rant and wondered if there was anyone out there that felt the same way. Anyone else feel like the ugly one??

No. I do NOT feel like the 'ugly' one at all. I'm fucking gorgeous me!

Seriously, please don't bash yourself like this! It's very sad to read!

Similar except I still look better than my friend - but he is several years older than me and a bit crinkly as he has lost weight.

That aside, I figure I can't turn back the clock so I'm going to make the best of what I have got.

So far I have taken advice and drastically changed hair colour. I am looking at what might suit me and look striking, not fashionable because frankly current fashion is very plain and only really suits pretty, young creatures. I'd just look unironically dowdy!

I am lucky to have a reasonable figure (but it takes hard work now). Skin has gone a bit shite, I can see the collagen retreating! Going to have to work with that!

I have very strong bone structure and a longish face, which I'm going to need to use make-up to 'dress'.

It's a challenge, OP, and I totally get the shock of people dying thing - it's when my looks started to alter.

I'll never look how I did in my 30s and 40s, but I'm going to look as damn good as I can for the rest.

I am, for transparency, as vain as a cat.

Love, solidarity and meow!

I’m recently single and won’t get in another relationship as I feel so unattractive. I’ve aged very badly compared to my friends.

I totally hear you but I’m sure your DP loves you for exactly who you are 😊

That would be the internalised misogyny. We are all a product of this society and this society constantly feeds us the line that men age like a fine wine. Its absolute rubbish.
If you open your eyes and look around you its clear to see that the sex that takes far better care of itself (generally) is women so if anyone is ageing well - its not the men! Women have blinkers on when it comes to their husbands (which is sweet and understandable) and they think they are looking worse than their handsome husband. I can almost guarantee its not true, the OPs husband will be looking his age in the same way she looks hers. He however is not judged by society for 'letting himself go' for committing the crime of getting older.

Men often joke with each other, but their reactions differ from how women typically respond.

I’ve noticed that DP's younger colleagues tease him because he is almost 50 years old. He seems to worry about this, as the thought of ageing weighs on his mind. Then his testosterone kicks in and he becomes confident and arrogant again...

In my opinion, the idea of internalized misogyny is just a nonsensical myth...

Great plans!! Keep us posted on how it's going xx